I M Perfect lady

Category: Current Affairs

  • Your Inner Spark

    Last Sunday, while walking with my granddaughter, we met a father with two little girls walking towards us – heading towards the ice cream store at the beach.  One of the girls seen the big cone and asked her dad if they were going for ice cream – to which he quickly replied, "No, remember today we are working on our spirituality."

    The little girls wanting ice cream looked young – near the 5 year old range.

     

    When we got in the car, I asked my 10 year old granddaughter what she thought Spirituality was – she didn't know. 

    I wondered how you taught a young child about spirituality and worked on it.

     

    I told my granddaughter, that often spirituality was about the spirit and did she know what that was or where it was located. She did not.

     

    I told her I felt it wasn't in our mind or bodies – or even heart – but close to it.

    The place inside of us that is our essence that feels love and joy – and is uniquely us.

    Like how each of us have something inside of us that finds joy in different things. 

     

    And she said, "Well I love ice cream and having it would bring me joy." 

     

    As we talked, we talked about different things that make our insides happy – and how it didn't seem that 'working' on our spirituality – would be work.

    And, that skipping what we love or things that brought us joy – seemed the opposite of spiritual work.

     

    I told her I felt little children come into the world with wide open spirits and they naturally gravitate to what their spirits love. And, that it would be more work to steer clear of them.  

     

    I am not suggesting that each time a child wants ice cream they should have it.  But, I was taken aback – that a child would have to work on their spirituality.

     

    I had to look up the definitions of spirituality….

    This seemed to resonate.

    "The word spirituality comes from the Latin “spiritus” which literally means “breath”, signifying Life. The most important thing we have is this gift of Life. It then follows that if we have this amazing gift of Life, then we all have a way that it is being manifested in and through us."

    If spirituality is about breath – signifying life.  Wouldn't spiritual work then be about life, living, and being present with our breath.

    In fact in our conversation, I said that often folks who were spiritual were trying to be present, in this moment of time – I guess with your breath.  And that if you can be with your ice cream, that would be spiritual work.

     

    What I know to be true for me in the past two decades is that I am drawn to things that fill me with love, peace and joy.  That my spiritual work is to be where my feet are – or my breath. 

    To be and breathe in nature and truly be with whomever I am with.

     

    Perhaps when all my old pillars crumbled, what I was left with was my spirit, the self that sat near my heart.   My spirit felt like a young child – innocent and curious and waiting to be seen and heard.

    My spiritual work from that point on was to live as truthfully and as authentic as I could – being honest with my feelings of love and joy – and being brave to step away from things that didn't align with my morals and values.

     

    My spiritual work was learning who I was and then to live from the inside out.

    I recall when my husband and I didn't know who I would be – when my past was so completely changed, that I no longer felt connected to my life – I told him, we could start simple and go and see if she still likes ice cream.

     

    What a beautiful world it would be – if spirituality was to connect to the little child within each of us – that sees delight in the simple things.  Where we go within to find what is true and loving for the child.

    I feel a child comes into the world – with their spirits lit up – and that they don't know how not to follow what brings them joy.  We as adults, we might try and dim that light, but showing them our world, instead of us learning through their eyes.

     

    My life and my views of the world are so different when I see and live through the child's eyes within me.

     

    I have a curious delightful grandson who is only 7 months. He lights up – when he sees me, and his smile is bright.  His spirit is uncovered and pure joy. 

     

    I have two grandchildren who I felt had very strong spirits and wills.  Their parents did a tremendous job in preserving their spirits – while balancing the proper training they required to be human – if that makes sense. 

     

    It is takes a parent who can see the little spirit and what it requires.  They knew when their emotions were bigger than their little bodies and helped them navigate the big world.

     

    Spiritual work – is to honor the spirit within. 

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     "In yoga, "Namaste" is often said at the end of a class as a gesture of respect and acknowledgment of the divine spark within each person. 

     

    The breath of life is to feel your inner spark.

  • Out Loud

    I have been thinking about breaking the silence ever since a group called "Voices Unmuted" was formed. A group whose Mission is to protect innocent children from sexual abuse within the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church (OALC).

     

    There is a podcast which talks about this subject – it was a few years ago, but completely applicable today.

     

    The juxtaposition between a religion and those not protecting the children is hard to wrap your head around.

    Like could there actually be grown up people within a religious organization – mute about children being in danger of sexual abuse.

    Not only grownups, but parents – and parents with large families and extended families. Adults who bear responsibility of looking out for children – and they are complacent and quiet about crimes against children.

     

    A question was asked "If you can’t believe there are many predators, ask yourself why you need so badly to believe there aren’t."

     

    This question is quite profound for the followers of these religions – who need the religion to not be tainted by abuse – especially sexual crimes against children – for then what do they believe in – or more how do they get to heaven one day.

     

    It is way more about them NOT wanting it to be true – rather than being curious about what if it is?

     

    What would happen to their lives IF they did believe there were many predators?

    What would it cost them?

     

    When there is abuse in another church, say the Catholic Church – they believe it.

    If there is abuse in a school or with a family outside of the church, they believe it.

     

    However when the unmuted voices speak about their church, their families in their world – it is different.

     

     

    If you were raised in the church and groomed to be silent – you and your past will no longer be the same.

     

    While there is a group unmuted – there is a much larger group of unbelievers – for their very being depends upon it.

     

    It has been over 20 years for me.  I know from experience the cost of believing the unbelievable.  To see your parents in a new light – and your religion. 

     

    These are big pillars in who you are.

    When they turn tarnished – there isn't much left of you.

     

    I know to the depth of my being – they know subconsciously that if the church falls – and the family's legacy is abuse – it will be the end of who they are.

     

    What they don't know, is that it is the beginning of finding your soul – the person you were born to be.  

     

    You lose all that isn't true.

    I didn't lose love – I lost dysfunction.

    I didn't lose a religion – I lost a cult that protects abusers.

    I didn't lose me – I lost the person I was to survive.

     

    When you don't want to believe something is true – usually it's because you need it to be the opposite – even when there are facts and truths in plain view.

     

    What is the saying "she protests too much".  

    "The quote "She protests too much" is a shortened version of the line "The lady doth protest too much, methinks," from Shakespeare's play Hamlet. It means that someone's excessive denials or over-the-top reactions to an accusation actually reveal their guilt or the opposite of what they claim to be true."

     

    It reveals their guilt or the opposite of who they claim to be.

     

    Imagine finding out the opposite of who you claim to be.

    Or what the church claims to be etc.

    I know this feeling.

    I was there.

     

    No matter how much I didn't want it to be true – my body couldn't lie.

     

    It does not matter how many voices are unmuted – each person will be the one to either believe it or protest too much.

     

    I believe they can feel the truth.

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    How ironic – or not – I have been working on this quilt – and it was before listening to the podcast or reading that question.   I love how my art speaks ahead of me. Feel the truth. Notice "the Answer" and "Out Loud" - 

     

     

     

  • A Letter to You.

    There is a group of individuals who are concerned about the lack of reporting sexual assaults in the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church – and I can only hope there is a similar group in the First Apostolic Lutheran Church.  

    Mostly they are hoping to appeal to the elders of the church, the mission boards and preachers.  

    They want to inform them how to report sexual assault crimes.

     

    What I believe they fail to consider is that these are grown up people who know and who have chosen to remain quiet – to preserve the sanctity of their church.

    What appears to matter most is that if you don't speak of the evil that is present, the evil disappears.  While they are silent and unmoving, evil flourishes and has actually multiplied exponentially.  

    The two churches that I have mentioned truly look to the leadership on all things.  They are the ones who make the rules and set the tone of how you live, what you do with your body etc.

    Which is why so many are trying to get the attention of the church leaders to make some changes. They move when the elders move…their free thinking minds have been brainwashed.

     

    To me each parent who knowingly brings their children to places where known pedophiles are, IS a bigger problem.

    There is a false sense of security – when church members gather – believing the evil is in those who are outside of the church. Or stranger danger – for crimes against children. 

    More parents know and do nothing – than parents who are totally unaware.

     

    What I believed, when my father was arrested, that we were the only family. Only to learn over the next weeks, months and years, it was more common than not.  

     

    I also believe sexual abuse is so intertwined within families, it will be near impossible to eradicate.  

     

    I had abuse on both sides of my parents. 

    The church neighbors in our neighborhoods, had it in their homes.

    In fact a brother flippantly said, "there is abuse everywhere." which is sorta true in these churches. But that doesn't mean that it is right or okay or that we need not work on that changing.

     

    I have spoken with women of the church – who are unmovable when it comes to leaving the church, their faith is too precious. More than a child in harm's way.   Their minds won't let them leave and so they have to focus more on faith and less on the child's needs.

     

    So, as they write letters to appeal to the elders – the flock is compliant to the abuse in their circles. What would be the cost to the elders to admit they lost the sanctity of their religion.

    For how is their religion Holy – when abusers are protected there.

     

    I am not certain what the answer is – but the common sense has escaped – or been hijacked by the cult-like mindset.  When you have to be told to leave when children are at risk for sexual abuse – you are lacking responsibility.

     

    I often wished it was the problem of others – to change – but in the end it was up to me.

    I had to be the one to say no more, THIS ends with me.

    I will do what my mother couldn't do.

    I will end relationships, I will set boundaries, I will say no, I will chart the course on a whole new pathway – where there is zero tolerance.

     

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    Instead of addressing the preachers, start a letter to you.

    (What changes do you need to make to assure children are safe within your circles.)

     

     

     

     

  • What is Indifference.

    Victims are speaking out in the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church – and Abusers are being arrested. This – I hope starts to trickle into the First Apostolic Lutheran Church.

     

    Adult children of abuse – unmuting their voices.

    I cheer you on!

     

    I know this will come with consequences – and also with empowerment, freedom and self-love and respect.  

    I believe they are breaking cycles and making others feel less alone.  

    I am hopeful this is a trend that will keep on spreading into churches with cult-like tendencies.  

     

    What has always confounded me is the way these churches have allowed abuse to flourish.  How it appeared that they are incapable of seeing evil – or understanding the difference between good and bad.  

    How the lines seemed to be blurred by the forgiveness of sins – where wrongs/evil is forgiven and the person then becomes innocent of their crimes.  Washed whiter than snow – and in the eyes of the church – forgiven.  The crime/sin is said to be lost in the sea of grace.

     

    Where does this leave the victims?

    No longer victimized?

    No, added to the trauma of abuse, it is now a sin in the church's eyes to bring up this 'forgiven sin' – they are made to feel a bad christian for naming another's sin.  How convenient for the abusers – when victims are silenced this way.

     

    I had to look up the common conception or spectrum of what we call good and evil.

     

    "In ethics and philosophy, "good" and "evil" are typically defined as opposing moral concepts, with "good" representing what is considered morally right and positive, and "evil" representing what is morally wrong and negative.These concepts are often understood as a linear scale, with actions, behaviors, or intentions falling somewhere along this spectrum."

     

    What is the moral scale in these churches when they forgive the abuser and do not report their crimes?  Can they even be on the scale of good morals?

    It is so confusing when the forgiveness of sins, wipes away evil – than does evil  even exist in their worlds?

    If you don't a have a ruler or measurement of what is good and what is bad – right or wrong – how do you know where you stand and what to set boundaries against?

     

    The only way that the churches allow this evil to exist within so many families, is that they can't see the evil once it has been forgiven. 

     

    This mind game they play with real crimes leaves the victims without an ally. 

     

    There are many within these churches who feel that they are in an organization with high morals and values.  Yet, if you overlook crimes – especially against children – who are you?

     

    What seems to be child's play – has had decades and generations of folks being unresponsive to children who have been abused – while tending to the forgiveness of sins the church requires.

     

    I know, it isn't intentional – but a by product of their religion.

     

    They see the world so skewed – when evil only exists – until it's forgiven. It is a flash in a pan.

     

    What I know, from experience with my family – their world didn't really hold evil – or maybe only me.  

    They were all able to still have a father.

    They were able to forgive and move on.

    Their scale of good and evil seems more of good and good.

    I am seen as evil – for my mind is no longer capable of turning evil back into good with words and pretend thoughts.

     

    There is a meaning of forgiveness that I have adopted by Martha Beck  "I once read that forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a different past…but forgiving is not the same as obliterating memory."

    What these churches are asking when they say "Forgive and Forget" is to obliterate the memory of the abuse and that the abuser is evil.  

    Imagine asking this of young children. 

    Once I adopted her definition my world was set in reality – where good and evil did exist and I wasn't the evil person for speaking up. I wasn't evil for having boundaries or creating my own moral code.

    I also don't hold this against my family – for they were born into this brainwashing system – a religion where evil is washed away – if you are in their circle.  

    Maybe the real devil is the one who challenges their conditioned mind. 

     

    What brings me great hope is that more adult children of abuse within these churches start speaking out.  Unmuting their voices and start seeing evil.  

    And, my heart goes out to those who have to see evil in their own families – and to see the moral codes crumble in the religion they were raised in. And to find a new definition of forgiveness – giving up all hope of having a different past.

    In that past, you will find abuse and your abuser – and those who knew and did nothing.

    When you walk truthfully with your past, you can also walk truthfully into your future.

    My mind is at ease with what is.

    When you are walking hand and hand with reality – there is good and evil. And you discern what is love and what is indifference.

     

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  • Remained true.

    In the basement on the bottom shelf were piles of photo albums – dating back to the 1970's  - 55 years ago – parts of my life caught in a photo.

     

    In the mix are friends, family and now estranged family members.

     

    I have steered clear of this pile for a few decades – knowing the ghosts that lingered there.

     

    While doing some major decluttering in our home – I knew it was time to go through the albums and to separate what I love and what will be tossed.  

     

    Many emotions flowed through me – as I sat by the hour leafing through the pages of my past.

     

    My heart melted as I was brought back to the early years of dating my husband and the early years of our marriage.  It is amazing how photos are like time machines – and some in the best way. I love us. Our solo trips and how we camped with the El Camino and Tent. Moments of love.

     

    Many, many photos of my children – during the seasons of their childhoods.  I love them – and how quickly the years have passed. Recalling their natures and the different personalities and fun times I captured.

     

    Photos of my friends during high school  - and old church friends – some I haven't seen or spoken to in what seems like a lifetime.

     

    And the ones I dreaded to sort through were photos of my family of origin.  Photos that now seemed fake upon the backdrop of learning new truths.

     

    It is hard to articulate how familiar pictures take on a stranger tone. 

    And even worse the emotions that are now attached to these awkward moments.

    The photos do not accurately portray the contents of our family.

    But abuse is not photographed – instead it is the act of  'normal' or putting on a good front.

    Perhaps we even tried harder to make sure our cover – was covered.

     

    You don't see the real story in pictures – instead you see the cover up – or denial.  The normal going on – in the abnormal home.

    I don't even know how to classify my feelings of these.  The people I thought I knew – I didn't know – so who am I looking at?  The moments we capture as a family – in my mind – didn't have the undertow of abuse.  The memories of those day abuse didn't live there – but it did. 

    It is like seeing your denial in living color.

     

    The true nature of our family isn't in the pictures.

    It feels like we were all playing on the stage of life – in a play about a regular large family – instead of who we really were.

    I wonder how many families are play acting over truths and secrets.

    Surely we can't be the only one.

     

    I recall seeing our childhood pictures and the poverty and inability to have nicer things and feeling ashamed.  Even the shame at being poor in a large family – where more kids were added to an already poor home. IF only that was the only seed of shame.

     

    The deeper and more impactful shame is that of sexual abuse within the family – and even more so – the denial and the way our family marched on – portraying normal. Abused and trying to be normal.

     

    Those pictures are awkward at best now. 

    Yet they depict my childhood and most of my life.

    They do not feel like treasures I want to hold on to.

    My heart feels sad or alone or empty – with those pictures.

    My memories and the truth were miles apart.

    The space where denial lived.

     

    I can't deny my family of origin.

    I can choose what pictures and memories I take forward as heart moments.

     

    These were fun ones to happen on.

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    Clowns I made in my early 20's.  I forgot all about them.  I love them – and maybe have to make a few!

     

    I loved seeing my old projects – all the wonders my hands have made.

     

    The parts of me that holds no shame.

    A true part of me was creating even way back then.

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    And today's creations.  

    While my past holds much denial – my art has remained true.

     

     

  • God’s Free Will

    Women's rights are a tricky subject – because what is actually being talked about IS not her by herself.  She is unable to find herself pregnant without a man. She can't make a baby on her own – the man carries a crucial piece AND this is not talked about.

     

    His rights are never in question or limited.

     

    A woman is left with the evidence that a man planted a child.

     

    And she alone is judged and crucified for what she decides to do.

     

    There is also a limited version of abortion – that is willfully used primarily as birth control – and that it isn't a heartbreaking decision that is for health reasons of a child or the mother.

     

    Mostly there needs to be a wider version of the discussion and a more open view on what is going on.

     

    Women are only one part of the equation – yet carry full blame.

    Limiting women – on the other side of baby making – seems like shutting the door after the horses left the barn. Why not stop the baby making process at the gate.  Limit men from having kids until they can prove the kids are wanted and can be supported.

    Limit the surgery decisions to the doctor and the carrier of the baby.

    Leave the church and state out of it.

     

    It seems unfair to reduce the limits of women and not look upon the man – at all.

    What would be a fair discussion to have about a pregnancy – and its continuation – or even conception?

     

    There are two people involved and only one is being addressed.

    What is the saying – instead of pulling people out of the river – it is better to go up river and see how they are getting there.

     

    What doesn't seem to be the right answer is to take away the woman's right to her own body - 

     

    Also, what else has been bugging me, is that so many of the ultra religious women are voting to take away rights – when they themselves have little ownership of their own bodies.

     

    They are not able to limit the amount of children they have.

    They are not free with their own bodies and yet they feel they can limit others.

     

    It seems that only those who are free to choose, should be voting.

     

    What I have learned – in my experience – the freer I became, the wider my sense of accepting and allowing others to live their lives freely.

    I  would not want others telling me what is right or wrong in my life – and I am not sure what is right or wrong in your life. 

     

    What is right for me – doesn't necessarily mean it is right for you.

    If God gave us free will – why are some feeling like it is theirs to control?

     

    I am pretty sure it is a sign of dysfunction to control others. 

    A society that has equal rights and freedoms is a healthy society – and/or religion or relationship of any kind.

     

    There are three kinds of rights. "These are Natural rights, Moral rights & Legal rights. Legal rights can be defining in three categories. These are, Fundamental rights, Political rights & Social or civil rights.

     

    What seems to be happening is the 'moral' rights of some are creating negative legal rights, that infringe upon the natural rights of women.

     

    Those who can justify this – better know – that you too are at risk of having your natural rights taken away – with the right people in power.  

     

    In the land of the free – it is not a positive to reduce someone's freedom.

     

    Morals are what you believe to be right or wrong –

    And these are personal and I don't feel should be imposed upon others.

     

    Values – a person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life. "they internalize their parents' rules and values"
     
    Free Will – Free will is the ability to make choices independently and without outside influence. It's linked to concepts like moral responsibility, praise, and culpability, which only apply to actions that are freely chosen. 

     
     
    I guess in the land of the free – I would like to honor God's free will.
     
    And He gave us free will—the ability to think, reason and make our own choice.
     
    It would seem those who are supportive of religion and God, would want at the very least to give each of us God's Free Will.
     
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  • Peace on Earth

    We Vote today – a choice we will have to make – we vote each time there is a decision in our lives, our choices reflect our values and our morals.

    Our vote typically aligns with our energy.

    The candidate and their vision of the future – matches our own.

     

    I am not certain any political ad or speech will sway us one way or the other.

    Who we are – is how we vote.

     

    We vote for what feels familiar or probably what is the popular vote among our family and friends.

     

    We don't typically want to stand out and be different.

     

    Trying to sway someone to vote differently – is to try and change their inner code – which seems almost unshakable.  However, if your own life has been upended, your inner sense of the world will change and you will renegotiate your values and morals.

    And with new morals and values, your vote will change.

     

    While voting on the president is a big deal, all of our decisions are big deals.  Each choice we make or don't make, will affect our individual relationships – with ourselves and those around us.

     

    What we stand for or sit down with- matters.  

    The accumulation of our votes leans forward thinking or standing still or trying to move backwards. The universe though I believe is forward evolution – albeit slow at times.

     

    And it seems that some are okay taking away rights and others are not.  

    If you are born and raised in a community that has limited your rights, it feels right.

    Some have been limited their whole lives – living in a body that they didn't have the right over.

     

    Hear that.  

    They do not own their own body.

     

    I know this – I lived for 46 years with a body that wasn't mine.

    I wasn't able to do with it – as I wanted; but what the church felt was right or wrong.

    I was nowhere to be found.

     

    I understand when so many women step into the voting booth – how they will not be free.

    Perhaps because I know the difference – I have a choice.  Others do not.

     

    I didn't even know know – that I was not free. I only knew how to be a good person within the church and follow the rules.  I didn't look deeply at the rules or what they meant or how I felt or what their impact had on me – let alone how these rules excluded others.

     

    It was just a sin to have total freedom with my body.

    One of the bigger choices that is being voted on is women's rights.

    And it is complicated.

    Not a simple or easy conclusion.

    But, oddly it would be IF it was about the Man.

     

    Being a country of freedoms – some are limited by their religious rules. It will be foreign to vote for freedom of self. 

     

    At the end of the day – when the votes are tallied, we will have a better understanding on how the majority feel and whose rights are being supported.  

    Will humanity continue to grow and expand and become more aware and balanced or will we spiral backwards to limitations.  

    While voting for the president is a big decisions, there are many real decisions in our own lives that matter in how we add to the wellness of humanity.  

    We vote according to our limits – not the broad space of potentials.

     

    How we respond to the election when it is all said and done and how we live with the candidate that is not our choice – will also be a choice.  

    Our challenge in life is to live and be the best you can be within the systems that govern our country and community. The best way to govern is to lead with freedom.

     

    In a perfect world, there would be peace on earth.

     

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  • Consequences of the Choice

    “Cycles exist because they are excruciating to break. It takes an astronomical amount of pain and courage to disrupt a familiar pattern. Sometimes it seems easier to just keep running in the same familiar circles – than facing the possibility of jumping -and not landing on your feet.”  It Ends With Us.  Colleen Hoover

     

    "It Ends With Us" is a work of fiction based loosely on her mother's experience.  

     

    When you are born into a cycle that holds abuse – and you don't change the pattern, you are bringing your children into that same cycle.  My childhood love allowed bad behaviors.

    There is a point where you are given a hard choice – to do something different or just go along not making waves.

    The cycle you are born into wasn't of your own making – however – when you recognize the pattern is about to be repeated with you – you decide to carry on – or to stop.

     

    Stopping is not in the family's legacy in most abusive cycles.  It will require great courage to abruptly stop.

    I don't think most understand what it takes to end the cycles and legacy of abuse. 

    It isn't words spoken or truth exposed. 

    Creating a new cycle is more about self responsibility.  To see the cycle you are part of – and your hand in it – and then determining how it will go from you.

    Will your children see you repeat your mother's pattern.

     

    My mother's role in the cycle of abuse, was to forgive it away – and then carry on as if the abuse WAS gone. She blindly and repeatedly forgave, again and again and again for decades.  Even IF she wasn't the one abusing, She was the one allowing it to go on – by simply not breaking the cycle of forgiveness.

     

    I know forgiveness sounds kind.

    Compassionate even perhaps.

     

    But forgiveness without action of distancing your self and your children from an abuser, is not kind. It is to be an accomplice.

     

    There was a moment in my life, where the cycle became crystal clear to me – I saw myself in the cross hairs of the truth and where my mother's reactions and mine had diverged.  

     

    Something inside of me merged with the truth and I was unable or even unwilling to let it go. In that moment a new cycle began. I didn't wipe the truth away with forgiveness.

     

    Her cycle overlooked the child and their wounds.

    My new cycle was to see the wound and who did it – and set up boundaries.

     

    It comes with a cost.

     

    And a reward.

     

    The cost is to be in a cycle that is different from my family of origin. Who have continued on – forgiving – showing other abusers that they have nothing to fear.  Our family cycle was to turn a blind eye to the abuse and focus instead on family.  Loving them – no matter what.  No boundaries are set against bad behaviors, criminal or otherwise.  

     

    Forgiveness was how my family cleaned up its messes.

     

    The cost of forgiveness is for the child to bear.  The abused child carries the weight of pain and grief.  Wrestles with holding on to love – where love is hurting.

     

    A new cycle begins when you decide no more.

    When you remove yourself from the flow of familiar.

     

    The excruciating process is when you step out – you are stepping out of family.

    Most will not clap for you and cheer you on.

    It seems insane, that you will have to traverse alone out of the cycles of abuse.

     

    You are going against familiar and truly not knowing if the new way will land you on your feet.  Or are you going from the frying pan to the fire.

    You can't know, until you are far far into your new cycle, if you achieved your goal.

     

    In reading her book, it made it clear the emotional and heart wrenching task it is to break the cycles. Which is why very few do.  It is a lonely road.  

     

    Labor Day weekend has become a reunion of sorts for my family of origin. Rumor has it this year it came with the spreading of my mother's ashes.  

    An ending of an era – it would seem.

     

    She has left her pattern downloaded in many.

    Her cycles continue on.

     

    If I look at my life from the vantage point of her family – mine is desolate.

    However when I see me in my new cycle – it is bountiful.

     

    My children now have choices of my old cycle or my new.

    It isn't up to me to choose.

     

    My part was jumping – and figuring it out as I go.

    Using my body, heart and soul to decide what is an environment where children will be safe. 

    I have boundaries.

    and love that doesn't come with pain.

     

    I understand the cycle of forgiveness – for you get to keep family.

    I understand the cycle of boundaries – you lose family.

    But the cost of forgiveness within families where abuse happens – continues to create new victims. Sadly, in our case small children.

     

    My life's work is to continue on creating a new pattern – knowing it will impact the generations after me. 

     

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    Each of my children also will find themselves at a cross road and will get to decide which road they take.  What their own legacy will be.  

    We are all free to choose, but as they say we are not free from the consequences of the choice.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Rattles Your Beliefs

    "Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable." –Cesar Cruz

     

    This reimagining of DaVinci's Last Supper, has hit some buttons – as great art should.

    Art truly should disturb the comfortable and to comfort the disturbed.  It is there to speak in ways lots would love there to be silence.  

     

    What this art form has shown most, is how narrow and judgmental some christian's beliefs are and how they are only comfortable with those 'like them'.

     

    I experienced life in the narrow trenches of religion and how my own self judgment often then colored others.  I had zero tolerance, understanding or empathy for those unlike me.

    When art can draw an affront – to me – it has truth woven through it.

     

    If your said religion feels attacked by those – not like you – it may mean your religion isn't wide enough or open or accepting or loving or inclusive.  It may mean that there are boundaries or fences to keep "different" out.

     

    Somehow what is lost is how there are billions of expressions of humanity and each are living life from their inside out.

    I am always astounded when someone outside can disturb your inner faith – just by being themselves.

     

    Humanity won't be healed by the exclusion of others or the fear of what seems different.

     

    Great Art forms will disturb the comfortable and will show the world just who they are, and how they see this world and the human journey.

     

    It is my belief, if you have a strong inner personal understanding of who you are, others on the outside can't smear it.  

     

    We need more disturbing art – to create cracks in the old ways of narrow beliefs.

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    Faiths that can withstand art and all its expressions – is one of freedom and inclusiveness.

    The Art Forms at the Olympics created a disturbance and it reached the goal it intended.

    How each person views it, will also display who you are and what you believe.

    While many feel art is visual – it actually speaks to your soul and rattles your beliefs.

     

  • Freedom Waited for Me to Act

    With the freedom of speech 

    comes the responsibility to 

    listen

    With the freedom of belief

    comes the responsibility to 

    accept

    With the freedom from want

    comes the responsibility to 

    serve

    And with the freedom from fear

    comes the responsibility to 

    act.    

     

    (Summary of FDR's Four Freedoms by Darren Walker)

     

    I saw this on a friend's instagram –

     

    I love how each of our freedoms come with a responsibility on our part.

     

    It took me a long time to understand what listening was about – in how we can learn to understand another's journey.  Maybe it was when I learned more about my own journey, I could see the wide range of possibilities of others.

     

    And, I love how belief comes with acceptance.  In order to truly believe you have to accept the facts of what is.  Beliefs that are not grounded in reality or in facts, are beliefs of falsehoods. I became a believer in acceptance – more than my old religion was trying to teach. 

    In fact, it wasn't often about acceptance, but more about forgiving what is.

    The sins – were washed away – to change reality.

     

    Serving often relieves us of what we want.  And what we want isn't often what we need.

     

    The responsibility to act – truly takes away our fear. For most often is we don't want to act differently than we have in the past, for then we will change how others see us or engage with us.

     

    I just love that our freedoms are hinged upon a responsibility on our end.

    Freedom isn't free from the consequences of our choices.

    Freedom isn't a given – or a lazy relationship.  

    Our freedom depends upon our engagement with life and those we spend time with.

     

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    In thinking yesterday – Memorial Day – what came to me was to not squander the freedoms we have access to. To use your freedom in the small choices – and how each little choice can change your world.

     

    I am so ever grateful for my ability to act freely in all aspects of my life.

    These freedoms came with my intentions of authenticity and to live a life that reflects my truths.  It took courage to step out of the patterns I was raised in – and each time I was brave and made a new decision, another part of me was free.

    Freedom waited for me to act.