I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • God’s Free Will

    Women's rights are a tricky subject – because what is actually being talked about IS not her by herself.  She is unable to find herself pregnant without a man. She can't make a baby on her own – the man carries a crucial piece AND this is not talked about.

     

    His rights are never in question or limited.

     

    A woman is left with the evidence that a man planted a child.

     

    And she alone is judged and crucified for what she decides to do.

     

    There is also a limited version of abortion – that is willfully used primarily as birth control – and that it isn't a heartbreaking decision that is for health reasons of a child or the mother.

     

    Mostly there needs to be a wider version of the discussion and a more open view on what is going on.

     

    Women are only one part of the equation – yet carry full blame.

    Limiting women – on the other side of baby making – seems like shutting the door after the horses left the barn. Why not stop the baby making process at the gate.  Limit men from having kids until they can prove the kids are wanted and can be supported.

    Limit the surgery decisions to the doctor and the carrier of the baby.

    Leave the church and state out of it.

     

    It seems unfair to reduce the limits of women and not look upon the man – at all.

    What would be a fair discussion to have about a pregnancy – and its continuation – or even conception?

     

    There are two people involved and only one is being addressed.

    What is the saying – instead of pulling people out of the river – it is better to go up river and see how they are getting there.

     

    What doesn't seem to be the right answer is to take away the woman's right to her own body - 

     

    Also, what else has been bugging me, is that so many of the ultra religious women are voting to take away rights – when they themselves have little ownership of their own bodies.

     

    They are not able to limit the amount of children they have.

    They are not free with their own bodies and yet they feel they can limit others.

     

    It seems that only those who are free to choose, should be voting.

     

    What I have learned – in my experience – the freer I became, the wider my sense of accepting and allowing others to live their lives freely.

    I  would not want others telling me what is right or wrong in my life – and I am not sure what is right or wrong in your life. 

     

    What is right for me – doesn't necessarily mean it is right for you.

    If God gave us free will – why are some feeling like it is theirs to control?

     

    I am pretty sure it is a sign of dysfunction to control others. 

    A society that has equal rights and freedoms is a healthy society – and/or religion or relationship of any kind.

     

    There are three kinds of rights. "These are Natural rights, Moral rights & Legal rights. Legal rights can be defining in three categories. These are, Fundamental rights, Political rights & Social or civil rights.

     

    What seems to be happening is the 'moral' rights of some are creating negative legal rights, that infringe upon the natural rights of women.

     

    Those who can justify this – better know – that you too are at risk of having your natural rights taken away – with the right people in power.  

     

    In the land of the free – it is not a positive to reduce someone's freedom.

     

    Morals are what you believe to be right or wrong –

    And these are personal and I don't feel should be imposed upon others.

     

    Values – a person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life. "they internalize their parents' rules and values"
     
    Free Will – Free will is the ability to make choices independently and without outside influence. It's linked to concepts like moral responsibility, praise, and culpability, which only apply to actions that are freely chosen. 

     
     
    I guess in the land of the free – I would like to honor God's free will.
     
    And He gave us free will—the ability to think, reason and make our own choice.
     
    It would seem those who are supportive of religion and God, would want at the very least to give each of us God's Free Will.
     
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  • Peace on Earth

    We Vote today – a choice we will have to make – we vote each time there is a decision in our lives, our choices reflect our values and our morals.

    Our vote typically aligns with our energy.

    The candidate and their vision of the future – matches our own.

     

    I am not certain any political ad or speech will sway us one way or the other.

    Who we are – is how we vote.

     

    We vote for what feels familiar or probably what is the popular vote among our family and friends.

     

    We don't typically want to stand out and be different.

     

    Trying to sway someone to vote differently – is to try and change their inner code – which seems almost unshakable.  However, if your own life has been upended, your inner sense of the world will change and you will renegotiate your values and morals.

    And with new morals and values, your vote will change.

     

    While voting on the president is a big deal, all of our decisions are big deals.  Each choice we make or don't make, will affect our individual relationships – with ourselves and those around us.

     

    What we stand for or sit down with- matters.  

    The accumulation of our votes leans forward thinking or standing still or trying to move backwards. The universe though I believe is forward evolution – albeit slow at times.

     

    And it seems that some are okay taking away rights and others are not.  

    If you are born and raised in a community that has limited your rights, it feels right.

    Some have been limited their whole lives – living in a body that they didn't have the right over.

     

    Hear that.  

    They do not own their own body.

     

    I know this – I lived for 46 years with a body that wasn't mine.

    I wasn't able to do with it – as I wanted; but what the church felt was right or wrong.

    I was nowhere to be found.

     

    I understand when so many women step into the voting booth – how they will not be free.

    Perhaps because I know the difference – I have a choice.  Others do not.

     

    I didn't even know know – that I was not free. I only knew how to be a good person within the church and follow the rules.  I didn't look deeply at the rules or what they meant or how I felt or what their impact had on me – let alone how these rules excluded others.

     

    It was just a sin to have total freedom with my body.

    One of the bigger choices that is being voted on is women's rights.

    And it is complicated.

    Not a simple or easy conclusion.

    But, oddly it would be IF it was about the Man.

     

    Being a country of freedoms – some are limited by their religious rules. It will be foreign to vote for freedom of self. 

     

    At the end of the day – when the votes are tallied, we will have a better understanding on how the majority feel and whose rights are being supported.  

    Will humanity continue to grow and expand and become more aware and balanced or will we spiral backwards to limitations.  

    While voting for the president is a big decisions, there are many real decisions in our own lives that matter in how we add to the wellness of humanity.  

    We vote according to our limits – not the broad space of potentials.

     

    How we respond to the election when it is all said and done and how we live with the candidate that is not our choice – will also be a choice.  

    Our challenge in life is to live and be the best you can be within the systems that govern our country and community. The best way to govern is to lead with freedom.

     

    In a perfect world, there would be peace on earth.

     

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  • Moment of Time

    How would you live life if there wasn't the application of forgiveness?

    If all your actions were accountable and traveled with you?

    Are there choices you would no longer make?

     

    My views on forgiveness have changed completely.  I used to believe it was kind of me to wipe away sins from others- to forgive and move on as if that sin didn't happen.  This was kindness to me.

     

    When applying forgiveness – it never occurred to me that – it was a mind game.

    It was a thought process – and usually left me feeling resentful.

     

    I was taught to forgive.

    That it was MY way to heaven.

    And it wasn't my business to care or judge the sins of others.  My 'job' was to act and feel that the 'sin' had been removed.

     

    Forgiveness was the magic eraser – and we all then had to believe IT was gone.

    It was a mind shuffle at best.

     

    My mind was conditioned to do this magical exercise – and it didn't allow for my feelings or emotions or even the reality of what happened.  I was made to live in pretend land.

     

    This land of pretend – often overlooks the hurt that is done – for I guess we don't forgive what is right. Only the wrong things.

     

    When you are made to live denying hurtful behavior – you are only seeing one side of a person – the dark side isn't to be mentioned.  We live with the potential – but not the real.

     

    This may seem like madness to those not raised on the forgiveness of sins.  It was the way of heaven.  In order to arrive in heaven one day – you must forgive and be forgiven.

    Forgiven of sins.

     

    Each church and religion have their own set of what a sin is.  

     

    This tool often means you don't really really really have to change, you can repeat the behavior that is wrong – because there is this application to wipe clean what you did.

     

    It boggles my mind now – that I lived believing in this. 

     

    When you no longer have this tool – your choices matter more.

    Again, what if your sins truly don't go anywhere, but those choices live upon your heart?

     

    It was an interesting and horrifying visual to see the sins of my father being repeated for decades.  The sins (choices) were repeated upon new victims.   Forgiveness didn't change my father – rather it allowed him to sin again.

     

    In my old religion (First Apostolic Lutheran Church) the focus only glanced briefly at the sinner – but we were made to feel worse than the criminal IF we didn't forgive.

     

    The onus was on the victim to keep the reputation and character of the sinner in good standings.

    It is a co-dependent relationship at best – but one where it is impossible to leave the victim position. And the sinner never appears to have to wear their sins.  They are often hidden by forgiveness.

     

    Is it truly unkind to make others wear their choices?  

    Living without forgiveness for almost 20 years has made me much more accountable to myself. I know the steps I take will be recorder upon my spirit.  

     

    Perfection is not what I am aiming for – nor do I feel that it is up to others to maintain my character.  

     

    No one comes in with all the answers or the right choices to make in life.  Each time life presents us with a choice, we will live with the consequences of that choice. It lives with us.

     

    We are composed of our life's choices.

     

    The poor choices I made while under the influence of a brain washed mind – live inside of me. The years of denial and blindness accumulated a burden of consequences that overwhelmed me when I understood that all I forgave – was for naught.

     

    Forgiveness now feels like a swear word to me.

    And kindness a cloak of blindness.

     

    There is a meaning of forgiveness that resonates with me – "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, but we cannot move forward if we're still holding onto the pain of that past and wishing it was something else."

     

    In giving up hope that the past could have been any different – it set me free.

    I was made to sit with what is.

    It is interesting how the pain did eventually subside once I sat with the lost hope.

     

    Who knew that giving up hope for things to be different could be so life changing.

    Without the hope of things being different – I could sit in what was – and I could feel the angst of the reality of the sins that lay at my feet – mine, theirs and how these choices create a pretend reality.

     

    It seems insane that a life without forgiveness is so kind.

     

    And, I am not even sure I use Hope anymore.  Not the hope that is like a prayer for things to change.

     

    I just live with what is – and I am okay with the sins I carry – for I when I knew better – I did better. 

     

    My heart's content holds all my life's choices – I carry the weight of my heart.

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    Without the hope that my past could be any different – I feel peace today.

    And my future lives in the reality of this moment of time.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Consequences of the Choice

    “Cycles exist because they are excruciating to break. It takes an astronomical amount of pain and courage to disrupt a familiar pattern. Sometimes it seems easier to just keep running in the same familiar circles – than facing the possibility of jumping -and not landing on your feet.”  It Ends With Us.  Colleen Hoover

     

    "It Ends With Us" is a work of fiction based loosely on her mother's experience.  

     

    When you are born into a cycle that holds abuse – and you don't change the pattern, you are bringing your children into that same cycle.  My childhood love allowed bad behaviors.

    There is a point where you are given a hard choice – to do something different or just go along not making waves.

    The cycle you are born into wasn't of your own making – however – when you recognize the pattern is about to be repeated with you – you decide to carry on – or to stop.

     

    Stopping is not in the family's legacy in most abusive cycles.  It will require great courage to abruptly stop.

    I don't think most understand what it takes to end the cycles and legacy of abuse. 

    It isn't words spoken or truth exposed. 

    Creating a new cycle is more about self responsibility.  To see the cycle you are part of – and your hand in it – and then determining how it will go from you.

    Will your children see you repeat your mother's pattern.

     

    My mother's role in the cycle of abuse, was to forgive it away – and then carry on as if the abuse WAS gone. She blindly and repeatedly forgave, again and again and again for decades.  Even IF she wasn't the one abusing, She was the one allowing it to go on – by simply not breaking the cycle of forgiveness.

     

    I know forgiveness sounds kind.

    Compassionate even perhaps.

     

    But forgiveness without action of distancing your self and your children from an abuser, is not kind. It is to be an accomplice.

     

    There was a moment in my life, where the cycle became crystal clear to me – I saw myself in the cross hairs of the truth and where my mother's reactions and mine had diverged.  

     

    Something inside of me merged with the truth and I was unable or even unwilling to let it go. In that moment a new cycle began. I didn't wipe the truth away with forgiveness.

     

    Her cycle overlooked the child and their wounds.

    My new cycle was to see the wound and who did it – and set up boundaries.

     

    It comes with a cost.

     

    And a reward.

     

    The cost is to be in a cycle that is different from my family of origin. Who have continued on – forgiving – showing other abusers that they have nothing to fear.  Our family cycle was to turn a blind eye to the abuse and focus instead on family.  Loving them – no matter what.  No boundaries are set against bad behaviors, criminal or otherwise.  

     

    Forgiveness was how my family cleaned up its messes.

     

    The cost of forgiveness is for the child to bear.  The abused child carries the weight of pain and grief.  Wrestles with holding on to love – where love is hurting.

     

    A new cycle begins when you decide no more.

    When you remove yourself from the flow of familiar.

     

    The excruciating process is when you step out – you are stepping out of family.

    Most will not clap for you and cheer you on.

    It seems insane, that you will have to traverse alone out of the cycles of abuse.

     

    You are going against familiar and truly not knowing if the new way will land you on your feet.  Or are you going from the frying pan to the fire.

    You can't know, until you are far far into your new cycle, if you achieved your goal.

     

    In reading her book, it made it clear the emotional and heart wrenching task it is to break the cycles. Which is why very few do.  It is a lonely road.  

     

    Labor Day weekend has become a reunion of sorts for my family of origin. Rumor has it this year it came with the spreading of my mother's ashes.  

    An ending of an era – it would seem.

     

    She has left her pattern downloaded in many.

    Her cycles continue on.

     

    If I look at my life from the vantage point of her family – mine is desolate.

    However when I see me in my new cycle – it is bountiful.

     

    My children now have choices of my old cycle or my new.

    It isn't up to me to choose.

     

    My part was jumping – and figuring it out as I go.

    Using my body, heart and soul to decide what is an environment where children will be safe. 

    I have boundaries.

    and love that doesn't come with pain.

     

    I understand the cycle of forgiveness – for you get to keep family.

    I understand the cycle of boundaries – you lose family.

    But the cost of forgiveness within families where abuse happens – continues to create new victims. Sadly, in our case small children.

     

    My life's work is to continue on creating a new pattern – knowing it will impact the generations after me. 

     

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    Each of my children also will find themselves at a cross road and will get to decide which road they take.  What their own legacy will be.  

    We are all free to choose, but as they say we are not free from the consequences of the choice.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Rattles Your Beliefs

    "Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable." –Cesar Cruz

     

    This reimagining of DaVinci's Last Supper, has hit some buttons – as great art should.

    Art truly should disturb the comfortable and to comfort the disturbed.  It is there to speak in ways lots would love there to be silence.  

     

    What this art form has shown most, is how narrow and judgmental some christian's beliefs are and how they are only comfortable with those 'like them'.

     

    I experienced life in the narrow trenches of religion and how my own self judgment often then colored others.  I had zero tolerance, understanding or empathy for those unlike me.

    When art can draw an affront – to me – it has truth woven through it.

     

    If your said religion feels attacked by those – not like you – it may mean your religion isn't wide enough or open or accepting or loving or inclusive.  It may mean that there are boundaries or fences to keep "different" out.

     

    Somehow what is lost is how there are billions of expressions of humanity and each are living life from their inside out.

    I am always astounded when someone outside can disturb your inner faith – just by being themselves.

     

    Humanity won't be healed by the exclusion of others or the fear of what seems different.

     

    Great Art forms will disturb the comfortable and will show the world just who they are, and how they see this world and the human journey.

     

    It is my belief, if you have a strong inner personal understanding of who you are, others on the outside can't smear it.  

     

    We need more disturbing art – to create cracks in the old ways of narrow beliefs.

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    Faiths that can withstand art and all its expressions – is one of freedom and inclusiveness.

    The Art Forms at the Olympics created a disturbance and it reached the goal it intended.

    How each person views it, will also display who you are and what you believe.

    While many feel art is visual – it actually speaks to your soul and rattles your beliefs.

     

  • Freedom Waited for Me to Act

    With the freedom of speech 

    comes the responsibility to 

    listen

    With the freedom of belief

    comes the responsibility to 

    accept

    With the freedom from want

    comes the responsibility to 

    serve

    And with the freedom from fear

    comes the responsibility to 

    act.    

     

    (Summary of FDR's Four Freedoms by Darren Walker)

     

    I saw this on a friend's instagram –

     

    I love how each of our freedoms come with a responsibility on our part.

     

    It took me a long time to understand what listening was about – in how we can learn to understand another's journey.  Maybe it was when I learned more about my own journey, I could see the wide range of possibilities of others.

     

    And, I love how belief comes with acceptance.  In order to truly believe you have to accept the facts of what is.  Beliefs that are not grounded in reality or in facts, are beliefs of falsehoods. I became a believer in acceptance – more than my old religion was trying to teach. 

    In fact, it wasn't often about acceptance, but more about forgiving what is.

    The sins – were washed away – to change reality.

     

    Serving often relieves us of what we want.  And what we want isn't often what we need.

     

    The responsibility to act – truly takes away our fear. For most often is we don't want to act differently than we have in the past, for then we will change how others see us or engage with us.

     

    I just love that our freedoms are hinged upon a responsibility on our end.

    Freedom isn't free from the consequences of our choices.

    Freedom isn't a given – or a lazy relationship.  

    Our freedom depends upon our engagement with life and those we spend time with.

     

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    In thinking yesterday – Memorial Day – what came to me was to not squander the freedoms we have access to. To use your freedom in the small choices – and how each little choice can change your world.

     

    I am so ever grateful for my ability to act freely in all aspects of my life.

    These freedoms came with my intentions of authenticity and to live a life that reflects my truths.  It took courage to step out of the patterns I was raised in – and each time I was brave and made a new decision, another part of me was free.

    Freedom waited for me to act.

     

     

     

  • May She rest in Peace.

    There is a humming in the backdrop of my life – a ghostly echo from the past. Most often nowadays, it is barely perceptible – and then voices come in.

    Words carrying the wishes, for the lack of a better word, from my estranged mother who is actively dying.

    When my answer is different than her wants – it appears that I have turned judgmental.

     

    "Hopefully you are never judged by people who never walked in your shoes." A brother.

     

    If and unless, I do her bidding, then I am seen as judging her.

    Is it judging to want to do something opposite of her wants?

     

    Others seeing me as judging her – based on my opposite choices – has always confounded me. For I don't feel that I am in judgement – in fact, I am more concerned about how my choices affect me – inside – and how they sit right with what I know my truth and reality is.

     

    I had to google, What motivates people to judge someone, just to see what came up.

     

    "As with projection, feelings of inadequacy tend to be closely related to insecurity, as are many reasons for a judgmental mentality. If someone feels inadequate about something, they may be more likely to mock or belittle others who have a healthier—or simply different."

     

    "People judge others to avoid reckoning with potential feelings of inferiority and shame. Since judging others can never give a person what they really need, they feel like they have to keep doing it. One can choose not to perpetuate the cycle of judgment."

     

    What is interesting to me about this – is that judgment is coming from the lower place of feeling shame and inferior.  It doesn't come from the place of being healthier and more aware of yourself and self-love.  Which of course it wouldn't.

     

    After reading that I wonder who is judging who?

     

    Parents write upon the clean slate of a child.  They will either raise their self worth or lower it.  In my case my slate lowered my worth.  I was eclipsed by their needs.

     

    It has taken me many years to wipe that slate clean, to right if you will their wrongs.  I no longer carry the shame that is theirs to carry.  

    In separating out what actions are theirs and what responsibilities are mine – I began re-defining me.

    I wasn't who they wanted me to be.

     

    In my heart of hearts I do not feel I am judging.

    I am instead making choices based on what feels right for me, what actually will raise my level of integrity.  

     

    What I also know to be true, is that my choices – are not viewed as kind, loving or with a heart.

    I get it.  

    It isn't the right choice for you.

     

    As she lay dying – it doesn't change how I feel inside of me – or want me to make a new choice.  

     

    In the end of the end, I continue to honor our estrangement.  

    For us, it will be a life sentence.

    It was a choice.  A healthy response for me. I found my soul's worth on the outside.

     

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    As they hold vigil close.

    I will be outside.

     

    Two generations of women – each of us are walking our own path.

    We each carry our own legacy and the past littered with a million choices.

    We will reap what we sow and our hearts carry what we love.

     

    She is now a stranger I once knew, and her path, one I used to walk on.

    May she rest in Peace.

     

    "I don't know what's best for me or you, or the world. I don't try to impose my will on you or anyone else. I don't want to change or improve you or convert you or help you or heal you.  I just welcome things as they come and go. That's true love.…" Byron Katie

     

     

     

  • My Life in Slow Motion.

    As I lay on my bed, before being rolled into surgery, I acknowledge my hip and its service for 65 years.  As I put my attention to what it had done for me for so many years, I got a lump in my throat.

    Mostly in awe of its strength and durability.

    The thought that first came in was all the years of holding a baby on my hip – jutted out and one arm around the child. This began before I was much over 5 years old.

    A lot of little ones were carried by me, soothed and clung to me for care.

    As well as my own children.  This is just what mom's do.  Nowadays mom have those neat little wrap things that hold the child to their torso.  I am feeling it is much better on the mother.

     

    My hip has been through a lot. 

    Its history is mine – knowing the body keeps the score.

    In acknowledging it – and feeling gratitude and release – I then opened space to welcome a new part. 

     

    What has been interesting to me, is how in the painful moments of recovery, and broken sleep and odd dreams – it feels as if sorrow has been disturbed.  Awakened old wounds and feelings of missing- a longing – and even deep loneliness comes up.

     

    A dream about a child and them not understanding my absence – or me longing to be part of something I no longer can be.  An Aunt who isn't one. 

     

    My history and caring of family seems to have been stirred up – in the worn out body part.

    Emotions pumping through me carry voices of the past in my dreams.

     

    It could be that in moments of suffering – other sufferings arrive.

     

    These surgeries – or more the first few weeks of recovery – slow down time and your life.

    My world evolved around rest, ice, medicine and basic life care. You become very self – centered – for taking care of your own needs IS all you can handle.

     

    Little things become big ones.

    Getting dressed, making it to the bathroom on time, getting in bed and getting out of bed, getting comfortable in bed, putting clothes on and taking them off – all while not bending much – giving the hip time to heal.  Stepping into the shower with care and stepping out.

    My Walker has a makeshift basket on it – it rocks.

    I can bring tea to the living room, a wonderful warmy (heating bag) and my ice packs, my yarn, my treats, my water, etc. It  gave me hands – that the walker took away.

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    Taking care of my body – where so often in the past, my body was used to care for others. I now was tasked to care for it – handicapped. 

    I am grateful for my activeness prior to surgery, it has helped when parts of me are strong. I can see how important it is to keep physically active and how other parts of your life are made easier because of it.

    I have help.

    Good and caring help – patient and understanding loving help. I am beyond grateful.

    I wasn't alone.  I have a good partner; in sickness – and in health.

     

    Being temporarily handicapped makes you appreciate health, strength, endurance resilience and the active nature that is usually my life – and options.

    To appreciate the freedom of life, the plans and the open door to adventures.

    However there is something to be said of this down time too.

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    The smallness and simplicity of the world inside my house and mainly in a few rooms.

    To focus on projects that require mostly hand and eyes. 

    During the painful days, it gave me something else to focus my attention on.

    Art Therapy for me is to keep my mind happy dwelling on constructive things. Left alone it tends to ruminate on false narratives and lies.

    Doing art engages my soul and the childlike sense of self.  And man, time flies when you are having fun.

     

    Life at a slower pace isn't bad, you can still find things that delight your soul.

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    I do miss being outside though – and I am excited for my ride tomorrow to see how my hip is coming along.

     

    I am so ever grateful there is a surgery that can take out an overused part and replace it with a new one. This new hip will allow me to live through more adventures – my world will be open once again.  Until then I am caring for me – in my life in slow motion.

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  • A Legacy she can be Proud of.

    In my old body lives a young girl.

    Brokenhearted and at peace.

    I feel her most on my left side snuggled under my ribs.

    At times she is the lump in my throat.

     

    She is my past and very present. 

     

    My heart weeps for her brokenness.

    Broken relationships she cannot alone fix.

    Her heart craving what is gone.

    And loving her present.

     

    I see her pure intentions as a child manipulated and twisted. Her forgiving heart blocking out the reality of horrors. Her innocence used and managed.  Lost in the intersections of abuse and cult-like religion – her childhood lost.

     

    A child lost in the sea of adults failing.

    She tried to fix their wrongs.

    To be a good girl; to want less – feel less – be less – speak less- to disappear and grow small.

    And yet to be more.

    More kind, more forgiving, more good, more responsible, more helpful.

    It was never enough.

     

    I see and feel her trying to achieve the unachievable. For no matter what she did, reality remained the same.

     

    Her failings back then are my goals today.

     

    I am grateful for the tug on my heart of sorrow and empty – for it reminds me to truly live.

    She will always feel the brokenness of estrangement, the longing for that family and I am okay with it – and she is overwhelmed with gratitude for the love her heart feels to those she loves today.

     

    I feel the separation and the union of her and I.

    We know what love is not.

    We know what love is.

     

    We can't fix the past – nor the brokenhearted.

    Somehow I feel her broken-heart is the wall between my past and present.

    My heart had to break and I had to break up with my family of origin, in order to course correct and to have the love I have today.

     

    This brokenhearted girl rides with me.

     

    I think I thought over time, she would disappear and the new self would take over and she would be but a small blip on my journey.

    But my heart tells me different. 

    It beats differently – separated from those I was raised with.

     

    My sorrow and broken heart is part of who I am.

    It rides shotgun and is my constant.

     

    She is part of my heart and love.

    Together, this old body, my broken heart and I – we live a great life.

    Each of us carry a piece that is needed to feel fully alive.

    She fuels my courage to dare and hope and dream and achieve.

    It is my intention to live a life with a legacy she can be proud of.

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  • Play

    What if January was the month of acceptance.  The month we made an accounting of all that is – a month of looking deeply into who we are and why.

     

    Often we want changes on the outside – to make the inside happy. Instead of sitting where you are, we want something different.

     

    If I look at my life it is completely on the mark.

    Nothing goes unnoticed.

    And nothing is out of line.

     

    The sugar I eat adds pounds – as it should.

    The miles I walk and bike – add muscle

    Peace often follows difficult discussions – clarity feels like peace to me.

    Accepting what is – is a restful place to be – for the mind isn't tasked to build 'what ifs'.

    Being estranged brings peace and sorrow.

    Living with grief – has brought me deep compassion.

    Loving myself – with full acceptance, allows me to love others the same.

     

    My only desire is to be me – even when that is hard.

    I want to be brave and have courage to always speak what is true for me.

    I want to share feelings – especially the negative ones.

    I love love and am so grateful my heart feels the freedom of love.

    May I continue to live as me, as honestly as I can – even when it hurts others.

     

    Perhaps especially then.

    My own happiness, love, joy and peace has to be first. It is from there I can give the same freedom to others.

     

    This quote came to mind from Byron Katie.

    "I don't know what's best for me, you or the world. I don't try to impose my will on you or anyone else. I don't want to change you or improve you or convert you or help you or heal you. I just welcome things as they come and go. That's true love. The best way of leading people is to let them find their own way."

     

    It may be that my hourglass is now on the side of running low – but I am way more content to be me – and love doing what I love, and being with those I love and find joy and peace with. 

     

    January starts a new year of being you.

    I hope you too can find the courage to be more of yourself, to speak your truths and to make choices that reflect the deepest part of you.

    Have courage to live your joys and do things that make you happy.  Some of us were not taught to play and live a life of joy. Maybe this will be my word of the year Play.

     

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    "Do not wish to be anything but what you are." Saint Francis de Sales