I M Perfect lady

Category: FALC

  • Out Loud

    I have been thinking about breaking the silence ever since a group called "Voices Unmuted" was formed. A group whose Mission is to protect innocent children from sexual abuse within the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church (OALC).

     

    There is a podcast which talks about this subject – it was a few years ago, but completely applicable today.

     

    The juxtaposition between a religion and those not protecting the children is hard to wrap your head around.

    Like could there actually be grown up people within a religious organization – mute about children being in danger of sexual abuse.

    Not only grownups, but parents – and parents with large families and extended families. Adults who bear responsibility of looking out for children – and they are complacent and quiet about crimes against children.

     

    A question was asked "If you can’t believe there are many predators, ask yourself why you need so badly to believe there aren’t."

     

    This question is quite profound for the followers of these religions – who need the religion to not be tainted by abuse – especially sexual crimes against children – for then what do they believe in – or more how do they get to heaven one day.

     

    It is way more about them NOT wanting it to be true – rather than being curious about what if it is?

     

    What would happen to their lives IF they did believe there were many predators?

    What would it cost them?

     

    When there is abuse in another church, say the Catholic Church – they believe it.

    If there is abuse in a school or with a family outside of the church, they believe it.

     

    However when the unmuted voices speak about their church, their families in their world – it is different.

     

     

    If you were raised in the church and groomed to be silent – you and your past will no longer be the same.

     

    While there is a group unmuted – there is a much larger group of unbelievers – for their very being depends upon it.

     

    It has been over 20 years for me.  I know from experience the cost of believing the unbelievable.  To see your parents in a new light – and your religion. 

     

    These are big pillars in who you are.

    When they turn tarnished – there isn't much left of you.

     

    I know to the depth of my being – they know subconsciously that if the church falls – and the family's legacy is abuse – it will be the end of who they are.

     

    What they don't know, is that it is the beginning of finding your soul – the person you were born to be.  

     

    You lose all that isn't true.

    I didn't lose love – I lost dysfunction.

    I didn't lose a religion – I lost a cult that protects abusers.

    I didn't lose me – I lost the person I was to survive.

     

    When you don't want to believe something is true – usually it's because you need it to be the opposite – even when there are facts and truths in plain view.

     

    What is the saying "she protests too much".  

    "The quote "She protests too much" is a shortened version of the line "The lady doth protest too much, methinks," from Shakespeare's play Hamlet. It means that someone's excessive denials or over-the-top reactions to an accusation actually reveal their guilt or the opposite of what they claim to be true."

     

    It reveals their guilt or the opposite of who they claim to be.

     

    Imagine finding out the opposite of who you claim to be.

    Or what the church claims to be etc.

    I know this feeling.

    I was there.

     

    No matter how much I didn't want it to be true – my body couldn't lie.

     

    It does not matter how many voices are unmuted – each person will be the one to either believe it or protest too much.

     

    I believe they can feel the truth.

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    How ironic – or not – I have been working on this quilt – and it was before listening to the podcast or reading that question.   I love how my art speaks ahead of me. Feel the truth. Notice "the Answer" and "Out Loud" - 

     

     

     

  • Find the truth.

    "I write because it makes me feel like someone is listening – Or am I listening to myself."

     

    I love this quote and I don't know who said it.

     

    What I do know is that I began writing in earnest when I was the most lost.

     

    I was in a body, in a life – in relationships, I was a mother and a wife – and I didn't know who I was.

     

    This was quite scary and exhilarating at the same time.

     

    When I was writing, I was engaging with what I called my mental lady – my mind – and trying to find a Me that was not tainted with my childhood religion or the affects of abuse – or even just programming that comes with living in this world.

     

    Could I find myself, when I didn't know who I was or where I had gone missing?

     

    I am amazed I was any semblance of an adult –

    I had to look up "semblance" to see if that was the correct word to use.

    "the outward appearance or apparent form of something, especially when the reality is different. "she tried to force her thoughts back into some semblance of order"

     

    It is the perfect word. Especially when I was living different from the reality of my truths.

     

    I am not certain I can accurately describe the vast chasm of unknown – and me and the mental lady – trying to make sense of the senseless.

     

    This mental lady was who I had been for 46 years and the writer was who I was becoming  began dialoguing and arguing over who was the real me.        I felt like a fledging little bird compared to the wily mental lady.

    It seemed not a fair fight, for the new me was so small , unsure and bewildered – the mental lady had strength of not her own conviction – and was backed by family and church.

     

    Our playground or battlefield was on the blank sheet of paper.  

    Without pencil and paper, I fear the mental lady would have won.

     

    The strength of her brainwashing, the fear laced shame of abuse – was a powerful duo to contend with.

     

    Especially when inside of me was a newly seen abused little girl.

     

    A part of me was writing to empower that little girl and for her to become free.

     

    Often when a choices was tough to make, I would visualize how it would be to the wounded girl inside of me.  Then, the choice was easy.

     

    Many more hard choices were made – and the little girl inside of me grew strong as I listened to what she wanted/needed and gave her love, peace and joy.

     

    I look back fondly at those early years of being a fledging – doing battle with a brainwashed mind – and feel pride.

     

    Try talking sense to a person who's been under the spell of brainwashing – or better yet try changing them or debunking their beliefs – THAT is what she was up against.

     

    Writing helped free me from my brainwashed mind.

     

    It perhaps was one of the most powerful tools I used to get me to walk hand and hand with reality.

     

    I am no longer fledging – but very secure in who I am.

     

    I still use writing – which is now on this blog – anytime my mind can't leave an idea alone. When my mind is restless and it keeps pulling me from the reality of now – I am drawn to the blank page.

     

    What I recall too is how the wily mental lady was always so righteously right. And, I was often afraid to begin writing for I didn't know what I would have to do.  What choice I would be forced to make.

     

    Yet the writing always gave me a choice that was true for me.

     

    When it was true for me – I always felt at peace with the choice – even when that choice brought serious consequences.

     

    What the fledging bird within me wanted most of all, was to be true to my feelings and emotions.  I wanted to be in sync with my body, mind and spirt. 

     

    Writing was the vehicle – and my mental lady and I were on a journey to see which one of us would survive the ruthlessness of the pencil.

     

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    Me, Myself and I – on a journey to find the truth.

     

     

     

  • A Letter to You.

    There is a group of individuals who are concerned about the lack of reporting sexual assaults in the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church – and I can only hope there is a similar group in the First Apostolic Lutheran Church.  

    Mostly they are hoping to appeal to the elders of the church, the mission boards and preachers.  

    They want to inform them how to report sexual assault crimes.

     

    What I believe they fail to consider is that these are grown up people who know and who have chosen to remain quiet – to preserve the sanctity of their church.

    What appears to matter most is that if you don't speak of the evil that is present, the evil disappears.  While they are silent and unmoving, evil flourishes and has actually multiplied exponentially.  

    The two churches that I have mentioned truly look to the leadership on all things.  They are the ones who make the rules and set the tone of how you live, what you do with your body etc.

    Which is why so many are trying to get the attention of the church leaders to make some changes. They move when the elders move…their free thinking minds have been brainwashed.

     

    To me each parent who knowingly brings their children to places where known pedophiles are, IS a bigger problem.

    There is a false sense of security – when church members gather – believing the evil is in those who are outside of the church. Or stranger danger – for crimes against children. 

    More parents know and do nothing – than parents who are totally unaware.

     

    What I believed, when my father was arrested, that we were the only family. Only to learn over the next weeks, months and years, it was more common than not.  

     

    I also believe sexual abuse is so intertwined within families, it will be near impossible to eradicate.  

     

    I had abuse on both sides of my parents. 

    The church neighbors in our neighborhoods, had it in their homes.

    In fact a brother flippantly said, "there is abuse everywhere." which is sorta true in these churches. But that doesn't mean that it is right or okay or that we need not work on that changing.

     

    I have spoken with women of the church – who are unmovable when it comes to leaving the church, their faith is too precious. More than a child in harm's way.   Their minds won't let them leave and so they have to focus more on faith and less on the child's needs.

     

    So, as they write letters to appeal to the elders – the flock is compliant to the abuse in their circles. What would be the cost to the elders to admit they lost the sanctity of their religion.

    For how is their religion Holy – when abusers are protected there.

     

    I am not certain what the answer is – but the common sense has escaped – or been hijacked by the cult-like mindset.  When you have to be told to leave when children are at risk for sexual abuse – you are lacking responsibility.

     

    I often wished it was the problem of others – to change – but in the end it was up to me.

    I had to be the one to say no more, THIS ends with me.

    I will do what my mother couldn't do.

    I will end relationships, I will set boundaries, I will say no, I will chart the course on a whole new pathway – where there is zero tolerance.

     

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    Instead of addressing the preachers, start a letter to you.

    (What changes do you need to make to assure children are safe within your circles.)

     

     

     

     

  • Call it Love.

    What is love and what is indifference?

    For we all know the opposite of love is indifference.

     

    Indifference – "lack of interest, concern, or sympathy." 

     

    THIS is what rankles me the most about the religions who forgive abusers – is their lack of interest, concern or sympathy towards the victims.  That indifference IS nowhere near love or christian like actions.

     

    How can an organization who shows indifference towards children who are abused or are vulnerable to abuse, be a church of god.

    God, I thought was about love.

     

    The indifference towards victims, their voices and their truths – is so telling of where their priorities lie.  

    It isn't with the victims.

    I didn't have the right word to aptly describe what I could feel coming from others – it wasn't hate – it is indifference.

     

    Total lack of interest, concern or empathy – in fact – you can almost see the shutters go down on their eyes.  Lack of interest  and lack of concern blows my mind – each and every time.

     

    What I know to be true is that if you are indifferent to crimes against children – when you show no concern or sympathy towards victims –  you are not acting in love.

    In fact, I would wager you don't know love. 

     

    The opposite of love is indifference.

     

    What I expected to happen within the church – the church I believed had high morals and values – was for there to be an outcry.  For abusers to be banished – and children protected. 

    When indifference was all I faced – it baffled me.

     

    However, if the church is indifferent – then it all makes sense.  An indifferent church would lack interest and concern.  

     

    What my mind has wrangled with for decades is to make sense of the senseless.

    I could not understand HOW indifference was the shared energy of so many.

    Indifferent enough to not leave the church.

    Seriously. 

    To be part of an organization who is indifferent to children being abused and be indifferent about it.  No concern, or interest AT ALL. You belong to an organization that is indifferent when it comes to crimes against children. Really?

     

    The only energy I ever felt from the church and so many adults and family members is indifference when it came to sexual abuse of children.

     

    They were and are indifferent to the risk a child is at – to be in an indifferent environment.

    When you lack interest and concern about children's vulnerability within your family and or religion – that is indifference towards children.  

    Not love.

    But the opposite.

    Children are not safe with you.

     

    What I know to be true in my experience, when I understood the indifference to my marrow – was they were not safe people.  

    It wasn't even they were indifferent to me, worse they were indifferent to what was done to me.  Their lack of concern, interest and sympathy – equates to being unloving.  

    That is what I felt from them – unloved.

     

    My heart likes to pretend I lost love.

    But my mind knows better.

    I lost indifference.

     

    Living lives of indifference  - compared to living with love.

    The vast space between leaves no place to stand on common ground.

     

    My heart breaks for those who have felt this indifference with their trauma of abuse.

    My heart knows the pain of indifference.

    Can you even matter if they are indifferent.

     

    I wrote a post once – about every little girl should matter.

    It seems overly cruel to be indifferent to a child in pain.

    A child who is at risk of sexual abuse.

    Often from family or someone they know in church.

     

    They are taught that God is love etc in a church of indifference.

    It is no wonder that the files in my left brain were all fucked up.

     

    Love is an energy.

    Indifference is an energy.

     

    While words of the church are cheap – and can say anything it wants. What matters most is how they respond.

     

    Love is an action.

    Indifference is an action – a non-moving action.

     

    The detective that sat in my home over 20 years ago said."I can't believe how many knew and did nothing."

    Indifference.

    That is what he meant. 

     

    Being a victim who disassociated and whose memory is small and vague of her childhood, I didn't know.

    I didn't know until another victim spoke up.

    I made sense.

    I was her.

     

    I wasn't indifferent to me no more.

     

    My life even makes more sense today – when I understand or put words to my feelings of being indifferent.

     

    Or more to see them in that light.  

     

    Those who are indifferent to child abuse – what do you call them?

    Neglecting a child's needs – especially after sexual abuse or when vulnerable to an abuser. 

     

    A person who neglects a child is often seen as abusive.

     

    The second wound is the indifference of others – after abuse.

    What we want is for there to be concern and sympathy.

    When faced with indifference – we shrink and pull back. 

     

    Another example of what I felt towards my parents. 

    Something in me – pushed me back.

    I wasn't drawn to either.

     

    I, and many have blamed ourselves for not being able to feel deep love and connection.

    How could we – when we felt their indifference.

     

    This feels like the energy of my childhood home – indifference.

    My heart broke knowing no love lived there.

     

    But I made more sense – being raised in indifference.

    My emotional intelligence was handicapped by the indifference.

    My model for love was indifference.

     

    When there is no interest, concern or empathy after abuse – you feel it deep in your heart and soul.

     

    I asked, "When someone shows indifference…" 

    and what came back was "Lack of Emotional Involvement."

    Wow.

     

    That also defines my childhood.- the lack of emotional involvement – is the only way you can be indifferent.

     

    How sad – but it feels true.

     

    Emotional involvement – "Being emotionally involved means deeply caring about someone or something, and having a strong connection that affects your feelings and actions. It implies a level of investment where your own well-being is intertwined with the well-being of the person or situation you are involved with. This can manifest as empathy, concern, and a desire to support or protect the object of your emotional involvement. "

     

    Twenty years later I am still learning and making sense of how my old world worked.

     

    What I do know, is that feels true to me. 

    I was raised with indifference and with parents who were not emotionally involved.

     

    The shallowness of that – feels right in my body.

    It also feels right that my emotions came online with the truth of my past.

    When my denial shattered, I began to feel.

     

    Many years of unexpressed emotions rose to be heard.

    The body truly does keep the score.

     

    I believe we are born love.

    And we still are love, when others are indifferent to us.

    Their indifference has nothing to do with us.

    Their indifference shows where their emotions are not.

    Love –" is an emotional attachment to person, animal or thing."

    Where indifference is the lack of emotional involvement.

    Their lack, not mine.

     

    I feel for a mother who is not emotionally involved with her child.

    And, the child who grew up in indifference, and was taught to call it love.

     

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  • What is Indifference.

    Victims are speaking out in the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church – and Abusers are being arrested. This – I hope starts to trickle into the First Apostolic Lutheran Church.

     

    Adult children of abuse – unmuting their voices.

    I cheer you on!

     

    I know this will come with consequences – and also with empowerment, freedom and self-love and respect.  

    I believe they are breaking cycles and making others feel less alone.  

    I am hopeful this is a trend that will keep on spreading into churches with cult-like tendencies.  

     

    What has always confounded me is the way these churches have allowed abuse to flourish.  How it appeared that they are incapable of seeing evil – or understanding the difference between good and bad.  

    How the lines seemed to be blurred by the forgiveness of sins – where wrongs/evil is forgiven and the person then becomes innocent of their crimes.  Washed whiter than snow – and in the eyes of the church – forgiven.  The crime/sin is said to be lost in the sea of grace.

     

    Where does this leave the victims?

    No longer victimized?

    No, added to the trauma of abuse, it is now a sin in the church's eyes to bring up this 'forgiven sin' – they are made to feel a bad christian for naming another's sin.  How convenient for the abusers – when victims are silenced this way.

     

    I had to look up the common conception or spectrum of what we call good and evil.

     

    "In ethics and philosophy, "good" and "evil" are typically defined as opposing moral concepts, with "good" representing what is considered morally right and positive, and "evil" representing what is morally wrong and negative.These concepts are often understood as a linear scale, with actions, behaviors, or intentions falling somewhere along this spectrum."

     

    What is the moral scale in these churches when they forgive the abuser and do not report their crimes?  Can they even be on the scale of good morals?

    It is so confusing when the forgiveness of sins, wipes away evil – than does evil  even exist in their worlds?

    If you don't a have a ruler or measurement of what is good and what is bad – right or wrong – how do you know where you stand and what to set boundaries against?

     

    The only way that the churches allow this evil to exist within so many families, is that they can't see the evil once it has been forgiven. 

     

    This mind game they play with real crimes leaves the victims without an ally. 

     

    There are many within these churches who feel that they are in an organization with high morals and values.  Yet, if you overlook crimes – especially against children – who are you?

     

    What seems to be child's play – has had decades and generations of folks being unresponsive to children who have been abused – while tending to the forgiveness of sins the church requires.

     

    I know, it isn't intentional – but a by product of their religion.

     

    They see the world so skewed – when evil only exists – until it's forgiven. It is a flash in a pan.

     

    What I know, from experience with my family – their world didn't really hold evil – or maybe only me.  

    They were all able to still have a father.

    They were able to forgive and move on.

    Their scale of good and evil seems more of good and good.

    I am seen as evil – for my mind is no longer capable of turning evil back into good with words and pretend thoughts.

     

    There is a meaning of forgiveness that I have adopted by Martha Beck  "I once read that forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a different past…but forgiving is not the same as obliterating memory."

    What these churches are asking when they say "Forgive and Forget" is to obliterate the memory of the abuse and that the abuser is evil.  

    Imagine asking this of young children. 

    Once I adopted her definition my world was set in reality – where good and evil did exist and I wasn't the evil person for speaking up. I wasn't evil for having boundaries or creating my own moral code.

    I also don't hold this against my family – for they were born into this brainwashing system – a religion where evil is washed away – if you are in their circle.  

    Maybe the real devil is the one who challenges their conditioned mind. 

     

    What brings me great hope is that more adult children of abuse within these churches start speaking out.  Unmuting their voices and start seeing evil.  

    And, my heart goes out to those who have to see evil in their own families – and to see the moral codes crumble in the religion they were raised in. And to find a new definition of forgiveness – giving up all hope of having a different past.

    In that past, you will find abuse and your abuser – and those who knew and did nothing.

    When you walk truthfully with your past, you can also walk truthfully into your future.

    My mind is at ease with what is.

    When you are walking hand and hand with reality – there is good and evil. And you discern what is love and what is indifference.

     

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  • Are you sure you are right?

     

    Do you think that most people believe that the way they were raised, the religion they were assimilated into and the beliefs they were taught, are Right.  

    How do we even know how we know we are right?

     

    I lived with right knowing for many years.

    It never occurred to me to explore the other side.

    The beliefs of my childhood – were part of being Me.

    I never ever questioned the ones who gave me the beliefs or the religion and its rules.

    They just were.

     

    The things implanted as a child and my own childhood interpretation became a file in my mind. It's pathway unquestioned – I just believed it was right.

    It is very telling that often religions are implanted into children;  an empty malleable mind.

     

    What is implanted in childhood is often hard to unwind – for it absconds with body and mind before the child gets a chance to define itself.

     

    These ideas are actually replacing the self.  A child in strict religions are made to meld into the ways of the church – but without a fully formed self – the child becomes the religion. 

     

    I don't recall having freewill – I moved as the religion would have moved. 

     

    I lived on rote.

     

    I had to look up the definition – "mechanical or unthinking routine or repetition. a joyless sense of order, rote, and commercial hustle."

     

    I had to chuckle at the joyless sense of order….in how aptly it described my early years… sadly.

     

    The rightness of the religion in my mind was partnered with sexual abuse.

    But, the sexual abuse wasn't recorded in the files.

    My body held these truths.

     

    When the sexual abuse wasn't recorded – my mind didn't see the abuse or act in accordance with it. It never existed – yet it did happen.

     

    As a child downloading the religion and at the same time experiencing childhood sexual assault by my father – my mind files were *&%$ – to put it gently.  So not right -not even close.

     

    I truly feel for my younger self living life with a messed up filing system and no real separate self.

    She believed she was right and there was no one there to challenge her thoughts or beliefs.

    In the religion, we were taught the sinful nature of our bodies.  I was never taught to honor my feelings, emotions and instincts.  

    I separated from my body in sexual abuse as well.

    I truly lived disconnected from my body and all its wisdom.

     

    I am not certain I can articulate this.

     

    Just because you believe something to be right, it doesn't mean it is.

    "A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right, and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority."

     

    Knowing the cost of religion and sexual abuse upon my life and how it impacted the files in my mind, I can understand how others live this way as well.  It would be nice if we were all free thinkers and open to curiosity and wonder – but too many of us are locked behind a corrupt mind.

    I wondered if corrupt was accurate – here is one definition. "made unreliable by errors or alterations."  This is very accurate. 

    I also understand how scary it would be to know your mind is unreliable when the mind is you.  You don't want to know you are unreliable.

     

    I truly was lost when the files in my mind were discovered to be lies.  I didn't have a self standing in the wings. I was 46 years old married with 4 kids and I didn't have a clue who I was – outside of the mind's files.

     

    Yet it was the first time I was free to think and ponder and wonder and learn. 

    It was an exhilarating process to go through the files I called right – to discover the lies and see the world completely different. 

     

    I am willing to wager that there are folks on both ends of the spectrum with wrong right files.  And, they would be aghast at what they are proclaiming to be right.

     

    Mostly what I know – is that I would not have been convinced otherwise. 

    Here is a quote I love – "A man convinced against his will – is of the same opinion still " which came from the quote below.

     

    “He that complies against his will, Is of his own opinion still” from Hudibras by Samuel Butler 

    What is interesting – is that I misquoted this for years – I thought it was a MIND convinced against its will is of the same opinion still.  

     

    Any one of them works.  

     

    Knowing this and experiencing life with a closed not right mind – I don't believe we will change minds from the outside in.

    I also know the strength of some minds and the steel grip it has on them.  My voice and my convincing will fall on deaf ears. 

    "forgive them, they know not what they do" is one sentiment I can agree upon.

     

    I wrote all that to say, are you sure you are right?

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    Another quote I love is by Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor – "that the left brain takes the least amount of information and weaves the most plausible story."

    Here is her talk – and she has a book "My Stroke of Insight".  She explains the parts of our brain and its differences. 

     

     

  • Being Me

    December 4th is a date that I most likely will always remember – the day that reality slammed into me and changed my world forever.

    The day when a child spoke up that my father had sexually abused her.

    I believed her.  

     

    That moment in time – flipped my world right side up – and all that I knew – was no more.

     

    Who I was that day – and who I am today – are light-years apart.

     

    It was a day that broke my denial and made me aware of how upside down and backwards I was – a functioning dysfunctional.

     

    So, the twenty year anniversary is more about me and my evolution than it is about anything else.

    I lost a lot. There were things of my old life that no longer worked in my new awareness.

    Things I had shoved down – came up.  

    People I had no boundaries with – now have boundaries.

    Unexpressed emotions from the past rushed in to be expressed.  I used my voice even if my legs were shaking. I grew up each time I spoke a truth others didn't want to hear.

     

    Who I was and how I lived – made sense – coming from whence I came.

    The piece of the puzzle – being abused by my father- was key to know – it explained a lot about me.  I am grateful for the piece – I was missing. It completed me.  My life made more sense with abuse in my past.  I understood me and my dysfunctional ways

     

    The remnants of that old life are few and far between.

    I am the person now – I needed when I was a child.

    I like who I am and what I stand for.

    I am without a family(of origin) and faith – and yet my life is full.

     

    While I lost a lot – I gained more.

    My whole life opened up that day and all the ugly was present – but so was the potential of so much good. 

     

    I would not be eager to go and do it again; but I would to get to where I am today.

     

    There is a lot of grief that lives in my heart – and for the most part it is soft and in the background.  I am okay with it riding with me.  It is a reality of my life.  

    My heart though has expanded and grown – both with the deep sorrow and knowing the truth – and loving my wounded self and encouraging her to grow. 

     

    What these past 20 years have taught me is that we are all on our own path and it isn't my responsibility to eradicate all the abuse – but to live a life that reflects my own morals and values.  Each of us are on the side of history that mirrors our character.

     

    Twenty years later I know peace, love and joy.

    Twenty years later I understand more deeply the price you pay to live your own truth.

    Twenty years later I am a peace with who I am.

    Twenty years later I am still a lover of realty and accept what is.

    Twenty years later I am still learning and growing and becoming.

    Twenty years later is a great start in being Me.

     

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  • God’s Free Will

    Women's rights are a tricky subject – because what is actually being talked about IS not her by herself.  She is unable to find herself pregnant without a man. She can't make a baby on her own – the man carries a crucial piece AND this is not talked about.

     

    His rights are never in question or limited.

     

    A woman is left with the evidence that a man planted a child.

     

    And she alone is judged and crucified for what she decides to do.

     

    There is also a limited version of abortion – that is willfully used primarily as birth control – and that it isn't a heartbreaking decision that is for health reasons of a child or the mother.

     

    Mostly there needs to be a wider version of the discussion and a more open view on what is going on.

     

    Women are only one part of the equation – yet carry full blame.

    Limiting women – on the other side of baby making – seems like shutting the door after the horses left the barn. Why not stop the baby making process at the gate.  Limit men from having kids until they can prove the kids are wanted and can be supported.

    Limit the surgery decisions to the doctor and the carrier of the baby.

    Leave the church and state out of it.

     

    It seems unfair to reduce the limits of women and not look upon the man – at all.

    What would be a fair discussion to have about a pregnancy – and its continuation – or even conception?

     

    There are two people involved and only one is being addressed.

    What is the saying – instead of pulling people out of the river – it is better to go up river and see how they are getting there.

     

    What doesn't seem to be the right answer is to take away the woman's right to her own body - 

     

    Also, what else has been bugging me, is that so many of the ultra religious women are voting to take away rights – when they themselves have little ownership of their own bodies.

     

    They are not able to limit the amount of children they have.

    They are not free with their own bodies and yet they feel they can limit others.

     

    It seems that only those who are free to choose, should be voting.

     

    What I have learned – in my experience – the freer I became, the wider my sense of accepting and allowing others to live their lives freely.

    I  would not want others telling me what is right or wrong in my life – and I am not sure what is right or wrong in your life. 

     

    What is right for me – doesn't necessarily mean it is right for you.

    If God gave us free will – why are some feeling like it is theirs to control?

     

    I am pretty sure it is a sign of dysfunction to control others. 

    A society that has equal rights and freedoms is a healthy society – and/or religion or relationship of any kind.

     

    There are three kinds of rights. "These are Natural rights, Moral rights & Legal rights. Legal rights can be defining in three categories. These are, Fundamental rights, Political rights & Social or civil rights.

     

    What seems to be happening is the 'moral' rights of some are creating negative legal rights, that infringe upon the natural rights of women.

     

    Those who can justify this – better know – that you too are at risk of having your natural rights taken away – with the right people in power.  

     

    In the land of the free – it is not a positive to reduce someone's freedom.

     

    Morals are what you believe to be right or wrong –

    And these are personal and I don't feel should be imposed upon others.

     

    Values – a person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life. "they internalize their parents' rules and values"
     
    Free Will – Free will is the ability to make choices independently and without outside influence. It's linked to concepts like moral responsibility, praise, and culpability, which only apply to actions that are freely chosen. 

     
     
    I guess in the land of the free – I would like to honor God's free will.
     
    And He gave us free will—the ability to think, reason and make our own choice.
     
    It would seem those who are supportive of religion and God, would want at the very least to give each of us God's Free Will.
     
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  • Peace on Earth

    We Vote today – a choice we will have to make – we vote each time there is a decision in our lives, our choices reflect our values and our morals.

    Our vote typically aligns with our energy.

    The candidate and their vision of the future – matches our own.

     

    I am not certain any political ad or speech will sway us one way or the other.

    Who we are – is how we vote.

     

    We vote for what feels familiar or probably what is the popular vote among our family and friends.

     

    We don't typically want to stand out and be different.

     

    Trying to sway someone to vote differently – is to try and change their inner code – which seems almost unshakable.  However, if your own life has been upended, your inner sense of the world will change and you will renegotiate your values and morals.

    And with new morals and values, your vote will change.

     

    While voting on the president is a big deal, all of our decisions are big deals.  Each choice we make or don't make, will affect our individual relationships – with ourselves and those around us.

     

    What we stand for or sit down with- matters.  

    The accumulation of our votes leans forward thinking or standing still or trying to move backwards. The universe though I believe is forward evolution – albeit slow at times.

     

    And it seems that some are okay taking away rights and others are not.  

    If you are born and raised in a community that has limited your rights, it feels right.

    Some have been limited their whole lives – living in a body that they didn't have the right over.

     

    Hear that.  

    They do not own their own body.

     

    I know this – I lived for 46 years with a body that wasn't mine.

    I wasn't able to do with it – as I wanted; but what the church felt was right or wrong.

    I was nowhere to be found.

     

    I understand when so many women step into the voting booth – how they will not be free.

    Perhaps because I know the difference – I have a choice.  Others do not.

     

    I didn't even know know – that I was not free. I only knew how to be a good person within the church and follow the rules.  I didn't look deeply at the rules or what they meant or how I felt or what their impact had on me – let alone how these rules excluded others.

     

    It was just a sin to have total freedom with my body.

    One of the bigger choices that is being voted on is women's rights.

    And it is complicated.

    Not a simple or easy conclusion.

    But, oddly it would be IF it was about the Man.

     

    Being a country of freedoms – some are limited by their religious rules. It will be foreign to vote for freedom of self. 

     

    At the end of the day – when the votes are tallied, we will have a better understanding on how the majority feel and whose rights are being supported.  

    Will humanity continue to grow and expand and become more aware and balanced or will we spiral backwards to limitations.  

    While voting for the president is a big decisions, there are many real decisions in our own lives that matter in how we add to the wellness of humanity.  

    We vote according to our limits – not the broad space of potentials.

     

    How we respond to the election when it is all said and done and how we live with the candidate that is not our choice – will also be a choice.  

    Our challenge in life is to live and be the best you can be within the systems that govern our country and community. The best way to govern is to lead with freedom.

     

    In a perfect world, there would be peace on earth.

     

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  • Moment of Time

    How would you live life if there wasn't the application of forgiveness?

    If all your actions were accountable and traveled with you?

    Are there choices you would no longer make?

     

    My views on forgiveness have changed completely.  I used to believe it was kind of me to wipe away sins from others- to forgive and move on as if that sin didn't happen.  This was kindness to me.

     

    When applying forgiveness – it never occurred to me that – it was a mind game.

    It was a thought process – and usually left me feeling resentful.

     

    I was taught to forgive.

    That it was MY way to heaven.

    And it wasn't my business to care or judge the sins of others.  My 'job' was to act and feel that the 'sin' had been removed.

     

    Forgiveness was the magic eraser – and we all then had to believe IT was gone.

    It was a mind shuffle at best.

     

    My mind was conditioned to do this magical exercise – and it didn't allow for my feelings or emotions or even the reality of what happened.  I was made to live in pretend land.

     

    This land of pretend – often overlooks the hurt that is done – for I guess we don't forgive what is right. Only the wrong things.

     

    When you are made to live denying hurtful behavior – you are only seeing one side of a person – the dark side isn't to be mentioned.  We live with the potential – but not the real.

     

    This may seem like madness to those not raised on the forgiveness of sins.  It was the way of heaven.  In order to arrive in heaven one day – you must forgive and be forgiven.

    Forgiven of sins.

     

    Each church and religion have their own set of what a sin is.  

     

    This tool often means you don't really really really have to change, you can repeat the behavior that is wrong – because there is this application to wipe clean what you did.

     

    It boggles my mind now – that I lived believing in this. 

     

    When you no longer have this tool – your choices matter more.

    Again, what if your sins truly don't go anywhere, but those choices live upon your heart?

     

    It was an interesting and horrifying visual to see the sins of my father being repeated for decades.  The sins (choices) were repeated upon new victims.   Forgiveness didn't change my father – rather it allowed him to sin again.

     

    In my old religion (First Apostolic Lutheran Church) the focus only glanced briefly at the sinner – but we were made to feel worse than the criminal IF we didn't forgive.

     

    The onus was on the victim to keep the reputation and character of the sinner in good standings.

    It is a co-dependent relationship at best – but one where it is impossible to leave the victim position. And the sinner never appears to have to wear their sins.  They are often hidden by forgiveness.

     

    Is it truly unkind to make others wear their choices?  

    Living without forgiveness for almost 20 years has made me much more accountable to myself. I know the steps I take will be recorder upon my spirit.  

     

    Perfection is not what I am aiming for – nor do I feel that it is up to others to maintain my character.  

     

    No one comes in with all the answers or the right choices to make in life.  Each time life presents us with a choice, we will live with the consequences of that choice. It lives with us.

     

    We are composed of our life's choices.

     

    The poor choices I made while under the influence of a brain washed mind – live inside of me. The years of denial and blindness accumulated a burden of consequences that overwhelmed me when I understood that all I forgave – was for naught.

     

    Forgiveness now feels like a swear word to me.

    And kindness a cloak of blindness.

     

    There is a meaning of forgiveness that resonates with me – "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, but we cannot move forward if we're still holding onto the pain of that past and wishing it was something else."

     

    In giving up hope that the past could have been any different – it set me free.

    I was made to sit with what is.

    It is interesting how the pain did eventually subside once I sat with the lost hope.

     

    Who knew that giving up hope for things to be different could be so life changing.

    Without the hope of things being different – I could sit in what was – and I could feel the angst of the reality of the sins that lay at my feet – mine, theirs and how these choices create a pretend reality.

     

    It seems insane that a life without forgiveness is so kind.

     

    And, I am not even sure I use Hope anymore.  Not the hope that is like a prayer for things to change.

     

    I just live with what is – and I am okay with the sins I carry – for I when I knew better – I did better. 

     

    My heart's content holds all my life's choices – I carry the weight of my heart.

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    Without the hope that my past could be any different – I feel peace today.

    And my future lives in the reality of this moment of time.