Category: Religion

  • You do not stand alone.

    I stood up for a child.

    My child.

    My 4 children.

    I stood for my siblings.

    I stood for their kids.

    I stood for the little girl inside of me.

    I stood for children everywhere who have been waiting for someone to stand and object.

    For someone to see the monsters in their lives.

    For someone to hear their voices.

    For one ear and one eye show them they are not alone.

     

    I stood alone.

    I stood shaking

    I stood not knowing.

    I stood.

     

    What does this look like in reality?

    What does it take to put a child first?

    What does first really really mean?

     

    I know I am triggered and reacting to the ways some are 'showing' they care for a child.

     

    Here is the deal.

    I am a daughter who nobody stood for.

    I am a member of a church that didn't stand.

    The children in my family and neighborhood and church – had no one stand for us.

     

    And, here is another deal.

    I stood – when I became aware of sexual abuse within my childhood home.

    I stood shaking in horror and disbelief. 

    I stood against my father.

    I stood against my mother.

    I stood against the church who blessed his sins away.

    I stood against the ministers who knew and blessed him too.

    I stood against the neighbors who knew and kept their kids a way.

    I stood against my siblings who supported a father in various ways.

    I stood against my siblings who supported my mother.

    I stood up and walked away.

    I walked away from the excuses, the reasons, the wanting to be part of the church, the family….

    You can't be for a child halfway.

    This IS black and white.

     

    You are either helping the perpetrator or not participating in it.

     

     

    This is what standing for a child looks like.

    You don't get to decide who you stand against.

    You stand for the rights of a child.

    You stand for the innocence of the child.

    You stand for their mental health – for they think they are crazy and messed up – not that their family and church is.

     

    I know I am not addressing the unborn child.

    I am talking about how do you prioritize a child who is living – in your home – in your family – in your church. How are you showing them you stand against abuse and for a child?

     

    Standing by a child isn't just words.

    You can't stand for a child by boycotting companies that support a woman's choice.

    You can't stand by a child – only IF it doesn't require you to lose your faith.

     

    Here is another deal.

    My mother has held on dearly to her faith  -

    Dearly.

    More dearly than how she held a child.

     

    How do I know this.

    I am her child.

    While she quickly defended her faith and her husband.

    She never not once defended me.

     

    Standing for a child was not her way.

    Standing for a child requires you to have nothing placed before them.

     

    What I can't articulate enough is the cost of innocence and what that does to a child.

    We grow up feeling we are not enough, we are not valuable etc.

    We don't know what it feels like to have a warm soft feeling inside about who we are.

    We have been man handled and treated with such disdain by ALL the adults who could have stopped it. So many knew/know and do nothing.

     

    I stood and gave names to the Houghton County Detective.

    But, what could he do.

    I stood and spoke out loud about sexual abuse and estrangement.

    I stood and more are now standing with me.

     

    Yet, they are also ones who have left the church and often their families.

    You don't get to stand for a child when it is convenient  - or comfortable or without a personal cost.

    In fact you may lose everything to save one child.

     

    You have to put your own life aside – for the child has to come first.

    My life as I knew it – shattered.

    I would never be the same – thank God.

     

    It was and has been my greatest achievement to have stood up against abuse and stood with the child.

     

    Again I get it – I am talking about children who are already born. Living – and the ones I am talking about are the ones who had no voice.  

    Similar to the unborn the faithful women are talking about.

     

    Perhaps it is much much easier to stand for an unborn child – unknown – detached from your own life and the legacy of church and family – than it would be to literally change the patterns within your own faith community and family of origin.

     

    My old church the First Apostolic Lutheran Church and the offshoots of it – and the lineage pretty much – all share one common theme. Sexual abuse of its youngest members.  And, if the women are not willing and able to be up in arms about them.  There is now way in hell I can see them standing in line to parent the children that may now be born.

     

    In life we can know how things will turn out by past behaviors.

    For past behaviors are predictors of the future.

     

    I am the oldest girl and my abuse happened oh 55 years or so ago.

    I stood up and walked out about 17 plus years ago.

    As I sit here today, very little has changed.

     

    Abuse still happens.

    Silence still echoes.

    Support for the perpetrator still happens.

    Children are not even close to being first.

     

    I often wonder how heaven will be for these faithful women. How they will be able to enjoy paradise knowing the cost of getting there was borne by the children. 

     

    I no longer believe that heaven is when we die.

    And, I know hell does exist.

    But it is here already.

     

    I had to look up Faith. For I was wondering what would shatter theirs.

    "complete trust or confidence in someone or something."

    Since I was them – what I know is that we wholeheartedly believe what we believe, even if what we believe is wrong.  

    My faith shattered when I was able to see a truth I hadn't seen.

     

    It was my innocence.

    When someone saw the monster I felt my father to be. I was set free.

     

    Which is why I keep writing – when I feel there is a gap in the dialogue – when I feel this voice needs to be spoken.

     

    What I know for sure is that if we can stop the cycles of abuse, if each family can start flipping the patterns, we will have less abuse, more love and awareness. 

    The blind faithful will not be the change we need in the world.

    We need women who will stand with the children; let's start with the ones who are already born.

     

    I stand with those who are already standing.

    Who have stood and walked the walk.

    May this trend keep moving and growing.

     

    In these moments where women feel helpless – you are not.

    We need awareness, kindness, compassion, empathy. We need to hold the world in balance.

    We need more love, joy and peace.

    We can be parent we wish we had.

    We can be the adult who knows and stands up.

     

    I stand with those who stood up in their own lives. I know the cost.

    We are badass, strong, resilient, resourceful, courageous, and loving.

     

    I heard on a podcast that humanity always bends towards kindness – the arch as seen in hindsight.

    I have to believe this is true.

    We are part of those pulling things back towards kindness.

    You know who you are.

     

    The counter measure toward injustice will be doing the opposite.

    Pull hard to sway humanity back into balance.

     

    I send loving kindness to those faith full women who know not what they do.

    And I send love and strength to those who are already standing.

    You do not stand alone.

     

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    When I saw this picture it seemed to fit.

     

     

  • Their Own Child

    How many people are aware of things they are wrong about? Most of us were not taught discernment or have the ability to change our minds/beliefs.  

     

    I was raised in a black and white world. I was taught that 'our' church is the only church going to heaven. I was taught that everyone outside of the church was evil.  I was programmed to see the world with a myopic lens.  Very very narrow and completely and utterly wrong.

     

    It was embarrassing and mind blowing and brilliantly thrilling to see how wrong I was.

     

    I am not sure I can articulate the mind I had and how I saw the world. How I saw a father instead of a pedophile, a mother instead of an accomplice, a church of high morals and values instead of a cult that covered up generation upon generation of sexual abuse, physical abuse, and blessed away the truths.

     

    Not only was I not in the 'right' church, I wasn't even in my right mind.  I had been completely brainwashed.

    Why I am writing about this is there are so many 'christian' folks who believe they are dead to right on so many issues that are anything but black and white. They believe that they can see the world and the people in it through the correct lens.

     

    But, their moral high ground – is not filled with morality integrity compassion or love.

    I would have sworn years ago that my mother was a woman of substance, that she would not have tolerated any evil doings.  For the love of God, she didn't allow television, earrings and make-up, swearing, lying and cheating – when we were growing up. She didn't believe in birth control or divorce or stepping out of her faith. The list of sins are long and she abided by them.  She was a christian. She was a member of the First Apostolic Lutheran Church. She belonged and was accepted and she viewed the outside world as worldly, evil and any number of negative adjectives.   And YET.  She was married to a pedophile. Knew it. Covered it up. Helped him. 

     

    There seems to be this really weird compartmentalizing that goes on. 

    Where they have their faith.

    The faith that is unshakable and blocks seeing any evil INSIDE of the religion. Inside of their homes. But the outside oh man the wrong doings they can see.  AND the judgement on those folks.  

    They literally cannot see how backwards they see and how it has dire consequences for the innocent children in their charge.  

     

    Many of the conservative christian women have given up the rights to their own bodies.

    In some little ways and then in life altering ways. They are controlled and don't know it.

     

    These closed minded folks believe THEY should be the ones deciding things.

    Based on what???

    Years and years of living in a small tight circle of likeminded folks – being controlled by the elders?

    Who have sat in judgement and condemned those who live differently.

    Folks who have not been able to see themselves from the outside looking in.

     

    I only knew how backwards I was, when my world flipped upside right.

    The world wasn't backwards, I WAS.

    I cannot emphasize this enough. I WAS WRONG.  

     

     

    What I know to be most true is the feelings I had towards myself and others while IN the church and the how my feelings change after leaving.

    The night and day difference is mind shattering. Literally. 

     

    While they may feel love, compassion, joy and peace IS in the conservative church and that forgiveness of sins IS the only way to heaven and being in the one right and true church, it is all fear.

    Fear of the outside.

    Fear of sins.

    Fear of the body and it's connection to the devil (we were told)

    Fear of hell

    Fear of not following, conforming, not being part of.

    The list of fears are endless.

     

    There are grown ass adults who won't leave – due to the shunning.  They are not staying in because of LOVE, they are in the church out of fear of finding out there is no love when you leave.

    If these religions were based on love.  

    Love is freedom.

    Period.  

    They would not want to be in charge of making choices for anyone. Period.

     

    Love doesn't have conditions.

    Love honors truths.

    Love doesn't control.

    Love allows others to be who they were born to be.

    Love lets each person walk their own walk – knowing we don't know what is in their hearts.

    Love doesn't take their power away. 

    Love empowers.

     

     

    The only church I have found that can embrace my wide open heart and mind is nature.

     

    When my world was falling a part. I no longer fit into my family of origin and the old church members began to shun me. I was fully accepted and embraced by the sunshine, the earth, the trees; nature.

    My nature matched it.

     

    My imperfections were perfect.

     

    What I want women to know is your choices is yours.

    Your journey is yours.

    Your heart knows what it knows.

     

    Empowered women, empower women.

     

    If this reversal shows anything, it will show the narrow cold hearts of so many christians.  It is through narrow eyes and fear full hearts they see the world.

     

    My question is, who is on the right side of this? Who has the most open mind and heart? Who walks with compassion and will hold up these women who find themselves in circumstances that few will know unless they walked there.

     

    I don't believe folks can make laws/rules etc until they have walked in those shoes.

     

    I know many conservative faithful women are standing in righteous contempt and believe to the depth of their souls they get it and are voting for a life.

     

    I am also quite sure there are leagues of women who have blessed away sins of sexual abuse of a child – and think they are child advocates. Really.  

    I know from my experiences, women of my old church who will stand against abortion; but cannot, will not, stand against the men who are hurting children. They can't stand for the children in the congregation – let alone an unknown, unborn child.

     

    I have spoken to many over the years who know someone in their family is committing sexual assault on children – but the only thing they get from our conversations, in the end – is that I am trying to get them to leave the church, to put down their faith and they won't.  

    I am not.

    I am trying to get them to see that a child's innocence may be worth more than their faith. They disagree. The conversations stop.

    They will not leave the church. 

     

    How can they stand for up for a child. AND, one that is outside of their church?

    Come on.  We are all soiled evil unbelievers -and I am worse I left. 

    I know this is off the subject. But, what I want to share is how backwards their minds, hearts and beliefs are.  AND, these are the ones who are saying they stand for a child.

    No they don't.

    They stand for their faith. Period.

    It only sounds christian like to stand for a child.

    But, if you won't stand for yours, how will you stand for one outside of your faith.

     

    I know this is a long and rambling post.

    But I have no faith in the women of faith.

    The women who put their faith before anything. Anything even their own child.

     

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  • The Loud Few

    When I read in the paper – " the silent majority are just dying to speak up" – I thought how confused they are.  The Silent Majority doesn't speak up.  They don't go in parades that would show their sides. They are silent.

    Here is the definition of the Silent Majority.

    "The silent majority is an unspecified large group of people in a country or group who do not express their opinions publicly."

     

    When you are in a Trump train of vehicles – you have stepped out of the silent majority and have chosen a side.  

     

    I am confused.

    By how so many self proclaimed conservative religious folk  (FALC and Old Apostolic )are supporting Trump.

    I cannot see how they can overlook so much about him.

    I feel that who he is, what he stands for is at odds with their principles.

    Yet, maybe their principles are now showing.

     

    Their religious values don't seem to meld with his character – or do they?

     

    When the book and the bird disagree – believe the bird or  

    Birds of a feather flock together.

     

    Something between the two seem to match – it may be deeper than just the outer words.

    The systems they both use?

    I truly am confused by how vehemently they have thrown their support for him.

     

    I also wondered if politics and religion have ever been so closely aligned or in bed together?

    I don't recall the actual political leaning of my old religion.  If it had one, I wasn't aware.

    Do religions pick candidates?

    Or do most churches remain silent.

     

    Again, the character of the man – and the character of the folks within these strict religions has to match.

    Or, what are you drawn to when you vote?

    Do you vote for a person's character?

    Is it possible not to have your character involved in being president?

    Or more, does character matter in your religions?

    In your partners, and friends?

    When does character matter?

    I have more questions and puzzlements with the strict religions in our area who are so loud about Trump.

    I just truly don't get it.

    And, then I do.

     

    I do understand the juxtaposition, the sleight of hands, the facade and the truth.  My experience of what I thought the church was and what it turned out to be, was completely the opposite.

    It was empty of the morals and values I believed were there.

     

    A part of me is still fighting for the church.

    For it to have deep rooted morals and values, to have humanity at its core.  

    And yet,  many of you are showing me, affirming my experience, that the character of the church matches Trump.

     

    To have him the presidential candidate –  of the strictest religions up here boggles my mind.

    He has become even bigger than the head of the church.

    Or so it looks to me, from the outside.

     

    It is weird to say the least.

    "When someone shows you who they are, Believe them the first time." Dr. Maya Angelou

    Harder than believing who Donald Trump is, IS believing who the strict religious people are who are aligned with him.  Who are these people really?

    Again, this is an old religion of mine.

    One that failed me and still I was wanting more from them.

    More value, more morals, more character… more wisdom and intellect and kindness. More humanity and wanting more for everyone – Equality and choices and women's rights etc…when I know, this isn't what their religion is about.

    Which is why they match.

    Donald Trump is the political representation that equals their religion.

    They are not the silent majority; but the loud few.

     

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    My free spirit parade – humanity all being equal in love peace and joy.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • One with One

    What has been so affirming, in the journey of reclaiming myself and my body from a religion, IS how much the body has been used as a tool against us.  And, how the mind turned into the enemy.  It is as if I was living with two very unfriendly aspects of me – posing as friends.

    The church's teachings about the body's sins, and how it was hell bent to bring us to hell, didn't allow me to connect to its wisdom.  Body disassociation – living from the neck up; and even that wasn't good enough.  Our thoughts and imaginations were also not good.

    There wasn't a part of ourselves we could seek for refuge.  It was to live separated from the very things that made us Us.  

    Years ago, when I found out that I owned my toenails, it was shocking.

    I was separate from the large organization that ruled me.

     

    There is a member of my old church who comes to the Art shows, and her first, and sometimes only words to me, are about my hair.  "Nice dye job" – or "Interesting color" etc.

    She only sees the sins of my hair dying.

    She misses seeing me underneath the sinful hair. Just a sinful body.

    A sinner.

    An outsider.

     

    What is hard for me to articulate is that when I was part of the religion, I was not a self, yet I didn't know it. I wasn't able to own/sense/feel or be attached to my body. 

    Even that sounds weird.

     

    But, I can know how I was back then, by being with someone who is still under the trance/beliefs of the cult.  There is no body or sense of self that is separate from the religion.

    They are the religion.

    But without a body and mind.

     

    Again, I am having trouble depicting the cult and person. For the person is the cult.

    And, yet they can see others as belonging (matching) or not.

     

    When you exit a cult like religion, and have autonomy of your body/mind and soul – but you are unaware of how to engage with free will. You leave the cult and gain yourself – a body and a fucked up mind.

    Literally.

    It is to wake up to a very skewed sense of self in a more than alright world.

    Whereas prior the world was messed up and we were right. 

    Right, being a woman who doesn't have control over her own body.

     

    I have tried to talk to many women who are still within the church about how they don't own their own bodies.  They cannot see where they are powerless.

    It is odd.

    They are under the influence of the church; but unaware.

    Totally.

    Their minds are completely minds of the church.

    This isn't only in my old church; the First Apostolic Lutheran Church, but other churches as well.

    Many of these organizations claim humanity, while infringing upon the rights of others, or stating what is wrong with them – being that they are the one right path.

    Church members using god and jesus to disconnect people from their own inner truths and bodies.

     

    Moving and living dead to the fact of their own body and mind, and its natural wisdom.

    How foreign it would be to them and terrifying to own their bodies. To strike out against the church and its sins?  To leave the church and rejoin and connect their body, mind and soul.

    Horrifying at nature's dance.

    Instead feeling the comfort and peace to live disassociated.

     

    The reason I am not interested in finding a new religion, and/or going back to my dysfunctional family IS that I cannot disassociate from Me.

    And, the unwritten or even written rules warrant that I leave me behind.

     

    There were moments, that I felt that in order to make a choice that would be kind or gentle to the family and religion, I would have had to die. 

    I would have had to give up the newly found self.

    She was real.

    I could not turn away from her.

     

    I do not believe that there would be very many adult people who would give up their minds, bodies and souls to enter into a religion.   Which is why most enter in as a child.

    They lose agency over their body and mind before they are even aware.

     

    It is quite shocking to see women disassociated from their body and minds.

    Ruled by an organization; unable to move separately. Think outside of its teachings.

    I used to think there was a woman behind there.

    But, I know from experience, there is not.

     

    When I woke up I felt like a newborn. A toddler in her life.

    Unable to make a decision for myself.

    A choice with its own voice.

     

    I had to walk into my life, sorting out what was Me and what was the church or dysfunctional family.

    Each piece of my world had to be reconnected in ways that honored Me.

    It is no wonder that the body's freedom and self expression seem awkward at best.

    A wondrous vehicle of emotion, feelings, intuition, imagination, expression, passion, that I live in to be Me.

    The body isn't Me.

    And, the church doesn't own it anymore.

    Nor is it a shameful part of the abuse.  

    It happened to it.  

    So, did religion.

     

    My body and mind are tools used by the soul.

    We live together experiencing what it is like to be a woman.

     

    Oh, the years of my youth that I spent miles from my body.

    The numbness.

     

    And, yet I am lucky.

    There are many who are born into the religions and who die there.

    Unaware they have a body and a mind – unable to make a choice and use their voice for self-expression.

    I feel I have lived two lives.

    One without a body, and one with one.

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  • Not to lose it.

    There is a thought, that when we leave the church, we then become "lost souls".  And I can understand how this image appears in their minds. 

    However, I am quite certain there are also found souls.  

    Souls who have found themselves by eliminating the middleman.  By stepping out in the world, beyond religion.

    It is scary, and very freeing, at the same time.

    The hardest part is that we are often seen as detached and perhaps 'unsaved' or, a foreigner in their land.

    We become the 'other'.  

    Whereas prior we were one of them.  Often categorized as "the right church" or the "True" religion, part of God's church and his saved children, etc.

    It is like you are going from the popular group, to the unpopular group; from the chosen to the unchosen.

    We have chosen now to be 'unsaved' or, willing to be in hell and not heaven.

     

    I truly do not feel lost at all.

    Or, unsaved.

    Or, that I am heading to hell when I die.

     

    It is weird to be out on your own in the world unaffiliated.

    To live life as a free agent.

    I am sure it is as strange to see us without a religion, as it is for some of us, to see them with one.  

    There are two different schools of thought, and we are no longer matching.

     

    Some, who have never tried living life without a religion, find it very hard and even unimaginable to be living without one.

     

    It was a foreign concept to me too.

    As I said, it is a very scary process to leave the religion of your childhood.  Or, to leave the path that feels secure and so inclusive by God and others. 

    To have none of the old reassurances about life and death.

    To dare and step off the path, into the land of the unknown.

    Into the same land that is preached against.

    We are walking among what many would now call "Unbelievers".

    Or, lost souls.

    And, to be sure, I did feel lost at the beginning. Until I realized that God didn't live in the church.  And, I wasn't only valuable with a the religion franchise.

    Perhaps it was when I discovered I didn't leave God behind, it became less scary.

     

    I can understand the sentiment, that I would be lost without religion. For it does appear to be the truth, when you feel so identified with the religion.  

    It was a huge identifier of who I was, until it wasn't.

    I would even say, in my case, it stole my identity.

    It was more me, than Me.

    My individual thoughts and desires were drowned out by the religion's preferences.

    I found me underneath the layers of beliefs.

    And, I also found, that my life didn't run amuck, when I no longer believed in the faith.

    I wasn't walking hand and hand with the devil.

    I didn't become evil, etc.

    I actually became more thoughtful and present. 

    I am eager to see how others see the world and even death.

    I am open to learning new ways of spirituality.

    I am less judgmental and more inquisitive about other ways of life.

    And, just plain curious to the human journey and how we are nurtured into different faiths and how they have impacts on how we live and see others.

    I am learning how often religion is given, or forced upon us as children and spirituality something we can discover on our own.  

    Spirituality isn't franchised either.

    Religion is often fear based. Fear of what will happen if you leave or when you die etc.

    Spirituality feels more about the present and true self.

    It is true I have lost the connection I felt within the church.

    I have lost the respect.

    I have lost the faith in their message.

    I have lost the trust in their actions.

    I have lost the belief in their way.

    But, I did not lose my soul when leaving there.

    I feel that I have found it.

    I did not realize the weight and burden of the religion until I set it down

    The sheer load of unworthiness or the identifier of 'sinner' dragged me down.

    Outside of this belief I found my self worth.

    In fact, oddly the sentiments of the religion about Self, mirrored or echoed the feelings of abuse.

    Perhaps because I discovered my abuse the same time I left the church, I could see the connection being equal.

    Regardless, I within myself, felt my soul's worth outside of the religion.

    The correlation between the dysfunctional family and how I needed to be and how I was viewed when I challenged its beliefs, equaled that of the religious community.

    The two most powerful sources that created my self worth, were both equally dysfunctional.

    So, when I hear that I am a lost soul or perceived as one, I would have to say, my soul was lost both in my family and religion.  

    However, once I stepped into my own power and began to see and challenge things, I found it.

    It stood with me as I walked into the dark.

    I was never alone upon leaving.

    Perhaps even, I had to leave both places because they were hurting my soul.

    I didn't lose my soul for leaving, but rather was led by my soul.

    We walked together into the unknown.

    Knowing that what we were leaving no longer, if ever, was healthy for my spirit.

    I left to save my soul, not to lose it.

     

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  • Be the Final Word

    When speaking out about abuse within the community of the First Apostolic Lutheran Church, I had intuitively knew it wasn't going to be welcome.  But over the past 13 years, it does continually surprise me, how quick they reach the state of unbelief, or how fast they are to minimize the volume of abuse in their presence. They want me to be the odd man out, the special exception; and certainly not the norm.

    Their need to isolate and condemn my family as being rare and abnormal among their whole healthy families is quite remarkable, when you look at how similarly we were raised and schooled in faith.

    I fit in, until I exposed the rotted underbelly of a strict religion.

    I also get being blind to abuse.

    It is hard for me to recollect my blindness, not seeing evil, and believing in the concept of the church and automatically giving credence that was unearned, due to being a member.

    I had heard yesterday, that religions are identities.

    Most identify themselves by their faiths.

    I am a christian, I am a muslim, I am a catholic etc.

    So, when I am telling them, that there is abuse among the members, it is as if I am accusing them. Personally.

    Having religion be your main identifier now seems odd to me.

    However, coming from the First Apostolic Lutheran Church, there was no Me. I was comprised of what is right and what is wrong in the church.  I was me as the church.

    I was better when I followed its teachings and Less when I didn't.

    I didn't own my hair, my reproductive organs, or my finger nails.

    I was directed in how I would navigate the world.

    So, when you take a person who is moved by the church, and I then attack what moves them, they will most certainly feel it personally.

    There is very little of their worlds that is not directed by the church. 

    Their whole being has been molded by the church.

    I again, know this by what was left to me, when I no longer believed in the religion I was constructed by.

    Very little of my life was untouched by the church.

    So, when I am stating that there is a staggering amount of abuse within, they are not wanting to know. They literally won't survive if the church falls.

    The goodness of the church is a must.  

    They have built a life upon it and are going to die in peace because of it.

    By reducing my family to a cancerous cell, they save themselves by saving the church.

    These staunch defenders, and unbelievers that abuse lives among them, will be the death of the spirit of the church.  Its insidious incest are rotting the core as they again sing praises towards heaven.

    There is nothing I can say or do that will open their eyes.  It will sadly, have to be personal. 

    What victims who were raised in this church know to be true, is that this unshakeable faith in the rightness of the church and its cleanliness is that our words about abuse will be doubted.

    This doubting, will be what drives us away.

    For that doubt about us, IS a confirmation that our abusers are not abusers.

    It costs them nothing to condemn my father.  It cost them everything IF this is pervasive as I believe it is.

    What is so unique about incest and religious abuse, is that it happens; but just not in My Family.

    They can see the sin of other; but not the sin that is in their own life, if you will.

    Perhaps their wanting to see what isn't there, is easier to see, than what is.

    When you are raised in abuse, how can you know abuse?

    It is the norm and not rare and abnormal.

    What was normal for me, was to not be connected to my body.  I lived, as someone said, about six feet behind it. 

    My normal was to not have a voice or a choice.

    My normal was to give control over to other.

    My normal was to disown my body.

    My normal was to not love me, enough for boundaries.

    My normal was to not say no.

    My normal was to put others first; always.

    My normal was that I was not present in my life. I, by myself had no discerning thoughts.

    I have finally become the rare and abnormal person in the church.

    I am now completely one with my body and emotions, and have the freedom to move and I am no longer under the churches control. I am not a cancerous cell; but a healthy one.

    Albeit scarred from 46 years I lived as a member of the First Apostolic Lutheran Church.

    The church did with my body, mind and soul as it needed to for its agenda. 

    I made the church by giving up my free will.

    I understand more than the Unbelievers and Defenders ever realize.

    I know that in order to hear me, their whole self will begin to shake and crumble. For, they were raised like me – a composition of what a christian aught to be.

    Do you know that I literally shook and had uncontrollable shakes when I first heard and knew that my father was a pedophile.  My whole world was falling apart. My family fell first and then my religion.

    The voice that will unravel your world most likely will not be me; but someone within your family.  A voice of truth; that will set you free.

    I used to see the church and family as a persona, separated from the individuals that made it.  It had value unearned. Now family is what each member brings to it. We are only as strong as our weakest member.

    You can place your value of the church on what you believe is not there; but what is there will be the final word.

    "When the bird and book disagree, always believe the bird." James Audubon

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  • Podcasts by Rob Bell

    Rob Bell and I would not seem to be a natural connection. For his passion or what he loves is often laced with bible verses.  Yet my truth and his deeper level of knowing life match.

     His series on Lamenting is brilliant!  There are 5 parts and they build on each other. I highly recommend listening, IF you are in pain and grief or feel unheard etc. He was a huge affirmation.

     

    In fact, the word Lament means "a passionate expression of grief or sorrow and mourning."

    Perhaps, I am the living example of what he speaks of. 

    He is able to take the past and make it revenant today…if that makes sense.

    And, when I left the church, I didn't leave behind the soul of who I am or the truth of what the Universe Is.  

    I heard on one of his podcasts "Look at your God and you can see who you are."

    I love this. 

    I also heard about one God, one Universe, one Reality, one Truth. Some call it God, I call it Truth.  It is all the same. This is my tone.

    There are not two different realities going on at one time. 

    My lamenting is my expressing my sorrow and grief of all the ramifications of daring to speak your truths against the unspoken rule of what we are allowed to talk about.

    All, I know, is that there are more and more folks who are rising to living a life more authentic and use truth to healing…as a power.

    I feel I am in good company.

    Even for those who have been severely put off by the FALC and its cult like traditions, Rob Bell may be a way to come back to center. 

    In fact, he interviews a woman Rabbi and She is the way forward in all religions. 

    Again, while religion has been a taboo subject for me I found her completely authentic and someone relatable. 

     

    Her tone is delightful – and completely accepting!

    I love that there are some brave souls who have the ability to impact the worlds religions and are daring to push back the old ways that no longer work and are willing to create new energies that will change the world!

    Bringing truth to religion – what a concept! 

    I believe, we intuitively know what connects with the truth. And, we also know when we are moving towards it or away. We can tell by how our life reflects inner peace, love and joy AND freedom!

    God's name of God in the old church had me recoil from it's name. My preferred name is Universe for it doesn't come with the trappings of the old energies of the FALC. 

    In fact, religion as a rule has bad vibes for me.  

    Understanding the Universe has to be where you can apply it to Monday morning.

    If not, it is a dead religion.

    Even if you are not a regular participant in any church, or maybe especially if you are not, you might enjoy these podcasts.  

     

  • Toxic Doses of Religion

    A young friend sent me the following link…

    http://www.salon.com/2014/11/01/the_sad_twisted_truth_about_conservative_christianitys_effect_on_the_mind_partner/

     

    A great article on the effects of strict religions. 

    What struck me was this…

    "A symptom like one of these clearly has a religious component, yet many people instinctively blame the victim. They will say that the wounded former believer was prone to anxiety or depression or obsession in the first place—that his Christianity somehow got corrupted by his predisposition to psychological problems. Or they will say that he wasn’t a real Christian. If only he had prayed in faith believing or loved God with all his heart, soul and mind, if only he had really been saved—then he would have experienced the peace that passes all understanding."

    "But the reality is far more complex. It is true that symptoms like depression or panic attacks most often strike those of us who are vulnerable, perhaps because of genetics or perhaps because situational stressors have worn us down. But certain aspects of Christian beliefs and Christian living also can create those stressors, even setting up multigenerational patterns of abuse, trauma, and self-abuse. Also, over time some religious beliefs can create habitual thought patterns that actually alter brain function, making it difficult for people to heal or grow."

    "The purveyors of religion insist that their product is so powerful it can transform a life, but somehow, magically, it has no risks. In reality, when a medicine is powerful, it usually has the potential to be toxic, especially in the wrong combination or at the wrong dose. And religion is powerful medicine!"

    Here is what I have known, but just couldn't articulate; the toxic dose of religion and its consequences.

    My other concern was the child's brain….and how we are born in captivity; that we don't get to mindfully choose a religion – we are saturated in it.  And the ultimate cost this has on the individual and their sense of self.  

    What is so frustrating, is that when you are talking to those who haven't left the church, is that due to their upbringing, you are speaking to someone who has been traumatized…whose view of the world is skewed; coming from whence they came.

     

     

    "In this discussion, we focus on the variants of Christianity that are based on a literal interpretation of the Bible. These include Evangelical and fundamentalist churches, the Church of Latter Day Saints, and other conservative sects. These groups share the characteristics of requiring conformity for membership, a view that humans need salvation, and a focus on the spiritual world as superior to the natural world. These views are in contrast to liberal, progressive Christian churches with a humanistic viewpoint, a focus on the present, and social justice."

     

    Religion Exploits Normal Human Mental Processes.

     

    "To understand the power of religion, it is helpful to understand a bit about the structure of the human mind. Much of our mental activity has little to do with rationality and is utterly inaccessible to the conscious mind. The preferences, intentions and decisions that shape our lives are in turn shaped by memories and associations that can get laid down before we even develop the capacity for rational analysis."

     

    "Aspects of cognition like these determine how we go through life, what causes us distress, which goals we pursue and which we abandon, how we respond to failure, how we respond when other people hurt us—and how we respond when we hurt them. Religion derives its power in large part because it shapes these unconscious processes: the frames, metaphors, intuitions and emotions that operate before we even have a chance at conscious thought."

     

    Some Religious Beliefs and Practices are More Harmful Than Others.

     

    "When it comes to psychological damage, certain religious beliefs and practices are reliably more toxic than others."

     

    "Janet Heimlich is an investigative journalist who has explored religious child maltreatment, which describes abuse and neglect in the service of religious belief. In her book, Breaking their Will,Heimlich identifies three characteristics of religious groups that are particularly prone to harming children. Clinical work with reclaimers, that is, people who are reclaiming their lives and in recovery from toxic religion, suggests that these same qualities put adults at risk, along with a particular set of manipulations found in fundamentalist Christian churches and biblical literalism."

     

    1) Authoritarianism,creates a rigid power hierarchy and demands unquestioning obedience. In major theistic religions, this hierarchy has a god or gods at the top, represented by powerful church leaders who have power over male believers, who in turn have power over females and children. Authoritarian Christian sects often teach that “male headship” is God’s will. Parents may go so far as beating or starving their children on the authority of godly leaders. A book titled, To Train Up a Child,by minister Michael Pearl and his wife Debi, has been found in the homes of three Christian adoptive families who have punished their children to death.

     

    2) Isolation or separatism,is promoted as a means of maintaining spiritual purity. Evangelical Christians warn against being “unequally yoked” with nonbelievers in marriages and even friendships. New converts often are encouraged to pull away from extended family members and old friends, except when there may be opportunities to convert them. Some churches encourage older members to take in young single adults and house them within a godly context until they find spiritually compatible partners, a process known by cult analysts as “shepherding.” Home schoolers and the Christian equivalent of madrassas cut off children from outside sources of information, often teaching rote learning and unquestioning obedience rather than broad curiosity.

     

    3) Fear of sin, hell, a looming “end-times” apocalypse, or amoral heathens binds people to the group, which then provides the only safe escape from the horrifying dangers on the outside. In Evangelical Hell Houses, Halloween is used as an occasion to terrify children and teens about the tortures that await the damned. In the Left Behind book series and movie, the world degenerates into a bloodbath without the stabilizing presence of believers. Since the religious group is the only alternative to these horrors, anything that threatens the group itself—like criticism, taxation, scientific findings, or civil rights regulations—also becomes a target of fear."

    What many will not even be able to bring in, IS the effects of being raised in the FALC or similar religions.  It definitely comes with a price tag on the human psyche. And you know nothing different.  It is the air you have been breathing since a very small child.   

    Here is more:

     

    Children are Targeted for Indoctrination Because the Child Mind is Uniquely Vulnerable.

     

    Here I am, a fifty-one year old college professor, still smarting from the wounds inflicted by the righteous when I was a child. It is a slow, festering wound, one that smarts every day—in some way or another…. I thought I would leave all of that “God loves… God hates…” stuff behind, but not so. Such deep and confusing fear is not easily forgotten. It pops up in my perfectionism, my melancholy mood, the years of being obsessed with finding the assurance of personal salvation.”

     

    "Nowhere is the contrast of viewpoints more stark than in the secular and religious understandings of childhood. In the biblical view, a child is not a being that is born with amazing capabilities that will emerge with the right conditions like a beautiful flower in a well-attended garden. Rather, a child is born in sin, weak, ignorant, and rebellious, needing discipline to learn obedience. Independent thinking is dangerous pride."

     

    "Because the child’s mind is uniquely susceptible to religious ideas, religious indoctrination particularly targets vulnerable young children. Cognitive development before age seven lacks abstract reasoning. Thinking is magical and primitive, black and white. Also, young humans are wired to obey authority because they are dependent on their caregivers just for survival. Much of their brain growth and development has to happen after birth, which means that children are extremely vulnerable to environmental influences in the first few years when neuronal pathways are formed."

    "By age five a child’s brain can understand primitive cause-and-effect logic and picture situations that are not present. Children at this have a tenuous grip on reality. They often have imaginary friends; dreams are quite real; and fantasy blurs with the mundane. To a child this age, it is eminently possible that Santa Claus lives at the North Pole and delivers presents if you are good and that 2000 years ago a man died a horrible death because you are naughty. Adam and Eve, Noah’s ark, the Rapture, and hell, all can be quite real. The problem is that many of these teachings are terrifying."

    "For many years, one conversion technique targeting children and adolescents has been the use of movies about the “End Times.” This means a “Rapture” event, when real Christians are taken up to heaven leaving the earth to “Tribulation,” a terrifying time when an evil Antichrist will reign and the world will descend into anarchy."

    "When assaulted with such images and ideas at a young age, a child has no chance of emotional self-defense. Christian teachings that sound truewhen they are embedded in the child’s mind at this tender age can feel true for a lifetime. Even decades later former believers who intellectually reject these ideas can feel intense fear or shame when their unconscious mind is triggered."

    Harms Range From Mild to Catastrophic.

    "One requirement for success as a sincere Christian is to find a way to believe that which would be unbelievable under normal rules of evidence and inquiry. Christianity contains concepts that help to safeguard belief, such as limiting outside information, practicing thought control, and self-denigration; but for some people the emotional numbing and intellectual suicide just isn’t enough. In other words, for a significant number of children in Christian families, the religion just doesn’t “take.” This can trigger guilt, conflict, and ultimately rejection or abandonment."

    "Others experience the threats and fear too keenly. For them, childhood can be torturous, and they may carry injuries into adulthood."

    "Still others are able to sincerely devote themselves to the faith as children but confront problems when they mature. They wrestle with factual and moral contradictions in the Bible and the church, or discover surprising alternatives. This can feel confusing and terrifying – like the whole world is falling apart."

    Delayed Development and Life Skills.Many Christian parents seek to insulate their children from “worldly” influences. In the extreme, this can mean not only home schooling, but cutting off media, not allowing non-Christian friends, avoiding secular activities like plays or clubs, and spending time at church instead. Children miss out on crucial information– science, culture, history, reproductive health and more. When they grow older and leave such a sheltered environment, adjusting to the secular world can be like immigrating to a new culture. One of the biggest areas of challenge is delayed social development."

     

     

    It affirms what I have experienced and witnessed in so many who have left the church or as you speak to those still inside….

    There is a new term for it;

    "Religious Trauma Syndrome (RTS) is a new term, coined by Marlene Winell to name a recognizable set of symptoms experienced as a result of prolonged exposure to a toxic religious environment and/or the trauma of leaving the religion. It is akin to Complex PTSD, which is defined as ‘a psychological injury that results from protracted exposure to prolonged social and/or interpersonal trauma with lack or loss of control, disempowerment, and in the context of either captivity or entrapment, i.e. the lack of a viable escape route for the victim’."

    "Though related to other kinds of chronic trauma, religious trauma is uniquely mind-twisting. The logic of the religion is circular and blames the victim for problems; the system demands deference to spiritual authorities no matter what they do; and the larger society may not identify a problem or intervene as in cases of physical or sexual abuse, even though the same symptoms of depression and anxiety and panic attacks can occur."

    This what a toxic dose of religion can do to a body, mind and soul.  

    "Religious trauma is difficult to see because it is camouflaged by the respectability of religion in culture. To date, parents are afforded the right to teach their own children whatever doctrines they like, no matter how heinous, degrading, or mentally unhealthy. Even helping professionals largely perceive Christianity as benign. This will need to change for treatment methods to be developed and people to get help that allows them to truly reclaim their lives."

     

    One of the most exasperating ideals is to see the toxicity of religion…when it is so protected and placed away from normal scrutiny.  It gets left to do as it will; under the auspices of faith.

    Who wants to question a church/religion and place themselves between God and servant?  To challenge their minds and what they believe and the cost of their ticket to heaven?   To show them that their religion not only has negative affects psychologically, it also has created the perfect victim for abuse, because of it.

    The circuitous flow is hard to disrupt…

    This is the why I have turned away from religion; I overdosed on it.

    The toxicity of the FALC is beyond what my mind can sometimes hold.

    I appreciate this article for helping to clarify what I know to be true….in my experience.  

    Thanks to my young friend, who like me….has left the church.  And, is trying to find balance and restore wholeness after being subjected to toxic doses of religion.

     

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  • 100% Me!

    I went for coffee with two self proclaimed Christians, who we jokingly said they were 90 proof….or 90% christian in their content of who they are. I replied I was zero proof, that I no longer define myself by any religion.

    It was surreal for me to sit there feeling completely empty and yet completely full.

    And to find that my content label was missing the old ingredients…being replaced by new ones. 

    My old content label consisted mostly of unworthiness and sinfulness, sprinkled with a bit of hope of making it to a heaven one day IF I could keep myself from sinning which was unattainable for any extended period.

    The old label actually consisted of the beliefs of my old church…filling me up to the brim (90 proof) of its image of a wretched and poor humanity and a body full of sin… leaving 10% as being worthy is a stretch.  I am thinking I was 99% sinful.

    Under the old label there was no content that I would have consider Me.

    In fact, early on, say 10 years ago, when I discovered the denial I had lived in, I felt lost, and that I was going to go find myself, but I didn't know who I was OR even that I had been missing.  My whole content had been given to me via religion and how my parents treated me.  I was reading my label with their eyes.

    My content of Me, lacked Me.

    Now, sitting there at the table, I felt completely at ease with Me.

    My content I knew.

    My content I loved.

    My content was perfect.

    I was completely complete and I have no content that suggests any religion.

    What seems so insane is how religion teaches us about our selves, our bodies and how it sees them…as NOT perfect.

    That it is impossible to be perfect.

    And, when I suggested that "imperfect" actually says, I M Perfect, so there is no imperfection….it wasn't believed.

    How easy it seems it is to believe in our wretchedness and sinfulness and how impossible it is to believe the opposite.

    That we are completely perfect.

    What would happen to the world's religions if humanity at large knew that they were completely perfect?

    Is it not a war against reality to think that things ought to be different than they are.

    Like how can my body be sinful?

    It loves what it loves and feels pushed back from what it doesn't.

    And, in my experience, it had reasons to not want to be close to my parents.

    My body has held my truth…for the body never lies.

    Perhaps if you need me to forgive and forget, and the body refuses, I could see how you would 'not' trust the body; for you can't get it to adhere to the ways of the mind. It literally has a mind of its own….gut feelings.

    Mostly or lastly…I feel that most religions keep us away from the body and its innate intelligence…and even tries to keeps us our essence and away from the freedom of being unique and an individual; a complete and perfect gift from God.

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    I am 100% me 100% of the time.  Failing to do so reduces my own self worth.

    There is absolutely nothing I would change about me, nothing I could add or take away.  There is nothing I seek to be fulfilled.  Inside of me is the wide open space of the Universe.

    It was funny to hear someone tell me I was full of sin.  

    I couldn't find it to be true.

    If, I had felt guilty or had low self esteem…we would have agreed.

    We didn't.

    My experience of me and her understanding of humanity didn't match.

    We didn't see me the same.

    What was beautiful is we both left with our own contents; completely happy with our labels!

    I love mine…

    Mine reads…100% Me!

     

     

     

  • A Mass Exodus Out

    I picked up the book, "The Body Never Lies" by Alice Miller, again…and found a few places that I had highlighted.  I am sure I wrote about these before, but somehow it seems applicable again…as I was thinking about the being hopeful that the adult children of abuse, will find a voice, begin speaking up, telling the truth about their parents, their childhood, and themselves.

    In here she writes,

    "A person once said, "It's true.  Why do I think it would kill my parents if I showed them what I really felt for them? I have a right to feel what I feel. It's not a question of retaliation, but of honesty.  Why is honesty upheld as an abstract concept in religious instruction at school but prohibited in the relationship with our parents?"

    "Indeed, how wonderful it would be if we could talk honestly to our parents. What they ultimately make of the things we say to them is something we have no influence on.  But it would be an opportunity for us, for our children, and not least for our body, which has after all shown us the way to the truth."

    "The ability of the body is a source of never-ending wonder to me.  It fights against lies with a tenacity and a shrewdness that are properly astounding.  Moral and religious claims cannot deceive or confuse it.  A little child is force-fed morality.  He accepts nourishment willingly because he loves his parents, and suffers countless illnesses in his school years.  As an adult he makes use of his superb intellect to fight against conventional morality, possibly becoming a philosopher or a writer in the process.  But his true feelings about his family , which were masked by illness during his school days, have a stunning effect on him, as was the case with Nietzsche and Schiller.  Finally he becomes a victim of his parents, sacrificing himself to their ideas of morality and religion, even though as an adult he saw so clearly through the lies of "society".  Seeing through his own self-deception, realizing that he had let himself the sacrifice of morality, was more difficult for him than penning philosophical tracts or writing courageous dramas. But it is only the internal process taking place in the individual, not the thoughts divorced from our own bodies, that can bring about a productive change in our mentality."

    "Those lucky enough to experience love and understanding in childhood will have no problems with the truth. They have been able to develop their abilities to the full, and the children will profit from that.  I have no idea how large the percentage of such people actually do.  I do know that beatings are still recommended as a method of parenting; that the United States, that self-styled model of democracy, still allows corporal punishment in schools in twenty-two states; and that, if anything, these states are becoming more vocal in their defense of this "right" to which all parents are entitled.  It is absurd to believe that we can teach democracy with the help of physical force."  

    "My conclusion from this is that there are probably a lot of people living in the world right now who have been through this kind of upbringing All of them had their resistance to cruelty clubbed down at a very early stage; all of them have grown up in a state of what I can only call "inner insincerity."  We can observe this wherever we look.  If someone says, "I don't love my parents because they constantly humiliated me," she will immediately hear the same advice from all sides:  She must change her attitude if she wants to become truly adult, she must not live with hatred bottled up inside herself if she wants to stay healthy; she can free herself of that hatred only if she forgives her parents; there is no such thing as ideal parents – all parents sometimes make mistakes, and this is something we have to put up with, and we can learn to do so once we are truly adult."

    "The reason this advice sounds so sensible is that we have heard it all our lives and have believed it to be sound.  But it is not.  It rests on fallacious assumptions.  It is not true that forgiving will free us from hatred.  It merely helps cover it up and hence reinforce it (in our unconscious minds).  It is not true that tolerance grows with age.  On the contrary. Children will tolerate their parent's absurdities because they think them normal and have no way of defending themselves against them.  Not until adult hood do we actively suffer from this lack of freedom and these constraints.  But we feel this suffering in our relations with others, with our partners and our children.  Infant fear of our parents stops us from recognizing the truth. It is not true that hatred makes us ill. Repressed, disassociated emotions can make us ill but not conscious feelings that we give expression to.  As adults , we will hate only if we remain trapped in a situation in which we cannot give free expression to our feelings.  It is this dependency that makes us start to hate.  As soon as we break with that dependency (which as adults we can normally do, unless we are held prisoner in some totalitarian regime), as soon as we free ourselves from that slavery, then we will no longer hate.  However, if hatred is there it is no good forbidding it, as all the religions do. We have to understand the reasons for it if we are to opt for the kind of behavior that will free people from the dependency that breeds hatred."

    "Of course, people who have been severed from their true feelings since early childhood will be dependent upon institutions like the church and will let themselves be told what they are allowed to feel.  In most cases it is very little indeed.  But I cannot imagine that it will always be like this.  Somewhere, sometime, there will be a rebellion, and the process of mutual stultification will be halted.  It will be halted when individuals summon up the courage to overcome their understandable fears, to tell, feel and publish the truth and communicate with others on this basis."  

    "Once we realize the immense amount of energy children can summon up in order to survive cruelty and extreme sadism, things suddenly start looking more optimistic. Then it is easy to imagine that our world could be a much better one if those children (like Rimbaud, Schiller, Dostoevsky, and Nietzsche) could expend their almost limitless energies on other, more productive ends that merely fighting for their own survival."  Alice Miller

    When I looked back upon why I was able to tell the truth and to walk with it, it was because of the fact I had withstood years of being repressed and created this strength to stand opposed.  But, this time I was opposing those who stood opposite of my feelings, instead of surviving living with people who didn't allow my feelings a voice.

    I wondered, how the adult children, or children who have been abused in the FALC, would ever find a way out to speak their truth.  It then came to me. I did.  The very morals that were preached to me, to be truthful, to be honest, I used.  I used them this time against the very factions that taught them to me; my parents and the church.

    I am very hopeful, that running in the bodies of many suffering adults who have been unable to see the truth, due to being unable to see their parents clearly will.

    And once they can, they will use the same energy it took to withstand abuse to walk away and oppose it.

    I love this phrase, "Those lucky enough to experience love and understanding in childhood will have no problems with the truth."  I am a walking billboard of this.  I was not able to see the truth.   The simple fact, that I had lived for 46 years with a pedophile for a father and not see it, shows that I did not experience love and understanding as a child.

    Just this fact alone, sent me into the land of denial.  Unable to see the truth.

    Imagine, in order for you to be with the truth, you have to be loved and understood as a child.

    What I believe, is that this alone is the sole reason for this abject failure to see the truth, and to beunable to be a witness to the volumes of abuse within the church; all of the people have not experienced being loved and understood as a child.

    Detective Tom Rosemurgy asked me, "What could we have done to make you see the truth, prior to your father being exposed?" And I had no answer.  I still don't but, I do have the reasons why I couldn't.  

    What I realize is that it isn't the message, but rather the person who is hearing it.

    And I believe, that each of us will carry this burden of the untold story, until our lives and our bodies become unmanageable….and then the truth will be born unto us.

    It wasn't that I was better than my siblings, I was more tired.

    The energy it took to repress my unexpressed truths was too great.  I couldn't hold it back anymore.  I shook and rattled, and it exploded forth.  Forty-Six years worth of emotions broke free.

    I have eternal hope, that one day, child by child, similar experiences will happen.  I also believe that there will be a mass exposure within the FALC, and that many children will become aware at once…for the numbers of abuse have increased exponentially since me.

    And what I love, is that the church itself has bred, individuals who have the unconscious feeling of having to do what is right, not what is comfortable…and has grown them to be used to 'different' and to not fear being ostracized.  All beautiful traits needed to set out on the journey away from abuse.

    I had all the tools within me, having lived the life I lived.  I was strong and I wasn't afraid to follow….but this time I followed me.  My feelings and my truth.

    I have great hope and belief, that once the flood gates open, there will be a mass exodus out.