I M Perfect lady

Category: Uncategorized

  • Silence is upon them.

    I watched this episode about sexual abuse among the amish. “Keep Quiet and Forgive” on PBS.

    https://player.pbs.org/viralplayer/3105356631/

    And there is a book “Behind the Blue Curtain” – by Lizzy Hershberger – which I plan on reading soon.

    “How Great Thou Art” was being sung….leading into stories of young girls and women breaking the silence of their sexual abuse – the beauty and the horror – is the how I feel about religion. The juxtaposition leaves religion with a very sour taste.

    This is just another cult like sect that uses the fundamentals of their religion to keep victims silent – while protecting the males who are criminals.

    When the leaders speak of forgiving the perpetrators – it is a sex trafficking environment where little girls are unprotected.

    I don’t care how many times you sing “How Great Thou Art and how you see Him – etc. If your religion blesses away sexual crimes against children It is NoT a God connection. Period.

    Folks are quick to tell me I am against religion. I am trying to wreck the First Apostolic Lutheran Church, that the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church- and any other religion who allows the perpetrators to sit in their benches. I am against these ones for sure and I don’t believe they would be sanctioned by God or love or kindness.

    The tragedy is the criminal sexual assault on young girls IS that it happens in the midst of ‘god fearing folks’.

    The hymn plays on – in its beauty and behind the scenes little girls are forever changed by the acts of sexual deviant behaviors.

    It is insulting to even call these religions of God. They are more of the devil.

    I feel so deeply about the exposure of these crimes in religions and I would love to see them all implode –

    The women are leading the charge and some men have joined in to see what can be done.

    Some were saying there needs to be a preventive measure put into place – instead of dealing with it after the fact. Now isn’t that a great idea! I am sure the little girls and boys would love to be in a spot where abuse was forbidden.

    This gives me great hope – of more and more silences breaking. That even in the ultra conservative churches, the women are standing up!

    An alternative to silence is upon them.

    I hope there is a movement of women failing their religions and the rules that were forced upon them.

  • That is Me.

    I listened to a podcast, about exploring the rising trend about going No Contact with your Family.

    I have been No Contact with my family now for over 20 years, which seems almost surreal. A brother was the last contact I lost – about 10 years ago.

    It was good to hear others experiences. And, it affirmed a few things.

    One being how the old way – of respecting your parents – for their role – rather for how the relationship was between you – is over.

    The new way is now about the relationship. How do two people engage with each other. We no longer put the role before the way the relationship feels inside.

    This makes so much more sense – and I feel that both sides would gain so much – if the relationship was healthy.

    We are no longer expected to stay in toxic relationships no matter who they are with. There is a huge amount of freedom knowing you can do the No Contact route.

    Another part was when a hospice nurse spoke about parents who were dying and how they wanted the estranged child to call. The feelings the hospice nurse had was that it was about control – that the parent believed since they were dying the child would acquiesce.

    The nurse felt it was a selfish act.

    This was how I felt and it is good to be affirmed with that choice. She even said that even though the child didn’t want to speak to the dying parent, most wanted to be called upon the death.

    The nurse saying something about how terrible it would be to find out on Facebook. Which is exactly how I did.

    The podcast also showed how there are many reasons for children to have no contact with their parents and siblings. As well as parents who put up boundaries against children.

    Mostly, it is about how we feel inside when we are with our families. How they see us, hear us and understand. Just as in any relationship we have, it is best when they are healthy. When we can be ourself and be loved unconditionally.

    I think this trend of No Contact, will make better parents – ones who are less about the role they play and more about the content of their relationships. It will help them see their child as unique individuals.

    One young girl said how much better her insides feel now that she has no contact – she feels so free and happy in her life.

    That is me.

    You can listen to Oprah’s podcast to hear more.

  • Feel Kind

    “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” 

    In the world today there is much evil that is being shared and reported on. More than what our humanity’s psyche can hold.

    It leaves us feeling impotent and that evil is winning.

    What I believe is that there is a balance of good and evil – and if it isn’t your time to suffer; perhaps it is your time to put good energies out in the world.

    The monks who are peacefully walking are sending out waves of goodness.

    We can send out goodness by what we do each day, how we live and love.

    When the world feels like it is sinking with so much evil – We want to do something to that evil.

    In my experiences so far – is that you can’t change evil – evil does what evil does.

    “A MIND CONVINCED AGAINST ITS WILL, IS OF THE SAME OPINION STILL.”

    A person who is okay doing and standing by evil – is under the control of a mind that I feel is insane.

    I am not sure we can engage with evil and win.

    I believe we can be more like the peaceful monks and bring more awareness of that to the world.

    Feel how your body feels as you try and engage with folks who seem blind to humanity – and then feel your body how it feels to be doing what you love.

    I was empowered by setting up boundaries against family who chose to support evil by doing nothing.

    In our smaller circles is where change will happen. In our lives, in our communities and how we engage and interact with others. How we tolerate or don’t – those who do evil – even on small levels.

    How we live in our relationships – what we do and say and act will send vibrations out into the world.

    Let your vibrations be those of love, peace and joy. Let’s flood the world with kindness.

    I steer clear of those who carry out evil acts and those whose minds are unclear.

    Each of us have something we can do each day to make our planet feel kind.

  • Where Love Lives.

    A lifetime ago, I used to go Caroling with my siblings. One year I made us all scarves to wear. The simple joys of the holidays. Being a creative person, each Christmas I would try and make them all something. Pouring my heart through my hands.

    My brother sent a text yesterday. “Happy birthday! Life is short, enjoy each day. ”  Just enough to bring them and the drama to the front. 

    No matter the words I use, they can’t comprehend my journey.  

    I started to respond, but what could I say? What words would make him and them – understand the magnitude of love, peace and joy there is away from them.

    I believe they see me as suffering in the past hurts, holding on to grudges and non-forgiveness. Forsaking this moment with a mind and heart full of anger.

    Why else remind me of the shortness of life and to enjoy it.

    No matter the words I would type or the sentiment I tried to present, he wouldn’t understand how my heart and soul are filled with light. That stepping away from cycles of abuse the brainwashed cult-like religion – set my soul free and my heart to love.

    I miss family – but not the toxic one. That family comes with generational behaviors and patterns that are near impossible to have real relationships with.

    When I look back at our blind innocence and the unconsciousness of our denial – how we dressed up the holidays to be more – to hide the truth that lay beneath.

    What an impossible task to try and make our family whole. No scarves or ornaments – made with love by me – could put a dent into righting the mess.

    Those simple fun memories are now tainted, knowing what we didn’t acknowledge.

    If only they were just joys of caroling, with fun scarves, sharing our Christmas baking. If only there wasn’t ugly truths right beneath the surface.

    A friend sent a photo of her and her 4 sisters caroling – and their mom.  It fills my heart and breaks it. Of the joy of family and the loss of mine.  A wound that will follow me always.  They are there – sometimes loud – most often a faint hum in the background of my wonderful life.

    I know there are many of us out here, who are living, loving and finding peace and joy – away from our families of origin. It is more than okay to feel the ache of loneliness and feeling sorrow when you see family being loving family. And, the holidays can be especially hard to walk in tandem with grief and joy.

    What I know to be true is that the grief just pops up here and there in the sea of goodness I live in.

    My heart can hold joy and sorrow. If Christmas wishes were granted, I would want my siblings to join me here – on the outskirts of toxic family patterns.

    Until then – I hold space where love lives.

  • My Wonderful Life.

    I turn 67 today and it seems I have lived at least two whole lifetimes. I love who I am. I love who I love and who loves me.

    I landed in a good place after following my inner voice. When you step away from generations of patterns, you can’t really know your destination – all you really know is “I won’t repeat this pattern.”

    The new pattern evolved with each choice I made and each No I was brave enough to utter.

    It still amazes me how I was able to walk away from all I had known and believed into the unknown.

    What I do know is that at 67 I am very grateful to be living this lifetime. It has been incredibly insightful to know a life of dysfunction and to witness the process of leaving and then the life afterwards.

    Some may see 67 as being old – yet my spirit is so young and alive. She breathes deeply and is anchored in the present moment.

    I celebrate my journey and being me. I love how far I came, my courage and boldness as well as my childlike awe of magical everyday moments.

    We can’t know how long our lifetime spans – and this second life feels like a bonus life. I feel like I died to who I used to be – and was born into a new life that honors me, my truth and spirit.

    December 4 was the beginning of the passing of the old me. So I may have two birth days.

    What I celebrate today is life, love and peace and joy. These are with me always.

    Happy happy day to me – this is another day in my wonderful life.

  • Where the Heart Lives

    Tonight I am sitting with gratitude and a thankful heart to the home we have been lucky enough to live in for the past 30 years.

    This home welcomed us with our 4 children and a dog.

    We loved, lived and grew old here. We have survived some tough patches – but the majority of my memories here are good ones.

    During the tough patches it was a refuge sitting along the river with wide open fields and plenty of nature to soothe my soul.

    This place holds many memories for our children and grandchildren. Campfires, camping, fishing, and skiing, snowshoeing and kayaking. Endless wonderful things to do, right out the front door.

    How lucky were we to raise our children here.

    Our youngest was one when we moved here – and now he is returning here with his wife – becoming the third generation to call this home.

    And we are moving back to where we began as newly weds. Back to the land our children have memories of as well.

    The place on the river has steps and we couldn’t live on one level – so we felt it was best to be in a place that would welcome our old age. A place where we could live on one level and have less upkeep and less work all around.

    So we will be able to visit here and have new memories here – so it isn’t good-bye – but see you later.

    My heart will always hold this place dear. Love has lived here, and love is moving here and love will go with us to our new home.

    Home is where the heart lives.

  • Signs of Change.

    In the past 21 years I have been waiting for the sexual abuse to start coming to light. For the flood gates to open and for victims to start standing up and speaking out. For victims to rally one another and expose their abusers. (Victims in the First Apostolic Lutheran Church.)

    And, even more for those who hear the words of the victims to start hearing them.

    Not only listening but to also start taking action steps needed. To not care more for the religion or the reputation of the abuser and his family.

    But to care more about ending this systemic violence against children.

    It seems at least in the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church the darkness is being pierced by voices of victims. Older victims whose Statute of Limitations has passed – as well as those who still can press charges.

    What is so sad is that there are many decades between these girls. Decades of these abusers getting away with it. Decades of preachers knowing and doing nothing; but forgiving.

    I am hopeful the more who stand up, the many who will follow. There is more support today than there was even 21 years ago.

    So called by standers, have to stop standing by – and instead start doing whatever is possible to support the victims.

    To stop supporting the church, the preachers and even going against family if need be.

    As the victims speak out – there also needs others to be willing to listen and sit in the truth and more, be able to take actions.

    I always figured that things would happen in time. Not in my time – but for the truth to erupt when it was time.

    My heart and soul feel that the speaking up and exposing the abusers is contagious- I want it to be uncomfortable for those who do nothing.

    And for those who are willing to go up against the old paradigms to be cheered and supported.

    Twenty-one years ago began the seeds of estrangement. I was unwilling and unable to be with folks who were more comfortable in the darkness.

    I still find it hard to believe that I am the one on the outside looking in – that my family of origin has remained intact.

    While being outside of the family and without a religion, I have found inner peace, love and joy.

    It is my hope that the new victims coming forth are treated more kindly than I was. And that they have the support of many. I can’t even imagine what it would feel like to be supported by your mother and siblings.

    Twenty-one years later – and somethings are showing signs of change.

    May all victims start to live their lives with artful abandon and be who they were born to be – before the abuse happened.

  • New Blog Site

    My old blog host – stopped hosting. So, I had to move my blog – and choose WordPress. Now I have to learn a whole new way of composing a post.

    When Typepad gave me the news that they were done, it felt like someone was tossing out my journals. For so much of my healing, learning, and growing is documented on their site.

    Moving the entire blog to WordPress was an option, so I chose that. Now we are here and I have no idea how to manipulate the site to look like my content.

    I am sure with trial and error and patience, I will find my way around this new publishing site. And, I may learn to love it, and find it has new potential for my blogging.

  • Mother Yourself With Love

    This is it:
    This body is home.
    This is where I live and hang my hat.
    This is where I settle into my hips and sit easy in myself, slung together with strong muscles and bones, made gentle and forging with flesh.
    This body is durable, has lasted for years, hunkered down through fierce storms and allows for the peaceful erosions of age. It is like a cottage on the shore: weathered and well made, a place where a person could comfortably live.
    I like it here.
    It is my own.
     
    By Marya Hornbacher
     
     
    I wondered today, what would be a good role model for a mother?
    What kind of woman would she be?
    What skills and intelligence would she need?
     
    Women become mothers – often without skills – and for sure experience.
    A child is born and there we are – responsible for a life and called a Mother.
     
    Perhaps the best mothers are women who are at home in their skin and have empathy for the human life of ups and downs – the fragility and complexity of being alive – and having their own self love.
     
    Maybe Self-love is the foundation of a great mother.
     
    I do know that children are not good listeners of what we speak – but are great at emulating our actions – and can feel how we feel about ourselves.
     
    Lacking a strong loving role model, I was left to find my way on my own.
     
    I mothered for many years without a connection to myself and even fully knowing who I was – let alone loving myself.  
     
    I know I tried to be responsible for the kids – and took care of them.
     
    What I believe I failed at – early on – was being Me.
     
    I had been a follower, a people pleaser and non-confrontational person.  I went along to get along – without a thought of what it cost me.
     
    I lost me.
     
    I never knew me.
     
    Until all the structures around me fell and I was left alone with a body and this present moment in time – and yet still a mother.
     
    I believe I mothered me – into being who I am today.
     
    And in doing so, became the mother I needed.
     
    During the process I found a woman I loved.  
     
    She was a much better mother.
     
    She wasn't loved by all or even respected – but she was by Me.
    I loved her for her strength, courage and willingness to do hard things – to break patterns and cycles that were hurtful.  
     
    I loved Me.
     
    I was proud of who I had become and the kind of mother too.
     
     
    What want most for my kids and grandkids is for them to be themselves, however that represents itself.
     
    To be able to express their feelings, their emotions, their truth and love in ways that always honors who they are.
     
    I know in the past – in the olden days of me growing up – children were often just extensions of their parents.
    The parents had more to say about the child's life than the child itself. We often had to adhere to their wishes in order to be loved.
     
    I am hopeful that the more women are fully owning their own sovereignty – children will be able to be who they were born to be – without having to look away from what they want – to please a parent.
     
    Many parents feel it is their duty to have their kids follow in the same footprints, to be of the same religion and hold the same values and core beliefs.   These ideals leave very little room for a child to be themselves. To be curious about the world and who they are.
     
    Today my ideal mother is one who lives life unabashedly herself – who shows her children the freedom of being unique and authentic to your own inner voice.  A woman who isn't afraid to stand out and alone – one who is open to living life in ways that disturb others – but brings her love, peace and joy.
     
    A great mother is one who is at peace with her life and wants others to find their own way.
    A woman who loves without conditions – allowing others to just be who they are right now.
     
    Mothering is much harder when you are trying to bend another person to be who they are not.
     
    Mothering is much easier when you are their cheerleader and only want what they want.
     
    Mothering a child – is successful when a child loves who they are and feel seen, heard and understood.
     
    A loving mother changes the world.
     
    IMG_5099
    And, we come in all sizes and shapes.
    There is no one perfect mother.  
    There are only imperfect woman who love themselves – in spite of how they stumbled along the way.
     
    The depth of our self love is what we pass on.
    Mother yourself with love.
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

  • “The Dash Between”

    The Dash Between

     

    Between the date when we arrive
    and the date we go away,
    there exists a horizontal line

    that captures every single day.
     

    And because these days we're living
    seem to vanish in a flash,
    we need to make the most of
    that special little dash.
     

    We are blessed with opportunities
    as we tread the grounds of earth
    to build the loving legacy
    our own dash will be worth.
     

    To focus on what matters,
    not on things we’ve owned or bought,
    and smile every chance we get,
    and love with all we've got.

     

    For the duties of our daily life —
    the job, the house, the cash
    affect the way we get to live
    our only little dash.

     

    So, appreciate the here and now
    as each moment will unfold
    because we're never told beforehand
    how much time our dash will hold.

     

    Don’t spend this time with worries,

    bitterness and fear.

    The future may be uncertain,

    but right now, your dash is here.  

     

    If you need to make some changes,
    let this be the day you start —

    to make a difference with your life,

    show the love that’s in your heart.
     

    For how you spend this life

    will someday be defined

    by everything that is remembered

    in the dash you leave behind.

    By Linda Ellis.

     

    I heard this phrase a long while ago and I loved it.  I have done art with those words.

    IMG_1638

    Living your dash may change – as the years of life go by.

    It seems more intentional to me now – at this age.

    Paying attention to the energy each choice brings.

    I do much much more of things I love.

    Spending time with people who bring joy and live life more soulfully.

     

    None of us know the length of our dash, the amount of years between both dates.

    Instead of feeling like I have unlimited – the older I get, the more I realize there is a limit and I have used up quite a bit already.

     

    In looking for the quilts with this message, I scroll by so many pictures of love.  

    Family, friends, activities, adventures etc.  

    My dash is so colorful and filled with love, joy and peace.

    I am so grateful for all the highs and lows – the times of deep grief and sorrow and then the sunshine moments of pure joy.  

    We may not know the length of our dash, but we do have some choices on the contents.

    My intentions are to live my dash whole heartedly.

    Through the darkest times and the brightest.

    Always honoring what is right for me.