I M Perfect lady

Why do I feel invited and wanted; when a blog post talks about abuse within the families of the FALC?  Why do I feel they want to hear what those of us who have been abused, have to say.  Words about their faith and their non-actions?  Even as I type "non-actions" I know they will jump and attack this.

They attack any words or suggestions that shine a negative light upon their church; faith and its members.

How can you have a dialogue about a negative subject and its neglect by so many and not speak in terms that are not favorable.

What I feel they want the most is to discuss abuse within the church, but to leave the church and its teachings and its people alone.

This rang a bell of familiarity this morning, in regards to my family.

Meaning, how can we discuss freely, the abuse WITHIN the family and not dissect and tear apart the family?  

This is the trouble with abuse when it happens within families and friends and within families that belong to the same religion.  

There is little room to navigate this subject IF you can't talk about the very problem and its source.

Just sit with the fact that they are seeking to break the silence about abuse within the churches families….but let's not speak unkindly.  

I was expected to stand against abuse; but not family.

How, when abuse happened within the family.

This is the same strong negative wall that arises when you are trying to discuss abuse within the families of the church.   They are not open to criticisms in any way, shape or form. But let's discuss….

Really?

And sadly, the one who is trying to show the evidence, the proof and their failures IS the one who is attacked.  I have had years of this already….do I truly need more?

Why do I put myself in the position to be attacked for speaking out?

The answer is the child who is still a child in this system.

I don't want to be the silent compliant adult, who knew and did nothing.

And yet, I can see and feel the pressure of how resistant they still are.

And, of course I am lumping them all together when only a small segment has spoken.

But when I enter into the arena where there is an attempt to open the door upon abuse; the responses are so similar….between the opposing parties.  That is why I guess, I say "they" and "all".   

My brother did a blog post in 2011, September in fact….and his frustrations of meeting this resistance is so eloquently worded. And Felt.  

It shows our caring and trying and our failing.

http://messyguru.typepad.com/messy_guru/2011/09/waiting-for-dorthy-to-call.html

Failing….to get the kind folks of the church to believe enough to rise and organize and revolt; for the children.

Unless and until you try and elicit movement from members, you won't truly know the strength of their resistance. The questions they fail to ask and the things they focus on.  It is mind boggling at best and completely tiring at least.  

Yet, what keeps me coming back are the children that hang in the balance.  

Are we traveling down a road that will open up one day….or is it a brick wall I am beating myself against?

Sometimes I wonder if my silence would have been more beneficial….but it seems I am unable to sit by in silence…when abuse and the FALC are mentioned.

This is a trigger for me.

I want to be part of the movement for change…to be the voice of the voiceless to give a hand to the children who are still in harms way.  

There appears to be a very narrow road filled with land mines as we dare to break the silence.

What I feel most will want, is for things to remain the same; but change. For their religion to come out unscathed….while the monsters are taken out.

How?

Is it possible to remove the father and still have a complete family?

Can you poke about in a religion to sew up its holes and not insult someone?

For today…the discussion has yet come to terms as what we can do different. All I have met with so far is what I can do different.  I can speak kinder and not make broad assumptions, I can do this and that….

I have to change and the perhaps the churches families will seem kinder…

What I should have known, but didn't, is that a person will only hear, if he has nothing to lose.

It isn't the power of our words, nor the facts of reality; but literally how what we say impacts their world.  What will it cost them to hear us.

What part of their world will end?

What person's imagine will shift and change?

What will it then require of them to bring it in?

I am exchanging words on a blog and noticed how confrontational the conversation becomes when I bring up sexual abuse and the FALC in the same sentence.  

However, when I have spoken of my sexual abuse and the FALC with folks who are not in this faith…the flow is completely different.

My story doesn't change, the facts don't change, the people don't change….but the listener is different.

The sentiment of the original blog, was to bring up the subject of sexual abuse within the families of the FALC, and to also challenge its members to act.   

Through the commentary on the comments…you can see the steep hill that will be needed to start making a difference.

I am not sure what will mobilize them; for there isn't a stir towards the victims, but much action towards defending the church and its people.

What I am also so amazed by, when we mention abusers in the church, no one asks for names….locations etc.

Now, if there was a murmur of a teacher in a school district that their child attended, you would see a riot erupt.

Isn't it so fascinating how the mind works.  How it knows what will affect your life, what will change your world and the cost of truth entering in.  And, it will put up a righteous fight to keep your world unchanged.

I didn't know that in order to have an open mind, you have to be willing to lose it all.

Or, have nothing left to lose.

Our minds hear, not our ears.  It isn't the truth itself that matters.  It isn't the content, or the precise facts; but rather what we personally will lose if we were to hear, hear, hear what a victim has to say.

Or, not even a victim. 

A friend…who can see clearer; because they have nothing to lose to see your truth.

Our minds create our worlds over reality.

I know, that I personally, had a completely different view of my whole life.  There was very little that touched reality; yet I believed in it wholeheartedly.  

Someone suggested I seek therapy.  

I would suggest they seek reality.

The greatest therapy that I have had, is the lessons of bringing my mind into reality.

You have to be willing to lose it all, in order to gain the incredible thrilling and brilliantly devastating reality.

Once you walk with reality; you will not settle for the world the mind creates.

My ears have an open mind…and I have learned to lose with grace; to reality.

Some may say I am black and white; that I don't know where the grey areas are.  All I know is what is reality and what is not.

Who has an ear willing to hear…

And, who has too much to lose.

Isn't it so telling, that there are two sides, when we speak  about abuse within the families of a strict religion?  

From a church community whose lives portray high morals and values and yet, when it comes to 'breaking the silence' about abuse…the silence is deafening.

Many of these same members will pull children out of classrooms, will stalk teachers about their curriculum and yet, when a evil entity enters their family and abuses their children.  Silence.

How is it that they can be so outspoken to spare their child from learning about different concepts in life and be so quiet when it comes to expressing the sins, failings, crimes among the folks on the pews?

Is there a double standard for those outside of the church, compared to inside?

Is there also a different bar set for those inside the family….like no bar at all. Any kind of behavior is acceptable…and the mother will not explode in an outcry of what is 'good' for her child.

I just am confounded and amazed at the double lives so many lead.

How dare they be outraged at a child watching a movie and be okay with Uncle, Father, brother, son so and so, molesting a child.  I know, again, there will be outrage for my wording here.  I get it.

What you all don't know or fail to remember IS THAT I WAS YOU.

I lived in complete denial for 46 years.

I too tried to shelter my children from the 'sins of the world' while allowing my child to be friendly with a pedophile, who's my father.  I get it.

I had fear set deep in my bones about my father and I denied my body….and instead choose to keep sweet with the family.

I was you.

I am not just spouting off without experience.

I am trying to awaken you to what I too didn't know and what no one spoke to me about.

I have spoken to many women within in the church and some from other strict churches and it is like there is a wall called "belief" or "Faith" that stands in the way of action.

They are waiting for it to be okay to tell.

Waiting for the climate in the church to be okay with speaking up and taking actions.

They know their child has been abused.

They know, they were abused.

They also know, if they speak of a sin that has been washed away….they become a sinner.

Their faith holds them back.

Their faith keeps them silent; complaint in order to arrive at heaven's gate one day.

Their own personal future is standing in the way.

And, more often than not, their own abuse has limited their ability to see abuse; for it will mean to deal with their own.

The list is long and entangled; between religion, their faith and abuse….albeit repressed or too afraid to address it for it will mean grave changes within their family.

There are also those folks who don't want to fully bring in evil into their sacred religion and faith.  It is their belief, that the evil has been washed away in the sea of grace and it isn't something that they can now take to the Law of the Land, or put up a boundary against.

I too used to believe in this magical forgiveness.  Only to find all that I forgave lingered on and had a life of its own.  The sins were who they were, not an anomaly.

The false belief is that the abuser 'can't help themselves' and the teachings of the church is that the body has sinful needs.  Removing all blame and responsibility from the sinner and giving it to the one who was the victim of this sin.

I know, that there are minor sins….but the belief that even the most evil among us are to be forgiven is where pedophiles fall through the crack and flourish.

There are two sides.  Denial and the Honest truth.

Just knowing we butt heads; means we are not on the same page.

Where can we stand in agreement?

What is up for scrutiny?

Is it possible to lay down your faith and would you?

It wasn't until a small child echoed my experience of abuse with my father that my eyes and ears opened.  

I was no longer unaware.

What can I do or say to elicit the same response?

Is there anything to convince a person against their will?

And isn't the actions of folks in denial the very content of denial?

Perhaps I speak for the child in me…