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I M Perfect lady

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Be Me!

The legacy that was my inheritance from generation upon generation, is the lack of worth.

I know, many will mentally dispute this; but feel its truth, to their bones.

Low self-worth was the common bond in so many areas of my life.

My mother's inability to judge stemmed from her lack of self-worth.

Her religion fed this system.

I believe many think, that the cycles of abuse can be broken by love.

Just love and be kinder.

What I know to be true, is without self-worth or feeling your own value, you can't love.

It is an old and tired saying, "you have to love yourself first"…but it's true.

How many can even articulate or discern what self love looks like?

Are you willing to have an authentic, truthful, loving relationship with your Self IF it means stepping away from others.

And, can you be self-loving without judging others?

How can you take care of yourself IF you can't walk away from relationships that dishonor or disrespect you?

How can you honor and respect yourself if you are incapable of saying "No"?

Isn't it incredibly hard to believe that we have allowed ourselves to be lulled into a lifestyle where our ability to judge and discern was taken away from us…in order to be part of a family.

We have given up our own personal rights in order to be in relationships.

It is to leave our self-love at the door, as we enter in.

What I know to be true, in my experience, is that in order for me to go back to my family of origin, to return into their good graces, I would have to leave behind my power of judging and my self-love word… of "No".

I would have to leave me behind.

This may sound harsh and ridiculous by many…but I am quite serious.

The only way, denial was able to keep such a strong hold in my world, was that I agreed to not see, and certainly not speak, about my own thoughts, feelings and emotions. I had to give up my ability to judge and say no. I was to blend in to the lowest level of self worth; needing nothing. My self had to disappear.

If I could properly express the magnitude of the consequences of being non-judging, it would change the planet radically overnight.

Imagine IF you will, having the ability to be 100% truthful to yourself and have it expressed in the world?

Not having the ability to make reasonable conclusions about others, leaves you powerless and at the mercy of their ill will.

I have said before, that Love is free. It is to be free to say yes or to say no, to come and to go…anything less is not love.

Judging is the tool that allows you freedom of choice.

Without it, you are a prisoner in your own life. Unable to do and say as you please.

It is to be locked up in your mind.

Believing that you will lose the love you have, IF you were to be freely you.

If you are not free, is it love?

If you are unable to say "No", it is not love, it's being owned by another's happiness or peace.

You are connected by the bond that keeps them happy. Not you.

And, that isn't love, but co-dependency, where you are their happy maker.

Again, having the ability to say "No" is self-love.

As Byron Katie says, "If you can't say "No", then I don't trust your "Yes".

You can judge your love by your ability to be freely you.

My greatest pattern that I set in place is self-love.

It required me to lose all that I had known. And, all that I had known wasn't love; for it didn't accept me as Me.

The most terrifying moment in my life, was when I realized there was no Me. I had no clue who I was without doing or being for someone else. I alone, was no one.

I had to rebuild me at 46. I am now 10 years old as the new me.

If you disappear when disconnected from others OR actually to be with others…it is not love.

I found my love…by saying No.

Actually, I can….say No and judge and Be Me!

August 8, 2015
Priceless!

The impact of being taught not to judge leaves us living a life without boundaries.

If you can't disconnect in a relationship due to bad behavior, when would you disconnect?

The crux of my incredulousness, has to be this vein of thought; that judging is wrong and who are you to judge?

It is a direct shot at your own self-esteem, worth, and value.

Not only is the focus deflected off of the person who is acting poorly; but the victim's self worth is now in question.

It is highly suggested, that only the folks who have lived a sin free life can judge…the rest have no right to separate themselves from the riff raff of society.

Only the perfect can set boundaries…but they will tell you, there is no perfect human being, so no one on the human plane has the right to judge another…leaving only God to judge.

This leaves us with no choice but to remain civil, kind and loving, no matter how we are treated.

It is a mindset that keeps the good folks feeling less than….and unable to stand against those who harm them.

A society where we are all equal; but in a lesser degree.

To lower the common denominator to the value of the abuser/sinner/wrongdoer.

This to me IS what makes a dysfunctional family dysfunctional. We are all brought down to the lowest level in the home.

How can a family end abuse, when there is no self-worth or self-esteem? And, how can you get it when you don't have the right to set up boundaries; due to their low value of you?

I know, that I am seen as insane, mental, cold hearted, judging, etc, etc, etc. Just for the simple fact, that I set up boundaries. I didn't abuse anyone…but, I did set up boundaries. This is the ultimate of bad behavior in the eyes of many.

The ill behavior, okay criminal behavior of my father wasn't as egregious as mine.

My daring to actually, and reasonably conclude a new opinion was the ultimate breech in many relationships. I could no longer be trusted to not see and blindly get along.

This unruly behavior of my judging, was not accepted.

Who did I think I was, to judge someone and set up boundaries?

It has never been about what my father did to me, but my value as a human being.

I wasn't seen as someone of value, to protect or treat kindly.

It wasn't that the sin was of great value; but that I wasn't.

Our worth has to be great in their eyes in order to not hurt or protect….and in their eyes, I wasn't. It isn't about the sin or crime, but about our value. Somehow I was equal to my father's crime, in value. Worthy of abuse.

When an individual has no value within a family unit….abuse is not only common, but the norm.

In homes where the child and individual are valued, there will be no abuse….whether it be physical, emotional, or sexual.

Abuse can't happen when self value is present.

When you feel worthy…you see worth.

When you feel value….you value others.

The only reason abuse can flourish IS when there is no sense of self worth for self and others.

When you feel the right to judge, you have value.

And, when you feel valuable, you will no longer stay in relationships that lower who you are.

I love myself enough….to Judge!

I value myself enough to Judge.

I love that I am worthy to judge!

This pattern of self-worth is what changes a home from dysfunctional to love.

In my home we now have value.

Each individual is priceless!

August 7, 2015
Free to Judge!

How many times have you said or heard, "I don't want to judge him/her…."

I have been in a few conversations lately, where a person will express herself about someone doing something wrong….and then say, "but, I don't want to judge them…"

What does the action of judgment look like and why are so many not willing to act out the feelings of judgment.

I had to go and look up the word "judge" again.

"a public official appointed to decide cases in a court of law." And, "form an opinion or conclusion about."

Here is what I feel is true about folks who say "I don't want to judge him."

What they are saying is that they don't want to change their opinions about him or her. They don't want form a new conclusion based on the latest behavior.

I love that I know this.

My focus before had been on the person being 'judged' and Not the person who was wrestling with the new information and then not willing to use this information…for it would have them with a new conclusion or opinion about the person in question.

Many religious folks will say, "I will let God be the judge…" and continue on in a relationship or for certain, not form any boundaries against another person….for they feel it is more christian like to love all; without judgement.

I however, have an issue with this type of being in the world, where there isn't anything anyone can do to make you judge them. You will remain loving, kind and non-judging of them. It leaves the abusers/perpetrators and ill behaved folks, all in your good favor. You refuse to change your mind about who they are and how they live.

Why is this?

Why do so many leave the judging to God and continue on in relationships with those who hurt them and others repeatedly?

What I know….is that it is much harder to live a life where you consciously form conclusions.

I must go and see what the definition of conclusion is.

"the end or finish of an event or process." And, "a judgment or decision reached by reasoning.

Is it the reasoning that stops us…or the knowing it will be the end of what we have had?

All I know, is that when you say, "you don't want to judge someone", it isn't about the person who is misbehaving, it is about you.

You don't want to reason, to see reality, to feel the truth and then have to act upon it. You don't want to reach a new conclusion, for then you will have to move through your life in a new way.

Isn't it interesting how this changes the act of judging.

It is much more about you and what it will cost you and how your life will change and it has very little to do with the person you are judging.

For, it is my experience, that people will say, "I know he is an abuser…but, who am I to judge? Making it seem like you are less for forming a new opinion.

Instead of making him less due to his abusive ways.

How dysfunctional to have the belief, that forming new opinions after a negative encounter, makes you worse; not them.

I love that I am free to judge!

August 6, 2015
Art of Words

In listening to, "Silent Sister" by Diane Chamberlin….she had a line…."Anxiety entered the car, like a third passenger."

I loved this description.

It shows the hugeness of what we carry.

Mine would read, "Denial entered the car like a third person.

It truly lives with us like a siamese twin.

An unwanted passenger that speaks for us and makes choices based up its needs. It truly is a passenger in our lives that has the drivers seat.

Another part in this fictional book, she talks about healing the Mind and the Soul, as two very different things.

I wonder about this.

Did I have to heal my mind and then also heal my soul? I would even say, my heart.

That it wasn't enough to just correct the definitions in my mind, but I had to allow my neglected soul to live…and my broken heart to mend.

The mind is where my thoughts about reality were corrected.

My soul had to speak its truth and live by it.

My heart had to separate itself from those whose love hurt.

I love how authors can write simple but deeply profound sentences.

Art of words.

August 4, 2015
Hide from your life.

While listening to a fictional book, a person was given a chance to change their name, face and location…disappearing from their old life into a brand new one.

It was to change all outward appearances or name recognition; yet the person remained on the inside, but hidden from view.

What struck me was how we tend to change some of the same things, hoping for a better life. When the real core of who you are isn't where you live, the features on your face, the size of your body or what you do for a living.

And, on Facebook yesterday someone asked the question, "What are your five values?" and I asked, "How many live their values?"

Is it possible that your values and your life don't match and is that even possible?

How you spend your time every day, who you are with and how you act ARE your values.

And, is there a difference between your values and your character OR are they one and the same?

I listed mine…."Authenticity, Integrity, trustworthy, individual, spirited".

Freedom would be another, as well as passion…and acceptance of what is.

I believe our actions are our values.

How we spend our time, and who we spend it with, is what gives our life worth.

And what kind of energy do we bring to these encounters, is our contribution to these engagements.

Is it possible as well, that many can't name their values and that what they do each day isn't what they want their values to be?

I am much more in sync with my values. My inner world is happy with what I do and with whom. I am more in tune.

In the past, there was a fight and struggle, where my values and ideas wrestled with what I was taught. Now, there is no inner fight going on.

I have learned to tune out the voices outside of me, and listen to my inner callings. And in doing so my self value has risen.

I would bet, that the biggest cause of distress and stress for that matter, is doing the opposite of what you know are your values. Doing this to get along, to keep the peace etc…while a war is raging inside of you.

List your values, give them a ranking of importance and then see how close you are living in comparison to the list. If it is off, you know where you need to start spend more of your time and energy.

Don't let your inner self hide from your life.

Thanks Brian Rendel for this exercise.

July 31, 2015
Hear and Honor it.

The phrase, "Truth Be Told" has me pondering, how many of us would benefit if our truth was told. Imagine a world where we had circles in which we share our truths, expressing our silences?

The "Truth Be Told" project is for women in prison…you can learn more about them at http://www.truth-be-told.org I have browsed their site and have just a thumbnail sketch of what their mission is.

However, I wondered if we the un-incarcarated women could benefit by speaking out before our lives get so out of control, we do something that lands us in prison.

I know that many of these women come from similar childhoods as mine…."there but the grace of God go I".

To me it is interesting that we as a society are completely wired in 'untruths'.

We tend to see courage in those who speak it; but rarely do most of us glance at our own, let alone explore it in depth.

What would it mean to you if your Truth Be Told?

What changes would your life take?

What relationships would be 'upset' by your truths?

I know that most people live lives where their truth is their best kept secret.

What I believe, is that our subconsciousness (truths) are trying to gain our attention in subtle and not so subtle ways.

I was enraged and I didn't know why.

Once my truth came out….the rage simmered down.

And, the awkwardness of my life righted itself and it became balanced.

Imagine again how many women(and men) in prisons would have been steered onto a different pathway if they lived their truths?

So many have histories as mine…Untreated abuse.

Would their lives make more sense if they could see the natural conclusion from an un-natural childhood?

Annie Roger's book "Annie Rogers: The Unsayable: The hidden language of trauma explains how we act out our truths until we reconcile them with ourselves.

Our truths want to be heard, seen and felt. They will continue to replay our abuse, until we recognize it as abuse and correct the labels of our abusers.

It is painless to have a father; and painful to have a pedophile in its place.

But can they both exist?

What happens to you the victim when you only see a father? Where does your truth go and what is the consequence of that?

I know, in my experience, that I re-created many different relationships where I was powerless…where I was blind to the 'faults' of many. I couldn't see the negatives or when I did, I subconsciously made them positive. It was my job to keep our little secret secret….by treating him as a father and my mother as a mom.

To act out and live your truth is not a journey most of us travel. Especially when there is abuse in our homes. Instead we live with the constant frustration of trying to make a family out of an circle of abusers. We have our roles that don't allow our truths anywhere near us.

The Truth Be Told, needs to be in the schools, churches, and many social circles. We need an early intervention so the prisons are not full of silent victims. And, so our families are not posing untruthfully, but are standing exposing our truths.

I applaud the volunteers who engage with prisoners.

I applaud anyone who dares speak their truths…especially when it upends the applecart of their family's lives. For they are breaking the pattern that destroys children's lives.

If they only knew the impact truth be told would have on the lives of little children.

Perhaps it should be the truth be heard. For it is also my belief that children tell.

They tell, but the parents don't hear.

They don't want to hear that their husband is capable of abuse, that their brother, uncle or grandparent can be anything but what they show to the world.

The truth be told and held is the key to ending abuse.

If you can't be a truth teller, be a truth holder for someone.

Again, how odd is it that we live in a world where our truths are not valued and treasured; but are made to be kept separated from us.

I know to the depth of my being, the prisons house those who lost their way, due to the fact their truths were not honored as children.

I know well intended therapists and healing modalities try and cover up and look beyond and move on from the past. And, the precise moment we stopped being truthful is the moment we turned down the road that led us further and further away from life of peace, love and joy.

When did this adult child begin to hide their truths and why?

I didn't get my family to stand with me and my truths and I know the cost.

The cost to be with my truth is priceless.

And, the cost to be without it…would have cost my children their innocence.

Alice Miller is the only therapist that I am familiar with who understands how the truth of our abusive parents IS the savings grace of our mental and emotional beings.

Without my truth, I would not be me.

I would be a soulless being.

Thank you to all whose truth be told…and for those who hear and honor it!

July 28, 2015
An Old Friend

I spent some time at the Beach House yesterday afternoon and evening, the one that is For Sale…and it wasn't until I was mowing the grass that waves of emotion overcame me.

First I was overcome by her neglect or the lack of tender grooming. It felt to me like I was taking care of a long forgotten friend as I mowed.

A friend who took such great care of me when I needed it the most.

I recalled the days and nights I spent there, when the inside of me was a complete mess. I was soothed by her porch, view, sunrises, and the total space for me to just be in a place of rest.

And, rest I did.

On her rocky shore, refreshing waters, cool breezes.

The sound of waves rocking me to sleep.

Her value to me is far beyond market value; she carries years of memories, of laughter and tears. Of little voices and toddler swimsuits, of friends enjoying hot afternoons. Children deep into their imaginations creating wonderfully. Of star filled skies at night, as we camped on her generous porch.

Family gathered enjoying the water, card games and solitude of books.

She was disconnected from the outside, no phones, no TV, no computer hook up….we were transported to the "Be Here Now" space.

More moments than I can count I thanked her, with tears of gratitude and heart felt sighs as I wearily rested on her shores. Trying to find my footing; again.

As I mowed her tangled overgrown lawn, I felt that I was preparing her for her adoption. That soon another person will be receiving her gifts.

And I wondered if they will look at her many faults or just accept her like we did.

She wasn't the bright and shining perfect beach cottage with everything pristine, she was completely imperfectly perfect. Her charms lie what you see and do along her shoreline.

I didn't own her. She wasn't mine to care for and yet I did. At least in the many summers we spent weeks there. In the past few years, I spent less and less time there. Life changed or lives changed and I guess I believed when I had time again, she would be waiting.

It was to prepare a special friend for our parting. How do you say Good Bye?

She will always be remembered with great reverence and love.

Our memories we take.

I had sent wishes that she will be adopted by loving folks who will do as we did…

Step into her space and be soothed by the loving nature that is her.

She is a huge part of our summer memories. Her porch awaits more laughter, colorful towels, grilling smells, running feet and giggles.

Her shoreline, swimming, golf ball chasing, dog fetching sticks, mermaid rock diving, sun soaking, inner tube floating, boat building, kayaking….fun.

My life and my children's lives all have been better because we had the luxury of enjoying our summers at the Beach House. Due to the lack of outside communication we connected with nature and ourselves.

Beauty abounds everywhere… just paddles along her shore.

I can't imagine our lives without her.

And, I am so grateful to have had her this long.

It truly is like saying good bye to an old friend.

July 24, 2015
What Snags Your Soul?

It wasn't until I pondered what words to add, did I get this quilt.

I love the phrase "soul fishing"! The first words I tried were "gone fishing"…but that didn't seem right.

There seemed to be more going on than mere fishing.

It was the peacefulness of doing what she loves and the space or time allowed…that there was nowhere she would rather be; than with what she loves.

Soul fishing is to find what honors your soul, what makes you come alive.

You will tell you caught one when you are filled with great energy and aliveness.

I may go back and add words to the fish…

I love this more the more I sit with it and realize her significance as she encourages others to fish for their soul…

To take the time and give yourself a pass to do what excites your Being!

What snags your soul?

July 13, 2015
Love wins…over different!

My mind has been spinning with the Ruling on Friday, that everyone is talking about. How the Gays now have the same rights as the rest of us folks.

What took awhile to bubble up to the surface is this isn't about the Gays at all.

Anti-Gay laws weren't created by the Gay people.

Gays were not acting in a manner that justified their treatment.

They literally are doing what comes natural in love….for them.

Their love looks different than other love.

But, it is love.

Isn't it insane that at one time, like a week ago, there was a law that defined love?

And, even more insane, was that at one time, I too agreed with this law.

The strict religion I was raised in had a narrow view on love.

Love was restricted to a man and a woman.

The religion felt they owned love…and if you didn't love like they loved, you were not equal; but less.

What I have also thought of during these past few days is that there is no way that loving Gay people can be a threat.

A threat to what?

In my relationship with my husband, having loving Gay people marry will not lessen what we have. I do not feel threatened or less because of the ruling.

In fact, oddly, I feel more ashamed.

Ashamed that I am part of the percentage of the population who have allowed them to be second class citizens. I am part of the 'regular' love folks who have waltz on our merry way to marry.

Not only to marry but to have the rights to our partners health care and to be able to be there for medical emergencies….etc

I took for granted the rights they were denied…with their loving life partners.

I was part of the populations that denied them the rights.

Like it didn't matter…that much, cause it didn't affect me. It was just the way it was.

I accepted where I was….as much as where they couldn't go. Without thought or question…it just was. And, without too much consideration on how it was to be them.

Mostly, in the debate, how often can you sit in the other chair?

Do you see what their side feels like?

When you are on the side that is oppressing…do you feel those who are oppressed?

I knew of their inequality, but I didn't feel I was part of their oppression, yet I was.

I was raised to see them differently.

What also came to me is that my narrow mind is now wide open.

I had liberated the Gays long before the ruling. They were not as I was taught, but rather they were just like me. Equal human beings…who loved.

How many of the conservative christian people have been taught like me….to see them as different. NOT that they are different.

That is the difference.

We are taught to see wrongly and then call them wrong.

Love was never in the context of Gays when I was young. It was as if their very nature was wrong, not even that they loved differently, but they were just wrongly put together.

Here is what I do believe is threatened and rightly so…(or its about time).

What is threatened is the lucidity of wrong thinking.

This wrong thinking has got to be exposed for what it is.

The narrow minded closed thinkers uncomfortable with differences people will feel the odd looks now.

For they will become the minority of folks who believe that love can only be between a man and woman….and only they are entitled to benefits by their love union.

Perhaps the difference will now be between those who see love and not the gender of the lovers.

I know this will not come easy to folks who, like me have been taught to see them differently. But, it is up to us…for it was us who made them different.

We have to be uncomfortable with different…until we expand and feel the space for all to enter in…in love.

What I want to impress upon those who have been labeled different. You didn't attach the label, we did.

You are and have always been you.

We made you different…not you.

You naturally love how you love.

We have un-naturally created a world that rejects you.

For this, I am sorry.

I am sorry for agreeing to see you differently…and for not seeing love.

It is my hope, that IF my narrow minded thinking can widen….so too can the world.

I am proof it can be done.

Love wins…over different!

I can see there may be a series…."Love Wins!"

June 30, 2015
Once upon a time

What I have granted, due to my own need for freedom, is for others to be free.

This sounds simple and even healthy, and more, very natural.

However, coming from dysfunctional homes where choice isn't an option….allowing choice is hard to navigate. It isn't a learned behavior that I easily fell into. I had to give up control to suite my needs and allow.

Simply allow another to pick and choose.

Everything then becomes fluid and out of control.

What I believe we mostly are impressed upon is that family has the right to attend each and every function.

They are indelible.

And, WE don't have a choice there.

With this belief most major life celebrations come laced with emotional land minds.

The restrictive boundaries are broken down and all manner of dysfunction swirls around mixing with party decorations.

Each party and gathering doesn't have just joy and celebration; but the anxiety undertones of abuse.

I am not sure those who have been raised without choices, understands the stark difference between a party of kindness and one where all manner of behavior is welcomed in…hoping it doesn't display itself in public.

I can't even adequately articulate the festivities that have monsters hidden behind common faces of Relatives…and the energies of fear and anxiety they ignite.

Tranquility spiked with jolts of negative emotions.

I didn't know this, until I had a life celebration event where the guest list was void of undertones.

The unspoken or unseen differences that appear in party wear…were absent.

It seems even odd for me, that it has taken 56 years before I was able to have a life celebration without feeling PTSD throughout the whole party.

To me, this has to be the flavor of my childhood.

Where no matter the event, the undertow carried the energy feel for the party.

The cake and candles couldn't be festive enough to minimize or equalize the negative emotions and feelings of trauma…that was the steady background noise.

Part of me feels the sadness for the endless events that were overshadowed by the negative energies some guests carried with them; undoing the painstaking attention to the carefully planned details. The party never had a chance to be just a party.

I also know, if you yourself haven't given yourself the luxury of freedom to choose guest, based up personal interaction of respect and commonality or friendship…you have never experienced a party as pure joy.

My body wasn't bracing, just enjoying.

This to me is the fallout from my walking away.

Where the pattern is literally felt to be different.

That there is opportunity for choices.

I know I can withstand and endure parties where the underlying feelings oppose the party theme. But, what I really, really, really know now is the beauty of parties of love.

Where folks who arrive carry only love…and friendship.

Their energy matches the party scene… where love was put into the details.

What I also know to be true, is that these parties often were believed to be healers or fixers of broken family. That somehow if you had the right and perfect party, then the family would bond deeper etc.

And, what I now know, is that a family where there is no undertow….then, no undertow appears at the party.

It is just happy people celebrating with a party. Period.

As Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor said. "You are responsible for the energy you bring into the room."

And in this case, you are responsible for who you invite.

Isn't it funny, but we feel we must invite family, even if they bring in energy that will zap the party's good vibes.

I sat with feelings of complete awe and gratitude to be in a space where a party had center stage! For even when silent the unspoken, unexpressed emotions would eclipse the joy.

I am always amazed in the ability of negative energies to steal the spotlight.

Which is why I have put up such high boundaries against it these past 10 years.

What a great pattern to hand down to my children.

The possibility for a new story to be written…."Once upon a time…"

June 15, 2015

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