I M Perfect lady

I'm perfect – it's impossible not to be.

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about – A Fiber Artist -passionate about women empowering.

  • Didn’t Value Me.

    Rob Bell is an author, who is reflecting my experiences with the juxtaposition between being a God created wonderful intricate moving living breathing piece of Art, and then what my church and parents believed about me.

    The space between is wide and expansive, the differences are too huge to even comprehend.

    My old self, the one of the church's teachings was that I was wretched and a sinner. My parents actions shown me I wasn't worthy. Hence, my self- image grew from my parent's eyes and in the eyes of the church…they matched each other.

    After leaving the church and family, I began to search for who I was…already knowing to the depth of my being, who they thought I was, but was this true?  I knew that their idea or view of me wasn't correct in how it matched reality; for I wasn't the one who created the family of dysfunction, at least not in my family of origin, however, I had taken their model and began to recreate it in my home.  

    My unworthy feelings about myself….were being passed on to my children. 

    I began to question everything; me, my church, my family, my mothering….nothing was beyond my reach.  Everthing was torn apart to find its goodness.  And I pretty much came up empty.  I had to start from scratch, rebuilding, relearning and reteaching and redoing….in order to not replicate unworthiness.

    The book, Velvet Elvis understands my total transformation….from old to a new me…he is able to show how the religions are upside down.

    Rob Bell is flipping the church on its head.

    Taking the model of christian and showing its flaws and the way it isn't right with God in how He sees us.

    Here is a part that struck me from the "Velvet Elvis".

    "These first Christians kept insisting that something so transformational was happening in the lives of followers of Jesus that they could refer to their old lives as "the life (we) once lived."

    "It is not that we are perfect now or that we will never have to struggle. Or that the old person won't come bcd from time to time. It's that this new way of life involves a constant, conscious decision to keep dying to the old so that we can live in the now."

    "Paul describes it as Christ being our lives."

    "Paul go so far as to insist in another letter that if we are having this new kind of transforming experience with Christ in which we are taking on a new identity, we are literally now a "new creation".

    "I am being remade."

    "I am not who I was."

    "I am a new creation."

    "I am "in Christ."

    "When God looks at me, God sees Christ, because I'm "in" him.

    "God's view of me is Christ."

    "And Christ is perfect."

    "This is why Paul goes on to say, "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy, and dearly loved."

    "Did you catch that word in the middle?" "Holy" "Not, "going to be holy someday." "Not, "wouldn't it be nice if you were holy, but instead you're a mess." But, "holy".

    "Holy means pure, without blemish, unstained." "In these passages we're being told who we are, now."

    "The issue then isn't my beating myself up over all the things I am not or the things I am doing poorly; the issue is my learning who this person is who God keeps insisting I already am."

    "Notice the words from the letter to the Philippians: "Let us live up to what we have already attained."

    "There is this person who we already are in God's eyes. And we are learning to live like it is true."

    "This is an issue of identity. It is letting what God says about us shape what we believe about ourselves. This is why shame has no place whatsoever in the Christian experience. It is simply against all that Jesus is for. As the writer to the Romans put it, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

    "None." "No Shame." "No list of what is being held against us." "No record of wrongs." "It has simply been done away with." "It is no longer an issue." "Bring it up is pointless." "Beating myself up is pointless."

    "Beating others up about who and what they are not is going in the wrong direction. It is working against the purpose of God. God is not interested in shaming people; God wants people to see who they really are."

    "Let us live up to what we have already attained." "I am not who I was." "You are not who you were." "Old person going away, new person here, now." "Reborn, rebirthed, remade, reconciled, renewed." "Jesus put it this way. "You are in me and I am in you." Rob Bell, Velvet Elvis

    What is so shocking to me is that I now agree with the Bible and its teachings.  I no longer feel so repelled by it.  I was repulsed and nauseated by the way the FALC used its words…and/or the teachings of Jesus and kept wiping the pedophiles clean.

    It wasn't teaching the worthiness of innocence.

    It wasn't teaching we are holy.

    It was completely the opposite….to the point that evil is treated better than good folks.

    I know as shocking as Rob Bell is to many, it is only because you have believed and bought into your own unworthiness and wretched sinning value….AND, that the church is there to save you….so when you die, you find Heaven.

    I found Heaven on earth, by leaving the church, and walking away from people who didn't value me.

     

     

     

  • Velvet Elvis!

    "The Sunday after 9/11 I talked about the need to forgive people who wronged us. The word forgive in the Greek Language actually means "To Send Away." People hurt us and harm us, and we end up carrying around these debts they owe us wherever we go. To forgive is to refuse to carry those debts anymore." Rob Bell, author of "Velvet Elvis"

    For me it is to expect that my parents 'owe' me more or a better life. I no longer believe that. 

    I owe me more or a better life…it isn't up to anyone to give this to me.

    As long as you feel they still owe you something, you will remain in anger or hopeless waiting for 'things' to change. 

    I feel at peace; that I have sent away my expectations and hope for things being any different than they are.

    I am no longer connected to them in a negative way…by expecting them to deliver a long overdue debt.

    Here is another section that I loved in "Velvet Elvis" (and I love a book about God and Jesus, religion etc, called, "Velvet Elvis"!  

    "The word Jesus would have used for peace is the Hebrew word shalom.  Shalom is an important word in the Bible, and it is not completely accurate to translate it simply as "peace."

    "For many of us, we understand peace to be the absence of conflict. We talk about peace in the home or in the world or giving peace a chance.  But the Hebraic understanding of shalom is far more than just the absence of conflict or strife."

    "Shalom is the presence of the goodness of God.  It's the presence of wholeness, completeness."

    "So, when Jesus tells the woman to go in peace, he is placing the blessings of God on all of her.  Not just her physical bod.  He is blessing her with God's presence on her entire body. And this is because for Jesus, salvation is holistic in nature.  For Jesus, being saved or reconciled to God involves far more than just the saving of your physical body or your soul – it involves all of you."

    "God's desire is for us to live in harmony with him – body, soul, spirit, mind, emotions – every inch of your body."

    "Restoration"

    "To say that salvation is holistic is to acknowledge that there are many dimensions to living in harmony with God. In one sense, salvation is a legal transaction.  Human's are guilty because of our sin, and God is the judge who has to deal with our sin because he is holy and any act of sin goes against his core nature.  He ahs to deal with it.  Enter Jesus, who dies on the cross in our place. Jesus gets what we deserve; we get what Jesus deserved."

    "For Jesus, however, salvation is far more.  It includes this understanding, but it is far more comprehensive – it is a way of life. To be saved or redeemed or set free is to enter into a totally new way of living with God. The rabbis called harmony with God olam haba, which translates  "life in the word to come."  Salvation is living more and more in harmony with God, a process that will go on forever."

    I am skipping down to this part….

    "The goal here isn't simply to not sin.  Our purpose is to increase the shalom in this world, which is why approaches to the Christian faith that deal solely with not sinning always fail. They aim at the wrong thing.  It is not about what don't do. The point is becoming more and more the kind of people God had in mind when we were first created."

    "It is one thing to be forgiven; it is another thing to become more and more and more and more the person God made you to be."  Rob Bell….Velvet Elvis!

    What I love about this book, is that he is using the bible and its definitions and bringing them back to the day it was written, the era, and using the words as they were in that day….and not in 2013. 

    If you are someone who is puzzled or disgusted with the Christian way of living that is presented here, you will love this author.

    It has brought me back to seeing the kindness in the Bible, in God and Jesus…it has taken my experiences of God and they agree with his view.

    Each of us will find the view that we see from.

    I see like Velvet Elvis!


  • A Wonderful Masterpiece!

    Last night, WIND was treated to a class of Zentangle, by Cari Raboin a Certified Zentangle Instructor. I was mis-informed, and thought it was more about one continuous line and not picking up your pen once you started.  I was way off, delightfully so!

    Zentangle, is more about being in the now.  Using pencils with NO erasers…about not knowing where you going, and adjusting your design as you make new design opportunities..with a drawing error or so your mind thinks. Like Meditational drawing, it keeps you present…away from the future or past.

    For Zentangle, Cari was the perfect instructor and we, all 8 of us, were attentive students.


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    This is my Tile, as they are called.  A 3 by 5 piece of Italian paper…small so as not to be so intimidating, like taking a small step into drawing art.

    She doesn't show us the whole design, but takes us through it one line at a time…like life, we can only know what to do in this moment and won't know what the completed picture will look like, until…


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    Using just pencil (no eraser) and a fine marker, we created a drawing of interest, depth and movement.  

    And, when we put all of ours together, it was quite remarkable.  Each of us, could pick ours out, for we knew our lines, our mark…what our hands had made.

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    How similar and different, how we interpeted or orchestrated her instructions in our own way…and all ways are remarkable and beautiful.

    Zentangle is a Metaphor for Life!

    The tile was divided up into four sections and the individual design that went into each section was called a Tangle.  I love that.  And, each Tangle has a name…which I have already forgotten…and there are hundreds of them.

    I would highly recommend taking a Zentangle class…it brings you back to the early years of coloring; but this time you are part of the whole process!

    It is also a way to look at life differently, to get a broad picture….that all we have to do is work on this step now, and step by step we are creating a wonderful masterpiece.  

    (Our Certified Zentangle Instructor, Cari Raboin teaches classes locally as well as in other areas in the U.P.  Her website is http://www.cctangles.wordpress.com there you can find more information on her upcoming classes and a way to contact her.)

    Cari, my heartfelt thanks for allowing WIND to experience Zentangle…for volunteering your time and passion in the Art of Zentangle! 


  • What would churches sell?

    Today I listened to Rob Bell's book, "Love Wins"…as I drove along the mail route.  I was surprised and affirmed by his words.  He poses a lot of great questions and challenges the typical beliefs and mind sets of many religions, as well as looking at the bible and its stories from a new viewpoint….and offers a very new approach to God and Jesus, one that reflects what I now believe.

    Depending upon how you were taught and raised to believe, you will have a different kind of God, than perhaps the true God.

    I highly recommend reading or listening to his book, if you are at all against the normal religious dogma that seems to separate.

    There is something that I was able to understand, but barely able to grasp…for it was how someone without religious boundaries, is often the one persecuted…compared to the one who does AND he often separates himself from others.  And, yet he points fingers at the one without any.

    All, I know…is that the religious person is often seeing the non-religious one as wrong…just because they don't have a church.  And, not being able to see that those with a church exclude so many just because they don't match.  And, yet blame the ones who are outside for not matching.  Not themselves for having such strict rules for acceptance.

    It dovetails with my experience of my family.  How I am seen as wrong…for not being able to match the rest. That God forbid it be the mass of them that are wrong. And, it is my fault for not being the same.  Not theirs for demanding sameness.

    A very refreshing book about God and Jesus and gives me hope for humanity and that he sees the God of Love…and that the God of punishment is from an old era or age.  There is hope that times are a changing and Rob Bell is one who stuck his neck out to challenge the Christians in how they see Heaven, Hell, God and Jesus and even more importantly view themselves and the rest of us.

    Imagine if Hell didn't exist or sins?

    He suggests that many live for the evacuation to Heaven…and the fear of Hell…without pausing to wonder how they can improve this earth.  Like this is just a place that will decide where you go when you die.

    If there were no hell what would churches sell?


  • Pulled into a Brighter Future

    My husband had 'saved' a milk crate of old stuff of mine, that was in a Farm House on our property that is slowly crumbling into itself.  A crate that I wasn't that interested in….really, but did not want to either, just throw it all away.

    So yesterday I sorted through it.

    It was a pile of old film negatives and pictures…of course family is intersperced with friends and vactions; things we take pictures of.  These were I believe either second prints or ones that for some reason didn't put into photo albums back then.

    I seen a small child sitting on my father's lap, he with a pipe in his mouth….a common image if and when you would conjure up his face.  He appeared kind….a loving grandpa…with an innocent child.

    I pulled out a bunch to 'save'….and burned the rest of the negatives in a fire outside…and as I vaccumed up leaves, I smelt the burning negatives…all gone up in smoke.

    How easy it would be if that is how we dealt with negatives and images we no longer found useful or wanted to treasure.

    I kept the one of my father.  

    Not out of love and honor, but rather out of acceptance…or maybe its truth.

    I saw images of my siblings in their youth and early adulthood.  

    A Fall day….flooded with images and feelings then and now….what was and what is.

    This morning I watched Rob Bell with Oprah….you can view it

    http://www.oprah.com/own-super-soul-sunday/Full-Episode-Oprah-and-Rob-Bell-Video

    What I loved about it, is his belief that we are headed for more,

    We are headed into better.

    That something within him and I, believe that God is pulling us towards a better way.

    While some feel that I am doing something wrong for my family…I believe, that I am changing its legacy.

    That there is hope outside of negatives. That burning them isn't enough.

    We have to live differently.

    Yesterday I overheard my husband tell my son; Nothing Son…It is what dad's do.  In reference to the labor of love he toiled over with my son's new truck.  My son asked, "what do I owe you?"

    Nothing Son, it is what Dad's do.

    My children are experiencing dad in a completely different way.

    I am experiencing husband in a completely different way than my mother.

    To me, I see a brighter future…one that I have been reaching towards, seeking….wanting, desiring. 

    We can all sit and moan and lament at what we didn't have.  But, we can also have faith in the hope for a better future.

    The interview on OWN…. encapsulates how I believe and how I am reaching and being pulled into a brighter future


     

     

  • Unfounded goodness.

    In a conversation I had, someone was saying, that there is a fine line between rebuke and self-righteousness….and that self-righteousness was perhaps the most tricky of all sins.

    I had to look up first, the meaning of Rebuke.

    "express sharp disapproval or criticism of (someone) because of their behavior or actions."  

    I am not aware that rebuking is wrong….is it?

    I then, looked up the word Self-Righteous.

    "Having or characterized by a certainty, esp. an unfounded one, that one is totally correct or morally superior."

    I can see that if you are certain about an unfounded certainty, that you would be off the mark…but if you are certain about a certainty, than you can't be classified as self-righteous.

    The way I am feeling or the message I am getting is that rebuking and self-righteousness are bad, sinful even.

    Which then means, that in the eyes of some, I am being a sinner….for having or more, for expressing sharp disapproval of the abusive behavior of my parents…but not self-righteous, for I am not certain about something unfounded.

    I find these two words being used as warnings….that I best be careful where I tread or how.  Instead, I see them as blinders or stop gaps or safety nets for the folks who don't want to be Found OUT….or called out.

    These 'sins' work remarkably well if you don't want to face sharp disproval.  

    I believe that self-righteousness is a "Tricky Sin" only if you are feeling certain about something unfounded.  

    Again, I am in awe of what fears fall into place….that they are more afraid of 'sinning' than paying attention to who their fellow church members are, what they are doing, and what is the cost of "not sinning" to the children who are waiting for someone to show sharp disproval to the behaviors that is being done to them!

    I guess, in the eyes of many, I have sinned.

    I have sinned.  Not my father….

    I have sinned by rebuking him and for being certain.

    In my opinion, if these two words are similiar and one is a tricky sin, then the opposite of me, is being good.  A non-sinner.  

    Which then explains the silence of the church members.

    But they need to know, self-righteous is a wrong; especially if it is unfounded.

    Certainty is fine….unless you are certain about something that is a lie.

    If this is true, than I see more self-righteous within the familys of abuse…upholding characters of goodness…to folks who are abusing.  That to me, is being self-righteous…holding on to unfounded goodness.



  • Touched by my Art

    The journey with "My Lady" has been one that is unknown and a mystery and enthralling to be part of.  I just never know the bends it will take and the energy she will be given and even the life lessons I will learn in the darkest of times…

    As I sat pondering my path, my stance or stand against abuse; that excludes family and its cost or application…I contemplated silence.  I felt that my art even came at a cost…to stand by her. That perhaps and maybe, I would have more peace and joy by letting HER go.  To be me, but silently. To end the bold and loud display of who I am.  

    And, then….out of the blue a card arrived, on one of my low days.

    A woman who saw my quilts at the Portage Lake Library…expressing how they touched her, spoke to something within her…and, how her late husband was an artist, how she wanted to support me AND MY CAUSE…

    I sat stunned.

    What could I say….that I was going to stop?  That I was too tired…of the side-effects…

    Instead her letter intrigued and excited me…and I was humbled that she had chosen me and my work as something she wanted to contribute to in any way. This gesture out of the blue, moved the clouds of doubt away.

    I was fueled once again.

    I was wondering and pondering again, but in ways that we could conspire to expand the visibility of My Lady.  

    Imagine, going from wanting to darken and hide my Art, to looking for ways to expand her exposure…such is the power of one card.

    Of one person willing to reach out.

    We met.

    We talked.

    We connected.

    We shared.

    We dreamed.

    We conspired.

    My Lady, my admirer and I.

    She wants to remain anoymous…which will be tough for me…and it does add to the mystery.  A Lady behind My Lady and I.

    I want her to be part of the process to be active and engaged…yet hidden.  

    One of the best parts of My Lady, is meeting other women who connect with her, who find her energy contageous, who love her independence and strength, her courage and fearlessness.

    We met woman to woman; and spoke of what we could do to bring out "My Lady" spirit in other women, to encourage them to make a change, to take the first step in growing, to dare to do something for themselves…

    After the deluge of unbelievers in me, it felt good to have this woman understand me.  She even said at one point, "your family doesn't even know this you, the you you have become…" and she is right.

    And, they may never know her.

    She is a motherly type, a woman as complex as My Lady…and she is stepping up to help me and my cause…because she was touched by my Art.

     
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  • Who we are.

     

    Listening to this video gave me great assurance about life….and about me.

    How it is that I have lost the hatred, but kept the fear….for people who are abusive.

    How it is that I recognize my talent and it is up to me to share it and use it.

    How I am responsible for my flaws…it is up to me to correct them.

    How compassion IS understanding there are unlucky lifetimes and lives who out of no fault of their own, are harmful to humanity and the kindest thing to do is to remove them from society.  It isn't about liking them or being kind to harmful people but doing what needs to be done to protect others.

    A great video in seeing the big picture as to what makes us who we are.

     

  • Ambiguity and Authenticity.

    Ambiguity and Authenticity have to be polar opposites.

    I was wrong…the opposites of ambiguity are; direct, decisiveness, straightforwardness, exactness, clearness, brightness, obviousness.…etc….so its opposite is unclear, not direct, not exact…not obvious.

    In my exchanges with a few siblings…what stands out the most is the indecisiveness….the waffling back and forth.

    I am accused of being wrong when I label them as abused.

    I am then accused of grand standing AS the ONLY one being abused, and told they too were abused.

    I was accused of being part and party to the abuse years ago, and now I am seen as a family wrecker today.  When the actions of before and after are completely different.  You can't have it both ways I keep saying…..

    But, they can.

    There is nowhere for me to gain ground with them.

    I would be damned no matter what….well I am damned no matter what.

    This is how I know clearly it isn't about me.  For I have been two ways and it hasn't changed their worlds.  If it was about me, then at one point things would be going smoothly….either in the years where my father was abusing or in the years I stepped away from him.  Something should have changed in their worlds IF I am the one controlling them.

    Easy to blame the sister/daughter who is nowhere near their lives; than it is to look in the mirror.

    What I know for sure…for me, is that I need something that is not flipping and changing and two sided.  I need steady and clear decisions.  I need folks to be who they are always.  Not the 'kind' public persona and then lambasting me behind the scenes.  I don't know who you are.  I don't trust you kindness, when the ugly erupts.

    I know how this is.  

    That was me for 46 years.

    I would be kind and then spew hatred and anger and rage….and then back to kindness.  What I have discovered of me, was that my anger and rage was for the duplicity of my parents. My fears of not knowing who would appear….

    What I know for me, is that I don't trust folks who are unable to own who they are.

    I can handle dysfunction if they are working towards eradicating it in their lives…victims of abuse who are learning how they became so backwards and are working like hell to undo the damage. But, I dont' know what to do with those who scream they are kind, normal and blessed….coming from abuse.

    I looked up again….authenticity.

    Authenticity is defined as "real or genuine : not copied or false. : true and accurate. : made to be or look just like an original. - Conforming to fact and therefore worthy of trust, reliance, or belief. Trustworthy or genuine.

    I would rather be with authentically dysfunctional folks who know they are not right….than to be with those who have no idea who they are and how they contaminate this world.

    I just can't believe that my authenticity with my dysfunction is harmful….but, I can believe that their denial about the depths of their dysfunction is harmful in ways they would be shocked to see IF they were aware.

    Our paths are different….and worlds apart….as far as ambiguity is from authenticity.


     

  • Normality in Ambiguity.

    What I got left with, after all the mind twisting and thought turning, was how does a 'kind' person show their boundaries?  If you can't step back or move away from things that insult your soul, then how can we, watching you, know how you truly feel or who you are?

    What can we trust about you when there isn't a clear you…an outline of boundaries that clearly define who you are?

    I was struck by the blurry vision or mixed messages that assaulted me…in the ambiguity of who my siblings really were.

    And, it then led me to wonder how this amibiguity was the image we were given of our parents; hence ourselves.

    That my father, due to his acting out in abusive ways, was not just one solid self, but a double vision.

    My mother also had two sides…one being a 'good' christian woman, but one who allowed an abusive man to live in her home.

    This ambiguity gave us the license to be two faced.

    That being two-sided was normal.

    And…kind.

    And…Non-judgmental.

    Even, loving.

    When I no longer have two sides, but one crystal clear out-line of me, I am not 'easy' to be with.  For, I won't flip to the 'easy' side, that allows anything.

    What I feel is that they want me to capitulate and roll over and be friendly…while inside I am not feeling that.

    This technique, of doing that which you don't feel, feels very abusive to me…or it has echoes of it.

    That you are doing that which you don't feel like doing, but you do it to make someone else 'feel good'.

    As I view my siblings and my mother, I can't see a clear picture of who they are, I see no out-lined set point of what they stand for and what they stand against.  They have no clearly set apart self, but move as a group.

    Either a group called family.

    Or a group called church.

    But, not as a one…character.

    I don't truly know who they are and what they stand for.

    What I feel is that they will fall for anything.

    In my new awareness or understanding…kindness has critical lines and boundaries.

    Kindness is solid.

    Value has one side.

    Respect, love, honor do not twist in the wind and become something else; when it is too hard or uncomfortable.

    I see the affects of living in a home with two-sided parents; whose real truth was covered up, to be that we learned to live without a clear sense of who we were….for we were asked to be something we were not.

    In abuse you are asked/demanded or bullied into something you don't want to do.

    I feel that my family now is subjecting me to the same tone of abuse.

    In that, they are wanting from me something I am not freely giving; due to their nature of being two-sided.

    Abuse in families adds the second side.

    It goes from normal…to abnormal and the combination is ambiguity.

    And Ambiguity's definition….

    Something that does not have a single clear meaning…

    Doubtfulness or uncertainty of meaning or intention: to speak with ambiguity; anambiguity of manner. 2. an unclear, indefinite…

    Something with ambiguity is unclear.

    What I feel is that my family is asking me to support and stand with ambiguity…to remain loyal and committed to ambiguity.

    For there is no clear message of love, with abuse tossed in on top.

    I do understand and appreciate where they are coming from….that living in the two faced world gives you a pattern and role model to follow. Where what you feel and how you act do not have to match…and who you are and how you act can be complete opposites. They find comfort and normality in ambiguity.


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    I was so drawn to nature, for there was no ambiguity!  It was as it appeared; always.