I M Perfect lady

I'm perfect – it's impossible not to be.

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about – A Fiber Artist -passionate about women empowering.

  • Starving our Souls.

    "When you get to the crossroad in your life and you have a choice to make, always take the harder, scarier road.  It is the one you were meant to take.  If you were truly happy on the road you were traveling, as well as the direction your life was taking, a crossroad would never have appeared.  The lessons you have to learn in your life will never be on the easy street, they will be on the road that challenges you. So take the hard road, draw a deep breath, and put yourself out there. You are stronger and braver than you think you are."  Joanne McPike.

    What struck me while reading this is the idea of a crossroad, NOT happening If you are truly walking your authentic path…and that if there is on, it will be the junction between what is your truth and what is not….between doing what others want and doing what you feel is right for you.

    I love this.

    And, I agree that the hardest road is the right one…and it is scary…to get off of someone else's idea of what is right for your life. To go against popular oppinion and do what feels right inside.

    And, that if you are on easy street, you are not learning the lessons life has to offer.

    The toughest road I traveled was littered with valuable life lessons.

    In many families and churches, there are strong influences that appear to be a crossroad, a place where two ideas cross your path.  Chosing the one that aligns with your passion and your desires, while going against the preferences of your parents…is the hard road.

    Our individuality and authenticity is being on the road and not veering off when other's wishes are dropped in front of us.

    Some of the hardest challenges to being yourself is to neglect what other's need…and serve your soul first.

    I truly believe we can't help others while starving our souls.




  • Freely as who you are.

    There is a great article in the O Magazine this month, by Martha Beck….here is a bit of it.

    "Horse Sense"

    "Avery looks utterly bewildered. Since her confusion is vital to the process, I just smile."

    "I have brought Avery to my ranch today to help her understand why she feels anxious and uncertain in her life; why she rages at collegues, her children, her husband.  Though I've been serving as Avery's life coach for several weeks, there are things she can learn here, with Koelle and Ernie, that all the talking in the world could never convey."

    "But Koelle's request has thrown her. "Do whatever you want?" she repeats.  It's clear she has no idea what that might be.  Since infancy, Avery – like most of us- has done what she's supposed to do, not what she wants to do. She knows how she's "supposed" to act as a wife, mother, employee. But in equine life coaching, there is no "supposed to." There is you, an animal and the present moment. What you do with the situation is your choice, and for Avery, choice is an unfamiliar prospect." 

    "An equine coaching session consists of the following; You stand near a horse. You gesture to that horse. It gestures back. For a while, it all feels strange and random. But eventually, in a process beyond verbal description, you begin to feel a cell-deep, almost telepathic communication between you and the creature. Awakening your ability to connect with the horse allows you to understand yourself entirely in new ways. And in the weeks that follow, that understanding quietly transforms your life."

    "But Avery isn't there yet. For now she just stares at Ernie paralyzed.  He wanders around keeping his distance, smelling the dirt."

    "Then without warning, Avery begins to cry, "I feel like I'm supposed to do something," she says, "but I don't know what it is."

    "And where else in your life do you feel that way?" asks Koelle."

    "Avery's voice cracks as she answers, "Everywhere."

    "Yes," Koelle says, "The way we do anything is the way we do everything.  How you react to the horse is how you react to the rest of your life. That's why we're here."

    Skipping further into the article,

    "Humans who can "speak" in the gestual language horses use to communicate with one another have demonstrated that these animals are amazingly cooperative. They've also found that horses always tell you exactly what they think – and here's where things get interesting, because what horses think of you happens to be what most people think of you, too. The difference; Horses won't lie about. Flattery, backstabbing, and hidden agendas are unknown to horses. They communicate what they feel, straight up, all the time. Which means that to gain their trust, humans must be genuine, clear and honest. Which is why horse whispering is such a powerful psychological intervention."

    In the last part of the article….

    "Ernie is now chewing vigorously on Avery's hair. She laughs nervously."

    "Does that feel good to you?" asks Koelle."

    "It is alright," says Avery, though her body has gone rigid."

    "Really?" Koelle says. "It is all right to have horse teeth in your hair?"

    "He means well."

    "And he deserves to know what you really feel.  Tell him what you want and need.  We teach people how to treat us. Communicate."

    "Avery pushes gingerly at Ernies muzzle. "No, no," she says weakly. But even to me, sitting several yards away, it's clear that her body language is saying, "Do whatever you want, just don't stop liking me." Ernie shoves her ear with his nose.

    "Make your message stronger," says Koelle. "Stand up straight. Get big and loud. Use what you need when you need it.  How would you set boundaries with your kids or your employees?"

    "Clearly not knowing what else to do Avery draws on the desparate anger she uses when exhausted, backed to the wall. "NO!" she se shouts, pushing both hands into Ernie's face. He reacts as you might if your favorite Aunt Millicent pulled a gun on you.  Leaping backward and spinning, he tears around the pen. Avery tries to slow him down by running at him, waving her hands. Ernie spins, spraying dirt, his hooves like thunder on the ground."

    "Help!" Avery shouts."

    Koelle has already stepped into the pen. She puts a hand on Avery's shoulder , breathing deeply and slowly. Immediately, Avery seems calmer. Koelle drops her eyes and gently raises her free hand, and Ernie slows to a trot, then to walk. Avery stares in disbelief."

    "So," says Koelle, "When you set a boundary, is that pretty much how your kids and employees react, too?"

    "Avery bursts out laughing, "Pretty much."

    "We call that the exploding-doormat effect," I interject. You hold in your unhappiness until it's intolerable, then you blow up."

    "That's what my mom always did." Avery says. "I didn't realize I was doing it too."

    "You do what you were trained to do," says Koelle."

     

    And further down in the article…..I love this part too.


    "Why don't you suggest going for a walk together?" suggest Koelle.

    "Avery takes a few steps, ad Ernie follows – until Avery tenses up and looks behind her. Then Ernie stops, snaps back his head."

    "Were you afraid he wouldn't stay with you?" asks Koelle."

    "Yes."

    "Your fear scared him. And your need for him to follow feels icky-sticky, and clingy. If you're to lead, believe that he'll follow."  Martha Beck

     

    It is my humble belief, that in the churches such as the FALC, OALC, etc, we lose our horse sense, even worse than just the run of the mill family preferences. And, if you were abused, even more.

    That we have to learn how to speak the unspoken language of self. The feelings and truth that have been buried underneath layers of religious and family beliefs.

    Finding your horse sense will be to live freely as who you are.



  • Fight the battle of Abuse alone.

    "You can read and intellectualize the idea of rewiring your mind all you like, but you need to set the process in motion if you want to see results."

      Baron Baptiste

    We can talk about changes that need to occurr and incidences that 'should' not be happening, but until we actually move in a new direction it is just air passing between our lips.  Nothing happens, until we move.

    I can hear stories of abuse and the churches lack of responses, or their lack of education and resources; but it is all for naught, if the people are unwilling to move in a new direction.

    I believe that many believe they "think" just like me, or "believe" just like me, that they do not condone or support abusers, and their lips tell me so…but their body moves in mysterious ways.

    Intuitively I knew that my footsteps would follow my mother's IF I did not walk differently.  If I did not approach or face abuse…radically.

    There just didn't seem to be a way to approach abuse in kind and gentle way, holding on to all relationships tied to it.  I know the churches, preach forgiveness, kindness and love…and prayer.  And, if it worked, there would be no abuse.

    The shift that needs is on the other end of the spectrum.  It isn't about loving those who hurt you, but loving yourself enough to NOT be hurt.

    Churches want to maintain their ideology and sentiments and their whole package and ways of treating 'sin'…while simultaneously taking a tough stand against abuse.

    I have spoken to a woman of the OALC, and she has spoken to a preacher there, and supposedly, he will speak to the Elders to see what to do about abuse.

    Doesn't it seem like it is a no brainer?  That a child would be able to tell you what to do. That it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that when a grown adult man rapes a child, what we all need to do.

    While we are all passing air through our lips, the children fight the battle of abuse alone.

     

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     (My new fall color Lady…moving with confidence in a new direction)

  • Light is back on.

    The difference between the Self that I am today and the one I was before I recognized my sexual abuse, is like night and day, literally Light and Dark.  

    It is hard to recognize the old me, whose insides were so dark, while trying so hard to shine bright.  My own awareness unaware of who I was and what I had experienced and its consequences.  Living lie, unaware…in denial.  

    You would think, that I would have been shining inside, since I did not know know.

    That I would FEEL innocent, if my mind didn't record the abuse. But, there was an inner feeling of not being good enough, always. That I couldn't pull off what others expected of me.

    What I didn't realize, is that they wanted me to be un-abused…to be un-disturbed.

    And, there aren't enough dances to dance or things to change, that will un-do sexual abuse.  

    This inner feelings of not being able to satisfy or that just being me wasn't enough, had me unhappy with myself, instead of unhappy with the outside.

    Once, I fully embraced my sexual abuse, I was able to feel bright inside.

    You would think, it would devast and wreck your insides, but instead I felt Right for the first time in my life.  I made sense.  My whole world made sense.  Folks and feelings matched.

    I could never be good enough for them, for I could never not be abused, and that is what they wanted.

    While again, riding my lawn mower, I replayed an earlier conversation, about my responses to the different things my children have experienced.  And, I found I have a inner scale upon which I weigh their choices.  If their spirits are happy, life is good…no worries.  If their inner light goes dark, I am on high alert.  

    I have no standards or set desires for them.  I don't have perferences and choices that will make me happier or make me dark….all I have is one indicator light that I watch, "is their spirit happy"?

    It is my belief, that sexual abuse, physical abuse, touches our soul.  It changes it from light to dark.  It wounds our love, peace and joy.  It tears the innocence of trust and darkens our worlds.

    It isn't that we turn dark, but our worlds do.  

    Something has changed in our worlds. 

    I was going to write, when parents miss the spirit's light dimming, we slip into a dark world…trying to make it right.  But, often IT is the parents that are doing the abusing.

    What needs to happen is someone has to recognize the dark world of abuse that lives in so many lives of children. We keep focusing on the child, when we need to see the adult lives with whom they live.

    And, I am not so certain, you can see the Spirit Light indicator, if you own light is dark.

    I know, that as a mom, I am now able to rightly see what is dark and what is light…now that my inner light is back on.
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  • Our Churches

    My mind has been twisting around the ideas of not speaking up, not naming names, well pretty much not telling on someone… and the word secret rang out each time.  
     I couldn't find a word of silence that was helpful for the victims and damning to the abuser.  Just damning for the victim…in silence.
     
    My list for the victim remained empty, while the abuser had a laundry list of reason he would perfer silence.
     
    While mowing tonight, I wondered, what is the real definition of a secret….and here it is.

    Secret,

    Adjective
    Not known or seen or not meant to be known or seen by others: "a secret plan".
     
    Noun

    Something that is kept or meant to be kept unknown or unseen by others: "a state secret".

    In the context of abuser/victim, what needs or wants to remain unknow?  

    We all know the answer…it is the inappropriate sexual acts, the sexual misconduct, the child raping that is going on.  There are not positive secrets that want to remain hidden and unknow, but rather all the negative things that are to be kept UNKNOWN.

    It is far more crucial for the abuser that silence surround this 'issue'. As far as I can tell, He/She is the only one who benefits.  

    I am not sure if folks realize that you are actually part of the act, part of the event when you know and say nothing.  You are the chorus, the backup non-voices in the silence…keeping the crime from being known.  

    How is it beneficial to anyone to keep abuse a secret.

    AND, if this secret keeping business worked in regards to abuse, abuse would be eradicated from our societies, instead it is spreading beyond what our minds can hold.  

    Keeping secrets about abuse only helps the abuser continue on unchecked.

    While talking to a reporter, she mentioned how in prisons, the people who commit crimes, especially sex crimes, against children are often sought out and punished, segregated and seen as the lowest of criminals.  Imagine, the prisoners know and stand against these guys, while the free 'good' folks will sit with them in churches.

    It is wildly insane that even the criminals know enough to part ways….and yet so many 'good' christians are unwilling to see these guys in their true colors. Unwilling to face their crimes, instead pretend that all is well. Or at least Act like they are the upstanding citizens in our society.

    In fact, there seems to be more truth in prison than in our churches.

  • I Was Once a Victim Too // News // Notre Dame Magazine // University of Notre Dame

    I Was Once a Victim Too // News // Notre Dame Magazine // University of Notre Dame.

    This article is well written and shows how the church ‘deals’ with abuse….and how there is a better way.

    I highly recommend reading it.  It is long, but filled with pertinent information that will inspire and shed light upon how the church has managed to keep it stuck.

  • Reasons for silence…

    Here is a comment from my last post.  I wanted to re-post it here and along with my comment…

    "While I understand your circumstances left you deeply wounded, abuse situations vary greatly. There are legitimate reasons for not pushing for transparency.

    "One is legal. Minor's identities are protected by law. When they are an adult, they can make the choice but it should not be made for them nor should they be pressured when they aren't aware of all the ramifications."

    "Another is ethical. Allowing the victim control over the case honors their autonomy, which was ripped away by the crime." 

    "A third is strategic. During an abuse investigation, the threat of exposure can be a significant motivation for the abuser to cooperate. Attorneys often withhold details as bargaining chips. "

    "I'm sure there are other reasons, too . . . . these are just the ones of which I'm aware."

    "I agree that the response you give when you hear about another's abuse is important, that abuse should be exposed, and abusers should be named and shamed. But the methods and timing will vary with the circumstances, and the victim should have as much control as possible."  Free

    I appreciate Free commenting and being so detailed in her reasoning, helping us all see things differently…but, I am not so much deeply wounded, but wise.

    Or at least I feel less wounded and more aware.  And, maybe being wounded means you are experienced in the aftermath of abuse.

    While I do appreciate your reasons, I am also aware that there will always be reasons to be silent.  It typically starts with the abuser. Then, not wanting to hurt the family or friends, or church or something. Like our words will be the kill joy to so much.  And, then the lawyers have reasons….it goes on and on.

    I am not suggesting children of abuse, adult or otherwise, do things they don't want to do, but I am suggesting the freedom that comes when you no longer live with secrets.

    It somehow feels wrong that "threat for exposure" be a tool….to bargain with.  It should be mandatory to be exposed.  It is like the law is helping with the silence.

    Maybe I am wrong and I just don't get it or refuse to see the details but some of the reasons just don't make sense to me.

    The whole culture of 'protecting the victims rights' seems backwards.  

    Our rights is to have the truth be told.  That even newspapers are not allowed to print the victims names.  This hiding of us, makes it seem shameful to be abused…like it is best others NOT know.

    Whispering and keeping it quiet makes it shameful.

    What other crimes are treated this way???

    None.

    And, these are extremely intimate, BUT not secretive…or yes done in the dark, but they are not something WE Victims should be silent about.

    This whole cultural thing of silence and privacy makes it seem like we are part of something bad, like when do we get to be out and loud?

    To me, we need to flip this around completely.  

    Not only within our families, but within churches and the courts of the land.

    How dare the lawyers use the "Threat of exposure" as a bargain tool…it should be a given…you do sex crimes we will speak up.

    The victims need for being anonymous would be null and void, if we didn't treat these crimes so differently.  How often do you hear of theft, and burglary as something shameful?

    Why are sex crimes so secretive?  It seems they start out in secret and get left in that mode.  I am just trying to open them up…to free them from the silence.

    And, I know no matter how hard I try to do this, there will be reasons for silence…


  • Believe Us.

    What is traumatizing and what is healing, when it comes to abuse; sex crimes? What is helpful and what is not?  When should the discussion be silenced and what will empower the victim?  I lean far into breaking the silence.  And, what does breaking the silence mean?

    Does it mean using anonymous when speaking of your sex crime?  Does it mean keeping the abusers name from being spoken? What is breaking the silence IF it isn't saying what happened and by whom?

    Somehow I am missing something, failing to recognize another way of healing of keeping silent.  To me, silence is the way it has been, the pattern that allows victims to be victimized and abusers to abuse.  It is the wall of protection FOR the ABUSER and it works brilliantly.

    I also wonder about some feeling it is too traumatizing to speak out, to use your name and name the abuser.  Is it the speaking out, OR the onslought of defending responses of the abuser?  Is it NOT the speaking out that is the trouble but who you speak out to.  

    My family of origin have not been eager listeners when I have spoken out.  They did not want to hear about my father's sex crimes or treat him like a criminal…so they instead treated me as such, in order to maintain their family.

    I am not sure the speaking out is traumatic when and if you have support, but it will definitely be if you have family who wants family above all else….and that means above the crime that has been done to you.

    It is my humble opinion, that speaking out and calling monsters monsters isn't where the trouble lies, but rather in the reactions and responses of those listening.

    We keep wanting the victims to speak a certain way, but say nothing about those listening.

    What good does it do to not know that many in the family are not supporting you?

    They are not supporting you when they defend a father, act like he still is one…instead of the master mind of sexual crimes.

    The second trauma to the victim IS the response of not acting like he is a criminal.

    To me, this is equally as traumatizing as the first offense…and this is what the fear is for new victims, that they can't articulate good enough to change people's minds and behaviors.

    What most fail to consider is how when they continue to treat the abuser as normal, and what it does to the victims.

    We want to "protect" the victims by not advocating breaking the silence…for we know that they will not all be believed, that folks will not all fall into line behind them, naturally. 

    Our greatest fear isn't about the sex crime and the criminal, but about the silence and disbelief of the 'good' folks.

    It is traumatizing to see the abuser surrounded by family.

    Many will claim many things as to why and it now falls upon our deaf ears.  

    Is there really a good enough reason to do anything for those who abuse children with sexual acts?  Really?  What reason can there possibly be for doing anything for them after that?

    I witnessed some bring him a cognac, paying his defense fees, bringing him tobacco, gathering his things, driving him to Texas, allowing him a lesser sentence, offering him free rent, giving him a home, bringing him food, etc, etc. Treating him not like the monster he was, but like the father they needed.

    So, as some want to caution me about "Asking" others to break the silence, to speak the truth, to call him a monster etc…..it isn't about saying your name, your crime against you OR even the abusers name, It is about you having to change your world.

    You don't want the silence to be broken for you don't want the relationship to break.

    Breaking the silence means breaking the family.

    And, it will be traumatizing. But, is it not better than believing you have a loving family when what you have is one which supports abuse?

    Children who are sexually abused lose their own sense of innocence, but they also lose their sense of security and family love.  For most children do tell, but they are not heard.  

    In my father's case most of the children did tell.  Fathers did not listen. Mothers did not listen. Preachers did not listen.

    We as a society are not used to hearing what is told by a child…especially if it is against a family member.  I was big and loud and articulate and still my family marched on.  Criminal behavior was supported by their actions.

    Perhaps the message isn't then breaking the silence as much as it is willing to hear the child.  Hear and response in a way that clearly states, I do not support sexual crimes…no matter what.

    One of the loudest messages I was given was "Family is Family NO MATTER WHAT."  And, when sex crimes come, family was stronger. It held together no matter what words I used or how I strung them together.

    The response you give when you hear about another's abuse can either be the second trauma or the healing balm.

    The healing balm is to have others believe us.



  • Signpost of Abuse

    In the definition of Borderline Personality disorder, the term "Disturbed Child" was used…in a way that allowed me to see how you would feel within this disorder. How you swing from an adult into a disturbed child…mostly when there is chaos or stress.

    And then I wondered about the cause or start of this condition, "How did the child become disturbed?"  

    I looked up the word "Disturbed".

    "Having had its normal pattern or function disrupted."

    "to intrude on; interrupt; to destroy or interrupt the quietness or peace of; to disarrange; muddle; often passive to upset or agitate; trouble…"

    "marked by symptoms of mental illness: a disturbed personality. 2. agitated or distressed; disrupted: disturbed seas; a disturbed situation. noun

    We often see a disturbed child, but not what has set it spinning.

    What intruded or interrupted their peace and quiet?  What came into their worlds and stole their innocence?  And, how do you get them back to being 'undisturbed'?  Is that even possible?

    While some see the disturbed child, I see the disturbed adult.  I see the abuser entering into the child's peace.  

    I see the family destroyed by the abuser, by shattering the peace and safety of family.  

    I see others holding on to 'family' like it is a life line to their own sense of peace.

    I also wonder, if you are born into disturbance, how do you discern disturbance?

    What I didn't know was peace.  

    I didn't know how it felt to be completely filled with resting peace and not be shocked awake in the middle of night with terror, to always feel that 'something' isn't right, but not know what that something was.  To not feel like I should be doing more or trying harder, or not good enough….to not be at peace with who I am and the choices I made.

    Also, I experienced the behaviors of being a disturbed child as an adult…as a mom. I could go from zero to 60 in seconds, from in control to completely out of control, when things did not go according to my plan. 

    I did not know that getting this disturbed child self inside me under control, had more to do with getting me to see the disturbed family I was born into…than to curbing my rage and anger.  

    Once I understood the churning waters of incest…I felt better inside.  I no longer expected me to make that normal or to fit into it…or change it.  I accepted my past and began moving away from things that disturbed my inner peace.

    I love that I no longer have to tolerate or put up with disturbing folks.  And, that I have a keen feeling of what disturbs my peace…and the right to say no to what doesn't feel right to me.

    As a child who suffers incest, you have nowhere to go to escape…especially when all the adults around you want to maintain normal.  

    Whether it is family or church, most will fight to defend it and discount any disturbance that is contradictory to what they believe.

    It continues to boggle my mind the extent people will go to to not know…to overlook each new disturbance that comes in, each piece of evidence that would rock their world…as to not require them to make changes or look deeply into relationships and beliefs.

    How they hold on tighter and blame the disturbance on those who dare speak.

    I feel and have felt that I am a complete disturbance….the cause rather than one who has experienced a disturbed father and mother. That I am more to blame for the family being torn apart or the estrangement.  Yet remember that estrangement means "alienation: separation resulting from hostility."

    I didn't move away because I am disturbed, but rather that our family is.

    It wasn't that I moved from love or peace, but away from the disturbance.

    It has been helpful to the disturbed child in me to literally be able to walk away…what I could not do as a child.

    I also believe, whether you see the disturbance or not, you will feel the affects…the disturbance will brew inside of you, a time bomb waiting to explode…a pit in your gut waiting to be soothed by something.  Perhaps what you don't see outside manifests itself inside.

    What we label as a disturbed child is literally a sign that there is someone/thing that is disturbing the family.  They are but a signpost of abuse.

  • The Right to do what you want.

    We left the 4th behind us and I wonder how we all look at freedom, how we attempt to attain it and how we need others to get it.  Freedom, personal freedom isn't that easy to navigate…especially when you have deep ingrown roots of the FALC.

    What is the definition of freedom?

    "The power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hinderance or restraint."

     "Absence of subjection to foreign domination or despotic government."

    I see religion taking away the freedom to act, speak or think….and how do they restrain us?  By putting in the fear of Hell or the wrath of God.

    When we think of freedom we seldom appreciate the lack of our own personal freedoms in our daily lives.  How we have given up our power to speak our minds, to question others, and to act differently than we were raised.  

    We mostly think of the 4th of July, the day of Independence to be a free country, but never look deeply at all the ways we have given up our personal independence of being our self, of speaking our truths, of following others for peace, and even love.

    But, to me, love and freedom are one and the same.

    I don't believe you can have love if you are not free.

    I feel that I am free…or at least less bound by other's good opinion of what is good for me, right for me, and there are very little if any strings that are making me move…I feel independent.

    And, what I discovered in yoga today, that I used to do yoga to rid myself of pain, that it was a healing tool.  Now, while there is still some pain to work through, I am using it to build me.  

    It is like so many choices were to gain my freedom, that I wasn't looking to build a self.

    Life seems to keep giving me things to free me more and to make me stronger; all the parts that are not free are coming forth to be looked at and worked on.

    Each time I feel stress and angst, it is when a part of me is not free.  When I sit in that, I find the answers that free me.

    Being freely myself allows those around me to be freely themselves.  We then all have the right to move towards or away from each other.  

    This to me is the greatest gift to your self, the right to do what you want.