I M Perfect lady

I'm perfect – it's impossible not to be.

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about – A Fiber Artist -passionate about women empowering.

  • Expanded River

     Flooding reflections…taken early this morning.

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    I love the colors early in the morning…or perhaps, the lack thereof.


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    The 'sides' are melting, and there is a rock solid base in the middle….My favorite photograph spot this Spring.


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    Here is what our road looked like as I drove home from work. The right side is a field, and of course I am driving on the road….off to the left is the overflowing river.


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    and, as I approached our driveway…the river has leaked into our yard.

    While driving today, I did notice that there is water running, but not rushing, that the flow has slowed down.  I am not sure if the river has crested, but I am hoping so.

    Our home is up on a knoll, so it will remain dry….and our backyard also has dried up nicely, where our septic field is.  Mostly the river is leaking out of the river bends, flooding the road.


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    Water is flowing out of the river and onto the road….and, I wonder how many fish, snappy turtles etc…are enjoying their expanded river!

  • On the Fault Line.

    My mother turned 80 today, or so I was told.  I have lost track of her age, as well of her life.  She seems a mirage out on the far horizon, behind me…detached from daily emotions. But, I do know, if I were to be in her presence, a multitude of feelings would rush through my body.  Not the waterfall of love, light and comfort, but the opposite.  

    I wonder if I will ever be able to feel neutral, nothing, no ripple, to be 'social'.

    In the Fall, my middle daughter will marry….and she (my mother) is invited.  It is only for one day, a few hours, a fleeting moment in time, yet a special loving one for my daughter and our family.  Interesting to be part of a Mother/Daughter moment…one being the daughter and the other the mother….

    My daughter is free to invite whom she wants at her wedding…some of which will be hard for me to be around. Perhaps hard is not the accurate word…but difficult or challenging…

    I have a hard time seeing her role there.  I understand 'grandmother' is her title and right…and yet I don't see her as that.

    My daughter sees a grandmother, I see an accomplice…an active participant to abuse of many little girls.  I can't feel warm, fuzzy or ap-pathetic towards her or even neutral and social.  My vision of her, my memories are tainted, sordid…unkind. I don't feel her like a grandmother, a safe place, kind heart and comfort.  I feel her as painful, hurt, uncaring, not kind, psychotic.

    The contrast of emotions set forth for that day boggle my mind…how to anticipate, look forward to such contrasts of emotions…to be in the middle between my daughter and I and my mother and I?

    Harsh cold on one side and warm love on the other…

    I know my role is mother of the bride, not daughter.

    I am to place my estrangement with my mother off to the side.

    My estrangement with my siblings as some will find the need to attend.

    I am to keep facing the future and love.

    It is like a real life event of what goes on in our psyches…the negative energies begging to be on stage front and center…and loving kindness, peace, love and joy.

    Just as today, her birthday, I turn away from the past and lean into my life of estrangement but not to be overwhelmed with negative emotions.  Not to get caught up on the thoughts of her…and to see instead the wonder and beauty of this spring. To feel the peace in my home, to well up with emotions of love towards my husband and children…looking ahead, and not behind.

    Estrangement means you will sometimes be on the fault line…


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  • Life on the river…

    Signs of Spring are everywhere.  

    My son's truck…unable to resist mud puddles.  He is one of the many who are excited to see all the water over the road. Traffic was very high along the river yesterday.


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    And, there is still plenty to melt…and more fun to be had!  The river hasn't overflowed its banks yet, and our yard is under water.  And, they haven't opened up the dam further up the river…so, things may change in the next few days.

     


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    …a Flood Warning is in effect until 8pm on Thursday.  Life on the river.

  • Winter Art

    Winter's Art is not finished…even though many are ready for Spring like pictures to appear, I love what I seen today as I drove to work.


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    What a great shot…

    I believe the chair was there to stop people from driving and making their driveway muddy….but with a layer of fresh fallen snow, it becomes Art.


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    Further down the road….by the little bridge, this view appeared.


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    This is where the slews flow into the river…a few ducks have been hanging around here…


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    And, the mailman road had more water….today.


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    And, there still is plenty of snow to add to this flooding road!

    There are signs of Spring….see the buds beneath the snow?


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    It may be the last of Winter Art.

  • Living Self

    I wonder how this weather is a metaphor for life, in how we have an idea of how things should be, compared to how they are.  Instead of being disappointed with each day, what would happen if you accepted what is…with either enthusiasm, enjoyment or the very least of all Acceptance?

    The weather is always right and true…and it cares not a wit what we want or desire, it just is…or does what it does given the right conditions.  

    I had to marvel at yesterday; we had beautiful sunshine, windy winds, beady snow, rain, cloudy grey skies…fast moving clouds, snow going and snow coming, river rising, mud puddles frozen, mud puddles wet….many types in one short day.

    Wanting it to stay and not change is a futile act…it carried on mindless to your desire or need.

    To me, it shows the power of the Universe and our smallness.

    It shows the insanity of wanting something different than what is.

    It is giving us the opportunity each day to learn how to follow and not lead, to accept and not resist and to make the best of each moment…and to not let outside events affect our inner climate.

    While we whine and holler about the outer climate, we neglect how we feel inside…or we easily allow the outside to come inside…instead of learning how to keep our inner sun shining.

    Gratitude is sunshine.

    Whining is grey clouds.

    Joy is sunshine…doing what you love, sunshine.

    Complaining is heavy weather…biting winds.

    Being with people you love, bright skies…etc

    So, while the weather outside changed hour by hour yesterday, I was in my own little world, doing what I love….what brought me peace and inner sunshine.

    Living separated from the elements is also to live separated from others…meaning needing them to change in order to be happy or at peace.

    I love the power of nature to be who she is and to change on a dime, to boldly be…to live with change and uncertainty…fearlessly, and heedlessly, of others approval.

    It is Earth Day today…be inspired to boldly live as nature. To express all your emotions and feelings; to say what you need to say, to be who you need to be, and to do what you love to do…regardless of how it is seen by others.

    Happy Earth Day…let her be as she is…a vast living Self.


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  • Ties that bind us.

    It is National Child Abuse Prevention Month, and we tend to focus on what the child needs to do; to speak, to tell, to know good touch/bad touch…when we as adults fail to do the same.

    What are your boundaries and how often do you speak up?

    When someone crosses your line, how do you respond?

    How are our children going to learn abuse prevention, when most of us live allowing abuse.

    So often we hear what is abuse and how the child needs to have the courage to tell and to keep telling until someone listens.

    Do you realize how deaf most of us would be?  How we would defend and stand for what we believe is the character of the people the children are speaking against?

    What I know, as an adult child who has spoken, who is telling, is the direct blowback from people who knew my father and had relationships with him.  It wasn't eagerly and nicely accepted.  My word wasn't seen as courageous, but rather insane.

    Again, 90% of abuse happens with someone we know….and 50% with family.  So instead, we as the listening adults, have to create a landscape inclusive to listening and not defending.

    I know the sentiment of the religious culture is to forgive and forget and to let God judge, meanwhile continue in the relationship….be loving.  A child who is raised in this environment, has no one to hear and stand with them AGAINST abuse, but rather boat loads who stand with.

    In my experience, my speaking as the voice of the victim, has not be popular or liked.  AND, if I an semi-articulate adult is treated this way, how will a small child traverse these waters?

    Child abuse will not end until we as a culture refine our belief systems.  We will have to be willing to cut off relationships and put up boundaries towards people who hurt children.

    The line drawn has to be by us, not by the child.

    The child will then have a person who they know will stand against abuse and not allow it.

    Preventing child abuse will only come when good people put up boundaries and not before.  Without boundaries WHO will keep the children safe?  

    It doesn't matter at all HOW much we tell the children to tell and speak up, there has to be someone they know who will keep them safe and not have dinner with their abusers, go to church, smile and say hi, to spend holidays with them….what a confusing message we are sending.

    I see child abuse prevention starting with you.  What are your boundaries that will ward off evil?  What is your line in the sand and how secure is it?  Do you ever say no?  Are you held in place by 'family' ties?

    To me, if 50% of abuse happens within families, than 50% of the people will have to break family ties in order to stand against.  AND, 90% will have to break the ties of friendship.

    The thing that stands in the way of child abuse prevention is our lack of breaking the ties that bind us.

     

  • Landscape of change.

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    If you look across the river you can see a pair of Sand Hill Cranes… I seen them yesterday on my way to work.

    And, nearing the end of my route, a flock of wild turkeys crossed the road in front of me.


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    The turkeys have been here all winter, the Cranes are back for the summer…sure signs that our weather is changing.  

    I love how the birds don't wait for the right weather, they come back at their usual time…and make adjustments.  The weather rides along with them…and doesn't hold them hostage like it often does us.

    One good thing about the LONG winter/spring we are having is no dusty roads!

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    I feel like I am mud bogging each day.  The river is rising, the snow banks are falling, (and sometimes more snow) but imagine the world with no change.


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    With roads being the same…no new birds, no seasonal changes, no bright days and no cloud formations…or no new mud holes.  Each day offers us a new landscape of change.

  • As Art

    I have experienced creativity at a deep level, a healing level, but I could not have pinpointed what it healed, why or how. I just knew that Art Quilting was key in making me feel better…I can see how it had its hand in helping me become more wholehearted…or perhaps to hold my heart, while my life was falling apart…and continued on expressing me.

    In reading "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown, she talks about Wholehearted people and what role creativity plays.

    "Let me sum up what I've learned about creativity from the world of Wholehearted living and loving:

    1. "I'm not very creative" doesn't work. There's no such thing as creative people and non-creative people. There are only people who use their creativity and people who don't.  Unused creativity doesn't just disappear. It lives within us until it's expressed, neglected to death, or suffocated by resentment and fear.
    2. The only unique contribution that we will ever make in this world will be born of our creativity. 
    3. If we want to make meaning, we need to make art. Cook, write, doodle, paint, scrapbook, take pictures, collage, knit, rebuild an engine, sculpt, dance, decorate, act, sing -it doesn't matter. As long as we're creating, we're cultivating meaning.

    "I also realized that much of what I do in my work is creative work.  Writer William Plomer describes creativity as "the power to connect the seemingly unconnected."  My work is all about making connections, so part of my transformation was owning and celebrating my existing creativity."

    "Letting go of comparison is not a to-do list item.  For most of us, it's something that requires constant awareness.  It's so easy to take our eyes off our path to check out what others are doing and if they're ahead or behind us. Creativity, which is the expression of our originality, helps us stay mindful that what we bring to the world is completely original and cannot be compared. And, without comparison, concepts like ahead or behind, or best or worst lose their meaning." 

    "If creativity is seen as a luxury or something we do when we have spare time, it will never be cultivated.  I carve out time each week to take and process photographs, make movies, and do art projects with the kids. When I make creating a priority, everything in my life works better."  Brene 

    I know being creative or continuing to quilt when my life was falling apart was crucial, but what I couldn't articulate was why.  It brought meaning, expression and a familiar place I could be me without judgment or ridicule and anger.

    Most folks have a hard time presenting their Art, for they fear the critics.  My critics were in my personal life, like it itself was a work of art, open to criticism…and my quilted art was ignored.

    I was more expressive and controversial in my daily living life and it was totally reflected in my art….yet my life was actually leading the charge.

    The harshest critics I have faced are related to me…

    To live wholehearted, to be vulnerable, open and expressive of your emotions and feelings, you will be living, loving wholeheartedly.  

    I don't know what I thought wholehearted living was in the past, perhaps a pure, kind and nice person…maybe embracing of all things, accepting without limits.

    Now, I view it totally different.  I see it as being honest and sparing no feelings, not yours and certainly not theirs.  To live with your whole heart means to go where it is uncomfortable and to erect boundaries, to walk away with your whole heart instead of allowing others to rip it apart.

    Wholehearted living is a work of art itself…it will cause controversary, it will not be easy, and yet it will bring back into yourself your whole heart.  

    While I was bringing my heart back to me…I would return to quilting where my free and open heart could play without fear of rejection.  Creativity was a safe place to express me….to be me. 

    “Here's what is truly at the heart of wholeheartedness: Worthy now, not if, not when, we're worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is.” 

    When I was rejected on the outside, I was welcomed in my Art.

    It didn't care about the tough choices I was making in my real life, it didn't want or need me to be different than I was, it accepted me as I am.  And, through creativity I accepted me as Art.


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  • Day at the Beach

    Oblivious to the beautiful sunshine, melting the snow, 
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    I was in the basement adding finishing touches on my latest Beach Lady.


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    Perspective is hard to create, knowing the size in comparison, but maybe content trumps perspective.


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    Or color, expression…push exact composition aside.  I love the energy and 

    image of summer relaxation.  The pink/white fabric was a perfect finish…and actually I had this spotted before I started on the inside, once I knew how the border looked, I could add other mismatched colors on the inside.


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    These were taken in the shade, but in order to see the quilting, sunshine is needed….


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    All in all, she was a fun day at the beach.  

     

  • Please themselves.

    Here is another interesting piece from Brene Brown on Perfectionism.

    "PS – Shame and perfectionism aren't related, are they?"

    "I emailed her back and explained the relationship between shame and perfectionism: Where perfectionism exists, shame is always lurking.  In fact, shame is the birthplace of perfectionism."

    "I lover her response: "You minght want to talk about that before WE start the read-along.  My friends and I know that we struggle with perfectionism, but we don't claim shame."

    "We don't claim shame.  You can't believe how many times I've heard that.  I know shame is a daunting word. The problem is that when we don't claim shame, it claims us.  And one of the ways it sneaks into our lives is through perfectionism."

    "As a recovering perfectionist and an aspiring good-enoughist, I've found it extremely helpful to bust some of the myths about perfectionism so that we can develop a definition that accurately captures what it is and what it does to our lives."

    • Perfectionism is not the same as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect,and act perfect, we can minimize and avoid the pain of blame, judgment and shame. It's a shield. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it's the thing that's really preventing us from taking flight.
    • Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance. Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people pleasing, appearance, sports).  Somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please.  Perform. Perfect.  Healthy striving is self focused – How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused – What will they think?"

    "Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfection is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success.  In fact, it's often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life-paralysis.  Life-paralysis refers to all of the opportunities we miss because we're too afraid to put anything out in the world that could be imperfect. It's also the dreams that we don't follow because of our deep fear of failing, making mistakes, and disappointing others. It's terrifying to risk when you're a perfectionist; your self worth is on the line."  Brene Brown, from her book, "The Gift of Imperfection"

    What I knew, but didn't know, was that perfectionism is a sign of shame.  And when I embraced my imperfections, I became perfect.

    It seems that we were sold on the opposite.  That if you show your imperfections you will feel shame, and oddly, it is when you don't that you do.

    When you don't claim your shame, you will hide behind perfection…Interesting we can claim our perfectionism, but not the underlying energy….Shame.

    I knew there was fear in perfectionism and even paralyzing affects, but I didn't know that it was shame based.

    There is a vast ocean of difference between improving for your self or doing it for approval of others.  To be relaxed in an imperfect life or anxiously trying to keep up the perfect image.

    It was a huge blessing to have been involved in a scandal that I was unable to shine into perfection…for it freed me to embrace my self and to get out from under the life of pleasing others.  When you are ostracized on the outside, it is easier to focus on just you. There was no one out there to please anymore…so I just please myself.

    If Imperfection is the art of being you…it would make Perfection the art of being what others need you to be.  

    When I began to please myself, I was able to let others please themselves.