I M Perfect lady

Tag: 60-day Bikram Challenge

  • I Did It!

    It was a photo finish; my 60-day yoga challenge ended about the same time my co-dependent life challenge stopped or was recognized deeply.

     

    I looked up the word co-dependent.

     

    co·de·pen·dent ( kō ' dĭ-pĕn ' dənt ) adj. Mutually dependent. Of or relating to a relationship in which one person is psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way…

     

    Psychologically dependent, is a huge concept that I wasn’t aware of, yet I acted it out daily.

     

    It isn’t like it is my first thought, but it is a humming that goes on in the background, an unease to stand alone without support, hence ‘co-dependent’!

     

    What is even more odd is that if you get support, your mind will tell you that you need ‘everybodies’ support and it picks apart those who don’t support, in word and deed, your latest adventure.

     

    On the eve of this Challenge ending, I say to my husband, “tomorrow is my 60th day of yoga, 60 days in a row,” to which he replies, “oh” and goes back to his reading.

     

    Well, my mind, my little co-dependent mind was given a huge gift in that one little word and no gesture, it ran scenarios for at least an hour, while I tossed and turned trying to calm down to rest.

     

    I finally did yoga breathing in and out, and said to myself, “there will be an answer, let it be,”  in hopes that during the night, or during yoga something would come to me.

     

    My co-dependent mind attacks first the person who it feels should be saying doing and being something for me. 

     

    Yet reality showed me a man calmly reading his magazine, not one who hated me, my yoga, my life etc, just a man calmly enjoying his life.

     

    So, inward my eyes turned, tuning into my feelings, my needs, my cravings, and my desires outside of myself for “good girl”! 

     

    How was it that I and I alone can’t be enough for me?

     

    As I did my yoga today, there was sadness for the girl who isn’t enough by herself for herself, alone.

     

    And ironically, by doing this yoga for 60 days in a row I have been strengthening myself, growing stronger and more balanced alone, I am a whole me, even one who is working to get free of co-dependency.

     

    I also felt the flip side of how I turned on my husband when he didn’t voice a great cheer for me, how instead of love flowing towards him, I had anger.

     

    Anger because HE wasn’t using his voice to cheer me, HIS actions were not supportive enough, he doesn’t see me, etc.

     

    (I was wise enough to keep the words/thoughts to myself, until I had a firm answer.)

     

    Again I had to let him go free, to be a man sitting in a chair reading what IS interesting to HIM.

     

    Imagine!  And guess what, I can freely do my yoga.  He isn’t telling me lift that leg higher, stay in that posture longer and then mad when I can’t or telling me I am not allowed to change and become a yoga lady.

     

    That damn co-dependent mind.  It is that mind that this yoga works the best on, it will take that mind and bring it back to reality.

     

    A boy in a chair reading what he loves, and a girl in the basement doing yoga that she needs in order to set them both free.

     

    Free from the psychological dependency in an unhealthy way.  It is unhealthy and leaves me less than, and leaves him leaving his life to be in mine.

     

    There is only room on the yoga mat for one, me!

    It is a solo dance. 

    I am learning how to live alone.

    You are right Mr. Bikram.

    Yoga makes you you!

     

    My one voice is a cheer enough.

    I did it! 

     

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  • Slowly Growing Lighter…

    Today is the 28th day; imagine just two away from being halfway to a milestone we agreed upon, close to the top and the down hill slope.

     

    I am very aware that we have others who began this journey a week or more behind us, and I feel right now that I will continue doing this until all have crossed the line of 60, so no one is doing this alone. 

     

    I still feel inept and struggle while doing the yoga, but I have yet to have a real battle about whether to do it or not.  Now, having said that, next week I work each day, let’s see what tune I am singing then! 

     

    It doesn’t feel like a burden in my life, like it is a harsh punishment, or something that weighs heavy on me, like guilt.

     

    Just being in the process of improving has lightened my load.

     

    Maybe I feel the absence of guilt more than the benefits of yoga; the weight of negative saturation has lifted, my life feels lighter, freer and brighter.

     

    It is like I wore my bulk of negative feelings, wrapped around me smothering my body making it difficult to move freely.

     

    I wonder if there is an actual time that passes before the body feels the total affect of no longer carrying around bad self-talk and guilt, where the accumulations disappear?

     

    If I can feel a lighter me, one that is more opaque then dense, I am certain the body feels this too, and the changes are occurring inside.

     

    Slowly growing lighter…

     

     

  • Growing Me.

    I made it 20 days, a third of the way there, and I wish I had rose colored glasses that would allow me to be fooled that there will be magic at 60.

     

    Sixty will just be sixty days; just as twenty days is twenty days. 

     

    I can’t fool myself that this challenge will bring me a new body and life, but rather I know this challenge has gotten me doing what I knew I needed to do, daily.

     

    Yes, I am happy I have 20 days of giving my body what it desperately needed, 20 days where my mind sat in the backseat mumbling weak complaints, 20 days where I focused and gave 110% of my attention to me, it shows me that if you set your intentions, it can happen.

     

    I guess my fear is that I will stop, IF I pay too close attention to the numbers, and not look at me.  Afraid that once I hit the milestone of 60, I will recline in the completion of the challenge, and once again look away from me. 

     

    I see the challenge and I see my body and I see the ramifications of getting too caught up in just completing the challenge. 

     

    I must look beyond, far ahead and have a bigger challenge, a life changing challenge, look at this being a new way of life, not just a detour in a contest of determination. 

     

    In order to have a different life and body, I have to go beyond the sixty days, otherwise my body will relax into itself, again.

     

    Maybe there is fear in knowing what I need to change, but not sure if I have the stamina to keep doing it.

     

    It is like I can see both sides, one is dangling there useless, stiff and hurting, and the other side is free of all of that, but in the middle is the place where the choice is made.

     

    In the middle is where the rubber meets the road, and I stand there each morning when I decide to do yoga or not. 

     

    It is scary and freeing to know that all that stands between fitness and me is Me.

     

    Will I love myself enough to pay attention, to put forth 110% just for me? 

     

    Is twenty days convincing enough, have I gotten in the habit of loving me and paying attention to me?  Do I believe it yet?

     

    How long will this go on and what happens if I stop?  It seems that if I stop, I stop loving me, seeing me, being with me, and revert to my old habits of letting me go.

     

    I guess I am giving my mind fair warning; I am not stopping at 60, for I am just getting started. 

     

    The seeds of self-love, self-care, and self-awareness are being planted; will I have the stamina to continue growing me.

     

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