I M Perfect lady

Tag: 60-day Bikram Yoga Challenge

  • Weaken Who I Am

    Here we are on Day 29, and I discovered that not all my muscles are co-operating, that some are actually preventing me from doing a pose better. 

     

    It is like discovering you have this team that has been working against you on the inside, traitors.

     

    How interesting to see that if I can relax these resisting muscles, the other ones don’t have to pull as hard and we get to go deeper in the pose.

     

    I am not certain if this is normal, but it is normal for me.

     

    It is like these muscles represent the subconscious parts of me, the underlying beliefs that tend to work against you, keeping you from moving forward.

     

    When in Half Moon, Bikram will say “push push push, you can trust me,” or he will say “you are in fear…”

     

    He is making us go beyond fear, beyond where we are comfortable.

     

    He knows what holds us back, what is working against us, and he is pushing us and making us struggle to overcome those fears and resistance.

     

    What he works mostly on is the resisting muscles and beliefs, weakening them while building up opposing ones. 

     

    He is tearing down while building up.  This is incredible to me.  For when I was sorting through the old me, I knew I had to bring in new on the other side.

     

    He is tearing down our fears, our lack, and our insecurities. 

     

    It is the opposite of what I thought, I thought he was making me stronger, and he is by taking out the things that weaken who I am!

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  • Imperfect Yoga Lady.

    A dozen days of yoga, a dozen mornings where I resolutely walked downstairs and began yoga, twelve times that my body and awareness won.

     

    I am surprised that there are times when a voice or feeling wants to ‘not do the yoga’, but that it is outvoted each day.

     

    And the contest hasn’t been close.  The side that seems to have the most strength is the part of me that feels yoga is what I want to do.

     

    This surprises me, usually I feel the slippery slope that I am on, where all it will take is a day where the voice is really strong and I will fall into a lazy excuse.

     

    I remember that when I made up my mind that my father and his actions would not define me. The mindset was in cement.

     

    It seems that this is the case again.  That even if the voice comes in, I already have a set plan.  So it can complain, but it rains along side me as I am doing the yoga.

     

    In fact it surprised me that the body and I continue going ahead with yoga, one posture at time, allowing the voice to chatter on.

     

    It is like watching your self do what you don’t want to do.

     

    As I walked out of many dysfunctional relationships the same thing happened.  I would physically walk away while my mind protested loudly.

     

    Today, this is exactly how my yoga felt.

     

    That I was physically doing postures in the moment of today, that my past persona wasn’t happy about, yet I did them anyway.

     

    I know that this is a great sign, a great indication that the core of me, is with me doing yoga.

     

    There may be days where it will be difficult to begin, or days where it just seems that all balance is off, or that everything appears awkward and hard, but I have faith I will at least try.

     

    I remember feeling so inept so out of sorts, so bad at being normal, and I feel the same with yoga.  I am not a graceful balanced strong yogi.

     

    I am okay, being at the beginning again, being awkward and looking imperfect, for I am.

     

    I am an imperfect yoga lady.