I M Perfect lady

Tag: abnormal

  • Normal Results.

    “What is your motive for Telling…” is a phrase that lends it self to much debate.  The simple fact that a child is then put in a position of feeling ‘bad’ for squealing stops many from coming forth.

     No one wants to be a squealer.

    Squealing is seen and incurred as to being weak or bad and that you should not say anything, IF you don’t have anything kind to say…

    It is seen as soiling someone’s reputation. 

    How is it that the squealer is the one who is in charge of that?  Surely it wasn’t the little girl’s fault that in Telling on Ray, he would then be made to ‘look bad’. 

    He was bad each moment he forcibly made a girl touch him.

    She was telling to stop an action, she wasn’t concerned how it looks or how it would fit into others lives.  She just wanted it to stop. 

    In order for things to stop, reputations will change color, past ideals of a person will take on a new tone, lives and relationships will hang in the balance, things will not go on as “Normal”.

    For now an abnormal behavior has entered in.

    Insanity ensues if you continue to act normal when abnormal walks and talks in your world and you don’t tell or pay attention to it, to see it like it is. 

    It seems preposterous that you would carry on life as usual with this oddity in your midst, that you would pretend to pretend to pretend that there is nothing amiss, that you would try harder to be normal instead of addressing the abnormal behavior.

    But take it from me, we do.

    In fact, in home this was not abnormal, but normal.  I come from a long line of sexual abuse…and the way they treated it was to do nothing, but carry on as usual.

    When the adults in my childhood life didn’t see abnormal, I then became abnormal.  I had to become abnormal to fit in.

    What I had thought was that only our home acted abnormal to normal abuse, but come to find out there is a sea of people willing to sweep abnormal under the rug to keep up with their normal lives, normal religions, normal families, normal marriages, normal relationships.

    It isn’t abuse that is the problem, but holding on to normal.

    Holding on to normal, all will discount, overlook, and under react in order to keep their own normal lives. 

    What is so incredulous to me is that they hang on to normal in their minds only.  For abnormal has now come to live with them and the longer they don’t see abnormal, the more abnormal becomes their family.

    I lived and learned that abnormal was the normal way to be.

    How grateful and blessed I am, that I was finally able to see that what I had stood for and championed was not normal.  What a gift to see my abnormalities.

    Most are not given this awareness.  I am speaking out and shouting out and pointing out what others are failing to see.

    Since I lived for 46 years believing I had a ‘normal’ family but that I was abnormal, I want to share my experience.  I am not a squealer, but a person who is telling to help stop abuse…for people to start seeing that what they think or want to believe is normal is so abnormal.

     Being raised in abnormal it is hard to know normal.

    Sometimes doing the complete opposite of what you were taught will bring in normal results. 

     

     

     

  • Unravel

    In the past few months my teeth have been falling apart, broken teeth, fillings falling out and just this past Monday a root canal, all signs that my eating machine was breaking down.

    At one point I had 6 teeth with issues, both sides of my mouth and top and bottom, which created new challenges in eating, I could no longer just eat, I had to be aware of what and how.

    How interesting that I became aware of this Pac Man like eating machine only when it broke.

    And it took 7 broken teeth to get my attention and one root canal, but I am seeing it now. It slowed me down the only way it could by busting the Pac Man…the eating machine.

    When the eating machine was broken I saw my eating in slow motion.

    The frenzy pace was brought into focus…I became aware of how much I was unaware.

    How incredible is it that the Pac Man is the control center of eating instead of it being a team of mind, body and soul…this cavity of teeth and tongue is the ruler and the rest of me a victim of its poorly developed palate?

    Changing the palate to fit the fitness of my body is my latest adventure, to begin eating from the body and using the teeth instead of the teeth using me.

    I am sure in an uncontrollable environment, we control what we can, and eating uncontrollably gave us control, as well as the feeling of being satisfied in an unsatisfied world.

    What also linger at the fringes of my out of control eating are recollections of me being out alone with my father. I don’t recall anything but us eating alone. I was young, I was special I was out on a date. Yet, knowing he is a pedophile, this isn’t a nice scene…however the food was normal or more normal than what happened before or after…was I bought by a malt, was that my price? Did my life become normal again with food? It is funny how I can’t recall the abuse, but I can recall the food and can picture the restaurants and booths and even the swirling stools…

    Each part of my world is complicated with abuse.

    How I used food to normalize or control myself is the mystery I will unravel.

  • Stop the Pain

    Tolerance – ability to endure hardship: the ability to put up with harsh or difficult conditions.

    The cycle of abuse spins due to this abnormal tolerance, it allows children to become so desensitized to pain and harsh conditions, that soon they can’t even feel it.

    Their tolerance allows them to overlook a difficult condition and the more they overlook, the more tolerable they become and the more abnormal.

    Painlessly tolerant to harsh conditions, you can literally call it home, family, and love.

    I know it has been hard to explain, how I could not have known, how can you live in dysfunction and not know it, but having a high tolerance you have a distorted view.

    In fact the more you suffer the higher the tolerance and the more pain you can suffer and the more you can suffer the less harsh it seems.

    Your tolerance level allows lots in before your pain meter beeps.

    I often wondered myself how a child can continue to endure or how I was able to withstand the conditions being so young and unskilled, but I wasn’t aware we grow our tolerance muscles when we are asked to continually and repeatedly put up with harsh conditions.

    You become accustomed to the behavior…

    I had felt that I was out of touch or numb or my feelings seemed to be out of reach, but in fact it just took lots to get my pain meter from registering.

    As I lost my tolerance for pain I have been able to open the valve on the love meter.

    I am not certain, but it seems probable, that you can’t have both the love meter and the pain meter running together.

    Who knew that by shutting off the tolerance for pain, love would appear?

    What I had to do was love myself enough to stop the pain.

  • Originality is the New Norm.

    As I thought about compassionate or empathetic picketers, I wondered what their signs would say, and if I were to join, what message would my sign display.

    I think my sign would be for those who were abused as children, for those who grew to be mental due to the nature of being hurt by those they loved.

    My sign would encourage them speak their truth and walk strong, knowing that you get stronger with each voiced memory and feeling, airing out the long held secrets.

    I would dispel the belief that there is a normal, a perfect way to be, and instead show them my imperfect me.

    I could begin a group of I M Perfect people.

    People who have walked in the darkness, been lost in mental confusion, denial and pain, who are tired of trying to be something they can never be.

    Normal. 

    Trying to be normal is trying to be not you.

    Normal.

    What is Normal?  

    Who is the measure and rule of normal? 

    I have yet to meet one normal person. 

    I think it is a myth.

    Maybe my sign would say, “There is No Normal” or “This is My Normal.”

    I will picket normal. 

    If we get rid of normal, we can get rid of all the prejudices against abnormal people.

    By taking normal out of the picture, we all become abnormal.

    Well, I had to look up ‘Normal’.

    1.                   usual: conforming to the usual standard, type, or custom

    2.                   healthy: physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy

    3.                   occurring naturally: maintained or occurring in a natural state.

    What is the usual standard anymore?  Is there truly one?

    I have to look up ‘abnormal’.

    Not normal; not typical or usual or regular or conforming to a norm.

    What we call abnormal is not conforming to a norm?

    But what if we can’t conform to norm, because we didn’t have a norm to conform to?  Then what?

    Are we abnormal?

    I would hasten to bet that there are more abnormal folks than normal. 

    Did you know that 20% of the homes have a mom and dad?  Yet we still call that ‘typical’ even when 80% of homes are not that.

    I bet reality has changed, but we forgot to change the norms. 

    There are no Norms in reality only originality.

    Originality is the new Norm.

  • Do you know abnormal?

    Thanksgiving is right around the corner and what comes to mind are all the families gathering, and what seems to happen to those of us who are estranged, we feel somewhat stranger than normal.

     

    While most seem to put aside their petty differences, those of us who have major differences are left without an option.

     

    Family squabbles can be hushed for this special day, a joining of hands and hearts, all gathering to give thanks, “for all that we have and that we are all here together”.

     

    Raising us up to a false sense of okay, allowing us to focus on what was working and letting our differences sit on the sides.

     

    As my mother prayed for us to be together and her thanks in gratitude for what she had, she painted a nice picture, and we all helped her paint with our silence and not challenging her ways.

     

    I heard Elizabeth Lesser speak today about normal families, and how she heard that “normal means someone you don’t know well”.

     

    Normal is the picture of the surface; normal is the front that is shown to those we don’t know that well.

     

    So if you like I seem to feel left out of ‘normal’ there is no normal out there!

     

    Each family has its own squabbles, things that can’t be discussed or mentioned.

     

    Now that I have spoken up in my family and mentioned the unmentionables, I see more "not" normal families.

     

    It gives the matriarch of the family peace as she prays to keep her family together, for her children to get along, that there be peace and love, if only from her dreamlike view.

     

    I have spoken to a few children who are unwilling to break their mothers hearts/dreams by mentioning the unmentionable.

     

    Does silence make a family normal? 

     

    Or is it more normal to be not normal!

     

    Silence allows the unmentionables to go unspoken, unacknowledged, but silence doesn’t make them disappear.

     

    In fact their crimes seem to multiply over the years, the pile growing larger spreading beneath the prayers.

     

    What is normal?  

     

        usual: conforming to the usual standard, type, or custom

    – healthy: physically, mentally, and emotionally health

    – occurring naturally: maintained or occurring in a natural state

     

    How many natural state families are there?  What is the standard we are to adhere to?

     

    I am thinking ‘normal’ is like perfection, it is a pipe dream, a heaven to aspire to, but impossible to attain, and it mostly leaves you feeling left out and inept at being able to pull it off.

     

    I had to look at the opposite of normal, abnormal.

     

    -not normal, average, typical, or usual; deviating from a standard.

     

    I am not sure I have met one family yet that occurred in a natural state.

     

    I have admired the mamma duck waddle with her fuzzy yellow baby ducks wiggling behind her, quickly leading them away from me (danger).  I marveled at the way she intuitively did this.

     

    What happens in human families? 

     

    How do we get so far off course, where danger lives within our homes, where millions of little girls fall victim to abuse by the hands of their fathers, while their mother prays, “Let’s thank God, for all that we have and that we are all together.”

     

    Abnormal to me are families where silence allows unmentionables to be, where we are taught not to mention the unmentionables, to live in a false place called normal.

     

    Abnormal erodes away the normal children, until they too become abnormal.

     

    How confusing this all gets, to strive to reach a natural state of occurring when abuse seemed more natural than real natural? 

     

    What if we didn’t have a normal spot to stand on, or an island of peace, a section of comfort, and a zone where we could sort out the natural from the natural abnormal?

     

    It seems I was given natural unnatural love. 

     

    My unnatural attention hurt, yet I had to tell myself it was for my own good, that I deserved the hollering for mentioning the unmentionables, for not keeping the family balanced in an unbalanced way.

     

    The cross-eyed way we had to look, while trying to pull off natural!

     

    Normal is abnormal or so it seems to me.

     

    Look around and listen to the undercurrents in families, the pretense and ‘don’t go there’ sentences attached to buttons that will implode and expose the ‘normal’ in the abnormal.

     

    Unless you have been raised in a normal abnormal home, in a state where abnormal occurred always, you will not get this whole post.

     

    My normal was abnormal and even trying to get back to normal would be abnormal, for how can someone who was raised abnormal ever be normal again.

     

    Is there a rebirth? 

    Is there a moment where you get to be a virgin to normal?

    Can you tell your natural state when it occurs?

     

    Maybe more important, do you know abnormal?