I M Perfect lady

Tag: actions

  • My wrongdoings.

     

    Today I wondered about the meaning of guilt and when is it applicable to feel guilt and even what its definiton was…

    Guilt – Culpable of or responsible for a specified wrongdoing. Justly chargeable with a praticular fault or error. 

    What is my wrongdoing, first off.  What did my do, as my son used to say when he was a child?

    Guilt comes when you have done something wrong.

    As her daughter what have I done wrong.  

    In a letter to her shortly after my father's arrest, I told her that the forgiveness she seeks is of herself.  I can't make her world right, it is not within my power.

    I can however, make changes in my own world; and I have.

    What some see as wrong behavior is actually me making corrections, seeking to find peace in my own world for my actions that served to keep the abuse going.

    I am working on changes within me, in my actions, in my relationships, and working on figuring out what had me so blind to what had been going on in our family unbeknownst to me.

    If I had lived and moved around in this world, unknowingly, I had to now find out how.

    I had to find the faults and errors within me and make corrections.  I had to acknowledge my part in order to change.

    There are no guilty feelings for doing this, none.  My whole body feels completely at peace for what I have done for the past 7 years.

    It is good for me to know, the definition of guilt and that I am only responsible for my wrongdoings.

     PS.  What came to me after posting this, was that I have been working on forgiving myself, on learning about me and accepting what I did at the level of my own understanding and knowing, and then changing my behaviors to correct my wrong doings.

    And my corrective behaviors is what they are most riled about…and what bring me the most peace.  I love that I have forgiven me.

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  • Impeccable.

    There are laws of the Universe that no religion or man can upset, nor can you alter another's karma in any way.

    It isn't that I subscribe to Eastern Philosophy, but the physics of life are no longer a mystery to me.  Each of us gets our very own wheel that is secure and totally our own, no one can penetrate the delicate balance of your life. Its environment is yours to control and you and you alone set in motion how your life will flow.

    There are people who believe that they have the power to change your life, but they don't.  No one can make or break your world, unless you allow them. Then it is you setting in motion an acceptance of allowing them into your environment.

    You are the gatekeeper of your Karma.  The Ultimate voice, the ironclad defense against all things, no one can step in front of you. Your life is set up perfectly perfect with your agreement.  It is simply impossible for it to happen otherwise.

    No one can play and mess up your karma or even enhance it…it is all left up to you.

    Imagine if this were true…if someones words or wishes could change your world, what mayhem would ensue and how your life would spin out of control in beat of a negative thought directed at you.

    My first 46 years was me not knowing that I controlled my karma, that I was the one who believed that my karma was in the hands of others.

    It was an incredible blow to see that I was the common denominator in all of my life, that nothing happened without me being there and consenting.  Nothing.  I was the one who had orchestrated my life.  I was the one with leaking boundaries or none.  I was the one who had acquiesced my life…there was no one who stood in front of me who had more power in my life than me.

    I had lived my first 46 years in darkness willingly.  I had fed that darkness while shutting out the Light.

    My brother's blog, Ripple in the Water, has a song attached, and a line in the song says, "Darkness has a hunger that is insatiable and Light is a call that is hard to hear."

    That line is so rich with content and meaning and clearly defines the lives of so many.  The sheer hunger of the Darkness that is forever wanting to be fed…against the faint call to the light…that is hard to hear.  

    Even harder to hear is what the Light is telling you….against the gnashing of teeth.  You have to be able to stop feeding your negative energies and turn toward the call of Light.

    Some feel that we can 'forgive' and be kind to the bad behaviors of others and it will change them, it can't.

    All it does is keep us engaged in the dark energies and ignoring our inner Light. 

    I find it so comforting to know that there is nothing I can do to change the lives of others.  Nothing.  It is purely up to them.  My only power lies with me.

    The False Gods will have you believe that we are in charge of others karma and lives, that we can make changes that will affect them long term, we can't.  

    No one can create a better life for you.  No one can live a better life for you, or mutter sayings and affirmations and send angels and good things into your world. It is impossible to get ahead of the laws of physics.  

    We each are one verse alone.

    We sing our own songs. We play our own tunes.  

    No one can interject a verse without our permission. 

    All the people who claim to be healers for you are selling you a false cure.  They can't.  They are claiming to own the powers of the Universe/God…impossible.  No one has more energy or power than the other. We are all created equal into a system that is governed by a law of physics.  

    It isn't a human law or religious law or owned and operated by certain groups and beliefs, it can't be regulated or changed or manipulated and all who believe they have power over you are trying to control your karma and do…when you believe them, it leaves you weak and a victim and them more powerful.

    The term, "Thou shall have no other gods before me…" is, in my opinion, telling us that the laws of the Universe is the one true way.

    Your intentions and feelings are sending out messages to the Universe always…without fail.  Each of us gets equal and just attention from the Universe, have no fear…or have fear depending upon what you are sending out.

    "Ask and ye shall recieve…"  

    One other thing, is if you are screaming at others, angry at others, resentful and rageful, directing your language toward someone, the Universe only picks up that energy and delivers it right back to you.

    Karma works whether you believe it or not…it doesnt' wait for your approval, it just is.  What goes out comes back perfectly and exactly…impeccable.

     

     

     

  • Going Back, Willingly.

    One of my personality traits isn't really a trait, but a side affect of being abused…while I have heard the term Post traumatic Stress disorders, I hadn't considered myself out of order, when in certain situations, it clearly is so.

    What is witnessed as being out of control, is actually me grasping control of the situation and reality, so I don't get 'abused again'…I have a hair trigger where power seekers, offenders, liars, false promisers, people who always hand out the short end of the stick, etc are concerned.

    I can smell the hint of offensive behavior, words and false promises a mile away and I cut them off at the pass.  I clearly state without a smidgen of wiggle room, the swindle they are trying to slip by me.

    This can lead to loud outbursts, but with a very clear intent on my part as to what I will and what I will not accept.

    My boundaries which in the past were non-existent, are now like an electric fence.

    Without a boundary fence, people could do and say pretty much anything without 'getting a rise' out of me, in fact I was considered pretty laid back and hard to 'ruffle'…and I considered that too a personality trait, when it was actually a signal of No boundaries.

    Normal has to lie between the two…a bridge that isn't so igniting or completely shut down.

    Will I ever be labeled as normal, or is my 'electric' reaction normal for me?

    My husband has alluded to the fact that it is now normal for me to react with precision and zero in on any hint of abuse, albeit sexual, physical, emotional…I am on it and refuse to let it go.

    There is no almost abuse, or a 'little' lie, or loving control or friendly manipulation.  I see abuse as abuse; whether it is a seed just sprouting or a life times worth.  I am abuse detector and my alarms go off.

    My body comes alive and alert and intensely focused to do battle with whom ever is trying to steal my power or that of someone I love…whereas in the past all my signals were disconnected or I overrode them by disengaging them around 'family'.

    For now it seems to me that this new reaction is my body learning how to respond in a new way to an old dance.  It is me even learning to trust that I can say what I need to say, but not have 40 years of submission bursting forth to 'tell 'em off'….

    I can't know how long I will be considered Post Traumatic…or if this is what they call a chronic condition…but if I had to pick to either be totally shut down or completely tuned in….I will take the later.

    My Post Traumatic Stress disorder, my sometimes verbally attacking response, is me fighting back against abuse…it is me gaining my power, using my words, standing up with shaky guts facing the controlling powers that be.

    Even if I do it without the grace and dignity that others seem to have, at least I am no longer a silent unmoving victim.

    What just came to me is that I would shoot wildly at innocent targets, for I didn't know the real source of where my power was leaking…I had mistakenly believed that anyone I couldn't control was stealing my power. When in fact, anyone who controlled me was stealing my power.

    It isn't about the people I control, but about the people who control me.

    What I have learned is that there will be lines after lines of people who want to control you, and it is up to you to say no.

    And If you say No, and they don't hear it, disregard it…what they are wanting most is to control you.  "No is a complete sentence" says Oprah.

    Any time you are not able to say no, your power is gone.

    Yes and No are the swinging doors to freedom…if all that is accepted is a yes, you are with someone who is controlling you.

    I can smell the teeniest hints of only one choice or no choice….and I burst forth knowing the cage is about to settle down upon me.

    I remember the caged feeling and I go beserk….Post Traumatic, I have been there before and have no intention of going back, willingly.

     

     

     

  • Perfect for Me.

    A thought came to mind yesterday as I wondered about the withholding of truths, that perhaps it is the desire to be perfect that stops us.
    We don't want to say things that are upsetting or we don't want to not go along to cause waves so we refrain from our truths to look better, seem more perfect, nicer even.
    Yet in this 'nicer more perfect' mode, we are not feeling that inside.
    Inside the storms rage, the contradictions swell, and it seems like we are split in two…having to wear 'nice' while feelings and emotions as well as knowledge seem to overwhelm the inside.
    Just like pretending you don't have raging reaction to a bad food, where your stomach is turning, sharp pains, nausea, etc…and you continue to have a calm pleasant face.
    Being truthful is to vomit up all what we hold inside, getting rid of the turmoil that is infesting our insides.  And we want to do this in  pleasant non-hurtful manner, or without causing grief…which is impossible.
    The reasons and sources of our angst usually aren't  wonderful experiences, but rather trauma.  Speaking up about trauma will not sound or feel like chatting about the purchase of a new car.  It will hold pieces and shards of pain, hurt, betrayal, fear, anxiety, shock and horror.  It will reduce you to a shaking quacking hurt soul, and you have to explain how you feel.
    We unveil our wounded soul. 
    The same one we had to cover up in order to survive, we now take the chance  of dying in order to speak of it.
    And there is a dying of sorts.  The death of the survival person, the one who lived pretending the abuse didn't happen.  This survival person is who people liked, who got along, who was 'nicer' and 'kinder'….and we are afraid that the truthful person will be annihilated.
    In my case it happened.  My survival self (the pretending trauma didn't live in my body) was accepted and my truthful self rejected.
    Being rejected for being my truthful self felt like being abused a second time around, but this time aware and fully present…And this time, I didn't have the the body's natural survival mode of "Disassociation"….I wanted to feel this, to accept this, to acknowledge this, to honor this IN order to now live in reality.
    I wasn't willing to revert back to my childhood ways of living a life inside that was totally different from my presentation to the world.  
    This time, what I feel inside matches the features on my face or my actions and often times, non-actions.
    I no longer care if I am perfect for you, I am always perfect for me.
    " The First Casualty of Dysfunction is truth" Carl Huhta

  • All it wants is truth.

    Last night I woke up a few times with very strong feelings between Character and the Situation.
    That most often we blame the situation rather than blame our selves and the lack or the choice of action we took in each situation.
    There seems to be this wide separation in our thought patterns that has us victims of circumstances rather than participants in our lives.
    We don't arrive with Character, but rather over time and through the valleys and mountains in our lives we begin to layer who we are by what we do.
    Oddly enough, we somehow tend to NOT believe who others are, we keep blaming the circumstance rather than the character.
    The circumstance is often times the accumulation of past events coming home to roost, it is not just a wild card that happened into our lives…
    The Universe is the perfect score keeper and it never lets us get away with anything, the 'karma' deal is right on.  We do indeed reap what we sow and the longer we put off harvesting, the bigger the crop we have to tend to when we finally get around to seeing what we planted.
    What I am here to tell you is you can't plant denial and pull up honesty.
    You can't spread seeds of bullying and come up with people who don't fear you.
    How you move in the world echoes back your own energy.  
    Each moment of today is laying the carpet of tomorrow.
    There is no vengeful God or evil Universe, there is just you tossing the ball against the wall of the Universe, you will get back what you put out.
    There are no mistakes. 
    Truth will reflect back truth.
    Deceit will conjure up relationships minus the truth.
    It all begins with you.
    You are the common denominator in all things.  The world truly does revolve around you.
    There are a billion places you can find people behaving badly but all that truly matters in your life is you.
    Victims focus on what others need to do in order for them to find peace.
    You will know you are no longer a victim when you can find peace in the midst of others behaving badly.  
    If my happiness depended upon my mother and father healing, I would be a victim of their lives.  Instead, I put my wellness in my own hands.  I looked in my own life and saw combinations of their dysfunction littered everywhere, and that is where I began.
    In each moment of time, I looked at what I was believing or thinking, and then how I acted….did they match or was I a walking contradiction like them; partly truth and partly fiction?
    Character can survive any situation if all it wants is truth.

  • Whatever Reality Serves.

    My brother's blog (www.messyguru.typepad.com ) shows the switching characters that a mother often displays when faced with truths that directly oppose her life.  Her life and dream and ideals.
    I have somehow had this wrong.  I had presumed that my mother lived in truth and slide into unreality when uncomfortable subjects arose, but instead it seems she resides in non-reality and will slip out into reality every now and then.
    Although this is just hearsay on my part, for she never came out of her camp of denial, pretend, or righteous unknowing for me.
    She stayed true to the character of my childhood.
    I can't know what would be more perplexing on a child, to have her step forth in knowing, and the go back to unknowing or to remain steadfast in unknowing?
    While her actions aluded to the fact that her husband was in jail, for she seen him in an orange jumpsuit behind bars, she never not once spoke to me about why he was there.  
    This omitance echoes my childhood.  This is what I meant by she never once told me to fear my father, to stand clear, to not trust etc.  Instead it was always me that had issues, not him and certainly not her.
    However during the early months of this, since she wasn't speaking of this, not available by phone, I made my own conclusions about the lay of the land.  My body and I were in total agreement to who he was as well as to who he was married to and how this was able to continue on for so long.
    My mother's character never wavered from the mother I knew as a child.
    My father's character never wavered from the father I knew as a child.
    My character greatly changed, when I saw them in their true colors.
    All it took was one look, and my whole world shattered.
    The character that I had been playing, loving daughter, died.
    And in its place a new role was born.
    I gave up all outside roles and stood firmly in the role called me.
    I moved forward by what I felt inside.
    I responded in kind to what life served up
    When it served me a pedophile father, I walked in harmony with that.
    When it served me up a mother who was unable to step into my world, I accepted that.
    My new role is to walk in step with whatever reality serves.

  • Resolve to Stay the Same.

    While we all know that my father transformed into a monster many times, over many years with a variety of girls, what we fail to recognize or even consider is the lack of changes in the lives of others who knew and did nothing.

    Who knew and did nothing, means they did not respond or change or transform as a new truth or information landed in their lives.

    It is this unchanging landscape that doesn’t match the little girls changing landscape that really really bothers me.

     I know that I somehow expected more from my mother after the event than I did my father.

    I expected her to save me, to move me away from harm, to change our world somehow.

    It is hard to articulate the transformations of my father, but it is equally hard to fathom the no changes in the ones who knew and did nothing.

    When I say, “knew and did nothing” I mean have a lifestyle change, have a reaction that mirrors criminal sexual assault.

    The ones who lived with my father or near my father had one opinion of who he was. When a new identity comes in it seems that you would then have to reconfigure your world. 

    It seems that something so huge would not fit into your old lifestyle, that IT would literally change you. 

    Yet the opposite is what happened in my family.  I have heard from a few in my family who said, emphatically that they would not let what my father did change their lives. One is a sheriff…(he isn’t going to let Ray upset his world, and let him win, giving him the satisfaction.)

    They were not going to change their worlds because of his sick behavior, it wasn’t going to ‘ruin’ their family, or change their relationships, and they simply were not going to allow it to affect the lives they had. 

    I have actually been accused of ruining their childhoods and their fond memories…ripping our family apart. 

    I am the one to blame…more so than Ray.

    One sister said she confronted him for a half hour and went to work.  Imagine, a half-hour and her world was set back right side up. 

    What does this say about folks who can let this come in and then allow it to reside there and not have their lives change?

    Due to the fact that this time Ray went to jail, to court, hired lawyers, it was way real, and still at the end of the day…it is life as usual.

    I am more transfixed on what didn’t change than anything else. 

    It is the space between my family and I.

    I stopped my whole world…when I heard what my niece said. 

    I sat in a place outside of my life…and looked in.

    I saw things I didn’t want to see.

    I had to act in ways I couldn’t imagine acting.

    I let go of people I couldn’t imagine letting go of.

    Knowing what Ray did has changed my life forever.

    Nothing remained the same…and I can’t begin to imagine how they are able to walk unchanged.

    This behavior seems equally as odd as my fathers transformation, the unchanging resolve to stay the same.

     

  • In Peace I walked Free!

    After my last post about the Civil War in abusive homes, I had to look up the meaning of Civil to see what it means to be in a Civil war.

    Civil -polite: polite, but in a way that is cold and formal.
    And then I looked up the combination of the two words, Civil War,

    Civil War – is a war between organized groups within the same nation state or republic or, less commonly, between two countries created from a formerly-united nation.

    The formerly united family is now at war with themselves, brothers against brothers, sisters against sister, children against parents for some of the blind can now see, some of the brainwashed are beginning to think on their own, an awakening is happening, and this causes a war within a war.

    I don’t want to leave the feelings that in this Civil War no peace is found, for it is. Peace is found in no longer remaining silent. Power is replacing the forced politeness…children are rising up and finding their true self, they feel the stirrings of their Spirit.

    They are finding their unused voices, speaking forbidden words and names, identifying the enemy and no longer remaining civil – polite cold and formal.

    They will become warm and informal, perhaps become unconventional and different, they will be marching to their own drums, hearing their own music for the very first time.
    Hearing the stirrings of inner freedom and expression, of passion and of self-awareness, they will fight now to be free from being held prisoner to another.

    This civil war will end for the lucky ones, for the ones who can find the thread of their soul, the inner knowing that their very aliveness depends on them leaving the family, that if they stay they may as well die.

    There wasn’t a moment of hesitation when I left my family, there wasn’t a drop of doubt, for to the depth of my being, I knew I had been one of the living dead and staying there aware would be to be buried alive, for now I knew I was alive but dead.

    What I had found that day back in December of 2004, was a dead me. A me that had no me in it. A me that was full of the definitions from my parents, the beliefs and thoughts of my religion, but there wasn’t but a speck of me there.
    Not a part of me that defined by me, just me.

    I was a body being used by my family and a religion, but I wasn’t alive and now I was aware of it. And once I knew, I could no longer not know. And when you know you are then awake of how asleep you have been.

    And when you are awake, you see the civil war you lived in.

    Imagine being in a war but unaware you are at war. Or even aware that you are scarred and lame due to the battles you unsuccessfully fought.

    A civil war refugee that finds its imperfect self is on the path to perfection.
    “Coming from whence you came…” you should act, be and walk and talk like the walking wounded.

    You are the perfect representation of an abused child. You are the signpost or the poster child for abuse. You have displayed yourself perfectly, the perfectly abused.
    Perfectly abused people act perfectly abused. When you are aware of how abused you are, you can then begin to heal.

    Denying your brokenness is denying your self.

    I found myself in a completely broken state and complete freedom arose, for I no longer had to strive for perfection instead I embraced my imperfections and found them to be perfectly me.

    In agreement with my history I found peace…and the freedom to be myself.

    To walk my walk.

    To talk my talk.

    To be a me I had yet to be.

    An individual, a free spirit, with a clear mind no longer washed by others, in peace I walked free.

    Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose!

  • Orphaned with parents.

    The view I have on my childhood home, is that my father sits and does nothing and my mother runs around busy busy.

    And yet how much further from the truth that actually was.

    My father sat, after he abused.
    My mother did nothing about the abuse.

    Their opposing actions are what twist the mind of a child.
    We look for signs, and see the opposite of our experiences, we think we are nuts, we have a problem in our head.

    There he sits and does nothing, there she goes busy again.

    As we speak, she is in another land, rocking orphaned babies. It is ironic or not that she is rocking her own children…for we were left on our own in our own home.

    Orphaned but not homeless. Orphaned with parents.

    (I am not for sure for sure, IF she is gone to the orphanage as planned, this is an assumption of mine.) I may hear of my false info, so wanted to be upfront, the plans may have changed, it could already have happened, her where abouts is unknown to me.)

  • Hide what isn’t there.

    “Speech as opposed to telepathy used by the animals…and the silence of muktas arose due to a need to be untruthful, and have a deeper involvement in material.” Tony O’Clery

    Speech arose due to the need to be untruthful is what I get from this quote, that we use language to deflect the true meaning of our actions or to excuse behavior.

    Immediately I thought of dogs and how we learn who they are by how they behave. A friendly dog acts friendly and an unfriendly dog acts unfriendly.

    What we miss is the excuse or reason an unfriendly dog is unfriendly, we take it as it is for they don’t have the luxury of words to sway us to believe otherwise.

    And we don’t have unfriendly dogs trying to be friendly, by speaking nicely over feelings of unfriendliness.

    Dr. Maya Angelou quote, “People show you who they are, Believe them.”

    Yet time and time again, we will take the words above the action.

    “I love you” will override the abusive action.

    “I am sorry or please forgive me,” is a way to deflect away from the behavior.

    What if we all stood with how we acted each time?

    What if we address immediately the action?

    What if words were used to just speak of actions?

    How often are your words used to get the other person to not believe your actions?

    Owning our actions seems like a really simple thing, but often times our actions alone are untruthful, we go places we don’t want to go, we do things we don’t feel right doing, we go along to get along.

    We get lost to what our own standards are for we get used to doing things for peace and to not be a stick in the mud, to be seen as okay, or a million other reasons.

    Due to this speech thing, we can tell ourselves we are doing something for a good reason, even when the behavior is bad for us and for others, we will find an ulterior motive that makes it okay.

    It is like the Picketers at funerals of soldiers, they feel that their message overrides all events taking place.

    What they fail to see is that their behavior is actually screaming above the signs, their true nature is showing, their hatred and fear arises long before a sign of love.

    They say they are warning us of God’s wrath, what they are displaying is their own wrath.

    The visual of picketers is what I often times feel of people who tell you one thing but do another. That we are supposed to keep our eyes focused on the sign and not see where they are walking and over who they tromp, just focus on the words, like a mad hypnotist of lies they bend us to believe opposite of what is truly going on.

    If you look at the world through the eyes of babies or animals, you would see things differently.

    “Out of the mouths of babes” comes truth, for they have not learned the power of words to hide what isn’t there.