Between the comments, a conversation and reading, it came to me that this isn’t unusual this indirect conversations. And in fact, the bigger the ‘secret’ or point the bigger the fear and the consequences or fall out will be.
There is a payoff for not talking directly, it allows you to be in a pretend safe zone. Get that, a pretend safe zone or a pretend friendship, or a pretend relationship, a pretend love.
A pretend love. What is that?
And how is it that we are more comfortable being a pretend self, than being a truthful one.
I know I was fricking inept when it came to being myself. I had no clue. I was frustrated, anxious, nervous, a mess, a total basket case, BEING me.
How is that possible, that we wear the mask of pretend with ease even if it doesn’t cover up the resentment and fear that lies beneath?
What I know for sure is that we fear a big fall out equal to the level of fear we have IF we were to be ourselves and REALLY say what is on our minds…as well as the size or the extent of the secret.
In my family it was gigantic, earth shattering big.
In other families it is huge and life changing for sure.
But we fail to realize is that it will change the pretend fearful weird exchanges we have with each other to truthful ones.
I recall my sister asking to be my friend on face book (after a four year silence and vast differences)…and being this new frank self…I asked, “why do you want to be my friend and told her she may not like the new me and that she best to go to my blog and read.” She came back and said, “Nope, not that interested”.
While that hurt, it also set us both free from pretending. I didn’t want to begin a second time around with her and leave my frankness behind.
Now it seems quite silly and childish or immature to even entertain the idea of pretending to get along…And that whole sentence is wrong for little children are known for their frankness.
So, maybe it is not silly or childish, but just lingering on junior high, where we will do anything to get along, to be liked, to be part of a group. We pretend to get along and in doing so live a pretend life.
That to me is so tragic, that many many people live their whole lives as somebody else…or for somebody else.
Self loving is not ever having to pretend. I LOVE that.
I used to pretend to have no fear of my father.
I used to pretend that I had no resentment against my mother.
I pretended that she made wise choices or that they didn’t bother me.
I pretended and pretended and pretended, until I lost complete sight of who I was.
I looked up the definition of pretend. “To give a false appearance.”
Yes, I was afraid of my father and I acted like I wasn’t.
Each and every time we pretend or cover up a feeling or not speak our truth, we lose a little bit more of ourselves…and gain more and more of a false appearance.
Who knew that by sparing another you would create a false appearance or false self. And here is the deal, you are only fooling your self that if you don’t address each issue, that they fade away and disappear.
They don’t.
They are with you always.
For your feelings can’t be erased by pretending.
Love can’t be formed by pretending. Friendships are not bonded deeply in pretending. All pretending does is pretend that it isn’t so…when it is.
Isn’t it funny, you thought you were fooling another when indeed you were fooling your self, creating a false appearance called you.
I M Perfect lady 