I M Perfect lady

Tag: attachment

  • A Nice Man

    The teachings of the church seem to create duplicity among its parishioners, for it teaches we are sinful, but that once you wipe away the sins, you are no longer full of sin.

    The overview of what the church actually preaches and the applications of its teachings are very much at odds, in fact I would say, that it is a church which honors being duplicitous.

    Where the dark side is there, but we are taught to 'bless' it away…and to now act like it has disappeared.  

    If your 'bad' actions can be wiped clean, then you are not really bad…you live in a land that has no darkness…you are forever in this alternate universe of only goodness.

    The church doesn't expect you to stop sinning, it Does expect you to keep confessing…It doesn't expect you to stop forgiving, It expects you to forgive forever.

    It is a cycle you can't break free of….and it leaves you a sinner that isn't sinful.

    You have sinned, but they are nowhere to be found…so your are pure.

    You are a wiped clean slate that has been forgiven of sins a thousand times, yet clean.  No trail is ever found, no smear is left behind…you are clean…but have sinned, yet the sins are not ever spoken of.

    It is like there isn't anything that is permanent, all is fluid and ever changing, there is no sin, while sins are forgiven.

    What if the sin is a slap to a child's face?  Does the mark disappear? Is it wiped clean, does it not leave a mark on the esteem of the child?

    What if the sin is a rape of a child…is she returned to pure once the blessing is uttered?  

    The wiping of the slate is ONLY for the offender.

    The cleanup is to remove the toxic behavior off of the hands of the abuser, it isn't for the wounded child.

    The wounded child is never attended, seen or acknowledged, the offenders life is all that matters. And God Forbid it have a smear.

    How is it that this religion only cures Offenders?

    How is it that this religion neglects the sins upon the sinnee.

    How doesn't it see where the sins take place, how in real life a slap cannot be unslapped…a rape can't be undone.  Sins are damage yet the damage isn't dealt with only the one who did the damage.

    We were taught not to see the one wrecking havoc on our worlds, and to hide the damage.  Hide our bleeding wounds, our broken hearts our shattered trust…for if we spoke of it, the Blessings didn't work.

    And by God, the blessings must work, for we are all heading to heaven under the ticket of the blessings working.

    The duplicity of the church is to see the sinner but not the sins upon the innocent child…it fails to see how wiping clean the offender makes a liar out of us.

    We have the imprint of their sin upon our bodies, but we have to now pretend the 'sin' didn't happen.  We lead a duplicitious life…we know the truth, but are not to act upon it. 

    And we now carry their sin, while they get to sing in the sunshine and go forth pure…we are now weighted down by their sins.

    Am I the only one who can see how this makes a child go insane?

    Not only are we not allowed to show the marks of their sin, we now have to believe they are nice…that they never did misbehave.

    These 'clean' adults and their sins, have written upon the slate of who the child is, their imprints have gone nowhere, the sting of the hand left a mark on the soul, the rape tore the trust and love to shreds.

    This insane cycle can only be broken when the sins go back to the sinners…where they in reality have never left.

    My father raped me, I didn't rape him…it is his sin, not mine.

    I am no longer agreeing to his duplicity…where he rapes me and is seen as a nice man.

     

  • Grace and Courage

    As Alice Miller’s book comes to a close, she encapsulates her thoughts.

    “In this book (The Body Never Lies) I express hope that , as psychological knowledge grows, the power of the Fourth Commandment will wane in favor of the appropriate respect for the vital biological needs of the body, including truth, loyalty to oneself and to one’s perceptions, feelings and insights. If I seek genuine expressions of my feelings in a genuine form of communication, everything that was built on lies and insincerity will fall away from me. Then I will no longer strive for a relationship in which I pretend to have feelings that I do not have, or suppress others that I do have. Love that excludes honesty does not deserve the name of love.

    The following points may serve to sum up these ideas.

    1. The “love” of formerly abused children for their parents is not love. It is an attachment fraught with expectations, illusions, and denials, and it exacts a high price from all those involved in it.

    2. The price of this attachment is paid primarily by the next generation of children, who grow up in a spirit of mendacity because their parents automatically inflict on them the thins they believe “did them good.” Young parents themselves also frequently pay for their denial with serious damage to their health because their “gratitude” stands in contradiction to the knowledge stored in their bodies.

    3. The frequent failure of therapy can be explained by the fact that most therapists are themselves caught up in the snare of traditional morality and attempt to drag their clients into the same kind of captivity because it is all they know. As soon as clients start to feel and become capable of roundly condemning the deeds, say, of an incestuous father, therapists will probably be assailed by fear of punishment at the hands of their own parents if they should dare to look their own truth in the face and express it for what it is. How else can we explain the fact that forgiveness is declared to be an instrument of healing? Therapists frequently propose this to reassure themselves, just as the parents did. But because it sounds very familiar to the messages communicated to them in childhood by their parents, albeit expressed in a more friendly way, some patients may need some time to see through the pedagogic angle of it. And even once they finally have recognized it, they can hardly leave their therapist, especially if a new toxic attachment has already formed, if for them, the therapist has become like a mother who has helped them to a new birth (because in this new relationship they have started to feel). So they may continue to expect salvation from the therapist instead of listening to their body and accepting the aid it signals represent.

    4. Once clients, accompanied by an enlightened witness, have lived through and understood their fear of their parents (or parental figures), they can gradually start to break off destructive attachments. The positive reaction of the body will not be long in coming: its communications will become more and more and more comprehensible; it will cease to express itself in mysterious symptoms. Then clients will realize that their therapists have deceived them (frequently involuntarily) because forgiveness actually prevents the formation of scar tissue over the old wound, not to speak of complete recovery. And it can never dispel the compulsion to repeat the same pattern over and over again. This is something we can all find out from our own experience.

    “In The Body Never Lies, I have tried to show that some widely held views have long since exploded by scientific research. Among them are the convictions that forgiveness has a salutary effect, that a commandment can produce genuine love, and that feigning feelings that we do not have is compatible with the demand for honesty. But my criticism of such misleading ideas is by not means to be equated with a refusal to recognize any moral standards or with a wholesale rejection of morality.”

    “On the contrary, Precisely because I staunchly uphold certain values – such as integrity, awareness, responsibility, or loyalty to oneself – I have difficulty with the denial of truths that I consider self-evident and have in fact been empirically substantiated.”

    “Inability to face up to the sufferings undergone in childhood can be observed both in the form of religious obedience and in cynicism, irony, and other forms of self-alienation frequently masquerading as philosophy or literature. But ultimately the body will rebel. Even if it can be temporarily pacified with the help of drugs, nicotine, or medicine, it usually has the last word, because it is quicker to see through self-deception than the mind, particularly if the mind has been trained to function as an alienated self. We may ignore or deride the messages of the body, but its rebellion demands to be heeded because its language is the authentic expression of our true selves and of the strength of our vitality.” Alice Miller

    What I find so affirming is are the major factors that Alice believes will help a person heal from abuse is what I discovered as well…

    Honoring thy Mother and thy Father…is no longer valid when they don’t honor you. This is a two way road and that love without honesty isn’t love.

    Secondly, the forgiveness to keep them ‘sin’ free…will not put scar tissue on our wound; it will not help heal us at all. In fact, we eventually will hurt our children, for we are still unhealed and hurt.

    From what I am hearing in my old church based upon the premise of forgiveness, this is self evident. If forgiveness worked, it would have stopped a long time ago. But when you hear that the grandparent was a perpetrator, the parent was perpetrator and now a child is, Forgiveness doesn’t stop abuse!

    And I love how she uses the body as a gauge for our barometer to our honesty. Your body simply does not know how to lie, it just responds in kind to the climate in which it is forced to live.

    How easily our world troubles could be solved if we all were brave enough to speak our truth and walk behind it with grace and courage…

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