I M Perfect lady

Tag: away

  • The Images in our Minds

    "It is because of awareness that we know what is going on in consciousness.  It is because of consciousness that we know what is going on in mind.  Because of mind, we are aware of what is going with sensations. Because of sensations, we are aware of what is going on with the body.  Consequently, that which we are – that which is aware, that which we really mean by the ultimate "I" and the infinite Self, and that which is conscious – is operationally many levels removed from the body.  The interesting thing is that the body expresses and does what the minds holds.  One is subjected to what the mind believes.  In other words, the body, being like a puppet, is controlled by the mind, both consciously and unconsciously.  Few people realize he power of mind over body."  David Hawkins, Healing and Recovery.

    What amazes me continually, is the fact that so many people live lives unquestioning and firmly NOT wanting to know, to look at what was put in their minds and how?  Many are very content following blindly (unconscious) never daring to not follow meekly and without question. 

     I am not sure what brings or strengthens a person's awareness, but without awareness, your life gets left at the same level you were raised in.

    It seems awareness is the ability to question and research your past.

    And you know, the ones with the most to hide, research the least, question nothing and blindly face the future, never wanting to know, know, know what really went on.  Who did what to whom and how did it affect them.

    Parents who abused their children, are the ones firmly intent on letting the past go….letting their sins fade away.  They are the ones who fear questions of the past and fear awareness of what went on…and even worse, face the responsibility of their actions and how it then affected the young and impressionable who lived with them.

    Instead of looking deeply within themselves and their past, they focus intently on the future, like running away…yet they can't.

    Their past rides with them in the lives of their children.  The abuse program virus runs on.

    By not looking, you don't escape.  In fact, it is what keeps your mind in control, your failure to bring in awareness, allows the past to keep re-creating itself. 

    If you were born into a family of abuse and don't want to research it, you will then run on the same program set into place.  

    Somehow the vast majority of society believes that by not focusing on what happened, you will be set free…that you can live  your life forward, without exploring what was put into you.

    It is like you are running a software program to which you don't want to know its content.  Or, you want to believe you are running a wonderful program called loving kindness, when in fact it is one based on fear and abuse.

    There is no way in hell you can live in a home of abuse and come out with a program called love and caring.  NONE.  

    And unless you un-program what was given to you, what you soaked up living in that space, you will live your life with that program leading the charge.

    Running from the source of how you were programmed will not change the program.

    You literally are a software program and will have to change this program while its running in your mind.  Sorting through each untrue thought and switch it around.

    For what I am most certain of is that the child of abuse, in order to survive, changes the labels of emotions or doesn't record them at all.

    It makes a software program that doesn't record truth and reality.

    This illusions software is what it lives with. These are the glasses in which it sees the world. These are the backwards thoughts that live in its head.  The flipped upside down viewpoint of all things.

    We create this fake software in order to survive and it gets left running, unless we become aware of its wrongness.

    You can change locations, stop going to church, you can change clothes and houses, but the software continues to beat out its madness.  You can't change it by changing location.  You can only change it from the inside out.

    You have to see what is programmed and cancel it out.

    And those who will not see abuse, can't cancel it out. The abuse software then run their lives…it lives within them, it can't be out run…the virus isn't on the outside, it is in your head.

    Abuse isn't something out there. Abuse is living with a software program that is the opposite of reality.

    Imagine if you will, if children didn't depend upon their parents in order to survive, do you believe that they would simply allow themselves to be beaten, raped and fondled and be okay with it???

    We have to change the program inside for we can't change the outside. We are forced to live in an alternate universe and get lost there.

    We lose our way back to reality…

    Running away physically will not correct this program.  It is like changing the screen the projector is shining upon.  There is nothing wrong with the screen, but the projector is playing a movie called illusion.

    We say the opposite of what we feel….a film about what isn't our truth.

    In my experience, truth re-programed me.  

    What a parent who is abusing their child fears the most, is that we won't stay programmed, that we will awaken and become aware…that we will truly see and begin to untangle the mess…

    For when we do, our world flips and so do the images in our minds.

    IMG_2882
    (Photograph by Hannah Jukuri)

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • I Run, Because you can’t.

    “There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting.”
    Buddha

    I felt the loneliness today of my Aunt who ran away. A woman I never met, yet I feel we are one.

    I felt her sadness of being misunderstood and unknown, how her choice to save herself, sentenced her to a life alone outside of her family.

    Ostracized for escaping, for saving ourselves, for walking free of abuse, we are not cheered, no clapping instead we are jeered with sarcasm.

    I never ever thought my harshest critics would be from my own family, they are forever punching the already weakened psyche.

    The Little girl within feels so sad, empty of words to make them see.

    Today I wondered about my Aunt and her life, how she survived without contact from her family, yet like me the family she missed is the same one that brings her pain.

    The intellectual part of me understands that the energy they bring me isn’t healthy, but my heart yearns for acceptance, for understanding and even empathy.

    Like missing the stick that is poking you in the eye.

    I have more empathy for folks who are set aside because of who they are, parts of themselves they cannot change.

    Maybe because my Aunt disappeared and no one spoke her name that I want there to be words about me.

    Perhaps this blog is a way that I too will not just simply disappear without a trace. (www.imperfectlady.typepad.com)

    In the first few days of my father being accused of criminal sexual conduct, I wrote.

    I wrote in disbelief, I wrote the words to anchor myself somewhere, to hold me in the sea of grief.

    Writing is evidence of my journey.

    I have kept all written communications from my family as evidence. I know that is an odd word to use.

    It was the evidence I needed to sort out which one of us was in reality and which one wasn’t.

    My mental mind fought a long hard battle up against reality and in reality there are written words from a family who is not cheering me.

    In as much as I want them to be cheering, what I needed more were their words of mental ness to shine the way out.

    Maybe in the end their shouts of sarcasm are cheering me forward.

    They are showing me there is nothing for me back there.
    They were showing me how not to be.
    Showing me how far I have come.

    I feel the energy of my runaway aunt; she joins me in spirit as I run along, lending me her courage and strength. I feel the spirit of many little girls whose time ran out, who were too empty to begin, I run for you.

    I run towards wholeness with truth at my side.
    I feel you with me as I run.

    The refrain “you are the wind beneath my wings” came to mind.

    I am so grateful I was able to run away.
    I am so not alone.
    All little girls everywhere who suffered like I, I run for you.
    I run, because you can’t.

  • My Soul Cheers

    Shutting the valves or entry points where I have allowed toxic behavior and or negative energy to seep in, feels soooo liberating, so empowering, so self loving, I feel so lightened by this, if only I knew that I wouldn’t feel alone, but empowered, I wouldn’t have waited so long.

    The first time I left my family, I did so in fear, anger and anxiety, in moments of pure panic due to the way they were all acting, I segregated myself in solitary confinement in fear. Fear of who they were and how weak I literally was, I scurried to be far far away from them.

    I was out of control in a lonely spot with raging fear, alone and empty inside, twisted up with confused and conflicting images, tangling love and fear, I had to run to survive, not knowing that I would survive…I left.

    It wasn’t an act of courage or empowerment but an act of sheer terror.

    The difference between fleeing in terror or fleeing with knowingly and great awareness are oceans apart.

    One leaves you vulnerable and alone.
    The other empowered and alive with great gusts of newfound peace, like breathing or not breathing.

    Breathing with the right to orchestrate your world, using your free will to close the source of pain that flows into your world.

    What a great thing to know, how empowerment is grown, it is birthed by making a choice, using your awareness and seeing the cause, doing what you can to eliminate it in your world.

    This isn’t at all about them, but about you.

    You have the right to open and close relationships.

    I love that I found the energy to use the switch, to flip the button to off.

    It doesn’t change who they are, but it greatly changes their impact in my world. Little did I know, even though I left the window open, that I was the one I was waiting for…

    Inside, as my tank overflows with empowerment, my soul cheers!

    (I think I scored one for me!)

  • I Didn’t Forgive Her

    When women feel they have learned to forgive their mothers – and men, their fathers – all it usually means is that they've decided to allow themselves the same kind of behavior.

    ~Mignon McLaughlin

     

    The above quote caught my attention and I full heartedly agreed.  Yet someone commented that it was kinda negative, and I agree it is negative and rightly so.

     

    What is forgiveness?

    How is it applied and why?

    Who needs it and is it our responsibility to apply forgiveness upon the behaviors from someone who have hurt us, and if so, what does it change?

     

    If I hurt someone, will them adding forgiveness on top like gravy make it feel better, remove my actions, will they feel less pain and will it stop me from hurting them again?  What is my consequence for hurting them?  Them being okay and letting it go letting me be a harmful humanbeing, is that good for me??? 

     

    While the word sounds so compassionate and very loving, is it?

     

    Forgiveness is applied upon another, when I believe it was meant for personal use.

     

    I had mentioned to my mother a long time ago, that the forgiveness she seeks is of her self, and I still agree with that today.

     

    How do you apply forgiveness? 

     

    Is it a thought, a feeling, an emotion and it it possible to transfer it to someone?

     

    In my experience of how my siblings used forgiveness it is to ‘overlook’ pardon the hurtful actions and remain in a relationship with my parents. 

     

    It is seen as a more loving thing to do.

     

    More loving than not forgiving.

     

    What is not forgiving? 

     

    Is it to not overlooking the actions, not pardoning them, but holding them accountable?  Is that wrong?

     

    I am not seeing why it is bad to hold someone accountable, to not pardon their behavior, what am I missing here?

     

    It didn’t take me long to realize that IF my father was a monster, and IF I didn’t see that, and due to the fact that I had missed this fact, I had brought my girls to him, I was accountable for my behaviors, there was no pardon that would change that fact, none.

     

    I was the driver of the car that brought them to him.

    I hold myself responsible for my part.

     

    As a child who didn’t know, but feared him and was silent, I was not to be pardoned for not telling, being silent was a behavior that was not to be overlooked, for when I was silent he continued to abuse.

     

    You can’t pardon my behaviors and even if you did, they will not change the outcome of the past 45 years, nothing, absolutely nothing will change if you forgive me.

     

    Nor did it ever even once cross my mind to ask my children or my siblings to forgive me, for I knew full well, what my actions had caused.

     

    Martha Beck has a new meaning of forgiveness that I have adopted, “Forgiveness is accepting that the past will not change.”

     

    I agree.

     

    I have been working on forgiveness, (accepting) my actions and behaviors for the first 46 years of my life, and there is no pardon on earth that will change what happened.  None.

     

    No fancy words.

    No transferring energy to me.

    No emotions can be put upon me to change the outcomes, none.

     

    What was done was done.

    Many a little girl lost her innocence and there is no pardon for that, none.

     

    Pardons will not change it.

    Overlooking what happened will not change it.

    Refusing to hold them accountable today does not change it, yet all I can do is make sure today that I remain accountable of my actions today.

     

    Today I will not forgive him, that is for him to do.

    Today I will not forgive her, that is for her to do.

     

    Today I will forgive myself by accepting that the past will not change, that I can’t change who I was back there, I can’t change what happened, but I can change who I am today.

     

    Who I am today is someone who will not overlook, look around or away from a behavior that hurts, I will hold you accountable for your actions and me for mine, I will speak up instead of be silent about my feelings, and I want you to be honest with me about yours.

     

    I don’t want a repeat of my first 46 years.

     

    I am grateful I have a second chance at life.

     

    Grateful that I have been able to make corrections so history will not repeat itself in my life.

     

    I am grateful I didn’t learn to forgive my mother, for I would have allowed the same behavior in myself.

     

    It was for both of us that I didn’t forgive her.