I M Perfect lady

Tag: beliefs

  • My Natural State.

    What struck me as I wrote about the Unbelievers verses the Believers is that we all breathe air and we all have the same bodies, our only striking differences are what we believe, or the thoughts in our heads.

    I had just heard Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor speaking on Sirius and she made reference to the genetic similarities of humanity that I would love to share.

    (My Stroke of Insight)

    “Biological evolution generally occurs from a stat of lesser complexity to a state of greater complexity. Nature ensures her own efficiency by not reinventing the wheel with every new species she creates. Generally, once nature identifies a pattern in the genetic code that works towards the survival of the creature, like a blossom for nectar transmission, a heart to pump blood, a sweat gland to help regulate body temperature or an eyeball for vision, she tends to build that feature into future permutations of that specific code. By adding a new level of programming on top of an already well-established set of instructions, each new species contains a strong foundation of time-tested DNA sequences. This is one of the simple ways through which nature transmits the experience and wisdom bestowed by ancient life to her progeny.

    Another advantage of this type of build-on-top-of-what-already-works genetic engineering strategy is that very small manipulations of the genetic sequencing can result in major revolutionary transformations. In our genetic profile, believe it or not, scientific evidence indicates that we humans share 99.4% of our total DNA sequences with the chimpazee.

    This does not mean, of course, that humans are direct descendants from our tree-swinging friends, but it does emphasize that the genius of our molecular code is supported by eons of nature’s greatest evolutionary effort. Our human code was not a random act, at least not in its entirety, but rather is better construed as nature’s ever-evolving quest for a body of genetic perfection.

    As members of the same human species, you and I share all but 0.01% (1/100th of 1%) of identical genetic sequences. So biologically, as a species, you and I are virtually identical to one another at the level of our genes (99.9%). Looking around at the diversity within our human race, it is obvious that 0.01% accounts for a significant difference in how we look, think and behave.
    Dr. Jill

    What I find so interesting is that we are so alike yet so different in our responses to life, and what we are taught to believe makes a huge difference in how we live.

    Our bodies have similar genetic make up, yet how these bodies experience life is much more dictated by who raised us and their personal beliefs.

    It is very interesting to me to learn about why you live life the way you live it. I always say, I am perfect coming from whence I came. I simply couldn’t have known no better, being taught what I was taught, either by word or deed.

    I am a perfect rendition of a person who traveled as I traveled.

    What I awoke to in December 2004 was the realization that I had no independent beliefs or even person.

    I thought as one part of a big mind controlled religion, my mind wasn’t mine to own.

    What actually woke up in that moment was the awareness of how little of me was actually mine.

    I told my brother today, all I owned in that moment was my breath.

    All the rest seemed to be tainted from the abuse or the religion, there wasn’t a part of me that was free, but my breath.

    I stayed with my breath. I trusted nature and walked with it, seeking its natural independence. Nature became my teacher in learning how to be me.

    Slowly I am returning to my natural state.

  • My mind’s point of view.

    Byron Katie says, “There are no mistakes” and I have to agree. We do that which we do with the knowledge and awareness we have at the time, when we know better or believe differently we do better.

    It isn’t a mistake it is a level of understanding.

    I even looked up the word Mistake and here is the definition,

    An error or fault resulting from defective judgment, deficient knowledge, or carelessness. 2. A misconception or misunderstanding.

    Some how we were taught that mistakes were bad, yet in reality it is a case of deficient knowledge and defective jugement.

    We can only act at the level of understanding, it is impossible to be above your level of knowing, it simply can’t happen.

    Byron Katie’s passion is to question stressful thoughts, to go after the thoughts that make us suffer.

    Mostly I think we suffer believing we are supposed to be where we are not, doing things we didn’t know how to do.

    We are where we are.

    We know what we know.

    And we can’t know what we don’t know.

    And once we know we can’t not know.

    It seems that life is all about being here and agreeing with what you know now, accepting yourself in this moment fully.

    Looking backwards you can see with your new found wisdom the places you missed the mark, but due to your level of understanding in that moment, it makes perfect sense, so no mistake, just the lack of knowing.

    On that dreadful day when I woke up to the fact that all I knew was not all there was to know, I found that I knew much less than there was to know.

    My greatest strength was being able to let go of all I knew to begin to learn about the things I didn’t.

    I simply sat down in the fact that I lived a life at the tip of the iceberg and it was to my own benefit to get to know me. Imagine living as me but knowing me.
    An incredible frightful place to find yourself living as someone you don’t know.

    My first step was to admit to myself I didn’t know me, know where I came from who the people I called family were, I began looking at my life as a stranger would.

    I began from the stance of I know nothing.

    And by doing so was able to be open to everything.

    I had lost confidence in all I knew and had no pre-sets or standards to adhere to, I was standing naked in an open space willing to see reality without my minds concepts.

    Mindless I stood.

    The landscape I then discovered didn’t match my old mind at all.

    We then danced this dance between reality and my old mind, like a game of old maid, trying to see what matched and what did not.

    In the end my mind lost only but 100% of the time.

    As Byron Katie says, reality is God and God is reality.

    I guess we could say the only mistake is believing an unchallenged mind.

    For I challenged my mind against reality, nothing was too sacred for the test, no family member, no title, no past cute deeds, all I dragged into the game of matching mind to reality.

    My mind was so far off the mark, that I began to understand that I fell into reality with a broken mind.

    Or you could say I went out of my mind on that day when I discovered a pedophile instead of a dad.

    And I did.

    My mind had a story that didn’t match reality, a story that I held sacred was an illusion, it couldn’t walk in reality.

    All my love, my life and my way was poured into an illusion that wasn’t even true.

    At 46 I awoke in the middle of a nightmare, in a play where I was the star but it was based upon lies, lies that I called truth. My fantasy world crumbled and a nightmare slid in place.

    Harsh reality boldly took over where my pretend mind stood.

    Yet this reality was actually kind to me, it affirmed my path, it resonated with my body, and it set me free from the mental mind.

    If your mind is not clear and you can’t see reality, you are then living in a foreign land, once removed from reality.

    You can live there for a lifetime and not touch reality.

    I know this seems insane and it is, to be in reality and not know it.

    I lived for 46 years in a mind that was blind to what is.

    Doing things that no one in their right mind would do.
    Saying and believing things that only an insane person would do.

    Yet there are no mistakes in my past.

    My past life was lived from my mind’s point of view.

  • Show and Tell

    The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be. ~Socrates

    I looked up the meaning of the word Integrity and one of its meanings is to be in a state of completeness, undivided.

    My girlfriend said the definition that they are teaching children in elementary school, is that what you say, what you think and what you do all match.

    I had to let go of many relationships of people who were unable to walk the talk they talked.

    I am much more in awe of folks who have integrity and make no excuses even if what they are doing is unkind. At least they are not putting on a friendly face while acting poorly.

    If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it’s a duck.

    We get lulled by words and swayed in fancy sentences when actions are way off base.

    My husband knows a man called Snake, and he asked him how he got that handle? The man said he earned it. I like that. My husband went on to tell me this man spent time in jail for having a relationship with a young girl…

    If only we called folks by their behaviors it would make life a much easier way to navigate.

    “People show us who they are, Believe them,” is Maya Angelou’s quote.

    The key words are Show and Believe… it is as if the world is one big place of Show and Tell, but instead of bring something to show, we bring ourselves.

    We are all showing people who we are and they are showing us.

    It is not a game of pretending to be something different.

    Watch actions, how they display themselves and how they take care of their lives, they are on this stage called life being who they are, it is our job to believe what it is we see.

    How often do you give them the benefit of doubt? Whose doubt? Who doesn’t want to believe and why? What will happen if you believe? What will you lose?

    It is incredible to me now to not believe them. It is like they are screaming their truths and we are blocking our ears and shutting our eyes.

    “People Show you who they are, BELIEVE them.”

    We don’t want to believe who they are, for it will wreck our dream.

    The pain we are afraid of is the sorrow of our broken dreams.
    It isn’t so much that we lose them; we lose our dreams and our future.

    Yet what is the karma we are actually tending to?

    A lifetime of dancing with people who are disappointing, for they can’t measure up to what we hold in our minds, for we refuse to believe who they really are.

    It gets you so confused, that you then lose who you are.

    You are a believer of what is not.

    While extremely painful, it was very liberating to finally be able to believe in what people showed me. I love what is. I stay in step and in tune with the show and tell!

  • Mask of High Morals.

    When I looked up the meaning of Evil it said “profoundly immoral or wrong.” And when I looked up the word Immoral it said ”contrary to accepted moral principles.”

    And, Moral is defined as “relating to issues of right and wrong” or “derived from personal conscience: based on what somebody’s conscience suggests is right or wrong, rather than on what rules or the law says should be done.”

    So evil is breaking the moral code.

    What happens in a family where the moral code is twisted, if right is wrong and wrong is right?

    When a child breaks that code, instead of being right, the family actually sees them as evil, for they broke the family’s moral code.

    I am surprised that evil is actually defined more by morals or immoral behavior than actual rules and laws.

    Discerning evil is harder when what you call normal is evil and good is a foreign concept.

    Evil is actually only a personal affront to your own morals. And the morals are personal to you.

    Morals, “according to common standard of justice: regarded in terms of what is known to be right or just, as opposed to what is officially or outwardly declared to be right or just.”

    What is known to be right or just, not what is an official right or wrong.

    My teachings of evil or my awareness of morals were defined by my parents and my mother’s religion, the churches conscience was my mothers.

    Evil is going against the morals…and if the morals themselves are evil, then what?

    Raised in a vaccum of evil morals all good becomes evil.

    Imagine living up to evil morals…where the gold standard is far beneath its value, where bad is seen as good and good bad.

    It seem perposterous, incredibly insane, to not recognize evil, the evil of the norm. But when your evil was defined by a limited cult of religious fanatics, you are then raised to see anything outside the walls of the churches morals to be wrong.

    The church wore a mask of high morals.

  • What is inside of Us.

    There is an objective reality out there, but we view it through the spectacles of our beliefs, attitudes, and values.
    ~David G. Myers

    Isn’t it amazing that we all see a different world, a world that is colored by our spectacles, our rose colored lenses, the darkened glasses of beliefs, or the tint of values pressed upon us by religion, parents and society, how we literally can’t see the world objectively, for before we even arrive in a room our beliefs, attitudes and values make an entrance.

    The real world is changed right before our eyes within our beliefs.

    We don’t see the object, but rather our beliefs about the object.

    Today people wore purple to stop bullying, yet the bullies are wearing glasses that were put on them and until you can change the ideas behind the bullies, the bullies will continue acting with what they see in their minds.

    They are not seeing the person in front of them, but rather their beliefs being worn on that person.

    If a gay man walks in front of them, they do not see him at all, but rather all the things they were taught about him.

    The gay man in reality is covered up with beliefs, attitudes and values of the person seeing him, and none of it is true in reality.

    A coat he can’t escape, for he isn’t wearing it.

    How can he change what he isn’t?

    The glasses have the coat upon them.

    I seen the following on Margo Van Sluytman’s website.

    Sawbonna
    My soul sees your soul.
    And our shared dancing,
    Stretches to the very core
    Of all that is possible.
    All that is.

    Instead of wearing purple shirts, perhaps we can lose our glasses made of mirrors, mirrors of what is inside of us.

  • Life with Empty Arms.

    I prayed for twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs. 

    ~Frederick Douglass, escaped slave

     

    Last night in a dream I was able to see what I carried around, what I have been trying to put down or at least find the owner.

     

    In my dream I was holding a boneless fat baby and dragging this huge duffle bag, which was his.

     

    Life seemed to be moving along all around me, opportunities to engage, from adventures to shopping to eating in fine diners, people coming and going, and there I was with the floppy baby.

     

    I couldn’t get a good grip to hold it, for the chub was slippery and I tried really hard to keep its head up and limbs looking normal, while dragging this huge heavy bag.

     

    In yoga today, it came to me that this represents my spineless self, the one who didn’t stand for anything, but instead had to be carried around.  And this self came with a ton of baggage.

     

    This baby was forever hungry; all I recall is the mouth under a head of wild hair.

     

    What a great overview of seeing my self with carting around a belief system that kept me from being me and engaging in life.

     

    I knew that the baby wasn’t mine and was searching for the owner, being my responsible self; I was unable to just drop it.

     

    This also shows my dedication in not letting go, that I expect to find a person to take my old self from me, instead of just doing the job myself.

     

    Now that I have this visual of how it feels to live with self with so much baggage, perhaps I will be able to just let it go.

     

    Let it go and walk away free.

     

    Free to enjoy life with empty arms!

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Knowing Me From the Inside Out.

    "The Four Agreement Companion Book" by Miguel Angel Ruiz, M.D. and Janet Mills.  In it they write:

    "All the suffering and drama in your life is the result of what you have learned.  Whatever you learn is alive.  The image that you have of yourself is alive, and it lives in your mind.  That image is not you, but it will use everything it perceives to justify its own existence. It is not you, but it is eating you alive and destroying your happiness."

    "The voice of knowledge inside your mind controls the dream of your life.  The Toltec's call it a Parasite; the Bible calls it evil.  It is a living being that exists in your belief system, and lives by eating your faith, your intent, and your happiness.  What is sad is that you believe the knowledge is you; you believe the image is what you are.  The program, or Parasite, is really the one who is living your life, not you.  But this program was not there when you were born."

    "When you were born, your mind was completely innocent.  You had no concepts about good or bad, right or wrong, beauty or ugliness; you had no concepts at all.  You had no idea what it means to be a human, to be a man or to be woman, but you saw other people outside of you, and you recognized them as your own kind."

    "When you are one, two, or three years old, you cannot see yourself.  The only way to see yourself is to look at your image in a mirror, and other people act as that mirror.  You don't know what you are, but your mother tells you what you are, and your father tells you what you are, and brothers and sisters do the same thing.  The other humans around you have the capacity to project an image onto you, which means they tell you what they believe you are."

    "What your mother tells you is not exactly what your father tells you that you are, or what your siblings, or the television, or the church, or the whole society tells you that you are.  Every human in your life projects a completely different image onto you, and none of these images are accurate.  What you believe you are is a distorted image of yourself that came from other people — from mirrors that always distort images.  Because you cannot see yourself, you believe them as you agree with them.  As soon as you agree, the image is programmed in your memory, and now you believe this is what you are."

    "What were the images others projected onto you?  When you say, "I am smart, I am stupid, I'm beautiful, I am ugly," it is really the program who says I AM.  These images are only knowledge or a lot of concepts, but they aren't you." 

    "You perceive all the distorted images others create for you, and at a certain point you take all these images and try to make sense of them.  You create another whole image of yourself, and project it to the outside world:  I am good in school; I am bad in sports.  Then you practice that image until you master it.  And because people are projecting different images onto you, you are always asking them about yourself.  You are asking for the projections to support what you already believe, to support the distorted images you have about yourself."

    "In the same way other people project their beliefs onto you, you agree, and they become yours.  They teach you to judge the way they judge, to gossip the way they gossip, to create dramas the way they create dramas.  You begin to play with all these concepts, all this knowledge, and that is how you learn to dream."

    "The Toltec's call this the dream of the first attention because it is the first time you used your attention to create a whole reality.  And because your attention is hooked from the outside, your whole world is projected to the outside.  You begin to search for the yourself outside of you because you no longer trust who you are.  You search for what you believe you don't have:  justice, beauty, happiness, and love, when all of these were always inside of you."

    "Can you see the beginning of all the suffering and drama in your life?  You need a mirror in the world to see yourself, but there isn't a clear mirror to tell you what you are.  So you agree with the image others create for you, but you are not that image.  Of course you modify the image and you change it all the time, but where is the real you?  It gets lost because there isn't a good mirror to reflect what you really are."

                Don Miguel Ruiz, Janet Mills

    This book will be one of my pivotal books in explaining and affirming how I woke up one day and had no idea who I truly was, but had a great idea of who I wasn’t.

    The world is pretty scary when you can’t trust yourself, and instead rely on others to define you, your sense of self changes many times a day depending upon who you are with.

    Wayne Dyer’s quote, “Beyond the good opinion of others…” comes to mind, when their opinions can’t shake yours.

    I have unlearned who I was to re-learn who I am.

    The greatest gift I was ever given was to find out I didn’t know who I was, while it was the most terrified I have ever been, it also was the most exhilarating.

    Parts of the old me come floating in from time to time, just to be recognized for what I am not, each bringing back to me a new space or an open spot for a new idea, a new awareness, a new discovery to be made.

    Undoing the old beliefs and thoughts or mirror images others and my self thought of me, giving way to new me.

    My outsides have changed little, but the redecorating that is going on inside my head and the way I feel about myself is quite stunning.

    Knowing me from the inside out. 

  • Bubble Of Pretend

    I was told yesterday that hypochondria was a disease, that somebody with an imaginary illness, is ill.

     

    I had never considered that just believing in something nonexistent made you sick.

     

    It is a belief in something that isn’t there, an imaginary idea, and the belief is what makes you ill.

     

    In denial you refuse to acknowledge existence of something and being a hypochondriac you believe in something imaginary.

     

    The two seem like kissing cousins, related in an odd way, where both are removed from what is truly going on, and both cases, it is a belief that keeps them ill.

     

    Within a dysfunctional family we have relationship hypochondriacs (or the opposites), for they believe in something imaginary; believing things to be better than they truly are, and unable to see the illnesses that surround them.

     

    The coorelation between the two is remarkable.

     

    I am surprised I didn’t realize that just believing in something imaginary is in itself an illness.

     

    While the hypochondriac is convinced things are worse than they are, a person in a dysfunctional relationship are convinced things are much better than they are.

     

    I wish they had a name for the opposite of a hypochondriac.  When I looked it up on Yahoo here is what I found.

     

    “The opposite is a MAN! Most men will think nothing is wrong with them even if the tumor is growing out of their head!”

     

    I guess the opposite is thinking nothing is wrong in the face of evidence to the contrary.

     

    Both sides are caught in a belief that keeps them from seeing what is true, and that in itself is the illness.

     

    Stuck in a belief that doesn’t exist in real life.

     

    Living in a bubble of pretend.

     

     

  • Keeping Our Family Sweet

    I am drawn to stories of adult children who have escaped cult like religions and who speak out about the abuse they endured, and the juxtaposition between religion and abuse.

     

    The severity of the abuse almost seems equal to the severity of the religious beliefs, the stricter the more deviant the abuse.

     

    There seems to be a common theme of obeying.

     

    As Brent W. Jeffs writes in his book “Lost Boy” when speaking of his mother.

     

    “Her life was focused on following the church’s command to Keep Sweet.  This meant to submitting to its rules and leader and through him, God, not grudgingly but happily.” 

     

    “Submitting happily.”

     

    Under the veil of religion unspeakable things happen, and due to the ‘nature’ of religion we are seen worse for not submitting happily. 

     

    They focus on how we respond, not what has happened.  How do we accept being abused, am I a good abused girl?

     

    What does it mean in the eyes of the church to be a good abused girl?

     

    What is beyond what a mind can hold is that the focus and guilt or shame is put upon the child IF she can’t keep sweet. 

     

    I am the one with the problem, it’s my response, NOT him in his crime against me.  It is how I responded that is seen as a major fault.

     

    What I still find so utterly unfathomable is the guilt or wrongness I feel for not keeping sweet. 

     

    It is almost like feeling bad for not living the lie anymore, a feeling of being guilty for no longer pretending.

     

    The focus is on us no longer keeping sweet and that is a crime that is against the family rules, a sin that is punishable by shunning or being excommunicated.

     

    They don’t shun the criminal, but the one who fails to respond as the religion dictates.

     

    I had an adult woman tell me that there is no sin to big to forgive.  Laying the guilt upon me, IF I could not forgive this deed and remain a loving daughter.

     

    The religion doesn’t leave room for the child, no matter what age to move away from the abuser.

     

    While the forgiveness wipes the abuser clean, it leaves the abused pretending to be clean when we are not.

     

    The whole system that religion operates under, works wonderfully well for abusers and offers nothing for the abused.

     

    When I spoke up I paved my way out of the religion and out of my family.  I broke both their rules.

     

    Keeping our family sweet.

     

     

     

  • I will see.

     

    What I know for sure is that you can’t convince people against their will.

     

    Their will is inside and it is their experiences of the world, their minds and beliefs that are standing in front of you.

     

    You simply can’t take the wall down from the outside, no matter how you articulate your words trying to explain your actions; they will simply not hear what is said in the manner it is presented.

     

    Their beliefs block it out.

     

    Anymore than their words will convince me against my feelings and experience.

     

    To get someone to experience what I have, to make them feel what I feel is to hijack their bodies, and I can’t.

     

    They are the sole owner of that body, their beliefs, thoughts and fears.  They are quite happy doing what they are doing; otherwise they would change.

     

    What I have to change is believing they want to change.  What I have to change is trying to change them against their wills. 

     

    I must accept what is.

    I must accept their will.

    I must accept their beliefs.

    I must accept who they show me they are.

    I must not try and change them.

    I must not try and convince them against their will.

    I must not try and change their beliefs.

    I must meet them right exactly where they are at, in acceptance.

    They are perfect. There is nothing there for me to change.

    Anymore than there is something in me that I want them to change.  I want them to see me exactly as I am.

     

    I don’t want a pinch of something that isn’t me added to me, not one false ideal, thought or belief. 

     

    I want me to be seen as me.

    All my actions exactly as they are.

    All my words as they are intended.

    And I will do the same to others.

    I will see you as you are and not who I want you to be.

    I will see your actions pure.

    I will hear your words clear.

    I will not make an illusional you.

     

    You get to show me who you are.

    I will see.