I M Perfect lady

Tag: believing

  • Same Opinion Still

    In my book club we are reading Byron Katie's book, "Loving What is". This the first book that told me it was okay to not only accept my reality but it was also okay to move in harmony with what is.

    She writes, "Alcohol is honest and true: It promises to get you drunk, and it does; it promises to make things worse, and it does.  It's always true to its word.  It's a great teacher of integrity.  It doesn't say, "Drink me."  It just sits there, true to itself, being what it is and waiting to do its job."

    She is the one who taught me that Pedophiles rape, fondle, and do sexual things to little children.  She taught me not to argue with that, but to fully accept it.

    In the first weeks of my niece saying that my father abused her, there was total confusion; our family was trying to fit this new definition into their old worlds.  

    It came to me really quickly that we all would have to pick just one of our now two choices; Either he was a Father or a Pedophile, but he couldn't be both.  

    That is exactly what happened, but it was a very slim minority that could see him as a pedophile and then take the steps needed to show that.  Most instead found it within them to keep the father and to glance but not stare at the pedophile ways.

    There is no one in our family who doesn't know he has pedophile ways, but there are some who believe they can keep watch on him, to see that he doesn't molest again.

    He is only doing what he has always done.  He has been the most authentic person in our family…as a pedophile he is doing perfectly his job…he always abuses little girls when give the opportunity.  He never fails.

    As we read and become more familiar with Pedophiles between Penn State and Sheldon Kennedy's story, we can see the timeline, the history and path of integrity these pedophiles have, they stay true to form, but we as the public or the bystanders waver and fail.

    We fail to see what their actions are screaming at us.

    We fail to hear the stories others tell us about them.

    And we fail to act like there is a pedophile in our midst.

    We want so desperately to instead keep our first image, be it true or false, we are the ones who fail reality….NOT reality.

    In reality, in the history of my father, starting with me…he abuses little girls.  My abuse started in the 1960's and he continued to stay true to course and my niece's abuse happened in 2004.  He never failed us.

    We failed him.  We failed to catch his signal…each time we didn't tell, didn't go to the authorities.  We failed to shut him down.  He is doing what pedophiles do.  Just as a murderer kills people, a pedophile sexually molests children.  When you fail to accept or acknowledge that It is you who is wrong not him.  He is showing you who he is…Believe him…as Maya Angelou says.

    My father is a pedophile and most have been acting deaf and blind, pretending not to know know know…

    For if you know know know it, then you will have to begin to change your whole life.  

    My whole life changed from being a daughter to being a victim of his pedophile ways.  If I ignored my abuse, I would not be living an authentic life.

    My authentic life is that I was sexually abused, raped by my father. 

    To ignore my abuse is to be inauthentic to me.

    Some may think that it is unkind to speak of this, to openly discuss what happened, that it taints the man who clothed and fed 14 children, but if I don't speak of it, it taints us all anyway.

    Somehow we believe that the words will wreck the family, tear up a relationship etc and that we can somehow manage to salvage a father daughter relationship.

    Really?  How?  He stopped being a father the moment he raped me and I stopped being a daughter and instead became a victim of incest, of a criminal sexual act.

    My mother even has written to me saying, "I failed you as a mother, but can we not meet then as friends…"

    Really, you just want to switch to a new role?  How?  

    Can we just re-label who we are and go on?

    Can we just slide in place labels that make us feel better so we don't have to be that which we are?

    How can my mother turn from mother to friend?  She will always be my mother.  A mother who knew and did nothing about her pedophile husband, except say she would be vigilant.

    Vigilant about what?  It seems she was the most vigilant about keeping a husband and her marriage. 

    Yesterday it came to me that I have been wanting so desperately for you all to accept reality of many pedophiles being pedophiles in the church, while you all are wanting so desperately wanting to keep 'good christians' there.

    I give up.  Just as I had to accept within my family, that many would not remove the label father, I get it now that you all refuse to change your images of who preaches from the pulpit. 

    You are allowed to keep that image…I am no longer going to tell you to drop it.  Hold it dear, hang on with vigilance to your church being the church of your dreams…It is not my job to change your minds.

    This whole exchange has brought me great clarity.  It wasn't that the Huhta family wasn't worth saving, it was that your mind was incapable of being changed.

    There was nothing a Huhta could do to make you all act any differently; Not the cutest among us or the most articulate or funny, not the blue eyed innocence…it wasn't us, it was always you.

    There literally isn't anything any of us can do about what you think…only you can.

    Inside each of you, you too get to pick….Is he a pedophile or is he just another minister?  You and you alone decide….and you and you alone will reap the consequences of your thoughts.

    How beautiful and kind the Universe is to deliver up to us bloggers, us victims of criminal sexual abuse by members of the FALC, to have another great example of Penn State, where we can see how authority has much to lose if the word got out, that there are members of this organization who are abusing children. 

    I see Don Daavettila as Joe Paterno.

    I see The FALC as Penn State.

    I see that the boys stories are being told….Carl, Jim and Josh.

    I see that the girls stories are being told, Me and Leah.

    I see and I see.

    And yet so many will not see. They want the 'game' of religion to go, they want the 'coaches' to remain someone to look up to.

    We are telling you what is going on and it is up to you to sit in the pews or not.  It is not up to us. We are free.

    Just as it was with my family, it would have been easier if I didn't care, if I didn't give a rats ass about what you all thought.  But, sadly it is your thoughts that keep allowing children to be abused.

    You have active pedophiles doing what active pedophles do, today, right now within your organization.  And there is nothing I can do to change your mind about it…you are the Penn State people who knew and did nothing.

    What I see is active blind and deafness where this subject is concerned…minds convinced against their will are of the same opinion still.  

     

     

  • Control your ears

    What I find so intriguing in having a discussion with half the folks hiding behind a curtain called anonymous is that you feel so brave in calling what we do vindictive or petty or airing our dirty laundry, when you can’t even tell us who you are

    Why are you demeaning us for being so open? 

    When did it become better to hide our truths?

    Or do you only want us to hide dirty things that were done to us? 

    When we hide what was done to us, we take on shame.

    When we expose what was done to us, we become free of shame.

    When I accept what I did, I no longer have the need to hide.

    There is something really wrong about you hiding and yelling at us for being out in the open.

    My brother clued me into why I may be a little gun shy around folks who hide their ‘real identity’, my father hid his from me and my mother hid hers from me.

    I had them pictured much different than how they turned out to be.  And even my siblings. We think we know how others will act, but you can’t know until tried and tested.

    In fact one of the comments on the comment section of the http://extoots.blogspot.com/ blog said “No offense to anyone, just not a church issue to me although if still happening today I know I could count on my fellow brothers and sisters in faith without a doubt!”

    How can ‘anonymous’ be so sure.  Has she ever brought to them that she has been abuse by someone in the church or perhaps family?  That is an untried assumption, without a leg to stand upon.

    And since when is abuse not a church issue?  If the church members are being abused, it is an issue in the church.  And how you all deal with it should be brought up. 

    That is like saying; abuse is not a family issue.

    Here is another thing I want you all to know… 

    What I thought I knew about my family and who they actually were were miles apart.  I was so far off base; in the end my family of 15 shrunk down to one.  One brother and I see this eye to eye.  The rest had a different response and it wasn’t my back they covered, but my fathers and mothers.

    You all presume everyone will take the side of a victim, but I am here to tell you it isn’t so.

    It seems to me that lots of the anonymous people are making assumptions.

    Assumptions about others…

    Assuming they are going to act a certain way when until you are there in real life, you have no clue. 

    Or assuming why others are acting a certain way and assuming this without asking the source for the real reasons.

    And at the same time the anonymous are assuming, we the ones saying our names are Telling you how it really is, and you are not believing us.

    Isn’t it just insane?

    Anonymous people assuming. 

    Named people not assuming but saying what it is.

    And who are most FALC people believing? 

    They seem to have faith in assumptions and anonymous people.

    And disbelief for the ones with experience.

    Yet we are treading on delicate surface here, we are making ripples in the calm waters of what you know to be true in your life so far.  And what we are asking of you is to take our experiences and learn from them.

     

    And what I know for sure is some will and others will need to walk my walk in order to believe.

    It matters not to me who believes and who doesn’t believe that there are pedophiles within your church.  My children are no longer there and my grandchildren most like will not arrive there.  For me, my immediate suffering within the walls of the FALC are over.

    I am saying this to spare you my long walk…but that will be strictly up to you.  How you accept my words is not my responsibility, it is yours.

    You can hear what you want to hear and disregard the rest…you and you alone control your ears.

     

  • Where Your Best Interests Lie.

    I believe reality or truth stands alone, splendid and perfectly brilliant, and we all see it from our own life experiences.

    The topic is abuse.  We all know what it is.  There are no doubts or contention on that, what we are seemingly arguing about is what side do you stand upon.  What side do you believe or do you believe it at all?

    There is the side of the perpetrator or the side of the person recounting her/his childhood story, whose side do you hear about and what do you hear, what makes sense and what doesn’t make sense, and what does a victim gain by going public and what does the perpetrator gain by being silent and supported?

    Sometimes we pick our side by what we would do.

    What takes more courage to stand alone speaking of the unspeakable in hopes of stopping this insanity or of remaining silent?

    And why do you pick to speak or not to speak?

    Is it fear of who you are or what you have to lose?

    Is it fear of the repercussions or fear of remaining silent and what that is doing to who you are?

    At one point all who read Jim’s story or mine will pick a side of belief of disbelief, and I believe it has nothing to do with our facts or the usage of the English language, which I believe Jim is a natural born story teller.

    I instead believe that the side you stand upon all is predisposed; it is where you have walked in this life.

    It has more to do with what you stand to lose compared to what we have to say.

    How invested is your life in the FALC or in the fact that the Torola’s remain free of abuse? 

    There is very little vested interest in my family for we are converts, a one family family within the church.  No Aunts, Uncles or cousins, just us.  No preachers or founding fathers, no long lineage, just one big family, with only two brothers remaining in ‘faith’. 

    I am thinking we were not important FALC people; our abuse didn’t affect anyone but us.  It didn’t spill over into the faith of anyone or would it wiggle their beliefs.

    It was our dirty little secret in a bubble, a zit on the face of the FALC, but not the make up or integrity of the FALC.

    People reading our stories have more to lose by believing in Jim, than believing in me.  You can believe in me and keep your faith, but when you believe in Jim, your faith begins to wobble; you will have to face the fact that abuse may travel backwards to the creators of the FALC.

    My lineage is of no bearings to you, the only folks who get up in arms about my writing is my family of origin, for they have lots invested in the Huhta name and the integrity of their parents.

    Interesting to see that you will fall to the side where you best interests lie.

     

  • Show and Tell

    The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be. ~Socrates

    I looked up the meaning of the word Integrity and one of its meanings is to be in a state of completeness, undivided.

    My girlfriend said the definition that they are teaching children in elementary school, is that what you say, what you think and what you do all match.

    I had to let go of many relationships of people who were unable to walk the talk they talked.

    I am much more in awe of folks who have integrity and make no excuses even if what they are doing is unkind. At least they are not putting on a friendly face while acting poorly.

    If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it’s a duck.

    We get lulled by words and swayed in fancy sentences when actions are way off base.

    My husband knows a man called Snake, and he asked him how he got that handle? The man said he earned it. I like that. My husband went on to tell me this man spent time in jail for having a relationship with a young girl…

    If only we called folks by their behaviors it would make life a much easier way to navigate.

    “People show us who they are, Believe them,” is Maya Angelou’s quote.

    The key words are Show and Believe… it is as if the world is one big place of Show and Tell, but instead of bring something to show, we bring ourselves.

    We are all showing people who we are and they are showing us.

    It is not a game of pretending to be something different.

    Watch actions, how they display themselves and how they take care of their lives, they are on this stage called life being who they are, it is our job to believe what it is we see.

    How often do you give them the benefit of doubt? Whose doubt? Who doesn’t want to believe and why? What will happen if you believe? What will you lose?

    It is incredible to me now to not believe them. It is like they are screaming their truths and we are blocking our ears and shutting our eyes.

    “People Show you who they are, BELIEVE them.”

    We don’t want to believe who they are, for it will wreck our dream.

    The pain we are afraid of is the sorrow of our broken dreams.
    It isn’t so much that we lose them; we lose our dreams and our future.

    Yet what is the karma we are actually tending to?

    A lifetime of dancing with people who are disappointing, for they can’t measure up to what we hold in our minds, for we refuse to believe who they really are.

    It gets you so confused, that you then lose who you are.

    You are a believer of what is not.

    While extremely painful, it was very liberating to finally be able to believe in what people showed me. I love what is. I stay in step and in tune with the show and tell!