I M Perfect lady

Tag: blind

  • “With Love always mom”

    As I began my workday yesterday morning, I am in high spirits using all my efforts to stay positive with the large volume of mail, willing myself not to get weighed down by the load.

    I am happy to start sorting letters, the tray is filled with colorful envelopes, and a gold one sits in front.

    As I pick it up, my eyes focus in on the familiar name, mine, and the handwriting is hers.

    My high spirits escape in one breath.

    The restraining letter meant nothing to her.

    The weight of the mail meant nothing compared to the heavy heart of disappointment.

    She did not honor me.

    I tossed it into my home slot, and continued on for a minute or two, and then the not knowing was too much of a distraction, so I stopped, opened it up and read.

    “Noel” is printed in fancy letters on the front, and inside the card’s message, “Wishing you peace, love and joy this Holiday Season,” and her added line, “With love always, Mom and Gramma.”

    It is ironic that what I need for peace, love and joy is for her to honor me, and yet she stomps down upon the restraining letter I sent and sends her usual card.

    Her love always is one that disregards my needs, my wishes, and me.

    I am not seen at all, as she continues on, her stride unbroken by my restraining letter to her.

    My last written words to her, my first in 6 years, was a plea for space, for her to honor and respect our silence…

    My last line was, “If you fail to honor our separation as it is, you are deliberately seeking to disrespect and hurt me; I will take it as such.”

    Her love comes in with disrespect and hurt.

    I felt it as I stood there in a mountain of mail holding a card that yet again doesn’t see me.

    Feeling abused on the inside, my feelings tore up, I tossed it back in my slot, and tried to gather myself back together to continue on.

    Her failure of honoring my words should not be a surprise, yet I guess I am the ultimate believer.

    Believing that one day she will see me, even as sit behind a wall of restraining words, that she will hear them and see me.

    See me telling her, you hurt and disrespect me.

    My words to her fall upon deaf ears.

    It’s like my needs were never written.

    Like a bad energizer bunny she keeps going and going and going.

    Her blind bullheadedness is abuse.

    She is bullying me.

    With words of love.

    Love that knows no boundaries.

    Love that doesn’t hear.

    Love of a bully.

    A one-sided affair.

    Being bullied by words of peace, love and joy.

    The juxtaposition, a card of noel, a Christmas song…carrying the tune she has always sung.

    Actions of hurt and disrespect signed, “with love always mom.

  • Building me on Reality

    What has stayed with me from reading “The Four Agreements” the companion book, by Don Miguel Ruiz, is that our faith in something means more than the ‘something’.

     

    Simply holding tightly to faith at all costs.

     

    I had to look up the meaning of Faith.

     

    A belief in, devotion to, or trust in somebody or something, especially without logical proof

     

    “Trust in somebody or something without LOGICAL proof.”

     

    It isn’t even logical, but we hold on to our faith and many times it is a fog that stands separated from reality, that when you dissect it, you find nothing.

     

    My strong sense of faith that I had for 46 years melted away when I discovered that what I had been faithful to, was a figment of my imagination and it didn't hold up in reality.

     

    In reality, in the cold glare of truth, my faith in them didn’t change them; it actually shielded reality from me.

     

    Faith stood in the way of me seeing what I needed to see.

     

    In my experience, my faith stood between reality and me.  I built a wall that I could not see beyond, it kept me blind to what I needed to see.

     

    Blind Faith.

     

    My faith in my parents overshadowed who my parents were, in fact my faith in them didn’t allow me to investigate or question, I simply focused on my faith. 

     

    I had faith in my mother. 

    I had faith in my father.

    I had faith in my family. 

    I had a deep unquestioning faith.

     

    What came crashing down that winter day in 2004 was my faith.

     

    I lost my faith.

     

    I lost what I trusted.

     

    I lost what I had built up around me.

     

    When my faith evaporated, all that I was left with was stark reality.

     

    It is like taking off the rosy glasses, eliminating the fluffy white cotton that surrounds your feelings, and to be stripped to the bear raw nerves of what is real, without sugar coating to see where you placed your faith in.

     

    I was irresponsible with my faith.

     

    The only place for my faith now, is in reality.

     

    I have faith with reality, I trust reality, I want to sit square with it, to feel its beauty no matter what it is.

     

    Aligning my faith with reality seems like such a no-brainer.  But it wasn’t until my faith was shattered that I discovered how false I was, and then I had to begin the task of rebuilding me.

     

    This time I am building me on reality.

     

     

  • Head in the Sand.

    On our travels I seen a tree that was planted upside down, its root system was above ground and it grew leaves. 

     

    It did not grow upward, but rather like an umbrella, its branches/roots hanging downward.

     

    These trees are not a freak of Nature, but rather have been manipulated to grow like this by a human being.  Someone has spliced their root and branch system weaving it together to make it grow this way.

     

    While it appears normal, you can clearly see the roots are growing leaves!

     

    There are striking similarities between this tree and a sexually abused child.

     

    We didn’t start out upside down and backwards, but rather someone came along and manipulated us and from there we grew.

     

    In my family, it is normal to grow this way.  We were born unto parents who were planted upside down, hence it wasn’t long and we all too were manipulated to be the same.

     

    Our family tree is this upside down tree.

     

    I am trying to show upside down people an upside down person, and asking them to see the differences, and they find nothing wrong.

     

    Incredible, for how can they, they match!

     

    They are not seeing anything wrong, anything different, all seems normal.  And it should, for we have never known our parents to be a right side up tree, nor do we remember ourselves any other way!

     

    Picture a forest of upside down trees and I am walking among them trying to tell them they are all wrong.

     

    Its like trying to explain that the roots belong below the earth and the leaves and branches above, while they are growing and appearing normal in this upside down and backward way.

     

    It would be like telling you your head belongs where your feet are and your feet belongs where you head is.

     

    And what seems to be even more incredible in a very sad way is that while they are upside down, they will raise their children the same way.  The legacy will repeat it self.

     

    As my sister sees herself as being vigilant in watching my father, yet she isn’t watching herself.

     

    She isn’t seeing her behavior at all.

     

    How she is allowing her granddaughter access to this man who is the master manipulator to take a right side up tree and flip it, changing it forever.

     

    She doesn’t see that she is bringing him something to manipulate.  He needs a young seedling.

     

    His forest of upside down little girls would stop growing if he had no seedlings to flip.

     

    Just looking at the forest of trees this man has touched, is mind blowing!

     

    If you are one of the flipped trees, you can’t be normal, not while your head is in the sand.