Inside of my body lay ‘guilty cells’ that sprung up from leaving the responsibility of another’s life behind.
I had feelings of guilt while doing things that one should not feel guilty for, such as creating Art Quilts or enjoying the peace and serenity of my home, our land, the river, the sunshine, the trees, the birds, peace and joy.
To submerge myself deeply into my own life, seemed to alert these guilty cells and they seeped into the moment, raining feelings of guilt upon an otherwise Sunshine filled day.
Caught neglecting my responsibilities again, like a thief caught in the night or a being found out I was having an affair.
As I write that, I have been having dreams of having an affair or cheating. Interesting.
I woke this morning fresh from another dream of being friendly with another man, knowing how it would look if my husband were to happen along.
Dreams of cheating seemed odd to me, but now make sense.
In order to feel like I am cheating, there has to be someone I feel I am letting down or turning away from.
If I can feel guilty about cheating on someone that means I have not completely severed the ties.
A divorce proceeding needs to happen.
I recall writing to someone that there isn’t a divorce that can literally take place, where you can divorce your family. And without a divorce you get left feeling connected but detached.
I wonder what kind of ceremony I could do or paper I could write up that would end my responsibility to that family.
It reminds me of the notices they put in the paper that states, “I am no longer responsible for debts, bills, etc that so and so incurs.”
Maybe I can just state it here, that I am no longer responsible for actions made by my father, my mother, my brothers, sisters, their friends, their children, or all children of the Universe. What they do or don’t do is no reflection on me and I am not the one to fix, take care of, or am responsible for any one of them.
I divorce you all.
A thought just came about an annulment, so I had to go look up the meaning.
A judgment by a court that retroactively invalidates a marriage to the date of its formation.
In this case I am thinking an annulment would be better, it invalidates the relationship retroactively.
I had a bond, ties that held me responsible for you forever.
The annulment sets me free all the way back, to the point of joining as well as today and tomorrow.
I am free.
Free to be with the sunshine, my art, my life!
I M Perfect lady 