I M Perfect lady

Tag: child abuse

  • Gateway Into Self

    A blog called, Brave Girls Club, has a wonderful story about wearing signs, or the lack there of at;

    http://www.bravegirlsclub.com

    As I pondered which signs I am hiding or what I am not revealing it occurred to me that a sign was hung upon my neck, when my father’s truth hit the daily news.

    His past hung heavy around my neck.

    A sign I did not want to wear.

    His sign and my sign were puzzle pieces, they went together, he was a pedophile and I was his victim.

    Yet the sign wasn’t hung upon me until a niece spoke up and her words matched my feelings, and now I had a sign as proof.

    What an awkward, clumsy, shameful, disgusting sign, I had to wear.

    It was this sign that all turned away from, old friends became strangers, acquaintances dodged me, my sign didn’t fit into many relationships.

    The sign entered into the room before me, it over shadowed any cute outfit I wore, there was no way to hide or dress it up, It was exposed.

    Sadly some signs are not given the same considerations as most.

    In the first blushes of wearing this sign, I stood alone.

    Me and my new sign not knowing how to stand, to walk and carry myself with this new found history, I soon seen how I was someone to steer clear of.

    It is so interesting that some signs gain many friends and tons of support, while other signs are shunned and feared, their darkness too dark to approach.

    Standing up in those early days, with the weight of the devastation upon me, the sign nearly collapsed my spirit.

    Surprisingly that by having had to walk alone, I have more strength, not less.

    I still wear my sign, it will not go away, it and I are one, my past is me, and I am it.

    Some signs are the gateway into self.

  • She is watching you always!

    As I have been pondering, tossing and turning around in my head, how it is possible that the 4th generation is just beginning a relationship with the same pedophile, it occurred to me it was love and compassion that has kept this legacy going.

     

    I know it sounds nuts that such a kind sentiment can be the cause of this legacy continuing on, but it is.

     

    The third generation is just following the path of the second and the second of the first, the first being my mother.

     

    As my nephew goes to visit his grandpa, he is only doing what he has witnessed his mother do and his grandmother do since he was born.

     

    There is nothing unusual in his steps.

     

    His daughter will also watch and see how her father engages with this man and will follow his lead.  Her steps will echo his.

     

    There doesn’t need to be any words spoken, written or shouted to the moon, nope, just seeing how the adults in the room treat her great-grandfather is all she needs, she will mimic them all.

     

    Does it matter if her great-grandfather is on the sexual predator list, that he needs to be supervised around her, or that he has a long history of damaged little girls behind him?

     

    Nope, none of that information will stack up against the fact that her father is okay with this man, that her grandmother is fine having a relationship with him, and that is all that matters. 

     

    She will use them as her gauge, her monitor and her guide in what is acceptable in life and what is not.  She is being groomed to be comfortable with a pedophile, she is being taught not to fear him and she won’t.

     

    This one fact alone is what has allowed him to continue on, no one fears him they all love him.

     

    The ones that love him allow him access now, then and always, for they love without conditions.

     

    While most are looking at my father and his actions and watching diligently for him to make his move, no one is looking at the ones he is with.

     

    My mother was the first adult to know of his actions within our family tree, and her reaction were what we all followed to a tee.

    She never left him, had a consequence for his behavior within their relationship, she didn’t warn us of his disease, there were no outward signs in her behavior that would have sent us a signal, not one.

     

    Not once as far as my limited memory serves me did she ever act in fear of this man, not one time, never.

     

    What she instead always showed, was love, respect and normal petty complaints that two married people have, she never once suggested to me that his disease was ruining our lives, that it had ruined many, that the potential was there, that she feared for the safety of her girls, their girls and their girls, and their friends….

     

    Not once.

     

    Her actions have always been to love and support him, to show him compassion and caring, always.

     

    We only see actions, actions, actions.

    Words are meaningless unless and until an action follows.

     

    So as you tell me my fears are unfounded, that I have no reason to worry, I will tell you this.

     

    You are your mother’s daughter, you are doing exactly as she did and you will receive the same exact outcome.

     

    The legacy continues through you, your children and now your grandchildren.

     

    You are the one teaching them NOT to fear a pedophile, know it and own it.

     

    The little baby is without words but she is learning much already, she is watching you always!

     

    IMG_3829

  • A Little Girl Is Lost

    On Facebook, a former classmate made a comment about a woman who was married to a pedophile, but is now divorced, that if she doesn’t step forth, “She must be delusional! If she doesn't speak up against him and lets him get off again, it will be simply inexcusable!

     

    The word delusional struck me, so I had to look it up.

     

    -the act of deluding : the state of being deluded 2 a: something that is falsely or delusively believed or propagated b: a persistent false psychotic belief regarding the self or persons or objects outside the self that is maintained despite indisputable evidence to the contrary; also: the abnormal state marked by such beliefs …

     

    Wow, she is right, the wife is delusional.

     

    I felt it as an attack to call her delusional and to hold her accountable for whether he goes free or not.

     

    I tried to write a few comments, and then thought I better explore this delusional thing.

     

    What I failed to see is that the whole dance of child sexual abuse is a dance into delusion.

     

    The ex-wife of this man ran away with him at 16, she was very much a child still.

     

    The dance into delusion doesn’t start with revealing the monster first, instead you are introduced to a man who is charming and attentive, he is grooming you into delusion.

     

    Somehow he feeds us a false sense of who he is and a feeling of being special with his attention. 

     

    What vital information is left out is the ultimate goal, the prize at the end, our bodies for him.

     

    Perhaps it is hard for us to see ourselves so unworthy in another’s eyes, when indeed it is true.

     

    There must be something that happens then that we will not change our minds.  Does he then return to the nice attentive man?

     

    What I hadn’t really understood, was that we FIRST had a wonderful image and belief of who he was, and we didn’t want that first niceness to shatter.

     

    My mother said repeatedly, “It hurts me when you speak of him that way.”  She couldn’t even say the word pedophile or repeat monster. 

     

    She didn’t fail to see him, she failed to give up her first impressions of him.

     

    She became delusional when the indisputable evidence to the contrary arrived and she didn’t allow it in her mind.

     

    I recall saying that her strength was her blindness, it seemed just absurd that she could hold on to a loving image of this man. 

     

    When you see her as delusional, it is hard to expect a different outcome. 

     

    What I know for sure is the drop out of delusion is a long fall into a sea of horror and pain, swirling madness and disbelief to see the juxtaposition our minds had against reality, the contrary is wide and vast.

     

    What you are asking of these girls is to switch their hero for a monster, to feel worthless.

     

    Delusion is a preferable place to sleep, you can delude yourself and escape the pain of reality.

     

    It becomes like a drug of choice, to live in delusion, free of pain, suffering and knowing, in a land where ‘love’ abounds where the mask of normal is firmly put in place. 

     

    Yet our body feels the precarious ledge we are on, the razor sharp narrow line of where delusion ends and reality begins.

     

    Our whole lives work to keep the delusion alive.

     

    And in the end it is all for naught,

    a monster roams free,

    and a little girl is lost.

     

     

     

  • Silence of our family.

    While pondering how my family didn’t like what they saw in me at the time of our discovery of my father being a pedophile, they didn’t seem to have the same adverse reaction to him.

     

    While I reacted viscerally to him and this new news, they seemed unaffected, meaning they treated him as before. 

     

    Yet they began to treat me differently.

     

    My father and I, it seems stood in the truth of who we were.  His role and then mine, and it seemed for some reason, they were not able to handle mine, but his.

     

    Isn’t it odd that they were able to bring him to counsel, to visit him in jail, to pay his defense fees, to give him a lighter sentence, to make sure his every need was taken care of in this new Light.

     

    But when it came to seeing me in a new light, no one even tried.  And here we are four and a half years later and ‘I can’t read your blog.’

     

    I am not asking them to escort me, to pay any money, to excuse my behavior, to take one step for me, but it is not something they want to do.  More repulsed by me!

     

    I just find this fascinating, how it reveals and sheds light on why abuse is able to prevail, for the families stand arm and arm with the perpetrator and let the victim walk alone.

     

    My mind has a hard time understanding how this works in their world.

     

    What I had felt at the time of his arrest, trial etc, was that way more attention is paid to the pedophile, and very little to the victim.  I know that I am not a victim of that trial, that I was too old, too many years have passed, I had nothing to contribute to his trial, but from my prospective the system is only catering to one side.

     

    Off balance in society and in families.

     

    I am not surprised that little children are silently suffering alone.  I am not surprised, for they too felt it viscerally to the depth of their beings; they were being left behind, because they were now changed.

     

    Two people are changed at the time the child speaks, two people are turned into something different, and in my experience, the child/victim is to blame, feels the responsibility in turning a so called normal man into a monster.

     

    In fact it is up to the child to ‘prove it’ they have to be strong enough to stand against a team of people that are daring you to expose the unthinkable.

     

    Even at my big age and size, it is daunting to sit in a place where they don’t want to hear your experience, and the hurt they project that we caused.

     

    Again, two people changed that day, and I was the worse of the two, I was one who they didn’t want to hear. 

     

    I know they will say, that I did not try, but I recall the phone calls where it seems I was going against the power of the Universe to convince them our father was a monster.

     

    Impossible task, and what I was really stating, I was not going to be the usual sister, I wasn’t going to be the usual daughter, the usual victim, and it was easier to assume his new change than mine.

     

    This will ride along with me today as I once again toss mail.

     

    I am harder to deal with than a pedophile, wow.

     

    We both turned and he was easier to be with……incredible!

     

    “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”   

               Martin Luther King.