I M Perfect lady

Tag: choices

  • What Love means to Me.

    Mothering adult children has been a perplexing inner dilemma…of what to do and when, and when to hold on and when to let go.

    Letting go doesn't mean I don't care. Letting go means I care enough to let them be free.  Free to choose, free to experience, free to learn and to grow, free to make choices that suit their needs.

    Letting go means letting them do their lives…

    I think, I thought, letting go meant giving up.

    I also think, the letting go that I experienced was that I was cast out in the careless sea.  I wasn't let go for my own good, but let go  when I was too small…before I was ready to make it on my own.  

    So, to me letting go is scary and fearful.

    Letting go in a healthy way, means to allow…to release my grip on their lives.

    My middle daughter turned 23 today. She has made wonderful choices in her life…clearly showing me how capable she is in finding her way, in her time, doing what she feels is best for her.  And yet I worry, fret, think, conjure up situations out in the future, that I can't possibly know.  I get lost in the tangle of her life choices…wanting to protect and keep her from 'harm'.

    However, if I had my way today, I myself would have caused harm in stepping into her life unasked.  But the Universe protected her from me, in small ways, like the printer not working…etc.  It spared her from my 'knowing' best.

    In giving up, and allowing, I can be a woman without control of her world, and just someone cheering her on as she makes the best choices for herself.

    I should know by now, that my 'good intentions' are really control issues and my fears.

    Letting my children decide isn't caring less, but actually caring more.

    Letting them have a voice and a choice based upon their feelings, not mine.

    As I let it all go today…I felt free from the responsibility and was once again free in my world and it left her free in hers.  Happy Birthday Honey…I love you. Letting you be you…is what love means to me.

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  • Someone is your Jailer.

    I watched myself in a conversation yesterday, where a person was explaining to me why she was going to fight a choice that another person had chosen. How she didn't want what was…and was seeking to prevent it.

    As we exchanged sentences it was clear to me, that she was trying to force things for her benefit…and that she was willing to bend and twist things to make it 'work'.  In a few minutes, she decided she wasn't going to talk any more about it, it was too upsetting.

    I then returned to silence.  In that silence, it came to me, you can use force to get your way, but that only one side of the relationship will be 'happy' and the other will feel your force.

    I could see how force seemed to be more palatable than acquiescing.  

    If the force girl wins and prevents the choice of the other to flow, what is gained?  Is that truly winning and controlling?  

    I saw how force can override the truth, but with a great cost.  The cost is peace and freedom.

    I could see the toll force was having on her, how she was working feverishly to control the flow of another's choice, and that alone stole her peace.  She used fear as her motivation and tried to convince me, it was for the best.

    It wasn't even for her best…controlling another puts you in charge of another's life.

    As I continued on in silence and eventually moved out of her space, I saw how important it is to allow others to make their own choices; to not impede the flow of free will.

    Is it a gain to acquire someones presence in your world, by forcing them to be there, by manipulating and cajoling to work to block their exit?

    To me, both will be lossers in this…the jailer and the jailed.  

    Imagine how much more powerful it would be to fully support the other's choice, no matter of the cost to your self, to allow them the luxury of movement and self growth?

    If you don't have a choice, someone is your jailer.

     

     

  • Free will is outside of the Program.

    "The structure of the human mind has been likened to a computer in that the mind's basic structure is akin to the hardware and its content to the software.  The mind has limited control over the content of the programming; thus, the human is simultaneously accountable and responsible yet innocent."  David Hawkins.

    "The mind has limited control over the content of the programming"…Most of us fail to understand the power of the program that is running inside of our heads.  How it sees for us and has us living a life from its base and that we have very very little free will.

    Our free will is all within the program, but you do not have a choice outside of what is offered there.  It isn't even possible to consider a choice that the program doesn't have.  Our limits are our parents limits.  It is near impossible to reach beyond the confines while in the confines.  The program has a list to choose from, a limited list, we can only select from the list.

    What I believe happened to me, is that my whole program crashed.  I for some reason was able to see the program and then reality.  And how the two did not match.  It is a rare opportunity to see outside of the program.

    My 'mental breakdown' was actually falling out of the program.

    I was the computer and could see the program….instead of believing the program was me.  

    How I was able to see the truth outside of the program, I can't know, or how that happened, but it did…And I believed IT over the long running program.

    Once you see that the mind/program can be wrong, you lose faith in your head.

    My head had stories that didn't match reality.  My head had definitions that didn't match reality.  I saw and felt and experienced first hand how out of sync my mind was with reality.  

    Once you know you have a defunct operating system running your life, you are aware you have a program operating.  

    My 'natural' reflexes were actual reflexes of the program…but not of truth.

    The program seemed to be built to ward off the truth and reality instead of walking hand in hand with it.  And my life was built upon the program and not of my truth or the truth alone.

    For seven years now I have been finding threads of the program, beliefs and thoughts that eclipse my spirit.  

    When the program is running a part of my life, I feel out of control now, and am.  The program is driving me and I follow.

    Hard to articulate this to folks who have never, not once stepped out of their program, it makes perfect sense to me since I experienced first hand how off the mark it was.

    I had believed that I was a program and that the program was of high morals and values, to come and find out it was filled with abuse and lies.

    While it was extremely difficult to see the program in its fully glory, it was the only thing that would have gotten me out.  I am not sure if there was one thread of truth within the whole thing, for if I had the correct word, I had the wrong definition.  Or the right definition but had it placed upon the wrong person or relationship.  There always seemed to be one thing that made the whole thing wrong.

    Very interesting to investigate your self, your program and place it facing the truth to see where you and reality match.

    It seems to me, that unless something huge happens in reality that our program can't handle, we will get left idling along behind the program, content that it is spot on.

    Perhaps restless now and again, or a bit resentful, but not with enough volume to send us completely out.  Life's little bumps are something that the program can handle.  

    We can live with mild to moderate stress with spikes of rage and not get tossed out of the program.  The moments of great tragedy or crisis are the situations that are set up to toss you out…

    I can't know what those are or what programs are running, but what I can seem to tell is where you are compared to reality.

    I can see the justifiable lies of the program, you call you.

    In dysfunctional homes, the justifiable lies are what holds the family together.  Its the glue and the rose colored glasses that keeps you from leaving.

    It isn't the truth of there being love and kindness there, but the lies that it is there.  And while under the power of the program, you can't tell truth from fiction.

    The program is living your life…and calling it a loving family.

    I see folks asleep behind the program…living life unaware;  Not being aware they are accountable and responsible for choices they are making within the program…for there is no part of them that can reach for a new choice outside of the program..that choice is unavailable to them.

    Free will isn't a choice that they have to pick from.

    Free will is outside of the program.

     

     

     

     

  • Seek to Become more Aware.

    Jason Torola put it so clearly, "

    Beth, You'll get the last word. You always do. But know this; I've seen what you wrote. I've seen what you tried to do.

    A wise man told me, "You can fool the fans, but you can't fool the players." Beth, we are all players here.

    I don't have to get the last word, but people usually stop talking and I can't make them talk, so is it really my problem that I get left in silence?  

    His reference to what I wrote isn't something I feel would be beneficial to post on my blog…it isn't my journey…I myself have no problems with airing it…but it isn't mine to air.

    And he is very correct in stating "We are all Players here."

    Yes we are. And how you play the game will define your integrity and your authenticity.  And I love that there are no fans to fool.  For you truly are not fooling anyone…you only look foolish.

    I know what my intentions are and how I personally play the game and furthermore, who I like to play with.

    I am not interested in the struggle of convincing someone to do or say or be a certain way.  I used to.  I mothered that way.  I gave it up five years ago…and in its place granted freedom to all who have a relationship with me.

    You Jason get to be Jason…please do and say and be exactly as you feel.  I truly would not want you any other way. The same goes for the rest of your family and each person and family in the church and out.  

    I have no desire to change a hair on your head.  However, IF it is YOUR desire to change and want a cheerleader, I will cheer you on as you play this new game.

    But, if you want to continue in the old system of seeking power and control…we part ways.  I don't play there anymore.  And I will not tell you you can't play there.  Play away.  Demand, rage and work to bend and control OR give up your power and people please and play that way…either way it is a game I no longer play.

    It is my goal, my intention to completely take myself out of that old game. Certainly there will be times when I slip and fall and veer off course and find the old me wanting to control, or feeling above others by making them feel less…but it doesn't feel good inside of me no more.  I have lost the taste for that old game.

    It has taken a great deal of work to get out of that game and its cost to my life were way too much…If and when I find myself playing that old game, I quickly work to exit out.

    Jason I was a very forceful player in the old system….and I can certainly see how you can see me that way.  But in the past 7 years I have been feverishly working to remove all desire to play that way.

    I am making choices that are the opposite of how I used to live life. I was completely exhausted and totally without a clue as to how to change and control so much dysfunction….I walked out.

    I gave up control and found freedom.

    I concentrated on my self.

    I began to save only me.

    To control only me.

    To play only for me.

    And it worked like magic…I became a player that no longer needs to find its power by controlling other people.  My power is gotten by being free.

    I truly, truly wish for you and all…the experience of being free.  It was not then or is now my intention to break up families. It would be my greatest joy to see one family make it through this journey intact.

    It wasn't to be that way for me.  It is not now or ever a walk I want for one other soul…but It isn't up to me.  Remember Jason, we are all players…and what we put out comes back into our lives.

    Play well…there is no fooling the fans.  We are aware of the truth, whether we show it or not…it is there.  Each of us will have the choice to follow our awareness or to sit this round out….but awareness is yours to pick up…or yours to ignore.  

    Awareness is the Gift I have discovered…placed there for when you get tired of being in the old game.  It is automatic, you don't have to be cute enough, good enough or wise enough….it is just there.

    It is there waiting for you to glance its way…to begin to see life in a whole new way.  You lose the fight and seek to become more aware.

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    This is a quilt I titled, "Awareness"  my daughter owns it.  Photograph by Hannah Jukuri

  • I left Apathy behind.

    "One of the biggest obstacles of handling and letting go of fear is the fear of fear itself."  David Hawkins, writes in his book, "Healing and Recovery".

    Fear of feeling fear stops us from living life or walking into unchartered territories. But what if you were not afraid to feel fear? You know what fear feels like to you and if you can handle feelings of fear, you are limitless.

    My feelings of fear are those of panic, and unable to escape or control…feelings of being caught doing something wrong, my gut does flip and I feel embarrassed, inept…

    I would bet most of my fear feelings would equal those feelings of learning something new, or going some place unknown….Yet a more heightened state.

    What David suggests is seeing if you can withstand the sensations of fear…that it isn't really the thing you are afraid of but the sensations of fear.

    Becoming familiar and confident in withstanding the sensations of fear, will set you free to do and try many things.

    I got to be pretty friendly with fear as I walked away from my family of origin.  I feared feeling feelings, especially those that were negative and painful.  But what I also learned you don't die from feeling…but are among the living dead when you don't feel.

    Another sentence I read from Mark Nepo's book, "The Book of Awakening, was "We tend to make the thing in the way the way." 

    Reading this sentence gave me a new way to look at why it is that I am uninspired to do yoga.  

    The thing in the way is apathy, laziness…

    It was the way for me.

    But not the way to feeling a strong limber body.  I stood on the path of apathy.

    Today, after reading that sentence, I stepped off of apathy way, and onto the yoga mat.

    There was nothing in the way from me doing yoga but being used to sitting on apathy way.

    Two very popular pathways in my life are fear and apathy.  Perhaps we don't want to feel fear and then become apathetic…for we are unable to move forward.

    When I stood up from my chair, I left apathy behind.

     

  • Agree With the Line.

    I finished listening to the Book "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett while I sewed yesterday afternoon.  

    The CD describes it as such;

    "Three ordinary women are about to take one extraordinary step…

    In 1962 Jackson Mississippi, two African American maids and one white Junior League socialite- seemingly as different from one another as can be, will nonetheless come together for a clandestine project that will put them all at risk. And why?  Because they are suffocating within the lines that define their town and their times. And sometimes lines are made to be crossed."

    "In pitch-perfect voices, Kathryn Stockett creates three memorable women whose determination to start a movement of their own forever changes a town, and the way women – mother's, daughters, caregivers, friends – view one another.  A deeply moving novel filled with poignancy, humor and hope.  "The Help" is a timeless universal story about the lines we abide by and the ones we don't."

    I had read this book, watched the movie and then listened to it…all three times I was drawn to the courage it takes to step over the line.

    Stepping over the line, isn't done lightly or without great personal risks and consequences, and yet if someone doesn't take a chance, speak out and dare show the wrongness, change doesn't happen.

    Towards the end, the white character muses…"I may not have changed their minds… But at least I no longer agree with them." Speaking about her socialite friends.

    She had broken out of a system that had been put into place long before her birth, one she had grown up in…and dared to explore and see it from all angles.  Willing to see the wrongness of her people…

    It came with a personal cost, she lost friends and love, but gained personal strength and courage.

    I totally understand her dilemma…of stepping over the line, knowing you are stepping out of the life you have…into the unknown.

    Stepping over the line is what has allowed us as a species to evolve…if we all stayed behind the line, no change would occur.

    Once one takes a step, another will follow.

    The lines are drawn often with the mindset or understanding at the time, and progress happens when someone dares to argue with the line.

    I see one very entrenched line that is holding its ground and only a few dare to step over it and walk away…and that is the parental line.

    When you cross this line, your life will change.

    Most parents do not want their lines crossed…especially abusive parents.

    The treatment of the children in these homes is similar to the African Americans…for they are not allowed to have a voice, to speak about how the treatment feels on their end.  They are to serve the family in silence, bowing down to the heads of the households…a second class member…They are lower down on the totem pole, only those up higher can have their say, speak their minds and share how it feels…and enforce it.  Disregarding your vote without an election.

    This is the way of it, the line is not to be crossed…it stays firm until their death.  Their feelings are to be considered at all times…and perhaps even posthumously.

    At no point is a child to go against what the parent feels, thinks and believes, or they will be crossing the line…and stepping out of the family.

    I would love to see a revolution within abusive homes.  Of voiceless, choice-less children walking free.  Marching for the right to stand up. Shedding the cloak of secrecy that keeps their parents reputations clean in the social world…while the child remains in the silent darkness of abuse.  A flipping of the tables…

    Fear is what keeps most from stepping up to the line.

    The fear is as palpital as the ones the maids had. They had lived in fear of the white folks for so long, it never crossed their minds to speak up, even anonymously.

    Some may say, they 'respect' their parents too much to speak out…but respect doesn't keep you silent, fear does.

    Fear of stepping over this invisible line that has been there since you were little.  Fear keeps you on your side of the line…as it always has. 

    In life, there are always lines…and you will define yourself by the ones you abide by and the ones you don't.

    You have to wonder about lines and who they serve and why.

    And depending upon which side of the line you are, that line will represent two drastically different views.

    Look at the line of silence in abuse…see clearly how it divides and makes one a victim.  One of lesser value…and one more powerful.

    Abiding the line, you are agreeing with the imbalance.

    What I too truly love, is that I may not be able to change your mind, but I love that I no longer have to agree with the line.

     

     

     

     

  • Baton-Less!

    I thought about innocence yesterday and what it is, how is it experienced and do I truly know it.

    This morning it came to me that I was picking up pieces of innocence as I walked searching for truth, and that perhaps truth is innocence, for without truth can there be innocence?  And is it possible to have experienced so much that isn't innocent and still be innocent or be able to return to the land of innocence?

    I had looked up the meaning of innocence and one definition said, "freedom from guilt or sin through being unacquainted with evil – blamelessness.  I like this one.

    Being free of guilt…

    I thought perhaps it was impossible to get back a state of innocence, that once you fell out of that pureness, it would be impossible to wipe yourself clean again.

    Innocence dies when you feel blamed.  Innocence dies when you become acquainted with evil… And it returns when the blame lies outside of you.

    If everyone would look upward, toward their parents, victims would dry up…innocence would bloom…like a chain reaction of love flowing backwards through generations; innocence would flourish.

    Seeing the flow of guilt and how it poured downward into small children, you can see the cause…how it forms and why.

    Alice Miller is correct, that the fourth commandment has really messed with our heads and psyches, by bringing blame into our selves out of fear of blaming our parents.

    Innocence is being able to stand up and face the truth of what is…not carrying the blame, shame and guilt that isn't mine to carry.  I didn't start this trickle down affect, but I do carry my responsibility to stop it from flowing down into my children.

    If I blame my children for 'making me mad' or 'losing control', I am passing the baton of guilt to my child.  If she reaches for the baton, she will lose her innocence.  Taking the blame for something you didn't start is to lose your innocence.

    Taking back your innocence is to hand back the blame.

    A relay going backwards, is the only way we can heal ourselves from abuse…

    The weight of carrying the wrong baton is where all the issues lie.  

    I remember in the early days of my mental breakdown, the days of discovering that all I thought I knew, I knew nothing….I recall feeling that this mess was much to big for me AND that I can't fix what I didn't create.  

    It took me out of the lives of my parents and siblings and into my own.  My own was a big enough mess and I carried only that.

    I handed the batons of guilt and responsibility back to my parents.

    I handed the batons of guilt and responsibility back to my siblings.

    And only sat with what I was responsible for.  

    In the past, in the present or in my future.  Holding that damn baton in order to keep my parents guilt free, had done nothing to clean them up, but in fact dirtied me.

    I see sins being forgiven the same way.  "Here hold my guilt for me…carry the burdens of my bad choices!"

    Quitting the relay team of guilt has set me free…I carry only me.

    I take responsibility for what I do, what I say and how I act.

    My children don't have to carry any part of me.

    I am a self contained container…a free me.

    Innocence is being free to be me…baton-less!

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    Photograph by Hannah Jukuri….

     

  • Who is in charge of our Free Will?

    Another interesting section from Power vs Force by David Hawkins…as it relates to getting out of the negative field of energy.

     

    "The entire field of philosophy is merely evidence that man has struggled and failed for thousands of years to arrive at the simplest recognition of what's true and what's false, or the discourse would have reached some consensus long ago. And it's clear from common human conduct that even if the intellect could reliably arrive at this basic conclusion, it still lacks the power to stop the effect of negative fields. We remain unconscious of the causes of  our afflictions while the intellect dreams up all kinds of plausible excuses, hypnotized by these same forces. Even when a person knows his behavior is self-destructive, this knowledge has no necessary deterrent effect whatsoever; intellectual recognition of our addictions has never given us the power to control them." 

    "In scripture, we're told that man is afflicted by forces unseen. In this century, we've learned that silent invisible rays of energy are emitted by innocent-looking objects – the discoveries of radium paid for this realization with their lives.  Roentgen x-rays are lethal; radioactive emissions and radon kill silently.  The attractor energy fields that destroy us are equally invisible and no less powerful, but are far more subtle."

    "When it is said that some is "possessed," what's meant is that his consciousness has become dominated by negative attractor fields.  By this definition, we can see that entire segments of society are so thoroughly "possessed" that they themselves are totally unconscious of their motives.  Wisdom tells us that one worships either heaven or hell and will eventually become the servant of one or the other.  Hell isn't a condition imposed by a judgmental God, but rather the inevitable consequence of one's own decisions – it's the final outcome of constantly choosing the negative and thus isolating oneself from love."

    "Enlightened being have always described the general populace as being "trapped in a dream"; the majority of people are driven by unseen forces, and for a great deal of our lives, most of us are in despair over this fact. We pray to God to relieve us of the burden of our sins, and we look for relief through confession. Remorse seems woven into the fabric of life.  How can salvation be possible, then, for those who have unwittingly become ensnared by such destructive forces?"

    "In fact, even from a merely scientific viewpoint, salvation is indeed possible; in truth, it's guaranteed by the simple fact that the energy of a loving thought is enormously more powerful than that of a negative one. Therefore, the traditional solutions of love and prayer have a sound scientific basis; man has within his own essence the power of his own salvation."

    "Humanity is an "affliction" that we're all burdened with.  We don't remember asking to be born, and we subsequently inherited a mind so limited that it's hardly capable of distinguishing what enhances life from what leads to death.  The entire struggle of life is in transcending this myopia. We can't enter into higher levels of existence until we advance in consciousness to the point where we overcome duality and are no longer earth bound.  Perhaps it's because of our collective will to transcend that we've earned the capacity to finally discover an inborn compass to lead us out of the darkness of ignorance. We needed something very simple, which could bypass those traps of the wily intellect that we've paid such an enormous price for.  This compass merely says yes or no – tells us that what's aligned with heaven makes us go strong and what's aligned with hell makes us go weak."

    "The ubiquitous human ego is actually not an "I" at all; it's merely an "it". Seeing this illusion reveals an endless Cosmic Joke, where the human tragedy itself is part of the comedy. The irony of human experience is in how fiercely the ego fights to preserve the illusion of a separate individual "I" – even thought this is not a metaphysical impossibility but the wellspring of all suffering.  Human reason exhausts itself ceaselessly to explain the inexplicable.  Explanation itself is high comedy, as preposterous as tyring to see the back of ones's own head, but the vanity of the ego is boundless, and it becomes even more overblown by this very attempt to make sense of nonsense."

    "The mind, in its identity with the ego cannot, by definition, comprehend reality; if it could, it would instantly dissolve itself upon recognizing its own illusory nature.  It's only beyond the paradox of mind transcending ego that what Is stands forth, self-evident and dazzling in its infinite Absoluteness.  And then all of these words are useless."

    "But perhaps from compassion for each other's blindness, we can learn to forgive ourselves, and peace than can be our assured future.  Our purpose on Earth my remain obscure, but the road ahead is clear. With the consciousness level of humanity finally above 200, we may expect great transformations throughout human culture, as mankind becomes more responsible for its knowledge, and thus its deeds. We've become fully accountable whether we like it or not. We're at the point in the evolution of our collective awareness where we may even assume stewardship of consciousness itself. Humanity is no longer resigned to passively paying the price for ignorance, or its communal consciousness wouldn't have risen to its new level.  From this time forth, man may choose to no longer be enslaved by darkeness; his destiny can then be certain."  Gloria in Excelsis Deo David Hawkins.

    While this may seem very wordy and beyond comprehension, my brother and I talk of this often, how is it that some of us are granted the awareness the rise in levels of consciousness and others seem to be frozen in the negative attractor fields. 

    He and I have often stood on two sides, that God gives us the grace he will say, and I will speak more from the side of choice.

    What I believe David Hawkins is saying is that when man chooses to no longer be a slave to the negative energies, he will then seek to be free.

    But, in my experience, many are willing slaves.  They seem to enjoy the lifestyle of the negative, they are not trying to escape or find an answer, in fact they use their intellect to form plausible excuses as to how it is impossible to be free.

    An interesting debate, who is in charge of our free will?

     

  • The Gift is in the Present.

    I am in a book club reading Mark Nepo's book, "The Book of Awakening".  It is written so that we read one reading per day.

    Today's reading I love.

    "So often we anticipate a reward for the uncovering of truth.  For effort, we expect money and recognition.  For sacrifice and kindness we secretly expect acceptance and love. For honesty, we expect justice.  Yet as we all know, the life of experience unfolds with a logic all its own.  And very often, effort is seen, and kindness is embraced, and the risk of truth is held as the foundation of how humans relate. However, the reward for breathing in not applause but air, and the reward for climbing is not a promotion but new sight, and the reward for kindness is not being seen as kind, but the electricity of giving that keeps us alive."

    "It seems the closer we get to the core of all being, the more synonymous the effort and its reward.  Who could have guessed?  The reward for uncovering the truth is the experience of honest being.  The reward for understanding is the peace of knowing.  The reward for loving is being the carrier of love.  It all becomes elusively simple.  The river's sole purpose is to carry water, and as the force of the water deepens and widens the riverbed, the river fulfills its purpose more.  Likewise, the riverbed of the heart is worn open over time to carry what is living."

    "All this tells us that no amount of thinking can eliminate the wonder and pain of living.  No wall or avoidance or denial- no cause or excuse- can keep the rawness of life from running through us.  While this may at times seem devastating, it is actually reassuring, because while the impermanence of life, if fixed on, can be terrifying, leaving us preoccupied with death, the very same impermanence, if allowed its infinite frame, can soothe us with the understanding that eve the deepest pain will pass."  Mark Nepo

    What I love so much about this is that I used to live solely in the reward system…and yet the rewards were often times not forthcoming.  I thought that I was giving wrongly, so I gave more and tried harder.  

    What I failed to realize is that the universal system had a logic all of its own…simply called experience.

    I was so focused on my just reward and waited and fretted and worried and hated and judged and stressed, that I long forgot the feeling of the experience.

    I lived, thought and acted all for a future reward.

    I literally gave for love and acceptance.  And when I stopped giving, the love and acceptance dried up.  It was an awful way to be loved…for it all depended upon me giving and they didn't have to give, all they had to do was give me love and acceptance. 

    I have said I was a whore for love and peace…and this is what it literally means.  I gave to get.

    When the justice system failed me and all the girls who were sexually abused by my father, it seemed that the universal logic was broke. 

    Yet our honesty worked supremely well. We got to experience how honesty and integrity feels.  

    If we put our focus on the 'just' reward, we would be sorely disappointed.  If you put your focus on the feelings and experiences of being honest with your past, it feels amazing.

    I can't even begin to explain the difference between living in the system of rewards compared to living in experience.

    To have zero expectations…

    When you remove the reward, all you are left with is the experience.

    And the experience is solely the focus.

    As Eckhart Tolle says, there are only three ways to experience life…Enthusiasm, Enjoyment and Acceptance….He says nothing about reward.

    I love that there are no rewards in living…that the gift is in the present!

  • My wrongdoings.

     

    Today I wondered about the meaning of guilt and when is it applicable to feel guilt and even what its definiton was…

    Guilt – Culpable of or responsible for a specified wrongdoing. Justly chargeable with a praticular fault or error. 

    What is my wrongdoing, first off.  What did my do, as my son used to say when he was a child?

    Guilt comes when you have done something wrong.

    As her daughter what have I done wrong.  

    In a letter to her shortly after my father's arrest, I told her that the forgiveness she seeks is of herself.  I can't make her world right, it is not within my power.

    I can however, make changes in my own world; and I have.

    What some see as wrong behavior is actually me making corrections, seeking to find peace in my own world for my actions that served to keep the abuse going.

    I am working on changes within me, in my actions, in my relationships, and working on figuring out what had me so blind to what had been going on in our family unbeknownst to me.

    If I had lived and moved around in this world, unknowingly, I had to now find out how.

    I had to find the faults and errors within me and make corrections.  I had to acknowledge my part in order to change.

    There are no guilty feelings for doing this, none.  My whole body feels completely at peace for what I have done for the past 7 years.

    It is good for me to know, the definition of guilt and that I am only responsible for my wrongdoings.

     PS.  What came to me after posting this, was that I have been working on forgiving myself, on learning about me and accepting what I did at the level of my own understanding and knowing, and then changing my behaviors to correct my wrong doings.

    And my corrective behaviors is what they are most riled about…and what bring me the most peace.  I love that I have forgiven me.

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