I wondered about knowing your own self worth…is it possible to be full of great wisdom, love, compassion, caring, etc and not know it? Can a person really not see themselves and their gifts? Where does self worth come from and how is it so easily overlooked?
What is self worth? Is it to see your self with your own eyes and can you do this objectively, or is there a flimy residue of past neglect covering you up?
I have read that children see themselves through their parent's eyes….(in Alice Miller's books). That how our mother's look at us, is how we learn to see ourselves.
Is that true?
But, I also have witnessed people who were abused, and how they see themselves as only valuable when they are 'in use' by others. That they themselves have very little use for themselves in their own life. Their value lies strictly in how much other people need them.
So, if you come from a very self absorbed mother who didn't see you, you will not see your self either. And, if your father abused you, HE seen you as his desire…not yours.
I just wonder when or how we get to our own view of self?
What has to happen before we can see our own self worth?
I guess for me, it was when I could clearly see I wasn't seen.
I felt completely worthless in their eyes.
I was reduced to nothing.
I then had to re-build myself.
My sense of self worth was an inside job and often times I was rediculed by others, and hollered at for choices I made while creating a self that was worth something.
Even today, this self I now have, isn't always accepted or appreciated or even liked, by others, let alone understood, but inside, the way I see me…I like me. I love my strength and convictions, my knowings and my feelings. I am a peace with who I am. I feel worthy, being me.
My old view was with my mother's eyes and my worth, was how I was used…and I discovered I was solely used by her to keep her story going, to keep her 'family' together, to keep abuse far and wide from our lives, while abuse worked behind the scenes stealing the worth of each and every child.
My mother had wrote about me, "Picking up the stragglers" in our family….like my task was to make things 'right' after the damage was done, to fix things, to make them okay again. And, if I failed, I wasn't giving enough, trying hard enough, doing enough.
I recall one night laying in my bed and feeling the enormity of their (my parent's) damage, how it not only affect our lives, but our childrens lives. How it was so far beyond my reach of fixing…sobbing, shaking to the point of losing it, I let it all go.
Let go of my responsibility for fixing the mess I did not create.
I disappeared…for I was shown how helpless I really was…without a use.
Not only was I abused, but I wasn't going to be able to fix anyone…
Abuse's insidious energy had completely overwhelmed our family….leaving behind worthless feelings, rising against guilt and shame. And yet, they (siblings) rallied on, working to make their family right by not seeing yet again…or seeing it through my mother's eyes.
The cycle completes itself. Children who are not seen, will not see their children.
Children who are not seen have no value…unless they are fixing their parents lives.
This spinning hurricane of worthlessness not stopping…just seemingly to gain more energy as they worked to keep our family 'right'.
While they were busy shoring up my father's/mother's life, they neglected to see, yet again, their own.
Their sense of self worth is extracted by what they do for others…never minding at what cost to themselves.
My journey could be classified with this quote, "The path into light seems dark, the path forward seems indirect, the direct path seems long…the greatest love seems indifferent, the greatest wisdom seems childish."
Is the journey recovering your own self worth?
Who is responsible for it?
Where will you find it?
How will you know it?
When I seen my worth in my mother's eyes, I knew how empty I was…I had done very little for me.
I have spent the last 8 years filling up my self.
For, if your only value is outside of yourself, you can only see you in their eyes. It will be impossible to see your self, for you eyes are always turned outward to find your worth.
My own eyes could not see me. I only judged me by how others reacted or needed me. They owned me and gave me value.
And, coming from dysfunction or abuse or co-dependent living, you will have to disappoint and become value less in their eyes in order to regain your worth.
"If I gained the world…but, lost the Savior…" comes to mind. I reconnected with my Soul.
I M Perfect lady 