“Wherever you go, go with all your heart.”
~Confucius
Going forward with your whole heart is heart breaking, for you are wrenching your heart out from all the people you gave it to.
What I failed to understand that it isn’t so much as finding new steps, new friends, new routines, new traditions or even getting used to the new me, but rather the yanking and pulling on my heart as I leave.
For it is impossible to head out ‘half hearted’ and fully embrace life, with pieces of your heart dragging along getting snagged on old memories.
Even the good old memories feel tainted with fresh paint of recent events, their red marks slashing over familiar “remember when…”
I saw myself in past Christmases, the gifts made, the parties held, the efforts bestowed, the carols sung, the decorations hung, gathering everything I could to drape a happy Christmas upon so many. It began when I was very little.
Many holiday memories hold parts where I used to be, for them and for me.
The years of the oldest shopping for the youngest began when there was just two oldest…and a lot of youngest.
The years spent making and creating a new ornament for each.
The years of opening my house, giving of my time, until nothing was left to give.
My heart emptied itself into them, little by little, child by child, I poured myself into their lives, and now they are all gone.
It feels that I am ripping my heart to pull it back inside, gathering it from places far and wide, in events, tucked in memories, sewed into projects, knitted into scarves, pulled from lives…
You can’t take your heart back without ruining the old memories, when you take your heart back; they fall in a discarded heap.
Heartless.
The memories turn cold without a heart.
I M Perfect lady 