I M Perfect lady

Tag: conditional love

  • Free

    “When you live in reaction, you give your power away.  Then you get to experience what you gave your power to.”   

       N. Smith

     

    To be in the experience of what you gave your power to can be a life changing moment, it can make you feel victimized, and you are.

     

    It is now very uncomfortable for me to lose my power, to lose sight of reality, to be a puppet in their reality. 

     

    In the past I was more comfortable being a puppet and it seemed normal to be moved by others needs and desires, I called it loving; I loved them so much, I gave up my freedom.

     

    I laid down my life and my power and became powerless for love, and lifeless.

     

    A victim of conditional love.

     

    The condition is you are their puppet, you do what they want you to do, you say what they want you to say, and then you can be with them.  Otherwise you are set aside, discarded and useless, they have no use for a puppet that is in its own power.

     

    My daily routine of Bikram yoga is cutting the old strings, disconnecting the lines and I get to see where I used to come alive, how I moved and why.

     

    It is an interesting and scary endeavor to experience the old ways with awareness, but when it is all said and done, I have found a part of myself that was being drained by fruitless actions.

     

    I get a reality check as to what my puppet actions actually did, and it is the opposite of love.

     

    Their indifference to my life while I served them is remarkable, what is more shocking is my indifference to my own.

     

    I picked up my life at 46, and every now and again, I drop it for an old love, yet I soon learn their indifference to me is still there, and on I go, grabbing up my life again, a little shaken, a little bruised, but free.

     

    (A survivor of a concentration camp said that the opposite of love is indifference, now I fully know what he means….)

     

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  • I love myself enough.

    I remember hearing that family issues get magnified during the Holidays. 

     

    Yesterday it seemed to be a full frontal attack, between phone messages, facebook messages, cards and letters; I was caught off guard, again.

     

    Their cards and letters seem to come with a force of entry.

     

    They leave me feeling so misunderstood, once more an odd duck.

     

    What they see as my conditions, are merely conditions or affects of becoming functional after years of being dysfunctional.

     

    It isn’t like I am asking them to chose, but function is asking that of them, wholeness is asking that of them, and they are simply not willing to answer the call.

     

    From their point of view it seems that I made up some silly rules that are very personal and self-serving and designed to shut them out.

     

    It is my experience when recovering from dysfunctional upbringing; you can’t bring the same dysfunctional people and relationships into a new you.  You have to set up boundaries and limitations.

     

    You wouldn’t start a second marriage doing the same wrong things from the first, hopefully you have learned from your mistakes.  Made changes within and require more for yourself.

     

    My so-called conditions of leaving behind dysfunctional family members are seen, as I do so not love them ‘unconditionally’!

     

    What does unconditional mean in a relationship?

     

    What do they mean when they love without conditions or limitations on what the other can do to them?

     

    They do not see that they leave themselves wide open for continual abuse, because they do not place limitations on what can or cannot be done to them.

     

    I do now have conditions and limitations on what can and will be done to me; I am self-empowered now to do that. 

     

    My voice is loud and clear and I can now see and decide who I want to spend time with and who I don’t.

     

    Perhaps it is felt very conditional when you are the one I have placed boundaries against, that is how it should feel.  It is a protection for me.

     

    What I want most is for my siblings to see that they too have the rights for placing conditions on how others treat them. 

     

    It is a great act of Self Love.

     

    Unconditional is the get of jail free card for all abusers and ones who support abuse. 

     

    It leaves the victim feeling they have no rights to put up boundaries.  An open target, once again, vulnerable and hopeless.

     

    What you call my conditions, are the ways I stop abuse happening to me. 

     

    I love that I have the option of being with you or not.

     

    I love that I now am able to have limitations on what others can do to me.

     

    I love my self enough.