I M Perfect lady

Tag: consequences

  • Back to the Lake of Innocence.

    The previous post’s pictures articulate the changes, and how in fact the little girl continues to look the same, but now feels like that dirty lake resides inside of her, by the actions done to her and the lack of response.

    Prior to abuse entering into her world, her world is like Lake Superior on a beautiful summer day, calm, peaceful, relaxing, clean, fresh, beautiful, loving, kind, innocent…

    And then….

    (Recounting from the file)

    “He was always very nice, showing interest in me… he casually pulled me on his lap, real friendly like, a real laid back guy…but very strong…he would pull me onto his lap, he forcefully pulled me on his lap and then take my hand, held my hand, and place it over his erect penis that would be out of his long johns…if she tried to pull it away, he would very firmly put it back, rubbing his penis, while Ray would be doing this, other people would be in the room, including his wife. The same scenario happened, over and over again…”  Little girl voices…

    After abuse the world changes color, it is now darker, scarier and monsters lurk in kitchens and living rooms…friendly laid back guys can transform into monsters and then back again. No one seems to see the monster you are experiencing… It becomes this fluid ever changing landscape.

    And from the file, each girl spoke of my father’s transformation, of going from nice laid back neighbor man to a forcible pedophile.  The juxtaposition.

    What is missing is the transformation of the other adults.

    The wife, neighbors and minister continued on as normal.

    What is horrific is that they don’t become unglued…and transform into raging indignant people reeling about the injustice of such treatment of the innocent.

    We are left with double transformations.

    We wait to see our loving caring parent transform into rage at our abuse…and it doesn’t happen.

    So we then, watch or feel inside the disappearing love, trust and faith.

    It transforms from loving and caring, to caring less.

    Our world now holds people who are not who they say they are, there are flipping images and we can’t trust what we see anymore.

    The truth is, there is no truth.

    This is the awful state to be in, where you can’t trust the kind face of my father for lurking in the background is forcible contact with his penis.

    Double images.

    You can’t trust your mother’s high morals and values for when it comes to the real tough things in life, she is unable to stand tall, to come out swinging for you.

    She proclaims strong and comes out weak.

    She turns a blind eye towards your abuser, which translates to us, a blind eye on our abuse our wounds…

    If you don’t value your children, you don’t value anything.

    And when you don’t value the children, the children can’t value themselves. They literally see themselves in your eyes.

    What I saw in my parent’s eyes is the Lake of Sins…their sins.  I seen me through their eyes of sins…believing those eyes were talking about me, instead they were showing me who they were, and it had nothing to do with me.

    Their value became my value…they can’t make me precious and valuable…without it being within them first.

    “you can’t give what you don’t have…” seems like a lofty bit of wisdom the therapy world imparts, but I know form experience this is true.

    When I discovered my own innocence, I could then see my children with eyes of innocence…but first I had to see the abuse my parents gave to me.  I couldn’t hold them innocent, for when I did I was the problem.

    And what I know for sure is the girls; the little children who are forced to perform sexual acts are never the problem.  Not now, not ever.

    Until I held my father accountable, my innocence was not mine.

    This is very very tough for a child to do, for we want at all cost to keep a loving parent, a strong caring forceful in love parent, but instead we get parents who become strong in abuse and weak in love.

    Even at my old age, I still wanted to have a strong generation before me, I didn’t want to be stronger than the top, I wanted a soft place to fall, someone to rely upon, a warm embrace, a shelter from life storms…

    My healing and dealing and bearing the brunt of all ridicule and disdain is giving my children the parent I sought.

    I have to withstand all the storms that have been leveled at me to show my children and I how strong I am, that no matter who abuses…I can stand tough.

    I have stood against my father, my mother and all siblings who have openly and willingly supported and cared for them.  I have let family go for the sake of my own little girl inside and in doing so have secured an environment for my own children.

    I have transformed multiple times…innocent to abuse, to innocent again, from strong to weak and weak to strong, from loving to fear and fear to loving, from me to not me to back to me again.

    Back to the Lake of Innocence…

    IMG_6803 

  • In the Land of Falsehood.

    In David Hawkin’s book “Truth vs Falsehood” he writes,

    “The Reality of Freedom and Happiness.”“Just as all that is destructive has a common source, so do freedom, success, health and peace have a common source, which is that of spiritual truth and integrity.”

    “ Everyone is potentially free to be free. It is merely a matter of choice to follow the pathway to truth to the degree that one can discover it as identifiable, knowable, and confirmable. Instead of envying or hating success, the truly successful imitate it, copy it, identify with it, and develop the patterns. To take responsibility for one’s own actions and their consequences is, it itself, extremely powerful and almost instantly raises one’s calibrated level of consciousness to over 200.”

    Above 200 – Levels of Truth
    Below 200 – Levels of Falsehood

    “An extremely valuable insight that is learned by all spiritually evolved persons in the course of their development is seeing ones own personal consciousness as the decisive influence that determines all that occurs in one’s life.”

    “Another operative principle, whose recognition results in greater aspects for positionalities, is that the mind either consciously or unconsciously tends to manifest that which is held in mind. It is very helpful to see that, in reality chocolate is not the enemy of vanilla but represents only a contrasting option. It is also well to recognize the infantile ego that secretly hides within is extremely needy, constantly hoping for praise and input, and is obsessed with being “right” as well as nursing “wrongs,” “grievances,” injustices and grudges. It takes little reflection to see that the ego gets much energy and benefit from negative postionalities, and that spiritual evolution is accelerated greatly by the willingness to forego these dubious payoffs in return for real gains.”

    Pathway to Freedom and Happiness

    “The steps out of failure, unhappiness, frustration, lack, want, anger, and depression are deceptively simple. Life is a voyage comparable to being out at sea in which a shift of one degree on the ships compass will determine by the end of the trip whether or not one is hundreds of miles off course. The strongest too, which already exists within, is the spiritual will itself, which when firmly set, will face and take on any obstacle. It is this spiritual will that determines the success of the venture. From subjective experience, as well as many years of clinical practice, spiritual education, and research, it is confirmed that the spiritual will is the primordial rudder that determines not only this lifetime but classically termed karma (cal 1,000)”

    “By one simple decision, the impossible becomes possible because the lead sinkers that were attached to the cork have been released and now the cork effortlessly rises because of the density and power of the field. Thus, one can let go of the egoistic illusion that spiritual progress is difficult and that one has to do it all alone. On the contrary, illusions of lack disappear and powerful energies now help to sustain one’s progress, which is now accompanied by the pleasure of increased self esteem, and the world magically begins to appear to be a friendly and helpful place. The brains neurochemistry changes in a positive direction, and like a butterfly out of a cocoon, the etheric brain springs forth as a consequence of the onset of the flow of spiritual (i.e. kundalini) energy, and the experience of life and the self in the world transform.”

    “ It will be discovered that the ego consists of interlocking building blocks and that to move even one unsettles the whole pile which then begins to fall of its own gravity. Even a seemingly small effort can have very major effects, and one discovers that just a simple smile can totally change one’s life. The many thousands of people who follow self-improvement and spiritual pathways confirm the reality of this discovery.”

    “Following is a list of “winner” attitudes, all of which are quite simple to choose and have extremely long-term benefits. Life lived in the energy field of a calibration level over 200 is quite different from life lived from the conscious level of 180.

    Available 265
    Balanced 305
    Benign 225
    Calm 250
    Considerate 295
    Content 255
    Cordial 255
    Dependable 250
    Diligent 210
    Diplomatic 210
    Easy going 210
    Equitable 365
    Ethical 305
    Fair 305
    Faithful 365
    Firm 245
    Flexible 245
    Friendly 280
    Genuine 255
    Glad 335
    Happy 395
    Hard Work 200
    Healthy 360
    Helpful 220
    Honest 200
    Honorable 255
    Humane 260
    Humility 270
    Idealistic 295
    Kind 220
    David Hawkins

    What I found so affirming is that your Spiritual Will is the motivator and that by changing just one little thing, your ship will sail in a new direction, especially over time. And you are the one who can go inside and dig down and find the will you want and by standing by it, life will change.

    The other thing that I love is that just by owing your responsibility and accepting the consequences of your actions you rise to the level of truth. For when you blame anything outside of yourself, it registers Falsehood and is below the level of 200.

    Now, these numbers don’t mean as much as the words or implication of the numbers. That your life will change when you become responsible for it, you will see that your action delivered to you its consequence. So instead of blaming the consequence, get ahead of it by changing the action. The falsehood is that it is someone else responsibility for your happiness.

    And what is wildly exciting and filled with freedom is that it all begins with you. Just as Gandhi stated, “you are the change you are waiting for.”

    What I see is that your own truths when faced in a responsible manner automatically raises your happiness level, while in our heads it seems that it will lower it.

    We believe that if we show our truths, expose the reality of our lives, all hell will break lose, but in fact the opposite happens, heaven appears.

    I didn’t even know there was a number system out there that could calibrate the truth of things, but how curious it is that the higher the number the better you feel or in my case, I headed out and steered my world by feelings.

    I simply stopped doing things that didn’t feel good or that had terrible consequences to me feeling good.

    Some things seem at face value easy to do and harmless, but if you look at how it sits with your integrity it is huge.

    The greater tragedy in this business of Truth vs Falsehood is the application of my old religions tool of ‘blessing away the sins’ when in fact it is removing the truth from our lives.

    I see that religion as preaching falsehood and I know that many within there would be in shock and awe of my blaspheming.

    Yet, it is only when you have been on the receiving end of them disregarding the actions of a pedophile, that you can see the application of this.

    Instead of all preaching and singing halting when a pedophile is in their mix, they stay the party line and bless his sins away.

    How they believe they are heading in the direction of Heaven is beyond me…for it seems that just to arrive at the level of truth you have to take responsibility and their consequences, until then you live in the land of falsehood.

  • Growing Up.

    I heard my own words coming back to me, I listened to what I sounded like, it was a live tape recorder, my son.

    “You are not listening to me.”

    “Why are you being so difficult?”

    “Why do you have to make this so hard, you know what you need to do?”

    He wasn’t screaming, but trying to maintain his polite stance so that I could see he was good.

    I had done this too, I didn’t want him to see the bad side of me, yet after a few times of speaking and no action I would abandon that plan and just go full tilt in the hollering mode.

    I had wanted him to take care of his responsibilities without me having to take care of mine.

    Something had changed within me; he could feel my strong stance and that he had lost his power or rule between him and I.

    I no longer cared about being a ‘nice’ mom.

    I was done.
    I was tired.

    My words, my pleading, my forever telling him what to do and when, my constant directions had me exhausted.

    I had a voice-activated son. If I screamed and hollered, he moved.

    And I was tired of moving this big kid around, for
    I now had to look up at him.

    Perhaps it was his large body or the fact that I was worn down, but I finally had had enough.

    I took his iTouch hostage in exchange for responsible behavior.

    What I want most is a son who is responsible for self.

    What is insane is that I have been spoiling, babying and taking care of him, EXPECTING him to be responsible. Guess there was no need, for I had it!

    I was finally tired of doing his life along with mine.

    I will take away whatever else needs to be taken away to get him to now undo all my years of spoiling.

    It will be a hard and long learning curve for both of us, for I am guilty of over tending since I was so unattended.

    There is a balance in the middle.

    I will continue to find the things that I am responsible for, what a tending mother does, but not a spoiling mother.

    There is a fine line.

    He isn’t a bad kid, but he was teetering on the edge of following his peers and group mentality, for he was so used to following words of others.

    He was perfectly taught by me.

    What is so blatantly obvious is how he treated his superiors at school was the same way he treats me.

    He dances on the line of disrespect, before slipping back into compliance.

    He is approaching the cross roads in life, where he will decide who he is, what behaviors he wants to define himself, will he be responsible or blame those in charge for his circumstances?

    What I know for sure is that I have been a negative influence as far as holding him responsible for being responsible.

    I had taken too many responsibilities away from him and now I am going to have to work harder to give them back.

    And it will be harder on him to learn to follow his own voice inside.

    Perhaps that is called growing up.

  • Powerful in being me.

    For the past year or more, while delivering mail it has occurred to me that I am just the middleman, but many act like I am the one who decides what they receive in their mailbox.

     

    They are thrilled when I deliver a package they ordered, but in a few weeks when I drop off the bill, they seem disappointed and even sometimes angry.

     

    How quickly they forget the thrill of the package and what ever it contained, I guess by the time the bill comes the happiness has waned.

     

    There is a definite similarity between being a mailman and being the Universe.

     

    All we are is the system or the one bringing you what you asked for, or the consequence to a behavior.  I am not certain you can understand this.  But I felt a kinship to the Universe in being held responsible for things that others are doing to themselves.

     

    I have literally no control over what comes in the mail and what goes out, they seem to lose sight of themselves and their actions that are directing the kind of mail that arrives.

     

    We, the mail people are powerless.  The power lies with the box holder, the owner of the box!

     

    In my life the more I watched how my actions or non-actions precipitated a certain result, the more and more I became watchful.  What we do in this step today, will bring something in the future.

     

    It is like we are always ordering from the Universe, always requesting something, we just have to watch what comes and then walk backwards to see when you ordered that.

     

    There isn’t an unkind Universe for some and then a kind Universe for others, it is just like a Big Mail man, and your life is your mailbox.

     

    As I am tentatively contemplating whether to begin a new relationship with my sister, I am in the middle of the action.

    How I approach this action today will decide what the future will be.

     

    I could ignore all my inner instincts and she could too, and we could hop into our old pattern. 

     

    But the Universe would not be to blame for how it turns out, we are.

     

    We are literally the ones we are waiting for.  As Ghandi says, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

     

    I have to be the change. I have to be the one to speak up, to request what I need, to be the voice, I can’t just sit back and hope that things will iron out eventually.  I have to be the one to do the ironing!

     

    The Universe and I are a team.  I understand that I have just as big of a part as the Universe. 

     

    It is like blaming the mirror for you looking the way you do, for not combing your hair.  It can only change if you are willing to do the work, or be the change, or walk the walk.

     

    The mirror is only telling you what it is you are doing.

    It didn’t messy up your hair.

     

    If you look around your life, who is there and what do they look like, act like, be like? 

     

    They are there because you said it was ok for them to be there. You said it, or maybe you didn’t say that it was not okay.

     

    I love that I am the ‘change’ I see in the world, that it is up to me to be a full participant, and I love how the Universe just abundantly and lovingly gives me whatever it is I ask for.

     

    What I also love is that I am now learning what hurts and what doesn’t, what love is and what it isn’t.  I am finally learning I am powerful in being me.

     

     

  • Tapestry of each other.

     

    Yesterday it was my job to set up an appointment with the bank for 4:05, which would give my husband 5 minutes to get there after his work, and I did this early in the morning with a nice voice on the phone.

     

    He arrives at the bank and the door is locked, he goes back to his work, and calls home. (He doesn’t carry a cell phone)  I am not home, and my son knows nothing about this appointment has little to offer, so my husband leaves work again and heads home. (Nor does he know my cell number, it is not a secret from him, he just never calls me on it!  No need!)

     

    Earlier when I am coming from my work, I call home and have a daughter meet me with her car at the school.  We leave my car for another daughter to get home, and we then proceed to town to hook up with my husband at the bank.

     

    When we arrive at the bank, we do not see my husband’s car.  I tell my driver to wait and not to leave until I say so, that I will go in and see what is up.

     

    I get to the door, it is locked, and so are the two doors near by, but to my right on a wall is a doorbell with a sign, “ring after hours!”

     

    I ring the bell, and a woman comes and shows me the way to my appointment’s office.   I am arriving 10 minutes late, but that is ok, for my husband was to be there five minutes ago.

     

    We proceed with our meeting, except I have very little of the information needed, and I am not certain where my husband is, so we can almost complete the deal.  Meanwhile, my driver is impatiently waiting, and I have a limited speaking seller lady also waiting.

     

    I find this simply too amusing to handle.

     

    When the time approaches for the real closing of the bank, I leave with our business partially done, and with a parting word to our banker that we will try this again tomorrow if it is ok with her, same time, same place, same business, but with my missing husband!

     

    I then have to tell my seller who can’t really understand English, that we have to wait one more day, that we do want the car, but not today, that I did go to the bank, but no money today, my husband didn’t arrive, but we will be there tomorrow, same time, same place, with the money.  She says “no car?”  I say, “Yes Car, but no money”, and I think she repeats “no car”….I suppose now all she hears is that we still want the car, but with no money!

     

    So between my husband who heads home at the first locked door, and my limited speaking lady, to my driver who interrupted her life for me, to the banker with partial information, I felt I was in a world where they were just one step away from completion, so close by yet so far away.

     

    And to think we all get to do this again tonight, with a few changes.  I have another daughter who will tolerate a trip town, but no side trips, just a quick drop off, and a husband who will now look for a doorbell, and a banker who will be waiting for him, and a trusting lady watching for us in hopes she really did make a sale. 

     

    I will again watch and see how this all works out. 

     

    It is just amazing that one small thing can turn everything around.  If Paul would have just rung the bell, all of this would have flowed smoothly, but it never occurred to him that business was going on behind a locked door!

     

    Or he could have called my cell phone, but he wasn’t really thinking of me in the bank meeting, just being the driver to get the car home, and without the money, no need for me!

     

    Just one thing short, that is all it takes, one thing can affect the lives of others.

     

    Interesting to see the ‘chain of events’ how we are all connected, how our actions affect others, how if we miss one step, there is a domino affect around us.

     

    We did complete things to the best of our abilities, but the outcome was certainly different, it was incomplete!

     

    I guess when all things work out we are not even aware of all the steps each had to take to make it so, it is just when one misses a step, that we notice.

     

    One missed step changes the beat of our lives, changes the song of the day, a bank deal was never completed, a sale not made, a mail car not purchased, all because one locked door or a sign not read.

     

    My daughter called a short while ago, while I was talking to my brother, this blog unfinished, and she says, “I think the car you thought you were buying is for sale again, it has a sign on it and near the road.”

    So, after my call with my brother, I call her again.

     

     And I say to her, “Do you have your car for sale again?”  “Yes,” she says, “You not buy, you not come last night.” 

     

    I laugh and say to her, “yes you are right, we not buy, we not come, but we still want to buy and we will come tonight!”

     

    “I put in parking lot, you come tonight, yes, with money,” she says?  A question with a kinda sorta believing voice.

     

    I understand so well, I am kinda sorta believing it myself! 

     

    I love love love that she just put it back on the market!  She wasn’t waiting until we got our stuff together she had a car to sell!

     

    I told her, “If you want, you keep it for sale, if it is still there when we get there good, if you sell today, good for you!”

     

    She says, “I wait.” 

     

    I love how she is doing her world well, she is not sitting around lamenting no sale, she is running right back in the game!

     

    I love how we too believe that we can get a re-run at this car, that we will all go back and try again, who really knows until that exact moment what will happen.

     

    I love the unknowing, the excitement of wondering will we all take the proper steps to complete this deal! 

     

    What we know for sure is looking backwards at ‘what happened,’ instead of looking ahead and believing all will happen as we plan!

     

    It is almost funny to think we can think it all will!  That no one will take a misstep!  Like we are the master choreographers of life!

     

    Instead we step our steps to the best of our abilities and do what we do from where we stand, and not a bit more.

     

    I love to watch how people move and why.

     

    Isn’t it wild that my husband and I both approach the same door and have different outcomes?

     

    I love how I wasn’t able to articulate to her or even myself how it was that our plan fell through, that she just heard no money no car and she was perfectly right.  No Money, No car!

     

    Each simple little act or non-action has a consequence no action happens alone. We are all connected in this dance called life.

     

    Interwoven in the tapestry of each other.