I M Perfect lady

Tag: days

  • Days to Slip By

    My brother's Excel class had him calculating out the number of days he has lived so far, and I did the same.  Today is number 19,365 for me!

    That is how many mornings I woke up and seen a new day.

    Yet for the first many thousands, I woke up living my life frozen in a pattern that was preset and one that seemed my destiny.

    I even recall feeling the panic feelings of not being able to stop the way I was living, that there were so many people attached to the movement of my life. That me changing would be too disruptive, but that at some point, they will need me less and then there will be an opportunity to be free.

    The more I explored how stuck I was, the more I wanted to live differently, but I had no idea how to suddenly change my life.  

    And then, Life seemed to suddenly change…and I followed it. But this time, I did it completely different.  I hadn't realized at the time that I was going to transform my whole life.   All I was doing was following my body and my feelings.

    I just hadn't realized realized realized, that I hadn't been living my life from the inside out.  I didn't really know how much of my life was lived for others, Until it came to me to follow my body and feelings.

    The huge amounts of changes that ensued showed me how much of me and my life had been lived for others…and by me being fake.

    I wouldn't have called it living fake, I would have said, "I am putting aside my feelings and my life unselfishly to make another happy." Believing that this is a kind and loving thing to do.

    I lived 16, 775 days (yep I did the math 😉 pushing aside my feelings in order to make another happy.  I lived disconnected from my body, disassociated from my emotions, and very focused on others…for thousands of days.

    I would awaken each day carrying many lives upon my shoulders…worrying, wondering, thinking, and pondering their lives, giving very little thoughts to me and my life.  My life was their life.

    I had me pushed so far back, there wasn't but a teeny bit of me showing. 

    It seems impossible now.  It seems scary to me to live a life with so little of me showing. To live without access to my feelings and emotions, to live stoically and remotely.  To shut down and close off my life in order for another to be happy and at peace.  

    You can't go and get those days back, they have been breathed, lived and passed by.  How much I missed, I can't even begin to imagine, how many emotions I pushed down and away for the sake of anothers is unreal.  How they fit all stuffed within my body is remarkable…

    For all that I stuffed down and away…never left.  They just rode along waiting for me to one day focus on me.

    The day I realized the truth of my life, the fact that my body has kept secure all my emotions, that none slipped by and away, was the day I began to live each day as me.  

    I began to feel…and feel and feel. Emotions washed over me, the terror, the helplessness, the empty trust, the negative feelings I had not looked at all came rushing in.  Thirsty for me to feel.  And I did.

    My days were filled with past emotions and it felt like living on steroids.  Eventually, the dam of emotions fell to a trickle…and I was able to live this day.

    This day as it arrived, this emotion as it came, this moment in time…fully present.

    I have lived without emotions or my feelings and it is a careless way to live. It leaves you caring less about your self.  

    Living days without a self isn't living…it is going through the motions without feelings…it is like living without a body or awareness.  

    Guess it is called unconscious being.

    Trauma woke me up and actually trauma put me asleep…

    I have lived life both ways, and there is no contest; being able to feel and allow each emotion to see the light of day is the only way to live.

    Otherwise you are just breathing, unaware…counting years and allowing days to slip by.

     

  • This New Day!

    The goal of life is to make your heartbeat match the beat of the universe, to match your nature with Nature.
    ~Joseph Campbell

    Yesterday the thought came to me how we live on the scales of worthiness, how time, and the days of week are all measured with a preset of one being more than the other.

    Mondays are way down on the scale, and Fridays pretty high, with Saturday and Sundays out weighing them both, yet if we didn’t have a calendar, if we were not taught that each sunrise came with a name we would embrace each day equally.

    Can we truly know as we scan the week in advance which day will be the most valuable? How is it possible to know ahead what will happen, what each sunrise has to offer us?

    The days don’t have a chance, for we already tagged them in a certain category, no chance to be an individual, for every seven days Dreaded Monday appears.

    The seven day cycle keeps things organized and in line, keeps the chaos back, but it also keeps back living in the moment of time, allowing each day to rise like a brand new wave, one we have never seen before, one we have not experienced before, welcoming it being brand new.

    How awful to be a Monday day, to rise and be greeted with groans, before you even had a chance to display your hours, you have been tagged, weighed and judged, all your gifts go unopened.

    Imagine living life unaware of the names of each sunrise, to live in wonderment of what possibilities await, living in the present allowing each new sunrise its own individual day.

    An individual day, unique, separated, not to be re-lived ever again, it comes but once in your lifetime.

    Hard to believe we are unaware of the special ness of each day, that it only greets us once in our lifetime.

    Once.

    So, how can we possibly know it?

    Each day is brand new it has never arrived to see you before, ever. Say Hi to this new day!

  • Until You Move.

    It is my day off, and immediately two bookkeepers began fighting for my time, each with a set of rules and regulations for what should/could and would be done on my day off.

    There are plenty of choices within each room of my house, and other ideas floated by as potentials to use up my time, and each idea was met with an opposing vote.

    It stuck me to my chair in indecision and time slipped by.

    What to do and what is worthy fought back and forth, paying no mind to my feelings or desires.

    Until I began writing this out, it never occurred to me to fire the bookkeepers, to keep my day off out of their hands and out of their books.

    It matters not in the big scheme of life whether I enjoy the sunshine with a walk or see it from my lazyboy, if I quilt or nap, do yoga or read, wash clothes, bake and do dishes, none of the above will define who I am inside, they are all doings of a human kind.

    If I take away value from each task, each task remains equal to the other, and become its own separated joy, and it can’t steal from another column in a bookkeepers journal.

    Somehow in my mind if I spent an hour cleaning I was stealing from the passion journal, if I slept, I then stole from the physical side, there was always a plus and a minus to all actions.

    I never liked numbers so I am getting rid of the value system, tossing out the worthy and the unworthy, and instead will live with just doings.

    All doings are equal.

    It seems the bookkeepers main tasks were to steal my day, steal my peace, and steal my joy, by putting up an opposing side, no matter what I couldn’t win.

    The bookkeeper was a guilt keeper, a day wrecker, and a nap spoiler lurking near each task with negative remarks.

    Without the bookkeepers narrative on how my day is going I will be free to enjoy whatever it is I am doing.

    The minus and plus columns will remain empty and in their place is a doings column, simply filled with what I do.

    I don’t know what I will be doing, what my energy level will be, what inspirations will come as I move through the day, what desires will arise, but what I know for sure no one is keeping score.

    In fact the more I write about this, the more I feel that I will disband the whole accounting system that used to lie within me, where values interrupted living life in the manner to which it appeared.

    Without values you are then free to do anything and life is much freer, you live from the spot of a pinhead in the moment of now.

    Now I am blogging, who knows what I will do after that, the present is always a surprise, unopened, unplanned, unknown, until you move.