I M Perfect lady

Tag: dependent

  • I see me

    “Tolerance is another word for indifference.” William Somerset Maugham

    I am not sure you can have tolerance unless you are indifferent.

    Indifferent – without care or interest: showing no care or concern for or interest in somebody or something.

    I am looking at abuse and addictions from the point of the person who is on the receiving end.

    Usually abuse is looked at from the point of the abuser or addictions from the point of the substance.

    We forget to look closely at the person who is getting abused and why they have the tolerance or seem indifferent to the blows and words that are hitting them; it is because they are without care or interest for their self.

    They are indifferent to their own life.

    They show no care or concern for or interest in their own life.

    My question is when did they become so careless?
    When did they let them selves go?
    What happened that they no longer care?

    What I can know in my life is that I don’t even recall a self; I was too little to know I had a self to hang on to, to care about and to care for, and it was gone.

    My self was gone before I even had a chance to know it and know that there was something to protect.

    When a child is raised in an environment where the adults are indifferent to the child’s needs, we then become indifferent to them ourselves.

    Imagine, parents who are indifferent, without care or interest: showing no care or concern for or interest in somebody or something…and that somebody is you.

    We learn indifference.

    How they treat us is how we treat ourselves.

    We learn how to not care or show interest in our selves.

    In fact in order to survive, it is best to not have a self.

    For a self would feel their indifference and we don’t want to feel their indifference.

    It is easier to be without a self, to live in a pretend space, making believe that they care and the only way you can believe that story is to be separated from your self.

    To deny your body, deny your feelings, to not be connected to the self.

    A self who is not there will not feel their indifference…but lke the old saying goes, “If a tree falls and no one is in the forest to hear it, does it still make a noise?”

    In the same manner, if a child isn’t there to feel the indifference, does the indifference still happen?

    If a self is unaware does the indifference still affect them?

    When you are indifferent how can you know indifference?

    I don’t know what was more shocking their indifferences or me not caring for me, for me to see the lack of interest in my own life and wellbeing.

    I was indifferent to my whole life…and had to bring me back to my world, to undo the indifferences and learn how to care.

    In caring I found me.

    I am no longer indifferent… I see me.

  • A Big Bubble of Me.

    The word LOVE brings with it such energy and Light, it brightens up spaces and brings wholeness where before less than appeared.

     

    People walk around feeling so defeated, if they don’t HAVE love.

     

    Like Love is an object we can go and pluck out of a store, search and find like a hidden treasure, it remains outside of us, and we hunt like predators to capture it.

     

    It steals our peace, and keeps us running in anxiety for fear that without it we will not be whole.

     

    This love is like a devil to those who need it, it becomes a drug that we can’t live without, and will do anything to anyone to get it.

     

    My brother is sitting with the ‘love’ our parents gave us. 

    In our hands we look down devastated, for what we see surely isn’t love.

     

    How is this possible?

    How did we receive such a messed up version of love?
    Is it even a fragrance of love, does it hold a hint of love?

    What is this we received from our parents?

    What did we go forth and replicate?

     

    The love we received was not love.

    It is the opposite.

     

    I have read numerous times that there are only two ways of living or Being.  In Fear or in Love, those are the only two choices.

     

    In my childhood love, fear ran rampant.  Fear of them not liking you, that you were not good enough, that they would leave you, a very clutching manipulating demanding love.

     

    It wasn’t free.

    You weren’t free.

     

    The love of my childhood, the love that I replicated in my own home with my own children was that they had to do this or be that, and I would love them more.

     

    I focused on their behavior and how it impacted me, but I didn’t focus on how their behavior impacted THEM.

     

    Now I have given them back them selves.  I am no longer interested in owning them for my happiness.  It seems vulgar and twisted.  Like my children’s only role was to live to make me happy.

     

    I will be a better mom if you are a better kid! I will be a happier mom, a nicer mom, a this mom and a that mom, DEPENDING upon your behavior!

     

    It left me irresponsible for my own happiness.  It left me powerless.

     

    But what was even more important it had them looking away from themselves to only focus on me.

     

    Their lives were for me.

     

    Not only was I powerless, they too became powerless in their own worlds.  A house full of powerless dependent people!

     

    It was when I unplugged them all that we each became free.

     

    I recall the conversations I had with each of my children, how I was telling them that from now on, their only job in this house was to do them selves.  That they and they alone were responsible for what they did or didn’t do.  I fired them from making me a better mother.

     

    As I fired them, I hired me.  I hired myself to be myself.  I hired myself to be a mother.  And I recall telling them that as their mother I was only going to be the consequence lady.

     

    That was my one job as a mother.  That every action has a consequence and it is up to me to figure out that consequence.

     

    To their benefit they were both excited and fearful.  For no more wasted words would fly out of my mouth. 

     

    In fact it still pops up where I forget my role as consequence lady, and I focus more on their behavior than mine.  When I feel out of control, it is usually me.  I am forgetting my control.

     

    When I gave them the responsibility of their lives, I got mine.

     

    It was a great independence day in our home.

    Where 6 individuals were born.

    We all claimed our own worlds.

    We all can shine as one person, separated and free to be who ever it is we are to be.

     

    Sure there are common house rules, but for the most part I celebrate each child doing themselves alone.

     

    My youngest is still clutching on to being irresponsible, and as parents our role is to keep placing the responsibility of his life in his hands.

     

    In as much as we love freedom, we are more afraid to be free.

     

    Free means no one to blame when we are unhappy.

     

    Our whole lives are free for us to express or be or do as we feel, and no one stands in the way of us living our greatest life, but ourselves.

     

    Once we stop searching outside for love, when we know that it isn’t their job to bring us love, or peace or joy, we can begin doing this for ourselves.

     

    Learning one step at a time to be independent.

     

    A separated soul, a free spirit!

     

    What can another bring to a free spirit?

    What does a free spirit need?

     

    I love that I am one self- contained unit of one.

     

    I walk around a big bubble of me.

     

     I M perfect Dance!