"One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest." Maya Angelou
While rereading many of my old posts, I can see where I had built up a story outside of reality for 46 years and how I was un-telling that story and then retelling the story with actual facts.
It is like there were two separated stories going on at the same time, but only one has actual actions.
In one post I talked about either tending reality or pretending reality wasn’t there. I would now say, that we can either tend this moment and what is, or pre tend another moment yet to arrive, or past tend a moment in the past.
Pretend. (V)
1. act as if something were true: to make believe that something is the case or that you are doing something by using your imagination or acting skills
2. make insincere claim about something: to claim untruthfully or exaggeratedly to be or to have a particular thing, or imply something in this way
3. make something seem to be true: to act in a way intended to make somebody believe something untrue or misleading.
I am first of all shocked that the word pretend is a verb, and secondly it speaks of ‘acting’ like it is an action, not just a mind game, but that it actually has actions.
I know that this may really show my stupidity, but I am in awe that pretending something requires an action. “To act in a way intending to make somebody believe something untrue and misleading.” Shocking.
While I have been comfortable with my mother’s blindness, this somehow makes it more assaulting. It actually shows that a person has to know the truth and then work on misleading.
She was attacking the truth with actions of pretend!
It just proves that she knew and that she tried to act her way into a different reality, to mislead her children down a road that led to nowhere.
I am blown away that pretend is actually doing something.
“To hold before, or put forward, as a cloak or disguise for something else; to exhibit as a veil for something hidden,” is another meaning of pretend.
It just floors me that in order to pretend, you have to know the truth and then put on an Act to cover, mislead, to throw on a veil and hide something.
She led the long line of pretenders, steering us always away from the truth, we marched along like willing soldiers, creating a veil for which my father was able to hide behind.
This unties the tangle that I had inside of me, the twisted up thoughts of her having to know, and yet her actions of not knowing, I couldn’t seem to justify or find clarity there.
I had her lost in her mind, blind to His actions. Instead this puts her as a full fledged participant.
Pretending has nothing to do with staying in this moment tending to what is, it actually is to act out in front of this moment as a shield and a disguise, a magic act.
I guess I felt better knowing my mother somehow was incapable of digesting the truth, this shows that the truth was there all along, and in front of it she acted like it was not there.
I must now look at my pretend actions. My pretending I did not fear him. I acted like I wasn’t, I acted fearless, I was acting in front of the truth of being in terror. Trying to pull off no fear.
Somehow this makes life seem more complicated, yet more simple, which is why if you are willing to know the truth, it will appear, for it was there all along.
When I stated that I simply couldn’t pretend to pretend to pretend anymore, I literally had no idea that I was unable to act anymore!
I even recall stating that my scripts and lines were all wrong, that I left the stage of their madness.
I was horrified to know what my scripts and lines supported, I was one of the many actors acting out normal in a very dysfunctional family.
Somehow knowing that they all have the truth within them, and that they are pretending out in front of it, brings me peace.
It is not up to me to deliver the truth to them, to be the one to show them the truth that is already there, what I guess happens instead is that they get tired of acting
Acting out in a play where all they can ever be is a supporting actor, to the main characters of mom and dad.
How sad to spend all your time and efforts on a pretend family. How sad to have a family lost in pretend.
I really didn’t fully understand how this all was orchestrated. Somehow I missed the whole picture, I did not see them out in front of truth, I saw them without the truth.
I saw them not knowing the truth.
They know, but are working hard to pretend in front of it.
The truth goes nowhere while the pretend dance goes on in front.
I can see clearly now both the truth and the veil in front of it.
Not only are there two separated stories, but one is clearly designed for the purpose of shielding the truth, and that is what I find so shocking.
If you didn’t know the truth, there would be no need to build a pretend story in front of it.
I M Perfect lady 