Tag: energy

  • Bring to Christmas

    Just being me on Christmas is a huge peaceful relief…no stress is lurking, (now that the mail volume will begin to decrease) and I didn't string up any expectations or false ideals of anyone.

    In the past, I would plunge down deep after Christmas, but it was due to all the expectations and hopes I put into Christmas…and their failure would leave me empty hollow and down.

    It is insane how the mind can expect the undeliverable and believe it.  How I would believe that the Christmas season could change people, and like magic they would realize or see things that hadn't before…

    When in fact, it seems that what is off is really off on Christmas…instead of healing things, it magnifies them.

    And the opposite is true too.  When you are filled with love and peace about yourself and your life, Christmas arrives and there is nothing to want.  For you already want what you have.

    I feel such great emptiness of hopes…I am not standing on a mountain, that I will have to fall from tomorrow and for weeks afterward.  Instead I come to Christmas needing nothing from anyone…it was never about the gifts, but rather the Feelings I wanted from them.

    I wanted them to feel this or that way towards me….

    I wanted to feel this or that way towards them.  No matter who they or them was.  I always arrived with false expectations and in the state of need.

    When I arrive at Christmas empty of expectations and hope, I can sit in peace and let it all be.  

    Loving me and accepting me is the greatest thing I can bring to Christmas; if I am Merry with me, Christmas doesn't have to make me Merry.

    Just as Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor says, "each of us are responsible for the energy we bring into the room," it is up to us to bring Merry to Christmas.

    I love that I have a Merry me to bring to Christmas….

  • Energy and Feeling Good

    Slowly but surely my physical body has been pushed to the far reaches of my life, again.  Well, I notice it when it creaks and aches and feels ouchy, when my neck and jaw are tense and in pain, when my middle is so expanded that I feel bundled up in a winter coat…and there is a faint feeble calling of the yoga mat.
    I am not sure why I wait for physical discomfort, for loathing and self recriminations, but that seems to be the way. That when I am on a winning streak, like 340 plus days of yoga, I lose the 'desire' or whatever that is.
    It seems like all kinds of things came rushing in or crowding over My Time…that while  tended this or that, I forgot to leave time, space, energy, Or I forgot to say no more than yes and slowly 'other' things overwhelmed my space.
    I have spent tons of hours on my inner awareness and self control, self freedom, etc. But I keep a healthy distance from the body's needs.
    My mind and soul feel at peace in a very open liberal place….and yet my body still feels in prison at times.  
    Over-run by old habits.  
    Habits that seem not of mind or spirit, but just residual affects from my old life.
    In fact my outside (body) where my spirit and mind live needs to catch up with the inner work.
    Maybe it is time to put the same intensity and focus on flipping my body.
    My body is the odd man out. 
    It is not free.
    It is not at peace.
    My body can't do a thing without me setting the intentions, putting IT on the list, at the top and finding ways to serve it and give it the same sacred intensity that I gave my inner landscape.
    Time to clean up my outer body act…finding new alternate habits that will bring in energy instead of lowering it.
    I un-naturally turn  away from my body.
    Somehow I can do this when forced, but it isn't natural for me to be kind and desire good things and wanting to serve my body energy lifters…but I am more natural at neglect.
    It is like I am in control of neglect and out of control for goodness.
    And my body still tries its best to deliver all that I ask of it, but with hurdles and speed bumps…. with me fighting it each step of the way.
    I fight doing yoga and eating foods that deliver good energy and instead dump in sweets and foods that drain me.  
    Maybe it is time to switch the fight around.
    To fight for energy and feeling good.

  • Meet your Truth.

    Remember playing with magnets as a child, and how they would either click together or be repelled apart?

    I was reminded of magnets as my friend talked about situations we get into in relationships, where we are going along with mutual attraction and then somehow we get flipped around and now are being repelled apart.

    I recalled the magnet’s inner wisdom was much smarter than our strength, no matter what we did; they knew when they matched or when one of them was turned the wrong way, in order to click together they had to be facing the right way.

    And it was fun to feel the push away from these seemingly innate objects, like they had a mind of their own.

    The image of my friend’s hands and how they moved to resemble magnets stayed with me as I looked at my husband and myself and how we seemed at odds, and how we trying to realign ourselves.

    It seemed his truth and my truth didn’t match, and our bodies knew, repelling replaced our old attraction.

    My body has a magnet of its own and the flesh is just a covering on top and beneath my skin is this energy field that knows things my wandering mind misses.

    And my mind has learned that by faking it or pretending to be okay when the body is not, is fruitless for what I seek most is for the body to teach my mind.

    I listen and receive signals of distress or of peace.

    In the past I was the opposite; I turned away from the signals and bull headedly marched on, heedless to the discomfort my body screamed.

    My mind that had been taught what to believe, what was right and what was wrong and it neglected to seek counsel of my body. In fact the body, I was taught, was full of sin and it had the devils magnetic field that would pull us asunder.

    You would go to Hell if you followed your body; Heaven was to be gained by following your mind.

    Your body was your greatest enemy.

    As I write this, I know that my childhood religion was threatened by the wise wisdom of this knowing body.

    Imagine the wonderful creation of God, this highly functioning self-healing living breathing body being the devils property?

    What the religion was teaching was to go against the magnetic pull of my own body.

    With this being my background I as accustomed of turning away from my body, of shunning its desires and passions and neglecting the wise inner gut feelings and focusing instead of following the masses, the church leader and listening to what he and they felt was best for me.

    Stepping away from my body I lived disconnected and out of touch…I worked religiously against my own magnetic pull.

    Imaging going against your own truth!

    It is incredible to me that we all have these wonderful magnets that are infused into all our cells, and they know what is true.

    If you use your body like this big lie detector or treat it like a magnet for truth that it is, your life will be less complicated.

    I watched my daughter and how she appeared physically in our world while she lived a lie. Like a diseased plant she began to fail.

    What I notice about my body is it likes it when I speak the truth, even if the truth sounds bad, it cheers.

    When I was on our local school board and the president of the board lived in another city, but was on our board, it made sense to my body to say, “You have a pretend house in Chassell, so you can be legitimately on our board.” I told him, a man who pretended to live here and who had a fake home in our town were directing me on the board.

    My body felt better being there with the truth hanging out. And I knew better than putting trust or faith in a pretending man.

    So, even if you can’t make moves to get out from beneath the lies don’t lie about your situation; give your body the full report.

    It is not the actual reality that distresses the body, but us telling the body it isn’t really there. It likes to have a well-balanced reality accounting sheet.

    I love that I am aware of my body’s magnet and how its preset to the truth, how I can rely on it subtle and not so subtle readings, how it vibrates at a certain note to gain my attention, letting me know when I am not seeing or being in truth.

    My Universe and this magnet are connected and both dance perfectly in harmony with reality.

    My body thrives best in the reality of truth and I speak reality’s harshest truths with great courage for I now what happens when I don’t. I get repelled away from peace, love and joy.

    My magnet is set uniquely for me and I get anxious and scared when lies pile up and truth seems far away…

    Namaste, means the Spirit in me recognizes the Spirit within you…what I believe maybe more beneficial is my truth wants to meet your truth.

  • The Wise Listened

    I only spent one hour in her presence and wanted to follow her home, and in fact we may have been behind her motor home as she left our town, I had the chance but turned off as our road appeared, allowing her to leave me wanting more.

    It wasn’t so much her story but rather the affirmations I felt as I listened to her.  I wanted more.

    Her story and mine shared some similar roads, and I could see how her courage was grown, how she shined in her individuality how comfortable she is in her skin, although I know it wasn’t always so.

    She spoke of her childhood in a tone of ‘this is what it was’ marveling with us and showing us how those steps were gifts that she used to become who she is today. 

    Dr. Maya Angelou.

    From an abused mute child to one who had us all sitting in rapt attention to each word, insight and profound wisdom she uttered.

    Maybe we can’t listen to another until they have something worthwhile to share.

    She has enough wisdom inside, and I feel I just got one little tiny peek.

    A peek of who I will be!

    She makes life seem only worthwhile if it is colorful; with characters and scenes that put fiction to shame.

    It’s like the more you suffer, the better the storyteller you will become and how much more interesting the story will be to tell.

    She didn’t hide the ‘shameful’ parts, rather she allowed them their truths to stand equal to the kinder parts, the happier times and she weaved them all together into one strand of self.

    The audience followed her as she led us on her journey as we sampled a few moments of significance that made her who she is today.

    A colorful woman telling us this isn’t a rehearsal, so get on and live life.

    Thanks Dr. Maya Angelou for taking the journey to come and speak to us today.

    We are just another spot on her journey, and she a spot in ours.

    A connection and energy exchanged.

    I left feeling she was giving us a hand up, as she reminded us of all who came before us, what their cost was, and how we don’t have the right to waste our time being less than who we can be.

     A wise woman sat on that stage and the wise listened.

     

  • A Willing Witness

    “…grateful for your willingness to witness our loss” is part of a sentence I read on Facebook tonight, which struck me as odd that there are two kinds of witnesses.

     

    I never thought that there could be willing witnesses and non-willing witnesses.

     

    Yet the two drastically different witnesses are exactly what I have experienced. 

     

    One is so courageous and brave, will stand by and allow you to express the darkest of fears, the emptiest of sorrows, will listen endlessly as the truth flows and the madness is wrung from your soul and not shudder and turn away.

     

    A willing witness treads into the deepest trauma’s the most anxious anxieties, and wades through sorrows crushing blows, and still is able to remain connected, eyes, ears and soul.

     

    A willing witness never turns away. 

     

    It is this courageous witness that allows us to stand taller, dig deeper and find a small thread to continue on.  They remind us we are not alone.  That our mental state is ‘normal’ coming from whence we came.

     

    I am blessed and forever grateful for my brother who has been my most willing of willing witnesses.

     

    I also have had willing witnesses that are friends, strangers, writers, renewed old friends and new friends. Ladies whose walk equals mine or are even much worse. I am filled with great warmth and loving energy knowing that I have so many wonderfully willing witnesses.

     

    The greatest gift we can give another is to be a willing witness.

  • As I Yoga Along

    “A monk sits cross-legged in the middle of the road, meditating on existence.  A powerful insight consumes him: He and the Universe are One.  He intuits further that the Universe, being One, would never harm him itself.  And as long as he stays connected, he too will never come to harm.  During this timeless thought, he feels the ground shaking.  He looks up and sees an elephant walking down the very same road on which he sits.  He smiles inwardly and continues to meditate.  As the animal draws closer, he opens his eyes again.  A man is standing on the back of the elephant, waving his arms and yelling, “Get out of the road! Get out of the road!”  Completely confident in his realization, he returns to his meditation.  The elephant squashes him.  As he lies there hemorrhaging to death, he calls out, “How did this happen? I don’t understand.”  His Zen master comes out of the ditch, walks over to him, and says, “Didn’t you hear IT tell you to get out of the road?”

                    Zen parable

     

    More from the book Waking, by Matthew Sanford.

     

    “I was about to commit to the study of yoga and do so with a paralyzed body. The truth that my body possessed memory, that it was also conscious, was as undeniable as the man yelling from the back of the elephant.  But I had no idea what this meant for my practice of yoga.  How do you interact with a body that you cannot feel directly but is conscious nonetheless?”

     

    “This story of the monk’s mistake was reassuring to me.  I did not need to know anything in advance.  I just needed to stay open to my experience, to what was obvious.  My yoga practice would talk to me like the man on the back of the elephant.  I just needed to listen and not prejudge what I was being told.”

     

    “This story also made me feel less alone.  The Universe would talk to me when and if it was needed.  My task was simple:  I only had to listen.  If I did, the Universe’s guidance would be obvious, not hidden.  I would feel connected, not disconnected.  The phrase “back of the elephant” became my reminder to listen to the experience of my life and not deny it.”

     

    “My lifelong commitment to yoga, my practical journey through mind-body integration, begins slowly after surgery.  Not only am I sore, but this is also new territory for both Jo and me.  During our first meeting postsurgery, I am still unable to do any poses.  I just need to tell her about the tunnel I have been in- the hospital, the body memories, the grief.  This intimacy is a testament to the strength of our relationship. Although there is already a deep connection between us, we do not know each other that well.”

     

    “We are on the dojo floor – two willing students have helped me down – and Jo is sitting directly in front of me, spine erect, with the soles of her feet pressing against each other.  The pose is called baddha konosana, and she sits in it almost the entire time we visit. Teaching without teaching.”

     

    “She listens to my story, says little, and absorbs much.  She intuitively knows that I have much to let go of. She knows firsthand the way memory can uncoil from a body. As I tell her about my time in the hospital, I expect vacant eyes of polite disbelief.  But instead, she nods, looks down and whispers, “I know.”  Jo and I have met each other at the perfect time.  My need is obvious.  But Jo, too, is in transition.  She is in the very early stages of starting what will become the San Diego Yoga Studio. She is ready to strike out on her own and is gaining confidence.  She is also ready to take her fourteen years of yogic experience and consciously combine it with her uncanny ability to empathize with and project into another person’s body.  In order to teach me, she will have to intuitively connect with what it’s like to be paralyzed.  She will have to imagine how yoga might manifest through such a body.  Luckily for me, Jo has this rare ability in spades.”

     

    “So begins one of the relationships in my life of which I am most proud.  There was no model for us to follow, no example from which to learn.  Jo teaches Iyengar Yoga, a highly refined system developed by yoga master Sri B.K.S. Ivengar.  After meeting me the first time Jo had called two senior teachers in the Ivengar method for advice.  Their recommendations of one or two seated poses and some shoulder and arm stretches were of little help. She had already exhausted their ideas in our first session.  She was left to her own devices, to her own creativity, to an uncommon openness that would guide our work together.  She didn’t have to be an expert. She knew Iyengar yoga – that was clear.  I was her student – that was also clear. But we explored the possibilities of yoga and paralysis together.  She made me a partner in a great experiment – the mark of a fabulous teacher.”

     

    “Jo had the patience and the foresight not to force the Iyengar system of yoga onto my body. For instance, she did not worry that I could not do standing poses – the poses that are considered to be the building blocks of the entire system.  Instead, Jo had faith in the system’s underlying principles.  Iyengar yoga distinguishes itself from the other styles of yoga by its heightened empasis on alignment and precision.  I believe the reason for this is profound.  When anatomical structures – bones, muscles, ligaments, tendons, skin, and so on – are brought into greater alignment, the mind connects with the body more fluidly and with less effort.”

     

    “This phenomenon is easily experienced. Sit in a chair, slump your shoulders, and let your neck and head jut forward away from the torso. We all know this position – we call it bad posture. Now, sit up straight, life the chest, broaden across the collarbones, and extend out through the top of the head.  Notice how presence activates in the inner thighs and down through our feet, especially through your heels.  The mind moves without intent, without volition. As the chest lifts and the spine extends, the mind follows the more efficient distribution of gravity and naturally increases its presence in the lower extremities.  Iyengar yoga, by emphasizing alignment and precision, maximizes the effortless form of mind-body integration.  It is the beginning of realizing an energetic connection between the mind and body.”

     

    “Of course, this realization did not come to me all at once.  I had been practicing consistently for about six months. Each morning I would get up, drink some water, and then sit in my blue velvet chair.  I would take a few minutes to feel my whole body, to activate a sense of presence through my base by focusing on the weight distribution between my sits bones and imagining a connection between my chest, tailbone and my feet.”

    “My actual practice was limited to four poses.  I would get down on my blue exercise mat and do each pose three times.  Dandasana: legs straight in front, palms pressed into the floor beside the hips, lift the chest.  Upavista Konasana (“wide-legs”): Legs far apart as possible, hands grab the legs just below the knees, lift the chest.  Baddha konosana: Soles of the feet pressing evenly into each other, interlock the fingers, grab underneath the feet, hold them firmly, lift the chest, and stretch torso up. Siddhasana: one leg bent at the knee, with the foot pressing against the opposite thigh; the other leg bent at the knee and the foot set upon the ankle of the first foot; join the thumbs and forefingers to rest the back of each hand upon each knee palms facing upward. With such a limited repertoire of poses, I was forced to learn from subtle differences between them.  I was made to look more deeply into what could easily have become ordinary.”

     

    “Just doing four poses was exciting enough.  My body, paralyzed though it was, was taking the shapes of real, bona fide yoga poses.  I would sit on the floor, use my arms to move my legs, bring the soles of my feet together, grab underneath them, and lift my chest.  The outward result was pleasing.  If a snapshot of my version of baddha konasana were held up next to a snapshot of another beginning student’s pose, they would have looked roughly the same.  I could do it.”

                    Matthew

     

    As he shared his experiences, he affirmed mine yet again.

     

    My experience with yoga has merged me with my body, where before I lived a few feet from it.  Also, it has given me wonderful insights as I yoga along.

     

     

  • What Fills Me Up.

    Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor wrote about energy takers in her book, “My Stroke of Insight”.

     

    And if you watch how your body responds to different situations, you can find this out yourself.

     

    I know that when I am in the presence of people who talk about life negatively, I leave totally drained.

     

    Some talk in a victim mode where life is out to get you, and there is nothing you can do to change it.  They are not looking for an answer, but rather seem to delight in sharing more and more of how victimized they are and who the next big threat will be and how to guard against it. 

     

    Living on the defensive side of life!

     

    They are fighting with life and feeling they are being assaulted by life at every turn. 

     

    From this mode there is very little in life that brings them happiness, mostly life brings them bad news.

     

    Their radar is positioned to spot the next attack.

     

    Very interesting to watch the way the conversations flowed and how my energy level disappeared.

     

    It doesn’t matter which topic is brought up, they see it from a victim’s point of view and their victim energy gets refilled.

     

    I didn’t realize that victim energy could be draining on one side and refilling on the other.

     

    What fuels the victim mode is feeling more like a victim.

     

    My energy system needs the opposite; I need to be with life giving energies, where change is seen as an opportunity to change.  Where you flow with life, greeting it as it is, and bending in nonresistance, where you look for answers and solutions.

     

    What is greatly interesting to me, it is not the individual bodies I resent, but their modalities of living life.

     

    My view of life is so completely different now. I no longer feel a victim to life, but instead a partner with my life.

     

    As I walk hand in hand with my life, I feel so grateful to be free of the life draining energies that engulfed me in my past and I now know what brings me energy or what steals it away.

     

    Living life from the inside out, I feel the differences between energy coming in and my energies leaving, how I feel with someone or how I feel when I leave.

     

    I love that I know this about me.

    I love knowing what is draining me and what fills me up.

     

    As a good body keeper it is my job to watch for energy drains and for what fills me up.

     

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  • From Feeling Bad To Feeling Good!

     

     

    I awoke shortly after 6am and in no mood for yoga, the sun was just lightening the horizon, I couldn’t find a reason to begin.

     

    In a place between doing it and not, I think I would have felt perfectly fine just sitting and waiting for the sun to shine in my face, starring mindlessly without having to expend one ounce of energy, suspended in a land where yoga never lived.

     

    After letting my yoga buddies know that I would be taking their energy, down the stairs I went.

     

    I wondered how this would work, me empty but willing to try.

     

    Bikram didn’t know my feelings at all, he began with his full energy and didn’t spare me a bit, and I followed along, perhaps better than ever, just about doing every pose until he said, ‘change’ or ‘enough’.  Incredible!  I didn’t have the energy to protest.

     

    In the Eagle, a thought came in, that without pain what would keep me doing this, what is the purpose for me doing this, if not to alleviate pain?

     

    “Feeling good” landed in my body, to feel good?  Wow. 

     

    It felt odd to acknowledge that I was doing something for me that felt good for me, that I felt good carrying around the rest of the day, and it was also sad, that I haven’t done things simply to feel good.

     

    I am almost positive that I have never done something where the agenda was for ME to Feel Good, only ME! 

     

    Somehow before Eagle I was wondering what it would take to maintain this daily grind, what kind of energy I would need to keep up this regiment.

     

    This regiment is to keep feeling good!

    Isn’t that insane?

     

    I call it a regiment, a hardship, a struggle, when what I am doing each morning is setting the tone, I am working to keep a set point of feeling good!

     

    How in world is this so twisted upside down and backwards, that I am feeling a struggle to maintain a feeling good feeling?

     

    And let me tell you all, I am feeling good, I am feeling a body that has muscles, that is stronger and looks better, clothes fit better, I walk straighter, head held high, and with good energy! 

     

    I have stated, that there is no ill side affects to this yoga.

     

    And here is the deal, yoga makes you feel better, gives you a new body, a new mind and a new life, according to Bikram and I!

     

    Yoga is the counterbalance to feeling bad, it will spring you ahead, not drag you back, even if it feels like you are going against the magnetic pull to begin, that all forces are against you starting, it is then that it is most critical in order to continue to feel good.

     

    My maintenance routine or ‘regiment’ is to keep back the bad feelings, the dragging body, and no energy weighing down my life.

     

    Inside I feel good about my inside and outside body!

    I made it over the line, from feeling bad to feeling good!

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

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  • Me.

    Greatness is not in where we stand, but in what direction we are moving. We must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it — but sail we must and not drift, nor lie at anchor.”  Oliver Wendell Holmes 

     

    I am surprising myself that I have continued to sail, although I haven’t met really strong head winds, just a few strong breezes in the past 50 days.

     

    I have 50 more to go and I don’t know what each new day brings, what winds will blow into my day, but so far I get my sailing done first thing in the morning, I make that leg of the journey perhaps before the winds begin to blow in the calm waters of the dawn.

     

    This is so not like me, I used to be the martyr and nibble on the leftovers of the day, the few crumbs of time and the bottom of energy tank, and those I chose for mine.

     

    Usually there wasn’t much there to do anything with, but sleep.  I slept to be a martyr again.

     

    As I now take from the top of the tank, I feel that I am stronger within myself and that is what I now bring to each situation that arises.

    I used to have a shame muscle that would operate if I were to focus so much on my self, to take the time off the top for me, to use my time and my energy for me.  How dare you, it would say!

     

    How dare I not.  My body is so much better, my disposition feels calmer, and my whole life feels more in control when I am in control of me in my life.

     

    It has taken me 51 years to realize the only one who can take care of me is me and if I drain my tank without first filling me up, we all suffer.

     

    My tank is full, the day has begun, I now have something to give to my day, Me!

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