I M Perfect lady

Tag: Experiences

  • Beyond the Mind.

    In Proof of Heaven, Eben Alexander writes,

    "When it came to Near Death Experiences, there are there basic camps.  There were the believers; either people who had undergone an NDE themselves or who simply found such experiences easy to accept. Then, of course, there were the staunch unbelievers (like the old me). These people didn't generally classify themselves as unbelievers, however.  They simply "knew" that the brain generated consciousness and wouldn't hold still for crazy ideas of the mind beyond the body (unless they were good-naturedly comforting someone, as I had thought I'd been doing with Suzanna that day)."

    "The more I learned about my condition, and the more I sought, using scientific literature, to explain what happened, the more I came up spectacularly short. Everything – the uncanny clarity of my vision, the clearness of my thoughts as pure conceptual flow – suggested higher, not lower, brain functioning. But my higher brain had not been around to do that work."

    "The more I read of the "scientific" explanations of what NDEs are, the more I was shocked by their transparent flimsiness. And yet I also knew with chagrin that they were exactly the same ones that the old "me" would have pointed to vaguely if someone had asked me to explain what an NDE is."

    "But people who weren't doctors couldn't be expected to know this. If what I'd undergone had happened to someone – anyone – else, it would have been remarkable enough. But that it had happened to me…Well, saying that it had happened "for a reason" made me a little uneasy.  There was enough of the old doctor in me to know how outlandish – how grandiose, in fact – that sounded. But when I added up the sheer unlikelyhood of all the details – and especially when I considered how precisely perfect a disease E. coli meningitis was for taking my cortex down, and my rapid and complete recovery from almost certain destruction – I simply had to take serious the possibility that it really and truly had happened for a reason."

    "That only made me feel a greater sense of responsibility to tell my story right." Eben.

    What I love about this book and "My Stroke of Insight" is how a person with the right and perfect background and formal training has an experience, that they intimately understand and do so while remaining conscious, when medically it is impossible or so we thought…and how they are able to write about it.

    Eben was shown how consciousness works by experience and it trumped all his prior learning.  It opened up a completely new space around his neurosurgeon's beliefs.

    What I find so fascinating and so enthralling is how so many old beliefs are getting left standing almost silly looking by the sheer fact that People of Knowledge are experiencing what they thought was impossible.  That it is happening to specific people and it does seem to have its purpose.  If to do nothing else but to tip down old belief systems.

    I have felt, and do feel, a kinship to these folks, but in a much more normal segment of the population. A regular person who was aware of her journey out of dysfunction. 

    To find consciousness, clarity and choices while fully knowing my brain was washed and cleansed and twisted by the church and abuse…respectively.

    It would seem, that a person such as I, would not be able to "know" what to do, what to say and where to go…that the very person I was trained to be, would the very tool against me.  And yet, I was able to walk clear.

    How?

    How was it possible for me to do what others didn't seem able to do?  How was I different than them?  How am I able to see what others can't?  How is it that reality and I are one, while they can't seem to grasp it?

    All, I can say is that I too had consciousness on my side. It wasn't my thinking brain that guided me…for it was completely damaged by years of cult like teachings and abuse's definitions…I used a totally different navigational tool…awareness – consciousness…a knowing that I hadn't known before.

    Everything that I had known prior was to also be found flimsy and weak, without a string to reality.

    The reason I write on this blog is to share my experiences of how abuse looks to an aware mind.  How religion's applications of forgiveness of sins is failing in reality. Without awareness or consciousness…you can only see the unquestioned beliefs…without doubts you will stand steadfast in the clutches of your unfounded beliefs.

    I know, that I am seen as "the crazy one" the one who is way out there.  I get it. And, I agree. I am not the usual victim.  I have been able to see my brainwashed mind and the way abuse had it so completely upside down.  And, I have been able to re-work those old definitions to put them back correctly.

    I believe that this is the new way forward. That the abused mind/brainwashed cult brain can be overcome…by consciousness.

    What I don't know is how to get consciousness, for it just was there for me. When my world shattered into a billion pieces all I was left with was that.  Which actually was much wider and more spacious than any belief I held dear.

    I have lost much, but I have gained even more.

    I write, for I believe that it will someday make someone else's journey less weird and feel less crazy.  

    These books legitimize the unbelievable and make a new belief…while kindly ridding us of the old paradigms.

    I have felt the strange aloneness, the echoes of no one before me. To be ahead of the time.  To look around and see so many challenging me with this 'weird' way.

    It is like there are new experiences coming forth…gaining consciousness.

    I wonder what we have called "Near Death Experiences" were actually brushes with consciousness?

    For, It changes you forever…knowing there is more beyond the mind.

  • Find Their Way Here.

    "If I had experienced different things, I would have different things to say."  Mark Nepo

    I loved yesterday's reading…I know what he means.

    "So often, I have felt troubled and guilty bearing witness to my pain, and yet, not to make things worse.  Somehow, in saying just what Mother had done in her cruel need to be the center, or just what Father couldn't do out of his fear of facing my mother; somehow telling the truth as I know it makes me feel like a bad person – as if I'm making my pain up, as if I'm hurting others by saying bad things about them."

    "But the unshakable bottom of all this is that I'm not making things up.  If I have unkind things to say, it's because I have experienced unkind things. And so, my only guide in this witnessing is to be accurate and honest.  While I am not a victim, I didn't ask for certain shaping experiences to happen to me.  I didn't ask to be slapped or ridiculed as a boy or to be mistreated by lifelong friends later in life.  In truth, If I had experienced different things, I would have different things to say."

    "What is most healing about bearing witness to things exactly as they are, including my own part in my pain, is that when the voice of pain fits the pain, there is no room for distortion or illusion.  In this way, truth becomes a clean bandage that heals, keeping the dirt out of the wound."

    "To voice things as they are is the nearest medicine."  Mark Nepo

    I was raised, "If you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing at all."  That not nice things were not to be talked about.  Which leaves the abuse out of the picture or any negative experience.  

    Where then is it okay to talk about unkind things? 

    I had a profound visual with two blogs by one person.  How one blog only had the "Nice things to say" while the other seemed to delve into to unkind behaviors of others…like there is a need to keep the two blogs separated.

    It brought a clear visual for me to see how my mother kept a clean and kind blog, while behind the scenes unkindness happened, but it never made it to her blog page/life.

    That our unkind treatment from our father had no place in my mother's idyllic life.  It would mar the otherwise beautiful large family picture she was painting.  Where my father was a hardworking provider for his family, who never asked for nothing.

    If you are silent about the Unkind things, your blog/life would look picture perfect.  

    My mother's life had no room for any negative talk about my father. Which left us no place to go. Our wounds did not fit into her picture perfect family. His negative treatment wasn't allowed, let alone hers. 

    I know that my mother kept separated our sexual abuse, it belonged on another blog, not the every day blog, but a special one that was rarely visited and you didn't want to stay there long and it was 'private', you didn't air this out to everyone.  Abuse doesn't go on the every day blog…it is to be hidden off to the side.  So hidden that no one talked about it, ever.  Until someone broke the rule and spoke up and said, "unkind" things about an unkind experience with my father.

    His and her negative blogs then were revealed.

    I had lived my whole life working for her daily family blog, not realizing that she had a secret, that I had a secret abuse blog going on as well.  And my life actually made sense when you blended the two.  

    I became totally normal when the two blogs collided.

    What is so key, is that the truth lies in both blogs, but the two blogs shall never meet each other. This is a great visual of disassociation or denial…or in my experience the FALC way. 

    The unkind things go to the blog called, "Forgiveness of Sins"…you speak of it , and then segregate them to another space.

    When she forbid us to bring abuse to her daily blog, she left the real me out.  I wasn't able to be myself in her world.  

    What I have been determined to do was to combine both blogs and make them me.  That is the true representation of me.  

    As I look upon this blog, it is mostly about the things my mother kept hidden…I speak of abuse, of unkind experiences, the things that usually are kept off the daily blogs…find their way here.  

     

  • There is a way out.

    While I was learning how to live with my work changes, it came to me, that we can come to peace with things by not doing anything, but perhaps just thinking differently or by looking at someone who has it worse and then sitting back and feeling better, but not actually correcting anything in our own lives.

    That I could actually numb myself to my own life by focusing on someone less fortunate, bypassing my own feelings by being falsely elevated from their lack or worse off situation.

    While it is true, that there are many more lives in worse shape than mine, mine is the only place I live and feel.

    When I talk myself into being okay in my life without making changes, but rather by picking someone who is suffering more, what I am really doing is giving myself the license to not be responsible for my own happiness.

    On one hand I can feel better that someone is worse off and on the other hand, I can ‘blame’ my work for not being able to do this or that.

    I am in a helpless life…and if I keep focusing on what others are doing, the less I focus on what I can do.

    In life things flow in and out, grow and expand as well as shrink and lessen, it is all fluid and if we stand staunchly unchanging, we are victims of life.

    What happens instead is when life changes and we change, we are moving with the flow of life, bending and allowing answering its call.
    Adjustments are needed, not just witnessing of other folks suffering or being in a rougher situation.

    We literally have to make exchanges.

    If you fail to make the exchange, you then allow life to make it for you.

    What is the saying, “when God closes a door he opens a window”…I am thinking we have to find the window; otherwise we sit in a room feeling like there is no way out.

    Knowing that a window is possible, that it will take some creativity and changes on my end, I focus not on the closed door, but turn towards the window.

    The key is to find the window, to turn and look around, seeking answers instead of sitting down helplessly staring at the closed door.

    The closed door will not open and the answers are not to keep banging on the door with angry fists, you have to instead escape through the window rendering the closed door powerless.

    It seems many of us will not change on our own, we need to have doors banged shut in order for us to look for a new insight, or to escape an old routine, to leave old pathways for new adventures, to get out of old jobs where our learning has stopped.

    Some see the closed doors as punishment from the Universe, yet in my experience it was for my own good that the door remained closed and that I had to change in order to move and grow.

    In my experience there are no rooms without windows…for each time a door does close, there is a way out.

  • Live in this Moment of Time.

    I think as parents we believe we are riding shotgun in our children’s lives, while in reality they are flying solo.

    Our children are separate individuals doing their lives and we are spectators not operators of their lives.

    New souls in a new body landing on earth and they get to learn how life flows down here.

    It is all new for them, and we as parents are wanting to spare them the pain and suffering, when in actuality it is by walking through different experiences that gives them character.

    My view is much broader and I am living out front of where they are, a trail guide hollering out what is up ahead.

    Yet how can I know for sure?

    It is my challenge to walk besides, not up ahead.

    Our lives unfold as they will, and it takes energy to be in the future while living in today.

    Today, what do I do today?

    What is going on right here right now?

    I will return to living on a short time frame.

    I also learned that if you take care of the people the people will take care of the rest.

    And if you do right today, the tomorrows will also take care of themselves.

    All we are asked is to live in this moment of time.