I M Perfect lady

Tag: familiar

  • The Stranger Among them.

    At times it is very interesting to be me, to actually watch reactions to me while being me.  I have changed my ideals and the way I live my life.  I have totally flipped and it shows in the reactions folks give me.

    It is like certain people have an allergic reaction to me.

    I seen a brother I haven’t seen in a year.  The last time, we were on ‘friendly’ terms, but he was a fence walker; he would visit me and then be with my mother. 

    He said he was okay with everyone, to each their own, it mattered not to him.

    Now it seems I matter…something has changed. 

    He and I used to stop by and call etc, but in the last year silence.  I don’t know what I have done, nor did I bring it up when I seen him this evening while out to dinner with my children and husband.

    He chatted with my kids easily, and sent me a glance and quickly looked away…I am used to those kinds.  I didn’t probe either or ask what happened. Didn't make him uncomfortable or put him on the spot, I let it go. 

    He has a new wife now maybe she is the change in us.

    I can’t know, and I don’t want to make him come or call or care.

    His actions are asking for space…I honor that.

    It makes me wonder why he was so free to come before, to fish, to eat, to get mending done, to vent, to rage and for me to hear, and now nothing.

    Perhaps he doesn’t need me anymore.  How odd it is to have these relations fade into nothing, to watch me fade away. 

    The old me would have forced and pushed myself in…maybe even by offering more and more for him and now her.

    The new me watches them with me, how I have nothing that they need anymore.  How I am just a wall flower or just a casual hi and few pleasantries, and the old familiarity has turned to strange.

    I am strange. 

    My actions are strange…I am the stranger among them.

  • My mind now knows it.

    My feelings are like energy magnets and they seem to either be drawn to someone or pushed back, I am unable to steer my feelings, they have a life of their own.

    I can be friends with someone, and then they do something that changes who they are, and I don’t even have to wonder what to do, inside of me the desire to be with them changes and I move away.

    Some will say the friendship or love began to cool, and what I believe happens is new information comes in and it changes the ingredients of their energy system. And then we act differently, it isn’t a conscious thought, but unconsciously our body is leading us.

    I am now very astute as far as my body’s signals are, even a slight change sends a ripple across the water inside of me.

    In the past I believe my insides were very choppy waters so I couldn’t tell if an outside stress was stressing me, for the insides were already such a mess, it is like looking for ripples on 8ft waves.

    Each time a new ripple comes in I stay with it, I discern where it is coming from, what is going on in my world, and who is carrying it?

    My body doesn’t lie; it knows when something in my world is off kilter, when peace has been disturbed, when an untruth has walked into my space.

    Hints to my dis-ease float to me, unannounced and land like odd objects in an otherwise normal world, beckoning me to notice. If I miss one, a second one appears like messengers relentlessly waking me up.

    Once you notice these mess enders, the mess in my understanding clears up, and I see clearly.

    What I see isn’t always what I want, but what I need to see.

    I used to dismiss these signals and over sedate my body so I didn’t feel their uncomfortable truths, now I know if I don’t get the first message the problem doesn’t go away, I am just wanting to play in denial.

    The land of denial is only a temporary home, a respite on a journey towards the truth, and it seems the longer you put it off, the more you have to face in the end.

    I now prefer to face things one at time and as they happen, and to see the nuances and changes in people’s personalities and stay recent with the affects of their behaviors, so that we are not familiar strangers.

    My daughter’s face is familiar but everything else is getting stranger and stranger, my body no longer is comfortable with the ‘truth’ that she presents, it seems to be a token or crumb tossed my way to chew on, and bit by bit I am being fed a book full of lies to deflect me away from who she really is.

    To be honest, I wish my body believed what my ears are hearing, it would be so much easier, but they disagree and there is dis ease inside of me.

    My body is a lie detector and my mind now knows it…