I M Perfect lady

Tag: flowing

  • Window in Self Love

    Sitting here this morning with a visual of a scorecard and its shocking totals are prompting me to shut a door, close a window, and separate myself from those racking up the score.

    It wouldn’t be so bad if the game was close to a tie but the numbers in the Perpetrator column are 100 and the Little Girls Zero.

    This game started with my parents and continues on to the second generation, they have taken over the scorecard and adding their marks.

    Each of us carries our own scorecard and then a collective one for those we travel with, and we write upon who we are by where our hash marks go.

    Our actions are our hash marks, no words are needed, its an actions only game of life.

    I had 40 years of filling the column up with support for the Perp and his wife, I worked, lifted, carried, toiled, struggled, adding to their columns.

    They had my full undying support, my confidence, my faith, and what I called love back then…they had all of me, and I had zero.

    Zero was all I felt and all I was worth.

    My only worth came from filling up another’s column.

    It was up to me to build them up, cheer them up, help them up, make them up, hold them up, Anything to keep them from falling down.

    I was worth something If I could keep them from falling down. Like a juggler of bad behaviors, I kept trying harder the more they fell down.

    Sadly all the beefing up of their columns couldn’t make them into what I needed them to be, and in the end they fell exactly as they were, nothing changed.

    We just can’t know that we are not our brother’s keeper, we can’t make or break their lives by our actions, our actions and our scorecard is our life.

    Each of us accumulates scores by what we do.

    My actions have drastically changed, I no longer lift a finger to add anything or take away anything from another’s scorecard, I only make marks on my own.

    Don’t worry folks, I know what you feel about me, I know the sharp edges of self righteous labels you are sticking on me, the tags of uncaring, cold, heartless, mental, unstable, distant, sickening, all the names float towards me when we communicate, I get it, I receive fully your intentions and your feelings, and this is why I am shutting the window, closing the door, for I am not willing to take it anymore.

    You won, the game is over.
    I quit.

    You can’t keep racking up the scores against me If I am no longer in the game…

    My wellness, healing, happiness, peace, love and joy falter as each time I feel these energies coming towards me, it is self-abuse to keep the window open.

    I shut the window in self love.

  • Challenge called Daily Yoga.

    I went to the basement today with Carl and Karen’s words of praise and correction front and center, eager to reach the postures to either stand in pride or settle into the pose differently.

     

    The Balancing Stick does make a difference if you look ahead and down, instead of down, and to stretch with your arms and torso forward.

     

    When I came to cobra, I tried hard to do what Carl told me this morning is a reverse push-up. Keeping in mind the compression of the lower back, that that is what our goal is, I even tried to feel the nerves after the release, that Karen talked about.

     

    It way helps to have eyes in our studio, especially eyes of experience yogis.  It is amazing, just show them a picture and they can see where I needed help.

     

    Bikram says in his book, “Look up at the ceiling, raise your head, and, using the strength of your back, lift your torso off the floor. Arch the head and torso back as much as possible; at the same time, press the belly button into the floor.  The belly button and everything below it stays in contact with the floor.”

     

    It is exciting to bring new hints and corrections to the poses, to help you reach your ultimate goal.

     

    Speaking of ultimate goal, it came to me that I completed one goal, 60-day challenge, only to be still in a much larger challenge.

     

    The challenge to continue on, without a short term prize, without a real numbers game to be competing in, instead just doing this in the morning, as part of my day.

     

    Making it become as Carl said, “like taking a shower.”

     

    As I walked Finn outside along the frozen river, as the crystals coated the trees, it occurred to me, we are always looking for the next challenge, the next quick fix, the next thing to complete or compete in, instead of being in the midst of the river of life, we want it to freeze or finish up.

     

    What is wrong with playing in the flow of yoga, to watch your self change daily or sometimes from pose to pose. 

     

    Does there have to be an ending in sight?

    What happens if we are instead in an endless yoga challenge?

     

    An endless challenge called daily yoga.