I M Perfect lady

Tag: free

  • My own load I can manage.

    What I experienced was the karmic wheel that was much larger than what I seen of my boss’s one day.

    This was an energy that had been repressed and bundled in fear.

    Each moment in my life where I felt the superior was neglectful; I became insubordinate and tried to correct my mother’s behavior by correcting them.

    The Universe has delivered to me various opportunities to attend to myself, but in each of the situations I instead became rebellious to the boss, not wanting to once again endure the treatment of childhood.

    More than once, I have been told I walked a fine line of being insubordinate.

    I looked up the meaning, it means to refuse to obey orders or submit to authority.

    Of course my insubordinate nature was always to protect the unprotected children, no matter if the ‘children’ were my fellow employees.

    I was stuck in the fear of being responsible for things that I wasn’t suppose to be responsible for and for making the supervisor/mother aware of their behaviors while wanting to please them by allowing them to leave for rest, yet resenting the mess they left me in.

    If you look at this without the fear of being unattended, or the fact that I will not be held responsible for things that could/would and may happen, I am just a woman whose only responsibility is to care for my one rural route.

    I can do that.

    I did do that.

    I literally kept bringing the focus back to my mail, my job and tried to ‘not care’ about what was going on in her world.

    The separation is key.

    The knowing what is my business and what is hers.
    What is my responsibility and what is hers.
    Thankfully she didn’t leave behind babies who were in need of much care, babies that I just couldn’t neglect and leave unattended.

    What I see and feel most now is that I have a much broader view and less fear of the lines between what is my responsibility and what is others.
    Picking up others responsibility has weakened my shoulders and weighed heavy in my life.

    I feel the correction and the absence of fear that I am not being a good responsible girl in their absence with a load so much larger than my capabilities.

    My own load I can manage.

  • Morale within a Cult.

    What I am finding so intriguing or mind bending as I contemplate Evil, is that Evil is literally defined in the eye of the beholder, there seems to be a personal preference accommodation, not an official Evil standard we all go by.

    I was going to say that we all believe killing is wrong, but in war we say it is okay. Well, okay for us to kill, but not be killed. We swing and spin in our definitions…

    Evil seems hard to pin down so that all looking at it will agree, there seems to be a viewpoint that changes evil into good and good into evil.

    This has to be what divides us that we can’t even agree on what defines evil in humanity.

    What also makes it hard is that you can be raised in evil and not know it, and be told anything outside of your home and church is wrong, and you believe it. Fearing what you don’t know.

    You believe it until you don’t believe it and then you find it hard that you ever could have believed what you believed.

    Life after cult is an incredible ride, it has such fluid openness and freedom, a sense of being an individual unattached and unfettered, a free spirit.

    Free spirits are bad for morale within a cult.

  • Caretaker of Me!

    “The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.  If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened.  But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”

      ~Friedrich Nietzsche

     

    Peer pressure will always be there, the calling of a group, or the pressure to just go along with everyone else, to keep the peace, to not ruffle feathers, and it is usually at the cost of self.

     

    What I think we instinctively feel is that we will be alone IF we go against the pack and it is usually the case, and nobody wants to be the odd man out.

     

    So, instead of owning yourself, you just go along so you are not alone.

     

    Being alone isn’t seen as a worthy goal, going with the flow and peacefully accepting the group consensus is.

     

    What I find so intriguing is that I feel the draw of being part of a group even if it is dysfunctional and painful group!

     

    My old co-dependency feels frightened to be disconnected and separated.  I feel the anxiousness at times of never fitting in or being together like that again.

     

    It is like I have two separate dialogues going on at one time, my free spirit is cheering and celebrating, ‘thank God we don’t have to be part of that ever again,’ and my co-dependency longs to join up, hook up, tag team with anyone, be part of a group of any kind, to fit in and not be dangling free.

     

    Once I can separate who wants what and what I really want, peace settles back in.

     

    What relief that this body is no longer for rent!

     

    I am the owner and caretaker of me! 

     

  • Present moment

    What is Love? 

     

    “I love you today” is what I began saying to my husband, for it seemed most true.  I didn’t know how long I would feel that way, and it seemed to presume too much to say forever.  It seems more real to say ‘today’.

     

    He agreed, for we had weathered so many changes and we understood that we had no idea what may come, but today…if we felt it, we said it, but only for today. 

     

    It left us free to be with Love to follow love, to be present with Love, no matter what Love said.  It was a feeling inside of us we had no control over, we could only voice what we felt.

     

    I honor that feeling and speak truthfully about its presence.

     

    Inside of me stirs feelings of Love for many things, people and places, sunsets and rises, colors, art, courage in others, in truth, so many things make my insides come alive in overwhelming present moment feelings, that is Love.

     

    Love at times is very raw, open, and unknowing, aware of many emotions, receiving them all in the truth that they bring; that Love is alive the Present moment .

     

    Happy Valentine’s Day!

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