I M Perfect lady

Tag: frozen

  • A wooden Lady

    It came to me while writing today, that I used to be a rock.  A solid unmoving sturdy chunk of ‘being okay’ no matter what Rock; that you couldn’t shake my good nature.

     

    I withstood false promises and never showed my disappointment, I relied on the unreliable to come through and never once stood up and walked away.  I lived for years and years being the rudder in lives that seemed to be adrift and in need of my steadiness, getting splashed upon and caught in the undertow, yet remained standing with them.

     

    I somehow felt so needed and secure to be their rock.

     

    A rock. That was my role.

     

    Not partner, friend, mutual exchanging, but a rock.

    Something to stand upon, sit upon reliable always being there, for them…my needs, thoughts, feelings hidden under the solid hard cover.

     

    Looking back at my rock days, being a rock star perhaps in a sick and twisted way, I see that I had no sense to move out of the way, that I didn’t have legs to move me, like a rock I waited for some one to come along and pick me up and throw me out of the relationship I was in.

     

    It literally never occurred to me to move.

     

    Six and a half years later I am good at moving, I am fluid like a stream, I show my emotions and voice my feelings, I am no longer stuck in the hailstorm of others peoples lives, I respond in kind to what comes my way, I move, I bend and turn…free.

     

    I watch now other rock ladies and witness the sickening way they try to control things that are out of their control, like an alcoholics wife the promises never take root.

     

    It is weird that the rock changes color depending upon who they are with, like a huge living breathing mood ring…they fill in the weak spot, overlook the negative and bring in the balance of what is missing.  It never crosses their minds to leave, to turn and get out.

     

    What I felt was a solid rock of good nature, was actually a solid rock victim.

     

    The difference of how you feel inside filling up the low spots in a relationship, like you are helping, adding, growing, when if fact you are helping them remain less.

     

    At first glance it seems like a good deed, that you are being so accommodating, but in actuality you are enabling them to treat you poorly.

     

    It is like you are helping them slap your face again and again, while you sit as a rock.

     

    I was proud of how much I could withstand, see it as my strength, and all it showed was how little I thought of myself.

     

    I was a rock…I was an island….isn’t that a line in a song?

     

    What continues to shock me is how backwards I had everything…sitting as a rock never moving, being so loyal…like a wooden lady.

     

     Smug mug pics 2527

     

     

  • Movement Against Fear Is Empowering

    I awoke from another profound dream and realized that my subconsciousness is healing.

     

    In the dream I am watching/babysitting an elderly couple, both are in bed, but not the same one, each are bickering to each other, clearly at odds.

     

    I am then sitting in a living room that has a glass wall where I can still see them, and I am reading, when suddenly the man is upon me, groping me, with no longer feeble hands, but very strong.  The woman remains sleeping, unaware.

     

    I am able to get free from his grasp and dial 9-1-1 on my phone, while he continues to pursue, and is now very angry with me for calling for help, and seems desperate to get me before ‘help’ arrives.  He also has picked up an object with which to hurt me.

     

    I put objects in his pathway as I am leaving the house, scrambling and telling 9-1-1 the house number of where he is, which angers him more. 

     

    Then I am in my car and the car is slow to start, but does and he is almost to the door handle… and I take off, leaving him grasping at air instead of the door handle of the car.

     

    I escape, successfully and have informed authorities, dream over. 

     

    I awake with a great understanding of what Peter Levine was talking about. 

     

    In the past this I have had a multitude of cat and mouse scenarios played out in my dreams and the dream always ended with me being caught, the end.

     

    Caught and frozen, just the dream ending and me waking up thankful IT being a dream so ‘nothing’ happened and I were saved. 

     

    Saved only because it was a dream, a scary dream or nightmare and I awoke.

     

    In my dream last night, it was the first time I was able to get away and to take the correct moves to do so, instead of freezing.

     

    Freezing and escaping from the scene by going into a dreamland in my mind, “disassociate” or waking up and it is a dream was all I had in the past.

     

    I had no way to escape in reality…until now.

     

    Boundaries, barriers, putting up a fight, standing up are all things a little child doesn’t have.

     

    It is those very items I am reclaiming and my subconscious mind is showing me in a dream I am succeeding.

     

    I awoke from that dream feeling as a heroine and not a victim.

     

    Moveable and not frozen, clearly seeing the cycle of caught and getting free, being restricted and getting away, instead of just knowing one side, frozen.  Frozen in fear.

     

    The freedom to move makes all the difference in the world.

     

    Movement against fear is empowering.

  • Boundaries are the Key to Healing!

    Putting up boundaries to keep someone out is where I still get a little shaky.  Yet it’s those times when I feel toxic energy seeping in, that I must erect a boundary in place.  It is imperative to my healing.

     

    Set up the space to keep me safe.

     

    Peter Levine says on his CD, “Sexual Healing” that boundaries are key to healing.

     

    He explains how if you have no boundaries you get stuck in that place, that trauma that abuse, the hollering, and the drama.  But if you can erect a boundary, it is the opening to which you flow into.

     

    It is the stopping power that I lost as a child that I can now use as big person, one that will restore my leaking boundaries.  

     

    Stopping them from coming into my world.  I have the power to keep people out, where as a child I had none.

     

    Who knew that trauma is about being boundary less, which is why the world seems so scary, you are unable to protect yourself.

     

    Or you have the reverse, still no boundaries and no contact with feelings, so anyone can stomp all over you, again powerless to more and more abuse.

     

    What I failed to realize is that healing is having boundaries.

     

    Actually stopping toxic people from walking on you is healing.

     

    In fact he says, having memories or not doesn’t matter, it is the process of completing the action where the healing stops.

     

    Traumatized people get left in the trauma energy, the tightness, and the constricted fear with no way out.

     

    He teaches you to flow between being comfortable and going into the tightness or stiffness of neck and places where you are stressed and then into places where you feel comfort, the ebb and flow.

     

    It is so exciting when you find that you can exit a place, a feeling, a stressful moment, a relationship, a situation, and a conversation, to be the one to ask for space.

     

    Space between you and harm. 

     

    Asking for space is the healing.

     

    When you are the one who stops the harmful interaction you are healing, you are completing the cycle of abuse.

     

    You are getting out of the way, instead of being frozen unable to move, unable to speak, to have a boundary.

     

    “Boundaries are the key to healing.” 

     

     

  • Hold Our Stories

    Before I discovered that my father was a pedophile, I had night terrors, where I would wake up FROZEN in terror.  I literally could not move my arms, or even one finger tip, I was flattened onto the bed, exposed, heart racing and almost unable to breathe, there seemed to be a heavy air in the room permeated with fear.

     

    These occurred regularly, but not nightly, and I had no idea what made them happen.

     

    When I was awoken in this state of terror, I knew if I could move one arm or finger and touch my husbands back, I would be okay, but I was literally paralyzed.

     

    It was in the middle of the night, that suddenly I was wide awake, on very high alert, frozen in terror, not knowing if ‘something’ was in the room to fear, or was it dream.  It would catch me unaware.

     

    Maybe it was my body showing me what lay underneath, how it feels to lose the options of fight or flight.

     

    What I find really fascinating is that these night terrors have literally disappeared, I have not had one single one since the day I discovered that the fear I had of my father was justified.

     

    How utterly remarkable the body is in how it maintains this information and how it expresses it perfectly until you get it.

     

    Until you fully understand the journey you both have been on.  For up and until then, my body was the only one who knew, my awareness understood terror, I just didn’t understand the source.

     

    I am in great awe of the wonderful tool we all have to use to navigate our journey of life.

     

    Our bodies hold our stories.