Grand Traverse Women Magazine was asking about articles on Motherhood, and immediately I felt that I had a unique perspective in how my mothering changed as I unraveled my life of abuse.
It is like my children had two different mothers without going through a divorce, the changes in how I mothered are totally opposite.
The woman in motherhood is the key component, how she is built and operates, is how she will mother.
Who I was as a woman is where I began mothering from and I brought to mothering, the skills I learned from my mother, a legacy that flows into us like breath.
Mothering doesn’t change us; we bring to the child who we are.
All of our past lands upon the child in the way we relate to them and how we expect them to relate to us, we began building a relationship.
A relationship of dysfunction or one with healthy boundaries, and it all depends upon the adult.
Whether this is motherhood or fatherhood, the adult is the operator of the relationship and how they conduct themselves is how healthy or unhealthy the child will grow.
My father was a pedophile and I one of his victims. My mother stayed married to this man for 49 years, this is the pattern I had to follow.
I mothered as she did, until at 46, I found out that my childhood of no memories was due to the fact I was abused, I then had to re-look at who I was and how I lived.
An adult woman of abuse is very co-dependent, she expects her children to make her shine, to make her happy to live for her.
A woman who is clear and separated from abuse knows her children are free to live and be themselves, and will monitor but not control their lives.
The dysfunctional co-dependent way of mothering is hell to do and tragically damages children to the extent that they don’t know how to live a life separated from others, they are groomed to be parasites.
Living off of what makes others happy.
My children, all four, were set free the moment I knew I was abused and that I had serious work to do on getting me back to ‘normal’.
I allowed them to be themselves and we worked on separating them from me and my demands and my wishes and my dreams.
As I separated myself from my mother I then could allow my children to be separate from me.
Mothering is to nurture and to love and respect WHO they are and not hijack their lives to become arm candy and self-esteem boosters.
My children were an extension of me, not individuals.
The more I became an individual the more I could allow them to be individuals too.
Motherhood to me now isn’t so scary, for I would now allow them to enter onto this planet as wonderful curious loving souls and let them explore and learn to be who they were meant to be.
My children experienced two kinds of mothers within one woman; the changes in our home are extreme.
My rages and violent screaming rampages have disappeared and in its place a woman who seeks to find a peaceful solution, a way to co-habitat that honors all who live here.
Motherhood is only as happy as our childhood…the legacy will repeat itself unless and until you break the chain.
I M Perfect lady 