I M Perfect lady

Tag: healthy

  • Our Own Worst Enemy

    I heard Self Confidence described in a way I hadn't thought of it before…I believe we have an overall meaning, but not how it is derived.  What I didn't know is that our sense of self confidence comes from our inner dialogue and promises…the ones we don't keep, are actually lies to our selves.  The more we lie, the less confidence we have in our self.

    Bob Greene and Oprah were talking about starting to make healthy changes in your lifestyle, and how we tell our selves, "Monday, I will start working out…" or "Next month, I will stop eating sweets".  The damage comes when we tell ourselves these lies, for Monday rolls around and we don't do as we said.

    It is in the follow through, or the lack thereof, that our confidence in our self begins to diminish.  The more we say we are going to start and the more often we don't, we see our selves as a liar…and just as friends who fail to follow through, we  lose our ability to trust our self.

    I hadn't considered all the times I toyed with the idea of 'starting' something and didn't that I was setting a precedence inside of me to lie.  Not only lie, but then not get upset about it.  

    It is like I was okay with lying and then even more okay at being lied to…by me.  I would never do to others what I have done over and over to myself.

    And more importantly, no one that I have respect for has ever lied to me as much as I have lied to myself.

    Somehow I discount the lies I tell myself and even have become numb or deaf to the words uttered, the promises, or plans spoken, either out loud or in my head. 

    What I know is that I would never talk that way to others, nor would I tolerate this behavior from others…yet when it is between me and me, there are no boundaries.

    Even doing the Yoga Challenge, it was helpful to have told other people, so that my word wasn't just between me and me.   Like I intuitively knew, that words to just myself were not enough.  

    Now I am debating how to create a healthy food plan, and have been off of sweets now for three days.  Yet, I haven't declared this out loud or even to myself.  There is a fear there in stating something I may not be able to suceed in.  Perhaps there is a part of me that is tired of lying inside of me.

    Just as I want to do a yoga challenge, but feel that I am not ready to commit for 60 days, and yet without a challenge, I do very little yoga.

    I am at a place of not wanting false promises, but not able to commit…perhaps in this space I can't fail, for I don't even try…but I don't lie.

    I just found this so interesting…I want to nurture a friendship with myself that is free of lies and false promises, one that I can respect and honor.

    I just didn't know my friendship with myself wasn't one that I would allow from others.  And this one lives inside and directs my life…stops starting to begin a new change that will have so many rewards.  

    Even in that alone is interesting.  How I stop myself from changing out of bad habits.  We certainly are our own worst enemy.

     

     

     

  • Where we lead…

    In the past two and a half months, my yoga practice has been very spotty, it has boiled down to two times a week, and I am now understanding the sentiment of caring for your self or more importantly what it feels like again, to not care.

    Without care or interest, to be indifferent to the bodies needs. To feel myself almost going to sleep or in a daze and be too tired to begin.

    What we fail to notice is that when we are too tired to do something, we are actually playing to indifference; we are feeding the lack of care.

    It finally came to me what I have been doing, I have been leaving myself alone.

    Leaving the care of my body, walking away from what it needs and just sitting down.

    I could feel the waves of indifference, what I used to call being lazy, with no umph is actually the expression of indifference.

    You become indifferent to what it needs for its optimum health.

    What I find so intriguing is that when my daughter’s abuse came in and I experienced posttraumatic symptoms, I left my self-care.

    It is strange that when our body needs us the most we are the farthest away.
    It wasn’t that I was disconnected from the stress and wasn’t dealing with life, but what I failed to do was treat my body, to care for its needs.

    As I did yoga yesterday I was surprised that my body still remembered the poses, that it did it’s best with stiff and sore muscles, and that it tried to keep up to what I was asking of it, and I felt its struggle for it wasn’t used to this routine.

    The body’s forgiveness is pure nature; it simply follows where we lead.

    (What I know for sure today, is that by not doing yoga I am feeding indifference. So when I sit and feel unable to get up and do my yoga, I know to whom I am dancing with, what music I am hearing, I am hearing the beating of the drum being led away from me.)

  • Our Door in the Future…

    I believe the future is only the past again, entered through another gate. ~ Arthur Wing Pinero

    I read this quote a few times and now I believe I understand it, that our karma or our lessons continue until we change how we greet them, they enter back into our lives perhaps in another body or similar relationship.

    Is it possible that how we act today will bring to us this in another gate?

    That if we act in love and awareness, we will greet love and awareness in our future?

    What we sow we reap.

    When we allow others to mistreat us, we will get more folks who want to mistreat.

    It seems the wonderful Universe gives back to us that which we sow without fail.

    The old saying, “God helps those who help themselves…” He waits for us to help ourselves.

    Many will beseech God to help them, to fix them, to do this and that for them, while they are the ones who hold the power.

    I was waiting for people to learn how to treat me better when it was I who had to learn this lesson. And in another gate flowed volumes of folks to teach me how to treat me better.

    They were not different folks, but the same ones coming in as they usually did and it was up to me to stand up and put a stop to the way they were treating me.

    I had to stop using myself to please them.

    I had to start using myself to please me.

    Most of who entered into my gate of now were surprised at this new response, this new me, this new voice and most turned around and left no longer interested in playing this new game with me.

    The new game of fair trade, this equal partnership or freedom to be a sovereign nation co-existing with them, where the boundaries don’t overlap, where we are not holding each other up, but rather supporting each other to be one strong individual unit, was not a game for co-dependents.

    What we do, what we say, how we treat ourselves today will come a knocking on our door in the future.

  • Healing Won.

    I dropped the letter in the outgoing mail; it sat in the box for a few hours, with me working nearby.

    Every now and then, I wondered if I should take it back; pull it out and retreat back to silence.

    When the time approached for the first mail truck heading south, my confidence waned, my insecurities arose, at times it was like holding a yoga pose to not walk a few steps and take it back.

    It is amazing to be nervously anxious and brave in the same breath.

    In the outgoing mailbox lay my restraining letter to my mother; it’s bold statements clear and concise, there is no mistaking or misreading its intent.

    I recalled a few of the lines in my one page letter.

    “It is not healthy for me to be around you.”

    “My silence is the kindest thing I can give you.”

    “I need you to honor and respect the silence and space I need to heal and be whole.”

    “If you fail to honor our separation as it is, you are deliberately seeking to disrespect and hurt me; I will take it as such.”

    The letter was easy to write, harder to send, and leaves my emotions scared inside, even though I mean every word, it just seems too harsh to send.

    There is a part of me that is still loyal to the mother/daughter relationship that has long ago dissolved, a part that feels it just isn’t right to actually send. It is okay to feel these things, but it is certainly not right to speak to your elders this way.

    A part of me feels there will be dire consequences for my words, punishment for being so ballsy for speaking to a mother this way.

    Yet on the other hand the feelings of self-empowerment and self-love are being flooded with strength as I did what no daughter wants to do.

    Restrain her self from having a relationship with her mother.

    How unnatural to leave a mother and to set up firm boundaries that lock you out, cutting the ties that sever the lines of communication.

    Becoming an orphan on purpose.

    What I failed to notice is that it is me that was restraining me.

    Restraining me from leaving.

    Restraining me from staying.

    Inside is the battle of the dysfunctional daughter and the healing one; how grateful am I healing won.

  • Natural part of being me.

    Day 38 of yoga is done, and it feels more doable now that I have grown some new muscles, which actually make it harder for I can go deeper and stand longer, but compared to being weak and unbalanced, trying to do a pose, this is much more satisfying to do.

     

    If you just look at the physical changes to my body, it is remarkable that 90 minutes a day for 38 days actually produced stronger muscles and better balance.

     

    As for the inner changes, they are subtle but felt within.

     

    The absence of the nagging lady whining about my laziness and me has disappeared.  I feel better about my efforts to be present with this body.

     

    Looking backwards I can honestly say there is not one thing that is bad about doing yoga each day.  Sure the effort it takes to get up and out of bed is probably the hardest, but if you just roll out, the rest falls into place.

     

    I wonder if this can be part of my normal life, that it become a new normal routine, like drinking coffee and a sweet treat used to be.  How fruit, yogurt, cereal and tea are my new normal breakfast. 

     

    In the future will yoga be natural too, a natural part of being me.