I M Perfect lady

Tag: hope

  • That Kind are not Family.

    I heard the Oprah show on the radio about the twin girls that were abused for years by their brothers and father, whose mother knew but did nothing.

    At the end of the show Oprah gives them a few words of wisdom, one about forgiveness and the other about not letting their spirits be killed by what their brothers and father did to them.

    She said her definition of forgiveness is,

    “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past would have been any different.”

    She told them to let go of the hope for a different kind of father.
    Let go of the hope for different kind of brothers.
    Let go of the hope for a different kind of mother.

    Letting go of the hope a Different Kind…you have to then accept the kind you have.

    In my case, I had to accept a raping kind of father and a mother who also knew, but did nothing.

    We did not get the loving kind or the supportive protective kind, we got the abusive kind.

    Secondly, Oprah said, “I want you to not let the spirit be killed by what your brother and father did, to not let the spirit die.

    The toughest part is really feeling that the hope is gone for a different kind of father/mother/siblings, but at that point when you lost all, you are then left with a part of yourself that is beyond all that, your spirit.

    It seemed to me, in the darkest moment of seeing the kind of family I had, I was then able to see a small seed that wasn’t going to be defined by what they did to me, it was a part of me that separated from them.

    I then set to work on redefining me and reworking the parts of me that were confused and mixed up due to abuse.

    I had to learn how to love, to trust and to find faith within myself.

    I had to reestablish what I felt were my boundaries since I was raised in a home without boundaries, in an unsafe place, where a father can rape a child and the mother remains married to him, forgiving his ‘sins’, Sins that hurt me.

    If these twins can find the strength to fully accept that the kind of parents and siblings they have, they can then begin to make choices that will not include abuse.

    If you don’t see the monsters you will continue to have ‘father/brother’ like relationships with a men who rape you.

    The greatest work that needs to happen is that you have to pick only one. A father OR a Monster, you can’t have both.

    And at that time you will also pick which one you will be.
    A daughter who allows this behavior or one who will save her spirit and walk away free.

    Also at the end of the show, Oprah said that 99% of abuse is from family members or someone we know, and we have to be willing to put fathers, brothers, uncles and friends in jail. And this is huge. This is key, this is very had for most to do, which is why mothers don’t see and sisters don’t tell etc, no one wants to put family in jail, families that rape and abuse children! Families of that kind are not family!

  • Indifferent to Love.

    “The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you're the easiest person to fool.”         

        Richard Feynman

     

    It is amazing to me how a fool will take my place, how the mental lady slips into my awareness and shields me from the truth and unbeknownst to me, a different view of reality is transposed upon a kind world.

     

    This happens when I am wide-awake, it happens slyly as I bend back into an old relationship, I revert back to my old persona and with it comes tricky glasses and my awareness turns the opposites into truths.

     

    I am the fool and the fooled, which seems the weirdest of all circus tricks!

     

    What is even weirder is that I believe the foolish tricks and lose sight and faith in reality, while focused on the trick being played out in front.

     

    The trick feeds upon my fears, each lending themselves to each other in a whirlwind or a cyclone spinning madness upon my reality, neither stops to see if there is evidence to the contrary in reality, just whirling around false truths and replacing good with bad and bad with good, like flipping a switch, my whole world becomes hostile and I am immediately tossed the coat of armor to stand in defense.

     

    My enemies are those that love me, my friends those who are indifferent, flopped upside down again, I am mad.

     

    Not mad in anger, but a mad woman who focuses her energies to change what is; breaking reality once again, by not seeing the truth as it lays naked.

     

    This mad woman doesn’t accept what is but stands with potential of change.  She believes in potential of change, not in what is right in front of her.

     

    How would you hold on to the potential for change?  Does potential for change have roots?  How does one know the direction potential of change is heading?  Is that a spot to sit upon?

     

    If I sat in the spot of “potential to change” what am I doing at that moment?  Am I moving or acting in reality, or am I just simply evading change.

     

    This land ‘potential for change’ is where I stored my whole family (childhood family).  And in doing so it spared me from feeling reality.

     

    If there is potential for change, there is hope.

    And where there is hope, reality slips away.

     

    (I had to go back to an old post to grab this quote that I loved, and I still do.)

     

    “If you give up hope, you will likely find your life is infinitely richer.  Here’s why:  When you live in hope, it’s usually because you’re avoiding reality.”  Gay Hendricks

     

    I was avoiding the finality of indifference. 

     

    While I was hoping their indifference would change, I was indifferent to the love at hand.

     

    In my reality my home has love where indifference once stood. 

     

    When mad, I am indifferent to love.

     

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  • Hopeless in Reality!

    “If you give up hope, you will likely find your life is infinitely richer.  Here’s why:  When you live in hope, it’s usually because you’re avoiding reality.”  Gay Hendricks

     

    I love this, for that is exactly right.  If you sit in hope you miss reality.

     

    He gave an example. “If you hope your partner will stop drinking, aren’t you really afraid he or she won’t?  Aren’t you really afraid to take decisive action to change the situation? If you keep hoping the drinking will stop, you get to avoid the truly hard work of actually handling the situation effectively.  Hope becomes a drug or soporific to get you through the pain a little longer.  Like all drugs, it comes with side affects.  One main side affect is that you become a little numb, a little less alive.  Hoping a situation will change keeps you at a distant from your true feelings- sadness, anger, fear.  Each of these feelings is best appreciated up close. Feel them deeply, and they will cease to bother you.  Hope they’ll go away, and they’ll bother you all day.”  Gay Hendricks

     

    I just never sat and put my thoughts on what the application of hope did to my now-a-day world, how it actually puts a blanket over the top of reality, and allows you not to feel what it is you feel, and its purpose is to avoid reality.  That is amazing.

     

    Hope is a drug. That is astonishing and that there are hope addicts out there living in non-reality!

     

    Isn’t that the purpose of most drugs, to remove your mind from the stresses of what is right in front of you, to not allow you to feel that which you are feeling, taking you out of your reality?

     

    Hope is a drug, who would have thought.

     

    What an insidiously common addiction.

     

    Using the word Hope is like taking a drug to get us out of our present situation, what ever that may be, leaving you powerless,.  

     

    I am awestruck by the enormity of its usage, how common and in plain view this drug is used. 

     

    There is no way most people believe that the word hope is a bad thing, it is used and tossed about like it is pure and uplifting! 

     

    I guess the best state to be in is hopeless!

     

     

  • Manifesting Hope.

    In Martha Beck’s book “Leaving the Saints,” she wrote she read somewhere that,

     

    “Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having a different past”

     

    And there is a freedom that comes when you realize that all hope is gone, when you are standing on the edge where the past is glaring at you in all its horrible honesty, and where the mind can no longer build dreams of past memories to sing a different tune.

     

    When the tune comes out the same no matter how you spin it, turn it, twist it, there is only one sad song and there is no hope of making it sound different than what it is.

     

    While it seems to put you in a hopeless state, that state of hopelessness is actually a good thing.  From there you have not thing left to lose.  It is over and done with and it requires nothing from you.  It is not a place to put your hope.

     

    Looking for a different past is just not possible. 

     

    It is hope less. 

     

    I had to go and look up that word.

     

    1. Having no hope; despairing. See Synonyms at despondent. 2. Offering no hope; bleak. 3. Incurable. 4. Having no possibility of solution; impossible.

     

    That meaning sounds so hopeless if you are in the state of hopelessness, it sounds downright depressing, wow. 

     

    So I had to look up the word hope. 

    Hope – to want or expect something: to have a wish to get or do something or for something to happen or be true.

    – confident desire: a feeling that something desirable is likely to happen

    – likelihood of success: a chance that something desirable will happen or be possible

     

    I wonder if you can get left in a spot where  you are hopeful of changing a hopeless past?  Where you use your hope wrong in a place where hope is use less.  It seems like people need to be taught where to use hope.

     

    I did not put my hope into the past changing, nor did I put my hope in even them changing, I only put my hope in that I could change.

     

    My hope was to change so the past is not repeated.

     

    All I had inside of me was hope, just hope.

     

    I took all my hope from the past and placed it in an unknown future.

     

    I stood behind hope and began walking a different walk, singing a different tune, and walking away from hopeless, while feeling the pull of hopeless I resolutely walked on.

     

    It literally seemed to always come down to two choices.

     

    In each choice I always picked hope.  I followed hope.

     

    I didn’t know where I was going, what I would look like when I got there or even if I would know it, but I followed hope.

     

    I blindly followed hope.

     

    I recall walking one day along the river sobbing, huge gulps of sorrow and my custom was to allow sorrow to walk with me in one direction, but when I turned around to head home I had to be possitive.

     

    This particular day, it was cold, very cold, clear and bright, snow crystals decorated all the trees along the river, the river itself a ribbon of sheer white, the sky the deepest blue and the sun shining bright lighting up everything in diamonds, and I said to my self, “I will go forth with love, joy and peace.”

     

    Love, Joy and Peace was the place I was headed.

     

    It seemed near impossible to comprehend a day where the sorrow would receed like a bad tide, but within me I placed all my hopes that eventually the tears would stop, that I would come to an end of painful things to look at, that all the years of blindly living, its karma would finally run out.

     

    Looking at this today, I can see that  I walked with hopelessness, despair and anguish in one direction, feeling my past, going into the emotions and feelings of abuse and when I turned around I was carried by Hope.

     

    I had to go and look up hopeful too.

     

    Having or manifesting hope. 2. Inspiring hope; promising. n. A person who aspires to success or who shows promise of succeeding.

     

    My walk back home was manifesting hope.

     

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