I M Perfect lady

Tag: irresponsible

  • Nothing Can Sway Them…

    Today as I rode along in the mail jeep, I listened to "Sway" The Irresistible Pull of Irrational Behavior…by Ori Brafman.

    A very interesting look at what is behind the irrational behavior. 

    In the beginning of the book, he speaks of two very compelling reasons why people don't change their minds or the direction of their lives.  

    One is the "Aversion to Loss"…where they will hold on to a sinking ship, rather than lose it.  It isn't even about what they are holding on to, it is that they just are simply repulsed by the thought of Loss. They live life from the NOT losing perspective and fail to see life from a view point of gaining something new. They literally are not even able to see a new way, for their sole focus is on NOT LOSING what they have.  This one factor will lead to all kinds of irrational behavior.

    Now couple it with an added vice, "commitment"…and you have the makings of insane behavior. 

    They made a commitment and that commitment overshadows any facts that fly in the face of that.  Their commitment binds the NOT Losing sentiment into a circle that they can't escape from.  No rational directives can penetrate the tightly woven Beliefs they hold.

    I highly recommend reading this book, if you have irrational folks in your world and you simply can't figure them out.  The experiments alone are very interesting to see how the human rationality works.

    What this has helped me see is that if your mind set is on NOT LOSING, you will not be able to see a new way.  For you are holding tight to the thought that you can't lose what you have…it isn't what you have, but losing.

    This of course brings me to my siblings and how they don't want to lose the family and even how they are committed to the roles of brother/sister/son/daughter, they acted irrationally from my point of view, because they couldn't lose.

    Loss becomes the larger meaning…than what you holding on to.

    This is why I couldn't understand why they were so dead set against letting go…they didn't want to lose…and their commitment to that family stood higher than the family they were committed to.

    I don't know if I can adequately explain this, but if you read the book, you will see how we give up being rational in irrational ways due to holding on to a secondary meaning.

    Oh, and there is one about "Value"…where if your first impression is that person or thing is valuable, you will not change your mind easily…and in fact, you will disregard information that tries to lessen the value.

    The first impression of valuable stands against all facts to the contrary.

    These three different examples dove tail in nicely to abuse and it explains how folks refuse to budge in a new direction.

    Lots of the abuse is happening in families whose 'reputations' proceed them, and it is extremely difficult to change the minds from the first impression of valuable…our minds can't be swayed.

    It works in the opposite direction too.  If you are labeled as less or worthless, you can't get people to believe otherwise. And it even works if people label you worthless, you begin to believe them EVEN if you have facts that dispute it.

    We simply can't be swayed by facts, for in front of the facts, stands our first impressions…or fears of loss…or our ironclad promise of commitment.

    Losing family….failing to honor your commitment to the family and changing your Values of them stand in the way of navigating rationally in the face of abuse.

    In my experience, this explains the behaviors of my family…they are a strong bunch; nothing can sway them.

     

  • Shoes Custom Made For Me.

    This morning I awoke from another dream, a dream where I left two young children alone, sleeping, and I was at a lake enjoying the water, the air, the sunshine, and when I realized what I had done, I began going back to help them.

     

    In the dream, it takes a really really long time and the whole while I am worried about what trouble they have gotten into, if they are safe, could I be lucky enough to get there in time, and how did I forget and how could I be so irresponsible, who will know, will I be in trouble, berating myself for not doing better, and in sheer panic will they be lost.

     

    Now, just like the ‘Affair’ dreams, these child dreams pop up often a couple of times a week.

     

    Different scenario, but same theme; children and me being irresponsible leaving them in a precarious state or children out of control and me being responsible, either way I am losing.

     

    I wondered why I was dreaming so much about young children, little kids that couldn’t take care of themselves, needy children, really needy children and their parents would be off to the side oblivious.  Or I would find myself babysitting way too many kids and not know how that happened, the dream just starts with me in charge of way too many little kids, so many I can’t keep track.

     

    The feelings of these dreams are what strike me; how they depict feelings I had when I was such a young girl, feelings of being in control but irresponsible or responsible and not in control.

     

    No matter which way you look at it, it was never right.

     

    Saying it was never right, is right.  I was too young to be expected to be responsible for the things I was left being responsible for.

     

    It is the feelings that are trying to be expressed.  In my dreams I am expressing my lacks, my efforts up against the odds that were stacked high against me, the moments of being free, to only realize I was left in charge and I left, which plummets me into panic.

     

    My mother used to say I was a second mother, which maybe I was, but what I really was was a little girl who couldn’t be a mother.

     

    I was too little to be doing what I was asked to do, for I was still a little girl, one who had to put aside little girl dreams, little girl play, little girl life, and try flopping around in mother shoes.

     

    The mother shoes were too big, held too much responsibility and no matter how hard I tried, I never was able to pull it off.  I failed at being a mother, and while trying so hard to mother, my little girl life slipped away.

     

    This is the catch 22 that I have lived. Not a mother and not a child, sitting in the nowhere land between.

     

    Expressing myself in my dreams, recognizing the awful place I stood upon in my childhood, I don’t believe at the time, while resentful sure, I still didn’t fully comprehend the states I was left in, the age of myself and the ages of the children around me, and the absence of the mother.

     

    In the years I should have been a carefree child, I was burdened with a heavy load, add to that load the horrendous incest from my father, it is no wonder I didn’t skip along in patent leather shoes.

    My childhood shoes and the feelings attached to them are the strings that are being undone.

     

    I feel like now I can take off those floppy ill-fitting mother shoes, and find a pair that suits me.

     

    The little girl shoes will no longer fit, the time has passed for those, you really can’t go back.

     

    It is time for me to find my own pair of shoes, ones that are perfect for me, ones that will fit my age, my soul and my journey, shoes custom made for me!

     

     

  • It Best Not Be Me!

    I am irresponsible with my Light, with my self, with my body, with all the giggles, delight and pleasures, inspiration, free spirit feelings, art, my peace, my joy and my love, I leave them to suffer with others!

     

    I am irresponsible in not wholly feeling, owning, and enjoying with abandon, me.

     

    “Enjoying with abandon” strikes me as an odd choice of words that came out.

     

    I literally do feel that I abandon ‘someone’ if I simply and totally enjoy myself!  That it is wrong to focus on just me.  Just me

     

    Living my life separate and free. 

     

    How is it that I feel so much like I am abandoning others when I do this?

     

    The feeling of doing wrong while doing right has plagued me since I left my dysfunctional family.  It is the thread that has run through every thing.

     

    The abandoning I am doing is actually a good thing; I am separating myself, my life from themselves and their lives. 

    No one tells you that as you walk out of co-dependent behavior YOU will feel like you are abandoning him or her. 

     

    Abandoning, I had to go look up the definition.

     

    1.    leave somebody behind: to leave somebody or something behind for others to look after, especially somebody or something meant to be a personal responsibility

    2.    leave place because of danger: to leave a place or vehicle, especially for reasons of safety and without intending to return soon

    3.    renounce something: to renounce or reject something previously done or used

    Synonyms: dump, ditch, discard, dispose of, throw out, throw away

     

    The only reason I can feel like I am abandoning others is that I feel responsible for others.

     

    You simply can’t abandon something you are not responsible for!

     

    Yet each time I am sucked into feeling responsible for another’s feelings, I am abandoning my own feelings.

     

    If I have to abandon someone, it best not be me!

     

    “If I pick you up, I put me down!”

        Carl and Beth