I M Perfect lady

Tag: joy

  • A Different Intention

    When you look at life from the soul's perspective and from its Karmic path, you will see the perfection in all things.  Each action will get an opposite and equal reaction, have no fear.

    As the Justice System appears to fail, the Universal system is running perfectly behind it.  Even if you are unaware and not interested in the talk of karma and the dynamics of physics, it still operates without a hitch.  I love that it doesn't need your understanding in order to flow.

    In religion there seems to be the assumption, that we have to know and practice in order to be in a relationship with God, when in fact it is impossible not to be.

    Your life, your choices, your awareness, are all speaking to God.  

    In fact there is not a moment you are not.  Nothing is hidden, nothing goes unseen or felt, it is all recorded, but not in a way to punish, but to give you all that you are asking for with your intentions.

    What you intend, you shall have…what you have done, will be returned to you in kind…complete with the exact feelings you have handed out.

    The wheel of cause and effect is turned by you.

    There is no special prayer to be sent to this Universal system, where you will be spared the just return…once you set an action in motion, it is already on its return trip back to you.

    I had to look up the word intention, so I was clear of it proper meaning.

    "A course of action that one intends to follow.  An aim or plan, a purpose. The state of one's mind at the time one carries out an action."

    The state of one's mind…for some reason, I believed intentions to be more about feelings. But I guess, intentions are more about the mind…or a Knowing.

    This makes sense in my experience, for when I had a confused mind, I was sending out confusing messages to the Universe. 

    My mind's definition were wrong, so the Universe could only send back what I had asked for.  

    It didn't know that I didn't know, and gave me exactly what I intended…it cared not, whether I knew what I was asking for or not.

    If I asked for love, and my definition of love was to lose myself in order to please others, I received others to please and not see me.

    I steered clear of people seeing me, for that meant "not Love".

    Not seeing equals love…so blind folks arrived by the bushel.

    You can pray until your blue in the face to the Universe to send you a warm and loving kind of love, which I sought, I just didn't know that my mind had a huge virus and was flipped around.  The Universe wasn't getting it wrong, I was.

    I had to fix my inner Knowing and definitions and send out a different intention…

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • The Spirit of Joy

    As I lay in bed last night a few of the comments about the new Mitten Tree quilt passed through my mind as well as one comment made on my first one (mitten quilt)….and there really is a difference in energy between the two.

    The first one, was created a year ago, (December 16th post on Blog) and I didn't know the actual meaning of this quilt…until perhaps this one, and it shows a totally different feeling

    A year ago, during a conversation about The Storyline, I asked myself who in my ancestry had an impact on me….It was the Aunt who I didn't know,but who like I ran away from her family…Was she like me who had to leave the abuse to save herself?

    And that quilt showed the sorrow or grief of approaching the mitten tree of misfits, reluctantly…the pain of having to make a new life, a new family, a new place to fit in.

    The juxtaposition in the energies of the two quilts is remarkable…the reverence I felt in the first and then the spirit of bold freedom or lightheartedness in the second.

    This new Mitten Tree quilt has the energy of youth.

    IMG_6887

    With a spring in her step she knows where she belongs…

    It is like the first quilt was the old me approaching the tree and this one is my young inner self…

    Wow….nice to see the difference of energy, of regaining the spirit of joy.

  • Blanket of White Light

    I just awoke from a dream in which I was conversing with my mother, part of the dream she was there, the other she was on the phone, it vacillated back and forth.

    There was a lot of over talking where our loud voices drowned out the other; it portrayed pretty accurately how my feelings would react to her words and sentiments.

    What I feel the most is being washed over by her needs, like a heavy pull into her very twisted life, or being sucked into a vortex, while what I need the most was the serene peace away from her.

    Yesterday I heard about twenty minutes of an interview that Oprah had with a child suffering from being too sensitive to negative energies, and how he stated that he has to steer clear of negative people or their energies will invade his life and overtake his calm peace.

    He profoundly spoke of using White Light to surround himself and how this keeps the negative energies away.

    (I just went to http://www.oprah.com and watched him talking to Oprah about negative energies and White Light…it is at towards the ending of the write up and you can actually watch him.)

    His simple description of wrapping himself in White Light prevents him from being spun out of control by negative people and things, equals my backing up from many in my family. Once you know where the drains are we need to steer clear.

    What he also stated is that negative energies feed off of the calm energies…. When you put this into practical practice, you can see how pedophiles feed off little girls, and it changes them once the negative energies are allowed in, it alters their balance inside.

    It is clear to me the visual of dark energies and how if you are not aware, will be sucked into them and their world, how you will serve them and leave your calm peaceful self behind. As a child you are unaware of what even happened, and sadly in the case of the monster in the home, you can’t escape the negativity, you are saturated in it.

    This also seems to explain even my daughter, how her good energy was slurped up by his negative life situation eventually darkening her, changing her brightness, and dimming her.

    The little boy speaks of doing the White Light by saying and knowing he is calm, love, awesome, cool, wise etc.

    This is how we overpower the negative, by knowing who we are.

    In his case he is overly sensitive to anyone who is carrying negative energies, and that even in his home, his parents have to try and be peace, love and joy, for if they are worry, fretting and anxious, he feels that and responds.

    This brilliant example shows how our energies affect others.

    How I had to back up from my original family to maintain my inner peace, love and joy.

    And oddly enough it also shows me that my husband is right on track, when he said that our home had to be the safe haven for my daughter.

    My greatest feat in all of this, was to continually push away the thoughts and fears, and settle instead of keeping it a normal peaceful place to be and for me to match that peace as well.

    Our home had to be a White Light zone.

    My dream of the vortex of negative energy and how it wants to dance with my peace by washing over me and leaving nothing but a shell remaining.

    Unless I speak up, saying loudly and clearly, I know who you are what you want and I refuse you entrance in my world.

    My intent 6 long years ago was to go forth with Love, Peace and Joy, what I didn’t know then was that I was hooking my wagon to White Light.

    All my choices from that day forward had to match peace, love and joy inside. If I didn’t feel at peace I didn’t make that choice, be it mother, father, sister or brother, I let them all go for my peace.

    Now I know I was choosing to wrap myself in a blanket of White Light.

  • Without Conditions.

    My daughter asked me to clarify, that the abuse I speak of is not sexual, it is not rape, it is not fondling, it is I guess a light form of abuse, it is cheating.

    There has been no physical abuse to her body.

    While this may satisfy those who view abuse to be only sexual or physical in any manner, there is another level or spectrum of abuse.

    The psychic damage that lies beneath what the naked eye can see, its affects can only be seen by the actions of the body.

    Where it moves and how it acts, whether it has radar for when it either abuses or is abused.

    The damage psyche has a hard time discerning what is abuse and what is love, it has been led slowly and over time to shut down the body and its signals.

    It is running amuck and out of control, it is doing things that someone in their ‘right mind’ would not do.

    This psychic blindness to morals and values doesn’t happen overnight, it is a process, a slow and laborious time consuming process, it happens with saturation of crafty words, pretty messages, long winded conversations, a preaching of sorts.

    My daughter’s cell phone has recorded this outpouring of emotional cheating.

    Near 5,000 minutes in one month of talking…at least this is what our current bill shows.

    Plus another 3,000 text messages.

    Now, I will agree that there are a few sprinkled odd calls, but the most favored number appears over and over and over like a broken recorded, beating and beating, and beating, and beating…

    Some will say, I am over reacting, blowing it out of proportion that I have lost my mind or it is proof that I am certifiably nuts.

    But, I stand as I have stood and say, this MARRIED man, has taken advantage of his babysitter, he is abusing not only his wife, his children and my daughter, but he has changed the peace within our home.

    Some say, she too owns her part. I will agree. I now hold her responsible for the way this continues, how the road twists and turns, what bumps we will take, how this cheating dance that I have blown out of proportion will affect my happy home.

    It seems that my daughter and I are standing face to face, she has to lose what she loves or I have to lose what I love.

    She is standing in a spot that is very difficult to maneuver out of. You will lose something, you just have to decide what.

    She has to see where the biggest part of her self is.

    She has to feel down deeply and act accordingly.

    I have to honor her choice.

    I have had lots more practice losing.

    I told my husband, I have lost so much there isn’t much of my heart left to break, that he with his big as a house heart may have bear the brunt of it, hold me up, hold her up and carry us forward.

    It is out of my hands, has been out of my hands, it is out of my control, all I can do is allow the Universe to turn the corner, to take the next step and follow where it leads.

    If my lesson is total and unconditional love for her, she has it.

    I will love her no matter what.

    I will love and understand that she is doing what it is she is meant to do.

    I will not kick her when she is down.

    I love the confused girl, the almost woman, and the innocence she once was, there is no part of her I don’t love.

    I love now without conditions.

  • Almost Ruined Christmas

    This Christmas finds me in a different spot, a place of being too tired to care about Christmas, where joy and love and peace would be found not having Christmas.

    It isn’t so much Christmas itself, but that I am the one to create the Christmas feeling and I am too tired to be of good cheer.

    It is like Santa lost his jolly.

    The desire and spirit within me has faltered along with my lost energy, and I feel the weight of responsibility to carry it all.

    Not sure why, perhaps because in the past I had the time and the know how, I simply did it.

    Now that woman is gone, she went to work.

    She is unavailable to whip up Christmas on the side.

    And I feel the pressure to bake, not the joy.
    I feel forced to do things I used to enjoy.
    It isn’t pleasure now, but added work.

    I found myself unprepared.

    Maybe it is time for traditions to change or be passed on.

    Fighting with, instead of succumbing to, what is.

    Letting go of orchestrating the family Christmas and bringing in new recruits.

    My new santa makers leave everything til the last, for there are still four days, I was told yesterday. I guess in a young person’s eyes, that is a long time.

    I think I will have to re-adjust my way of doing Christmas, it will be more inclusive and I will take a back seat.

    I just can’t lose my spirit for Christmas.

    Instead I will change the traditions, letting many of them go, bring in simpler things that keep the spirit alive.

    After all, a cookie is a cookie, and it is insane to think it will matter if it arrives or not for Christmas.

    So, we will be joyful with whatever we accomplish in the next three days. I must relax and let the it be as it will be.

    It will be much better than having a grumpy lady in our home for Christmas.

    And let me tell you, I was grumpy last night trying to be a Christmas baker after a long heavy day of mail.

    No more.

    We now have some grumpy cookies and if that is all that happens I am fine.

    Much better to be happy than grumpy with the trimmings.

    The trimmings got a hold of me and almost ruined Christmas.

  • Your love inside.

    It came to me while doing yoga, that the only way you can feel sad, hurt, upset is when you lose your power of your love, peace and joy.

    So, you are either living in your love, your peace or your joy….or our sad because you lost your way.

    You forgot to remember that it is your voice that needs to speak up about what you feel, that you are in charge of your feelings.

    When you are feeling sad, hurt, lonely, etc, that means you lost your being in charge button, you silenced your voice, you pretended not to notice your love, peace and joy slipping away.

    I love this.

    I love that feeling sad, hurt, confused are just sign posts letting you know, ooops you lost love, or joy or peace and they are loud shouting voices informing you of such.

    I will now welcome the feelings of sadness, for they are really angels bearing gifts of letting me know I am doing something that leads me away from love, peace and joy.

    Feeling hurt is feeling the absence of your love inside.

  • I feel Solo

    As I look at my self in my life today, I am so much freer than I would have ever dreamed possible.

    While I live in the same house, married to the same man, and still have four children with me, I am no longer chained by their behavior…well okay, I still get stuck for a half hour or so, but I can usually set myself free.

    Dr. Berman spoke of the triangle affect, where relationships get stuck when couples move from one corner to the next exchanging roles and manipulating feelings.

    I lived on that triangle for years and years, and I was the master at being a hero and dabbled in the victim villain roles pretty often as well.

    On the triangle you are never in control of your feelings, somebody owns yours and you own anothers, we forever go around making other people feel and feeling how other people make us…never free to feel by yourself.

    If your not moving feelings around, there is the spot of hero, where you literally take over the responsibility of another’s life, where you come in and save the day, allowing them to miss a lesson to grow and learn by experience.

    This triangle is dysfunction and it leaves you separated from your feelings, where you are forever at the mercy of another.

    My past six years have been unlearning the triangle reflexes of blaming the other, and instead look inside to see where I gave up power.

    Looking for the power leak, where I lost control of my own power.

    Any time I say, “you disappoint me” or “ you make me feel sad” I am back on the triangle as a victim.

    Instead if I say, “I am sad or I am hurt” I am in control of my feelings and I get to explore why.

    What actions did I do to wind up feeling this way?

    What can I do now to make me feel better?

    It leaves the other person out of my feelings; it frees them up to be in charge of their own.

    The co-dependency triangle leaves you so tangled up and out of control, where you never can be assured that your peace, love and joy will stick around, that soon something or somebody will come along and steal it away.

    What I love love love, is that you are the only one who can give that away. It isn’t stolen, you literally hand it over in a victim like drama way with great words and feelings.

    When I learned that my love, my joy and my peace were mine and I had right and obligation to protect them, life was much easier, I walked away from the triangle.

    Standing authentic with your feelings isn’t always easy, but always empowering.

    I no longer disappoint my feelings or cover them up or speak down to them or pretend them to be different than what they are.

    I stand up with them no matter what.

    My feelings empower me.

    The Spirit of me is alive in feelings.

    I am as I feel or I feel as I am.

    I blame no one for how I feel.

    I feel solo.

  • Christmas Joys

    My Christmas’s of old had a huge agenda to fulfill, they had to bring magic and make belief, and they had to make me feel better. It was like waiting for the elixir or medicine bringing love, peace and joy.

    Waiting for a gift that would change my life or a gift from the least likely person, great changes hung in the air.

    The season of Christmas had the power to make right a life that was way off kilter.

    Or the feverish hope that if I could create the perfect Christmas season, life would fall into place.

    Christmas had a sleigh load of expectations, loaded up by me.

    Yesterday, I felt the absence of this manic desire, it seemed that Christmas had lost its fever.

    It was like my life no longer needed this magic, that Christmas or no Christmas I was way okay.

    I am not in the need of gifts that shout, “I love You,” or trees that must hold the joy of the season, or that the stockings are hung, pleading for attention.

    There doesn’t seem to be anything missing in my life that Christmas can fulfill.

    The Christmas tree stands alone in its glory, smelling delicious with ornaments from years long ago, a bright presence of joy, matching joys I have inside.

    Whether I bake Christmas goodies or not, my home will maintain its steady calm atmosphere, relaxed and homey.

    It was shocking and delightful to know that there wasn’t anything we needed to make this season bright.

    The brightness of the season lives here all year long.

    The contrast between the two Christmases is unreal.

    To add Christmas to life that was so upside down is like adding a bow to confusion and expecting it to unravel like magic.

    What a wonderful feeling to have a Christmas without an agenda, to just be with the Christmas joys…

  • “With Love always mom”

    As I began my workday yesterday morning, I am in high spirits using all my efforts to stay positive with the large volume of mail, willing myself not to get weighed down by the load.

    I am happy to start sorting letters, the tray is filled with colorful envelopes, and a gold one sits in front.

    As I pick it up, my eyes focus in on the familiar name, mine, and the handwriting is hers.

    My high spirits escape in one breath.

    The restraining letter meant nothing to her.

    The weight of the mail meant nothing compared to the heavy heart of disappointment.

    She did not honor me.

    I tossed it into my home slot, and continued on for a minute or two, and then the not knowing was too much of a distraction, so I stopped, opened it up and read.

    “Noel” is printed in fancy letters on the front, and inside the card’s message, “Wishing you peace, love and joy this Holiday Season,” and her added line, “With love always, Mom and Gramma.”

    It is ironic that what I need for peace, love and joy is for her to honor me, and yet she stomps down upon the restraining letter I sent and sends her usual card.

    Her love always is one that disregards my needs, my wishes, and me.

    I am not seen at all, as she continues on, her stride unbroken by my restraining letter to her.

    My last written words to her, my first in 6 years, was a plea for space, for her to honor and respect our silence…

    My last line was, “If you fail to honor our separation as it is, you are deliberately seeking to disrespect and hurt me; I will take it as such.”

    Her love comes in with disrespect and hurt.

    I felt it as I stood there in a mountain of mail holding a card that yet again doesn’t see me.

    Feeling abused on the inside, my feelings tore up, I tossed it back in my slot, and tried to gather myself back together to continue on.

    Her failure of honoring my words should not be a surprise, yet I guess I am the ultimate believer.

    Believing that one day she will see me, even as sit behind a wall of restraining words, that she will hear them and see me.

    See me telling her, you hurt and disrespect me.

    My words to her fall upon deaf ears.

    It’s like my needs were never written.

    Like a bad energizer bunny she keeps going and going and going.

    Her blind bullheadedness is abuse.

    She is bullying me.

    With words of love.

    Love that knows no boundaries.

    Love that doesn’t hear.

    Love of a bully.

    A one-sided affair.

    Being bullied by words of peace, love and joy.

    The juxtaposition, a card of noel, a Christmas song…carrying the tune she has always sung.

    Actions of hurt and disrespect signed, “with love always mom.

  • Success

    Life flows with such ease and delight at times, you feel its divine orchestration, where each small detail you didn’t even know you needed is taken care of.

    I have felt this in getting life lessons, where its painfully easing you into awareness, but my day yesterday was the opposite.

    My day off prompted me to ask three friends to share the day with me, which tripled my joy.

    I was chauffeured and entertained with great conversation, and given different viewpoints as our day unfolded.

    We learned we travel well together; we seemingly flow in similar directions yet with different views, enhancing our experiences by adding a new flavor I myself couldn’t have gotten alone.

    Sampling a small Quilt display to browsing Art books in a Library, Lunch, shopping for fabric, chocolates and clothes, each of us arriving and leaving with what we love.

    The energy of the ladies mingled with the energy of what we saw built within me the desire to be better, to expand my quilting techniques, to explore more, play more, enjoy more, be more.
    The day was much more than I dreamed it would be.

    Thanks Ladies for sharing yourselves so abundantly with me.

    With renewed energy, exciting fabric and filled with ideas, I am ready to play in an Artful way. The first road trip a great success….