I M Perfect lady

Tag: legacy

  • Head in the Sand.

    On our travels I seen a tree that was planted upside down, its root system was above ground and it grew leaves. 

     

    It did not grow upward, but rather like an umbrella, its branches/roots hanging downward.

     

    These trees are not a freak of Nature, but rather have been manipulated to grow like this by a human being.  Someone has spliced their root and branch system weaving it together to make it grow this way.

     

    While it appears normal, you can clearly see the roots are growing leaves!

     

    There are striking similarities between this tree and a sexually abused child.

     

    We didn’t start out upside down and backwards, but rather someone came along and manipulated us and from there we grew.

     

    In my family, it is normal to grow this way.  We were born unto parents who were planted upside down, hence it wasn’t long and we all too were manipulated to be the same.

     

    Our family tree is this upside down tree.

     

    I am trying to show upside down people an upside down person, and asking them to see the differences, and they find nothing wrong.

     

    Incredible, for how can they, they match!

     

    They are not seeing anything wrong, anything different, all seems normal.  And it should, for we have never known our parents to be a right side up tree, nor do we remember ourselves any other way!

     

    Picture a forest of upside down trees and I am walking among them trying to tell them they are all wrong.

     

    Its like trying to explain that the roots belong below the earth and the leaves and branches above, while they are growing and appearing normal in this upside down and backward way.

     

    It would be like telling you your head belongs where your feet are and your feet belongs where you head is.

     

    And what seems to be even more incredible in a very sad way is that while they are upside down, they will raise their children the same way.  The legacy will repeat it self.

     

    As my sister sees herself as being vigilant in watching my father, yet she isn’t watching herself.

     

    She isn’t seeing her behavior at all.

     

    How she is allowing her granddaughter access to this man who is the master manipulator to take a right side up tree and flip it, changing it forever.

     

    She doesn’t see that she is bringing him something to manipulate.  He needs a young seedling.

     

    His forest of upside down little girls would stop growing if he had no seedlings to flip.

     

    Just looking at the forest of trees this man has touched, is mind blowing!

     

    If you are one of the flipped trees, you can’t be normal, not while your head is in the sand.

     

     

  • Upon His Knee.

    It would be nice if it were all lies, just a made up story, a figment of my imagination, as an email suggests.

     

    ‘you are FEEDING your anger with LIES. Just to carry on the hated/evil.’

     

    The lie I told was that my mother stayed in the same house as my father while in Texas, I guess I was wrong.  She was in the same neighborhood, just not the same house.

     

    I don’t know if she spent time with him or seen him or anything, all I knew is her destination was the same as his.  Okay, I get it ….  I was wrong.

     

    I was wrong about that.

     

    Yet what they fail to realize is that I am not looking to be fed, nor am I creating lies to fuel an evil to carry it on, the evil is being carried along by them, not me.

     

    The wonderful technology of Facebook reveals to me in pictures that don’t lie.

     

    My father is posing with his granddaughter, grandson and newest little great granddaughter, with captions of ‘grandpa’.

     

    The sender of the email is standing at his side.

     

    What they fail to notice is that THEY are the ones who allow another little girl in his presence.

     

    I am not the one who is allowing this, but the one who is trying to tell them not to trust this old grandpa man.

     

    I sent an email to the lady of the house where my father lives, informing her that I will be contacting the Family Independence Agency in their town letting them know, a child is in danger.

     

    The family can’t see the danger and while they are blind to it, the danger continues on to another generation, the third. 

     

    I thought they knew who they had in their homes, the picture tells me they have no idea.

     

    They think I am the one, who keeps this sordid tale alive, that I am the creator of this sad little tune, but little do they know; they are the ones who sing the chorus line.

     

    They think I drum up new little lies to keep their world a mess, while they are looking at me, HE is looking at his newest littlest victim, waiting for her to ripen to the perfect little age.

     

    My anger, my hate, my evil they believe I carry is the opposite.  I care enough to try and wake them up.

     

    Hate me, be angry with me, and lose your respect for me that is fine, I will do my best to keep his hands off another little girl.

     

    The picture is the picture of denial.

    Denial is seeing a grandpa where a pedophile stands.

     

    He looks the same.

    Harmless.

    Old.

    Familiar.

    Himself.

     

    What I needed the most way back when, was someone to alert the family, someone to protect me from this man.  I can now be that person to the newest little girl to join our family tree.

     

    I will be the one who tries to stop the spread of his disease from touching her.

     

    Perhaps her grandmother will now take heed, pay attention when it is her first grandchild who sits upon HIS knee.

     

  • Fashioner

    In a split second, you can go from being a little girl to being a mom. It happens so fast, I am not sure we even have the time to think about it. It happens to some and I believe others missed the portal. But the portals open up each day and in many situations.

    As life moves along, we can have children, but that doesn’t make us a mom. The saying “anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad”, should also be true of mothers. Moms are not a given.

    Little girls do not grow up dreaming of being a bad mom, especially if they have been victims of one. Yet some how the pattern is laid out we follow almost like robots without a choice. Born into a legacy, we either follow or get out. It is in the little seconds, the little moments that we can correct the legacy. It is little by little we become a mom. And if we string enough of the mom moments together, we become more a mom than a mother.

    It takes time, it takes patience, it takes learning, growing, unlearning, undoing. Taking family traditions that have been handed down generation to generation. We are literally trying to turn lifetimes of patterns and bringing in new at the same time. It is best not to think out long and far and to look too long behind you, but instead just be in this moment, with this choice, with this child, on this day, in this hour, facing this minute.

    You are the Fashioner of a new life pattern.

    In this now moment, give space, stop and see, ask and not react, drop the preconceived ideas of the outcome. And here’s a good one, “think before you speak” or in my case stop before you holler! In each split second, you and you alone get to decide which will I be here, the child or the mom.

    I learned I had all I could handle  was just focusing on being a mom. It was a really hard job. They got to be the kids, and I played the mom. I would speak it out loud. “I am the mom, the consequence person, you be you and I will deal.” I literally had to turn myself into a mom. One choice, one minute at time. And I am still not done. I think it takes a lifetime to become a mom.

    The greatest news is that I stepped out alone, daring to walk out of the legacy and into a new place. Here we are free, no rules, no patterns, free space to be. I love not knowing how to do it right! For if this felt comfortable, I would be back in the legacy of my youth. So the more you need to change, the more uncomfortable you will feel, it is a good thing in a bad way!

    It was like throwing the old mom out, and to be truthful, I hated being her too, and now I get to be a new mom. My oldest daughter has said, “it is like getting a new mom without a divorce” and that is literally the truth.

    Most people try and change the outside to correct the inside. That is like asking the child to make you a better mom, and we do it, over and over again.

    Byron Katie says, “There are only three types of business, yours, mine and Gods. If you are in my business, who is in yours?

    Being in my business is a full time job! One I gladly suffer, for I was out this job for a long long time. I am happy to be employed full time. I am elated to just doing me. That is simply all I am responsible for!

    An imperfect mother now and forever, for my past I cannot change, but my future is mine to design. Oh what shall I be?  The what fills me with potential, with hope, for you see, it wasn't that long ago I had no choice.  I am grateful beyond measure to have walked free, to dream the impossible dream. A mom, a loving mom, can it be?  Oh simply just watch me….piece by piece, inch by inch, and one day we will both be surprised how this ends.  It is up to me, I am the Fashioner of my life.

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