I M Perfect lady

Tag: light

  • Meant to be…

    At Christmas time we send out greetings of Peace, Love and Joy, and yet we fail to send them out to the folks we are estranged from.

    The meaning of estranged is, No longer close or affectionate to someone; alienated and I wondered what I would write to those who I am not close to, but have been.  

    My Estrangement Christmas Letter…

    Since we are no longer close, we no longer communicate and that leaves us in silence.  In that silence and space there seems to be peace; for separation brings us both peace in our lives, for each of us disagree with the way the other is walking. 

    As we both walk separated, we are here for a reason…a season or a lifetime.  I can't know if we will never connect, or have given each other the lesson or message we needed to…or do we come together at another time…and for another reason.

    It seems that if you let someone go and they come back to you, it was meant to be, and if they never do…that too is the way of it.

    We were in each others lives until it was no longer peaceful to be.

    I have no regrets to walking my path, nor in letting you walk yours…holding each other prisoner in a life we don't want would not have made us closer.  There is peace is separation.

    I have learned volumes of lessons in letting go, in giving freedom, and in seeing when I held on too tightly…and smothered life.

    Estrangement actually feels honorable when our ways of living life are different and not closely related; our paths are strange to each other…I would not force you to walk on my path and am thankful you are not asking the same of me.

    I wish you peace as you walk your path and know there is a rhythm and beat to the drum you follow, that only you can hear.  It is your heart and your soul you follow…it leads you.  

    You can make no mistake, for your life is set for you pace, your comfort and you will always know when to move. Always. It is never too late or never not right.  It is always right for you.

    I wish you joy in all things.  Joy at being you.

    I wish you love of self first…for it leads the way.

    And yet, there is an belief that says we do one of four things;

    We come in Light and move toward the Light

    or come in the dark and stay in the dark

    or come in the Light and move towards the dark

    or come in the dark and move towards the Light.

    The latest is me.  I can't know your journey, nor can anyone, but you.  I can only honor what you say and what you do…for you do it for reasons that only you can know.

    Whatever is your journey, I wish you peace, love and joy.

    I thank you for whatever time we spent together, what messages we shared and the lessons we learned.  I know for me, that each person I have been in contact with has walked part of my journey with me.

    You lent a kind word, walked through a particularly dark time, showed me the wrong way, brought me words I didn't want to hear, etc…I couldn't have done it without you.  

    I believe that those I am estranged from are Angels who did what they had to do to make me who I am today.  Even the dark ones, had to walk a particularly hard journey to help me see.  I am in awe of your journey the most.  For it is easy to be a Light walker, and much more difficult to walk the walk of the dark.

    On this Christmas, I wish you peace on your journey…and am grateful for you being part of my journey.  It is with an understanding heart and soul, I know we would be together if it was meant to be…

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     Have Peace this Christmas…

  • Walks with me in the Dark

    While I was away on a long weekend getaway with my husband, a few comments appeared and a few emails, to the last few posts.

    Here is the deal.  I am only writing about my experience with the people of the FALC, certainly it is not all, but all I knew and each who knew acted the same.  It was like a perfect orchestrated synchronized walk.

    They scored a near perfect ten for keeping in line.

    What I write is my experience and the folks I am writing about are all of the same religion.  They are the ones acting weirdly.

    Here is the other thing, I did have friends (outside of the church) who after reading it in the paper did come up and respond completely the opposite. They did not turn away, but came towards me.

    I can’t help if the poorly acting folks, all happen to be of the same faith, but they are.

    And here is another thing, IF what I write fits you, wear it…if not please let it lie. 

    I am only here reporting things as I encountered them along my journey.  I have yet to meet a full fledge First Apostolic Member who reacted like the folks outside of the church.

    The drastic contrast stands alone…and it isn’t that I am just picking on my friends and acquaintances of that church, but they happen to be outstanding in their consistent response.

    Folks who were not from the inside of the church responded in various ways, listening, hugging, crying, talking in depth, sharing their experiences, and a few cards. 

    What I am mostly shocked about and have separated and explored are the reasons why those who knew me from inside the church turned away.

    They knew me since I was little, we had long history, and they too knew my father and his long history, and yet I immediately became a stranger.

    I didn’t expect folks who didn’t know me on the inside of the church to do anything…

    We expect more from the folks who know us, than we expect from strangers no matter what their religion.

    We have a belief somewhere inside of us about the folks we know, that when the shit hits the fan…they will stand with us.  And I am reporting this odd behavior, like birds all swerving in the same direction, without verbal warning, just an instinctive reaction…adversely to a tragedy.

    Okay, yes…the one phone call reminding me to forgive my father, that it was my job, and that the size of the sin should have no bearings on my task at hand…

    So, I am writing about MY experience with Folks I knew who happened to be members of the same religion and how they happened to respond the same way…This is my experience of the FALC. 

    And, if it fits wear it and explain to me why, and if it doesn’t use my experience as a reminder the next time you hear of the same kind of tragedy.

    And know, the more severe the tragedy, the more the need to step up, step in, bring it up, pat their back, give a hug, send a card, make that difficult phone call.  Be a friend in the dark times…

    As you stand back, they walk alone in their darkest days. 

    And you are sending a message as you turn and walk away…

    Silent is a message.

    I heard your silent message loud and clear. 

    You were a fair weather friend, a surface polite kind, a wave in the good times, a social niceties, a loose bond of similarities of faith, but when the chips were down and the lights went out in my world, the familiar hands were gone.

    What this made me do was to reach out into new areas and reach towards to new friends…and it also gave me great insights into friendships, relationships and how you measure friends more fully in the dark than you do in the light days.

    It is easy to be friends with folks in the good times, but I now know my friends by who walks with me in the dark.

     

  • Until she can find her own.

    The hardest part of being a mom is when your child takes an exit that you didn’t see coming and they seem to disappear from the usual landscape and it leaves you separated.

    And I am not even sure what exit she took, where she is or what her intentions are, just that she has left the lane of what was and is now heading down a road that neither of us are familiar with.

    As I continue to travel down my regular road, off to the side is this other lane of unfamiliar nagging at me, this road from my view is full of potholes and hairpin curves with disappearing drop-offs and my daughter seems blind to all its hazards.

    I am not certain if she is at a wayside unsure or if she is going forward with a full head of steam.

    I am not even sure what is making me uneasier, her being on that road or not knowing if she is sitting down in wonder or going further into its complicated bends.

    Our voices have been silenced. But all that seems to be happening now is a silent movie, where the drama continues, but I can’t hear the words.

    The not knowing is far worse, I believe than knowing.

    In the knowing, I know and can deal.

    It is like her life has slipped from my view.

    This almost seems like the far end of a spectrum, one being you are doing too much in a child’s life, overtaking it and this is the complete opposite, where you are completely taken out.

    In the middle of the spectrum are two people who allow the other their lives, we share and explore and understand their individual journeys.

    I am wondering how to hook our roads back up, how to join them together in a way that honors and gives space, in a way that respects our differences, but allows us to trust each other.

    Is there a way two people can be together on two different roads?

    As women we have lots in common and I am sure it is harder when I have more experience and I have been her superior as her mother for all these years, but is there a bridge that we can stand upon and share our views?

    I will have to let go of my fears and my ‘know it all’ attitude and let her show me the landscape of her new world, I will have to be a visitor to a foreign land.

    It truly feels like two distinct worlds.

    Yet I believe and feel that I have traveled the world she is going into, so it isn’t that foreign to me, perhaps it is only new and exciting to her, she is the foreigner not I.

    What is so perplexing is that you never leave reality, this is an inward journey, you are traveling away from your essential self.

    Away from your morals, your values, your worth, your self esteem, your dreams, your passions, your soul. Into a world of secrets, lies and deceit…heading towards a self that is unfamiliar, foreign.

    It is the road to no you.

    You are being lured down this road by a friendly face that is the façade of negative energies, manipulating you with false promises and pretty lies.

    If she were to travel this road alone, He would be her only guide.

    What I want is to walk with the two of them and give the real story, like Paul Harvey’s ‘the rest of the story’.

    Yet he knows and perhaps she knows too, that I will be the story wrecker, I will unveil the pretty lies and unravel the promises and make them as they are empty.

    So what scares me the most is that my familiar voice will be drowned out by his, that she will tune me out and turn a deaf ear to my words and cling to his.

    Her life in its innocence doesn’t have a voice of her own.

    I am sure she feels the pull between him and I, both of us wanting her. And what I want the most is for her to have a separate voice from both of us, but I don’t feel she has one for her self as yet. I see her as a girl who confused and twisted and wants to have love and attention but it comes with such a price tag, her self worth.

    I can almost understand the twist between what he says and how she feels.

    His promise land is a secret place and it can’t reach the light of day.

    In order for her to travel down his road, she lies to me.

    What I want most is for the lies to stop.

    Lies to herself and lies to me, both are taking a toll on her.

    It is so telling to see what lies can do to your spirit, you can literally see her growing darker.

    The truth will set your Spirit free!

    The two roads I see in my minds eye is the road of lies and the road of truth. One road darkens and leads you away from self and the other will support and Lighten who you are.

    You wonder what makes some travel into the darkness and what makes others travel towards the Light. What decides this and can they make a U-Turn?

    I will do as any good mother or women who see another descending into the darkness will do. I will give her my voice until she can find her own.

  • Bathed in the Light.

    “A chick pecks its way out of its eggshell and is born into the world when a toxic gas fills up the interior of the egg. At that point, it is literally dying to be born.
    Is there a toxic situation in your life that it’s time to break free of in order to born to the next level of your existence? Is there a symbolic eggshell surrounding you that is time to peck away at, freeing yourself to live more fully?”
    Marianne Williamson

    I love this question and I love the visual it portrays, how we can literally feel like we are suffocating in life and need to start pecking holes in what we are doing.

    And I love “dying to be born”.

    Most changes, at least life altering changes, require a dying in order for there to be a birth, a letting go in order to grab on to something new, a giving up one way before gaining something new.

    Change is a one two step.

    “You have to be willing to let go of who you are, to become who you want to be.” I can’t remember the author of that quote, but Wayne Dyer uses this often.

    The little chick can’t stay in the egg and be born, she has to be willing to get out of her toxic life in order to thrive.

    And the greatest news is that we will know intuitively when the time has come, when we can no longer remain in a relationship, when its toxic energies simply overwhelm and threaten to kill the essence of who we are IF we are to remain inside the shell of that old relationship.

    Like a very brave little chick, we have to go out into a very big and strange land…leaving behind a relationship we have outgrown.

    As the little chick, once we peck our way free of this toxicity, we are free to live a life we can’t even imagine it can be.

    From a small confined limiting space to the wide-open field of pure potential that Rumi speaks about.

    The visual is striking, a dark small space of an eggshell or the expanse that surrounds it.

    Held in the darkness or bathed in the Light.

  • Brand New

    As I sit here today 52 years on the planet, I see one huge pivotal moment, a second birth, mixed in with little life changing decisions. It is like a before and after life.

    While only one lifetime for me has passed, I feel like I have had two births.

    The first is the arrival on the planet, landing in the home of my parents, being raised by them and their beliefs, ingesting all unquestionably growing into a carbon copy of my mother.

    The carbon copy was torn to shreds when I discovered that beneath the surface of things, our family had a river of abuse running through it.

    My second birth was to find my self standing over her head in a life that she was unaware lived parallel to hers. While drowning in my old life, I gave birth to a new one.

    I was born onto me.

    A big grown lady feeling like a newborn inside, it was like I had arrived on the planet again, but this time with eyes wide open.

    My new discerning eyes, and the astute feelings my body carried, I led me into a new life while completing the old one.

    Sadly or maybe gratefully nothing from my first 46 years survived the transition, my insides were totally transformed.

    What Vaishali writes in “You are What you Love” is that we can live life from the mind or from the Heart.

    My first life was all mind driven, brainwashed and unconsciously walked, like a robot I carefully followed the trail that my mother walked, to a T.

    You can see evidence in all areas of my life, where my mind was the master of me.

    Vaishali writes that the mind keeps repeating itself for us to realize it, to see it, to see our mind working or playing itself out in front of us.

    Self-Realized is to see yourself and who is leading the charge, who has control over your life?

    Mind or Heart?

    While living life purely from the mind for the first 46 years, I was totally disconnected from the heart and feelings that my body felt.

    I lived as a head.

    My thoughts and beliefs led the way, thoughts and beliefs that had been given to me like second, third or forth hand me downs, generations of ladies in my past lived as me.

    To awaken to a life outside of the mind was to literally go out of your mind, a mental breakdown.

    My second birth was to begin living life backwards to unearth all the places where the mind had things incorrect, to discover the truths and expose the lies.

    The life review of sorts was taking place and it birthed the new me.

    Each segment of lies brought forth a new segment of me; an aspect of me was freed from my mind.

    Six years have passed since I went out of my mind and into my heart, six years of living life from the inside out.

    I am so grateful for the opportunity I had to explore the madness of mind, to see the shallowness and the narrow path it leads, its dark hallways of fear and denial, frozen areas of brainwashing.

    What a journey to be wide-awake while totally out of your mind.

    Very frightening at first to see the mad puppeteer, the mind pulling the strings of your life, to see in each relationship and task, my old response, yet so very thrilling to make a new Heart felt response.

    So, while the calendar says that I am 52 today, I am in heart years, only six.

    I feel I have lived more the last six than in the first 46.

    I am living my life, not repeating life as the generations before me.

    I have no clue where I am going, what will be asked, what direction we are leaning towards, for the heart doesn’t repeat itself or re-create the same cycle, the heart life is open, free, expansive, bold, creating, and unknown.

    The good news is that I don’t have to fit into anyone else’s life and their hand me downs, I get to live brand new.

  • Thank you.

    As I sit here on Thanksgiving morning, I look back at this year and find so many moments of gratitude, it seems I had a year full.

    My moments of gratitude are interrupted with moments of sheer pain, frustration, sorrow, confusion and tangled thoughts; it is only when I truly see the whole picture that I am overwhelmed with gratitude, knowing I was spared.

    Spared a lifetime stuck in that thought pattern, or held prisoner by that belief, to be forever at the mercy of another, while never seeing me.

    It isn’t so much that they didn’t see me, but I didn’t see me.

    Seeing and feeling me, learning how to respond that is respectful of me, what honors my soul, bringing forth a new version of me, one that is authentic and uniquely me, one that brings me to life.

    Gratitude of such magnitude, there isn’t a word that adequately expresses this freedom; it is like breathing or not breathing, love or fear, living or being dead in your life.

    To not be dead in my life is beyond what words can hold, to be alive in each moment, aware that I am connected to the Universe, that there are no mistakes, just opportunities to expand further and further, that even the darkest of the darkest moments are bringing me back to myself.

    The Universe only wants the grandest version of me; it doesn’t want a replica of someone else’s dreams.

    This past year I have been shown all the places I was still stuck, lost in the dark, and each time I become aware, I bring peace in to me.

    In peace I am overwhelmed in gratitude.

    I am thankful on this Thanksgiving Day for all the moments of pain, the untangled thoughts, the dark stuck places, and sorrow of what isn’t, for they all came bearing gifts.

    They all delivered a part of me that wasn’t free.

    Hell doesn’t seem like hell when it comes bearing gifts.

    I am grateful for my pain and for my suffering, for it was grieving the loss of me.

    It was telling me where I wasn’t present.

    In the darkness I mourned the loss of me.

    It was in the dark that I found me.

    On this Thanksgiving day, I thank you.

  • Turn My Light Back On.

    While listening to Tyler Perry talk to Oprah about his abuse as a child, he speaks of how when his father beat him, he would escape to a park in his mind, but on one occasion, he recalls the beating was so severe that he was unable to reach the park, and on that day his little boy died.

    The little boy was beat to death, yet he survived.

    I also believe now, that my little girl died when my father raped me, that IT changed who I am.

    And I somehow felt I could retrieve that little girl, the spirit of innocence and trust that I could bring her back into my world, resurrect her to live again.

    How can I do that? How do you take out the abuse that resides in all my cells? How can I change who I am? How can I rewrite history?

    Oprah asked Tyler what he wanted to say to his little boy, which made me wonder what I would say to my little girl.

    My little girl died before she had a chance to live, to be free, to make decisions and choices that were hers alone to make.

    I feel that I can honor her life by living my life with the courage to speak and walk my truth.

    Her courage to endure is now my courage to stand strong, her enduring spirit lies within me.

    The spirit of my little girl walks with me always….

    Its hard to picture such a little girl being raped, her innocence lost, her trust and faith shattered, and how she had to continue on, without the wonderful free spirit, instead a shadow of her self emerged, a frightened, scared, on guard version came forth, the light was diminished from within.

    The death is when the light goes out.

    Molestation steals the light.

    It has taken me a long while groping along in the darkness to find the switch, to turn my light back on.

  • “This Little Light of Mine…”

    Debbie Ford in “The Shadow Affect” is talking about embracing your Light Shadow.

     

    She had gone to see Marianne Williamson speak…

     

    "… as I sat in the audience I was stunned.  I watched as Marianne boldly called people to a higher version of themselves and the world.  I heard her unabashedly implore us to step out of the smallness of your own ego-centered lives and into the grandness of serving as part of a divine mission.  Although I was listening intently to the words she spoke, I was more overcome by her presence.  I left there completely in love with Marianne Williamson.

     

    I returned to my apartment, intent to discover the parts of myself that I so clearly saw in her.  I loved that she had the courage to speak the truth, even if it meant shocking people in order to wake them up.  Also I admired the way she was able to clearly articulate a difficult message, speaking with such eloquence that her words penetrated into people's minds and hearts.  I was enamored with the depth of concern she seemed to feel for humanity and the sense that she was dedicated to something larger than just her individual life.  I also envied her beauty, her sense of style and her willingness to look like a hot, sexy woman and not one of the many stereotypical frumpy spiritual teachers. She took to the stage looking gorgeous and sophisticated, yet her holiness came through loud and clear.

     

    As a dedicated student of projection, I looked beyond her behaviors and tried to discover the underlying characteristics that gave rise to those behaviors.  I asked myself, “What kind of person is able to just be herself on stage?”  Clearly, an authentic person.  “What kind of person would care so deeply for the rest of the world?”  A selfless person.  “What is the quality that allows Marianne to speak up, to tell the truth even when it is shocking or scary?”  I heard very clearly – a bold person.

     

    I looked at my list of qualities, which read, “Bold, Authentic, and Selfless.”  None of them were characteristics that I owned or acknowledged within myself.  Those who know me now may find this hard to believe, but back then I was not somebody who told it like it is.  Afraid of losing approval of those I loved, I skirted around issues and lacked the self-confidence to even stand in front of a room without shaking. I was more concerned with looking good that I was with saying something that would change people’s lives.  I was more concerned with saying it nicely than being straight or authentic.  Yet I know that if I saw strengths in Marianne, the potential for them must exist also within me.

     

    I began practicing being more authentic with people and challenging myself to speak up even when I wanted to be silent….”  Debbie Ford

     

    How fun to see our potentials in others, to see what we are lacking within ourselves, to admire truth and authenticity and being comfortable in our own lives and selves.

     

    Watch for your Light Shadow, for the part of you that has yet to shine!

     

    “This Little Light of mine, I going to let it shine….”

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  • Let there be Peace in December

    Yesterday on the radio I listened as Ed Bacon and Elizabeth Lesser spoke of the different types of Celebrations, mostly in December.

     

    How December is seen as the dark night of the soul, when the days are so short and the nights long, and so many religions have a Spiritual Celebration in December.

     

    It was very interesting to hear the different ways so many different religions are all celebrating the same thing.

     

    Does it really matter what you call that Celebration Day, what traditions and rituals you use, if we are all focusing on Spirit.

     

    What a great reminder, it isn’t about how we Celebrate the Spirit, but if we do.

     

    They spoke of how Santa is an example of the unlimited Spirit, how it spreads love, joy and peace, how giving is where you will find Spirit.  

     

    They spoke of there being no room for the Birth of Spirit, and how still today we become so busy doing, that we too forget to make room for our own Spirits.

     

    It was an enlightening look at the approaching Celebration Season, and how we should honor all traditions and different cultures as they focus on Spirit.   There is only one spirit but a million ways we can be grateful.

     

    If we let go of all the words that have been placed before the actual meaning, we will all agree, we are all trying to connect with the Spirit within us and to share Its meaning.

     

    I received an email today that said someone is trying to take Christ out of Christmas.

     

    It is like taking the Spirit out of you.  Is that possible? Can you remove the essence of your soul from you?

     

    Is the Spirit a property to be owned by a select few?

    It seems that there are mindsets that believe this, for isn’t that what most fight about.

     

    My way is right, which makes your way wrong.

     

    If we get lost in the way we celebrate, we lose sight of what we are celebrating.

     

    I am not a learned person on all the different traditions, but what I do know is that they are all praising a Higher Power, a Spirit, and a Universe.

     

    Does it matter if what name you call Spirit or what ways you use to connect?

     

    I will look at this December with much different eyes watching how many folks Celebrate.

     

    December is hope, that after the long night of the Soul a Light will appear and that we will find the Gifts in each lesson, how we can use the Spirit as the example of how to give endlessly with love, peace and joy, a reminder to leave room.

     

    Let there be Peace in December.

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