I M Perfect lady

Tag: loving

  • Voice of the Adult.

    David Hawkins writes about dieting or taking care of the body in "Healing and Recovery".

    "When one reaches this level of handling appetite and hunger, one is no longer fixed on one particular food or another.  One could say, "If we have a steak tonight, that's fine, and if we don't , that's fine."  So it is okay either way. This means that one is free."

    "One characteristic of this attitude is freedom. Freedom from what?  There is freedom from being run by a program or conditioning, and freedom from being a victim of the cycle. There is freedom from the entrapment that made us feel bad about ourselves.  As we get detached from these sensations, we begin to feel good about ourselves.  In fact, our willingness to do that goes up to level 310, which has an even better feeling about it.  We begin to accept that this is nothing other than a phenomenon, just a set of vibrations going on within consciousness.  It does  not have to do with food or the body.  Those are all programs.  In essence, physics explains it as just a set of vibrations going on in the field of consciousness that are within our power to alter. Once we do that, we can really begin to love ourselves more than we did before."

    "There is another very interesting aspect going on in consciousness that will also be very helpful.  It is something you can observe within yourself, and something I picked up within myself and saw happening.  The cycle in the past was to be run by the hunger, appetite, satiation, and then guilt. All the good intentions I had about dieting and taking off weight suddenly flew out the window and disappeared somewhere.  After filling myself up with far more than I knew I needed, suddenly there was a feeling of self-disgust and guilt.  People with severe eating problems often experience that.  They go into the bathroom, throw all the food back up, and then go into self-hatred, blame, guilt, and even suicidal depression, which can become very severe.  What really happens in this type of situation?  I observed that when a person sits down to eat, it is only the adult within who wants to take off the weight, and it is really the 'inner child' who is always hungry."

    "In the past, Dr. Eric Berne, author of "Games People Play" and creator of Transactional Analysis, along with other people in that field talked about our 'child', and 'parent' tapes that are like three voices within us.  One is the desirous child; one is the adult who is rational, intelligent and educated; and one is the parent who tends to be punitive and moralistic.  The parent tape is the one who tells us about right and wrong.  When we sit down at the table or walk to the refrigerator, the adult within goes unconscious and the child takes over."

    "What does the child know about diet, weight, and calories?  Nothing. The consciousness of the child is, "I want, I satisfy, and I get," so we go to the refrigerator without realizing we are in a different state of consciousness, one in which the child is dominant.  So who is poking around in the refrigerator? The child is. Who is ordering a second hot fudge sundae or having a second helping of potatoes and gravy?  The child.  After we indulge the child without realizing what is going on, when the meal is over, the child leaves.  it has had its fill, and then who takes its place?  The parent does who then says, "How could you have been so stupid?  Why did you have seconds?  So did you have a piece of pie? Why did you put ice cream on top of the pie?  I mean, think of the calories.  You are really stupid and weak; you don't have any will power. You are no good; your self-worth is rotten."

    "At this point, we are subjected to the inner angry parent who is blaming us. Blaming whom?  Blaming the inner child.  Where has the adult been all this time?  It has been silenced. The adult was not there at mealtime or after mealtime.  The child and the parent have taken over the whole eating program, which is natural because that is where the eating patterns get set up in the first place. They get set up with the child, and who is sitting next to the child, but the parent?  So the child alternates with the parent in running the whole eating pattern."

    "In order to counter act this, we have to be aware that the pattern is running.  Just to be aware of it begins to change it.  Now we can make a note to ourselves, put it on the table or the refrigerator, and consciously call forth our adult and tell the child, "This is the place for an adult now because my adult is very conscious of its eating."  My adult knows about calories, diets, and healthy eating patterns.  I consciously call forth my adult to be here at this meal. I say, "The adult me is here now" and consciously reject the presence of the child.  Because the overindulgence does not happen, when the meal is finished, my adult stays there. No parent comes in to blame me for what has been done."

    "It does not take self-control or resisting anything; it just takes being aware. When we sit down, we say hello to our adult and be conscious.  Just as we sit down at the dinner table, we watch the kid come up in us.  I have watched myself do this. "Oh, look at who is there at the table.  Oh wow!  Look at the pile of mashed potato!  Look at the gravy!"  Just watch people's faces when they sit down at the table and we see who is 'up' in them.  We see the eyes pop open and watch the pupils of the eyes get very large.  If that is not a five-year-old kid, then I never saw one."

    "We may see a serious looking businessman walk into a restaurant with his briefcase.  He goes through the cafeteria line and then sits down.  Now, watch his face as he puts his napkin in front of him.  He picks up his napkin – somebody else is already there.  There is the kid all ready to have a good time!  Of course, after the man gets up to leave, now we instantly see, "Oh, I ate too much."  Now who is there?  Look at the frown as the man is berating himself as he walks out of the restaurant.  In his mind, he is counting calories. He just ate 3,850 calories for dinner, and his doctor told him he is supposed to have only 900 calories a day.  He figures he cannot eat until next Tuesday now and wonders how is he going to survive."

    "We can break out of this self-defeating pattern just by being aware. Make a little sign for the refrigerator door that says, "Adults Only."  Be conscious; be aware of who is there.  We will find that the adult enjoys the eating very much too, but just does not go crazy so easily."  David Hawkins

    What I love about how he breaks this down to there being three people that are vying for our attention or are in fact running our lives; The Child, The Parent and the Adult Self.

    At first when I read this I didn't distinguish between parent and adult, but read them as one.  But now I can see that my eating and actually my living patterns were created by a child and my parent.

    And how bringing in my adult self, I can take over the functions of my life that have been running on the program built by me as a child and my parent.

    This makes perfect sense to me.  I do eat like a child, often.  And then I do have a punitive parent come in and berate me…making me feel bad. While these two duke it out, my adult self is silent.  

    This silent adult self is the one who is missing in the places in my life where I have child like behaviors…as well as the beating myself up.  The over indulgent child, eating sweets and then the belittling parent spreading the icing on the cake of self loathing.  Or simply not being adult about my sweets.

    Whether this pattern has created a person 50 pounds overweight like I, or 300 pounds doesn't matter.  The key is the absence of a loving adult.

    This is the one pattern that I failed to see in practice.

    A loving adult.

    I have to be that which wasn't shown to me…the pattern of loving adult.

    What does a loving adult do?  How does a loving adult act?  

    Imagine having a loving adult take over your eating habits, doing yoga, etc.  I believe that I have had a loving adult take over parts of my life, but having a loving adult take over care of my body hasn't happened.

    The indulgent child eats for me and is lazy when it is time to work on my body…and then the parent screams and rants and raves as to why not.  No loving adult has come in to lead me through self care.  

    I almost have to wonder if subconsciously I am waiting for loving adult messages to come from my parent voice?  Waiting for this kind voice to take over patterns I have lived under and replace them with things I wouldn't even recognize as me.

    It is like I am either waiting for a loving parent or for my indulgent child to suddenly crave yoga and whole foods.

    Perhaps that is what we are waiting for…a healthy child to appear.

    What I know for sure is that a child can't lead this game of food and self care…for what I look like is the perfect pattern of a child in charge and what I feel like is having a nonloving parent.

    In order for this to change, I will have to keep returning my awareness to seek out my loving adult self…ignoring the child and parent pattern.

    And by asking for the voice of the adult.

     

  • Peace Is.

    What I read about the lower levels, (below 200 in consciousness) caught my attention. 

    "A prime difficulty with thoughts and behaviors associated with the energy fields below 200 is that they cause counterreactions. A familiar law of the observable universe is that force results in equal and opposite counterforce; all attacks, therefore, whether mental or physical result in countreattacks. Malice literally makes you sick; we're always the victims of our own vindictiveness.  Even secret hostile thoughts result in a physiological attack on one's own body." David Hawkins, Power vs Force

     

    As you are caught up in blaming and pointing fingers and attacking others, you are actually loading the gun to come back at you.  

    If it hadn't been for Byron Katie and her brilliant turn around, where I could see that who I was really hollering at was me, I would have kept loading the guns and attacking others.  Instead I got very busy unloading my anger guns.

    I have been very busy learning about the human mind, the psyche, and now the levels of awareness and energy that all contribute to the way a human being is…to say nothing of the treatment and beliefs they were taught as a child.  Incredible that we even have any coherent beings walking this planet.

    And it is my belief, the more we learn about what doesn't work, the more we can learn about what does.  And our exquisite bodies are the key to unlocking all the mysteries.  As Deepak Chopra has stated, "the mind is manifested in the body," and an angry mind creates disease. 

    I have found my ease and peace by learning about how truth or untruth affects my body and how I live my life.  

    I have learned by reading and doing, that what I put out indeed comes right back.  There is no one out there to blame for my life but me.  

    David writes about peace.

    "Peace can't be created this way; peace is the natural state of affairs when what's preventing it is removed.  Relatively few people are genuinely committed to peace as a realistic goal, for in their private lives, most people prefer being "right" at whatever cost to their relationships or themselves.  A self justified positionality is the real enemy of peace.  When solutions are sought on the level of coercion, no peaceful resolutions are possible."

    What I love is that peace is the natural state of affairs, when you remove what is preventing peace…peace is.

    I had no idea that I had such huge mountains of stuff preventing me peace!  When you can get to the place of loving what is, peace is.

     

  • Quiet Strength of Kindness

    I watched my daughter with Finn, how gentle and quiet her voice was and how he listened and followed her lead.  He has an ear infection in both ears and needs twice daily drops. 

    I was prepared for a struggle of holding him down and wrestling to get a few drops in.

    The first few times we did have two people…but he showed us quickly that one person was enough.  One gentle quiet speaking trusting loving person…was all that he needed.

    He isn't happy or eager, but resigned.  We can't know if he intuitively knows this is helping his ears or is he simply following what his soft spoken master is telling him…

    I have been given the gift of watching her mother him with soft hands and a calm voice of love and steady kindness.

    My unnatural instinct has been the opposite. 

    Driven by fear and out of control inside…I mothered without the quiet strength of kindness.

  • Unconditionally loving the Abuser.

    As human beings we are used to riding along and adjusting to change, but we are not used to being “the change you want to see in your world” as Gandhi put it.

    We want change and we want it now, but we don’t want the change to start with us.

    Most of us change only when forced, when death or tragedy impacts our lives, but rarely do we actively make changes.

    Besides the lack of being a self-starter, we find it impossible to see the enemies that walk among us, for we have called them friends and family.  (This of course is only for those of us who suffered abuse within our family homes, in our friendly neighborhoods, and churches.)

    Since 90% of the abuse happens with someone we know, and 50% with family members, that leaves only 10% to be strangers.

    The changes that need to happen are folks need to start treating family and friends like strangers.

    I know this seems backwards, but so is abuse.

    The legacy of abuse will continue to flow in your family unless and until you start treating folks who abuse like enemies of family and love, for they are.

    They are not there to instill a safe secure environment, nor sowing love and kindness, they are inside infesting the core values of what family means.

    Abusers can’t be treated the same as members of the family who mean no harm.

    In order to stop abuse, you all have to stop treating abusers like constructive members of your family, but rather the destructive people they are.

    They need to get help, be taken out of the family, isolated…in order to preserve the family’s integrity.

     However, in my experience, the child (grown adult child) must leave in order to feel safe, for the perpetrator was not made to go. 

    He was cared for and protected within the family unit.

    This is the sole reason that abuse continues.  The family refuses to treat him like a stranger who came in and abused the girls.

    And as it stands today, I am treated like a stranger and he like a family member.

    This backwards treatment alone keeps abuse going.

    Most don’t want to speak up and act like I did, for they know the outcome.  So instead of being alone, they will be part of keeping the legacy of abuse going.

    What happens is you become a stranger to your family as you fight against abuse…and for most that is too big a price to pay, so they will settle back into the comfortable routine of being a family…unconditionally loving the abuser.

     

  • The Raw and Perfect Truth.

    As I thought about the way we paint people, how we are taught at a very young age to temper our truths, what we see and how we feel, how we not only learn to paint ourselves in false colors, but others as well. 

    We tell little children it is ‘not nice’ to call a fat person fat.

    It is not nice to say that someone who is mean is mean.

    That it is not nice to say grandma made you feel bad.

    We are teaching them, It is not nice to speak your truth…

    And, speaking your truth will make others feel bad.

    Is that right?  How can that be?  How in the world are the child’s words and feelings put aside to protect the mean or fat person?

    And then we wonder why they don’t come and tell us when a mean Uncle so and so did bad things to them.  They have been taught that their feelings don’t matter and that the truth is not kind.

    I am quite certain the fat person knows she/he is fat.

    And perhaps it may be better for us to engage in a conversation about it. 

    When I began speaking my truth, it felt like I was doing something bad.

    Like I had broken the ‘golden’ rule of kindness, that I had turned a corner into the forbidden territory, and all hell would break lose.

    And it did, the pretty painted picture shattered and crumbled.

    I lost friends and family when I spoke out loud and became like a very very stubborn child. I refused to give up what I had seen, how I felt and how the other person’s actions affected me.

    For once in my life, I looked at me in truth and how the world around me felt to me, looked to me…and my coloring people crayons disappeared.

    And the paints I used to tone down what I saw and how I felt…completely dried up. 

    I then discovered an incredible freedom and how easy it was to not have to come up with an excuse for others or worry how my truth would make them feel.

    Byron Katie’s book, “Loving What is” showed me how it was okay and actually a very sacred place to be.

    I was walking with God in reality. 

    I saw what God saw.

    He didn’t paint a sunset over to make it into a bird, nor a tree into a river.  He kept them all in their natural states.  I could then see the perfection in everything. 

    A mean person is mean.

    An unhappy person is unhappy.

    A homeless man has no home.

    A biting dog bites.

    A pedophile abuses children.

    A drunken person drinks.

    A neglectful mother neglects her children. 

    I didn’t try to make any of the above different, it was impossible and not my job.  I retired as the painter to make their lives appear kinder and feel better to me.

    Instead I felt them as they were…I opened myself up to feel all the things I had previously painted, I stripped them down so only their truths shone forth.

    I felt what it feels like to have a pedophile father, a neglectful mother.  I felt it all wash over me removing my own paints of being normal and okay.

    Stripped bare I stood with a family minus the pretty paint.

    Its unvarnished rawness of glaring truths…

    It wasn’t pretty but it was my truth…and I didn’t have the strength or the desire to pick up a brush and cover it up.

    I let it lay there in all its ugly perfect glory… the raw and perfect truth. 

     

     

  • Rob me of being Me.

    Doesn’t it seem like people lose their senses when it comes to love and religion, that they leave their common sense and critical eyes behind, and blindly follow?

     

    How is it that matters of the heart and soul are often sold to snake oil salesmen speaking of a promise land, someday?

     

    The seemingly intelligent folks who fall victim to the fairy tale most religions spin is utterly amazing to me, that we will give up the very insides of us for their cause.

     

    We will give up the right to our bodies, our minds, our hearts and our souls…until all that is left is a shell.

     

    A useless shell, for there is no heart, no soul, and no mind.  We become members along their narrow pathway leading to the promise land.

     

    We sell all our todays, all our feelings within our hearts, all the stirrings of our souls, for Heaven after we die.

     

    What they fail to tell us is we are the walking dead.  That we of our own free will and ourselves is dead.

     

    We have no I.

    We have no me.

    We have no self that is free to live, as it wants.

     

    And grown women give up the rights of their bodies, minds and souls and call this a spiritual experience with God?  How???

     

    It sounds like a very dysfunctional love affair.  Where one has all the power and the other is stripped of all sense of self.

     

    That was my old relationship with God…it was self less.

    Without common sense or my eyes, my ears, my feelings, my intuition, my gut, my instincts, my heart and my soul, my passion, my gratitude.  I was absent; I disappeared in order to love that god.

     

    And that god as far as I can tell is the devil who wanted my soul…a destroyer god, one who stole my free will.

     

    In my experience the God that I now know, the one who orchestrates the stars, the moon, and is intimate with each blade of grass, wants for me more than I can dream myself.

     

    He isn’t here to rob me of being Me.

     

  • Imperfectly Me.

    Yesterday morning, after a sleepless night I wrote the post about unconditional love, about knowing to the depth of my soul, no matter what I will not be the one to abuse my wounded child.

    I let go of all things but unconditional love.

    My husband and I had decided we would get out of the house and go for breakfast to give us a chance to talk privately.

    My husband turns to me when I enter the car and says, “do you have anything left to say to our daughter, is there anymore you have to offer?”

    And I say very weak defeated, no, I have nothing, all my knowing, my wise words and experience, all my efforts and love are not seemingly working, I am at the end of the road, I have nothing.

    He says, “Good. Here is how this is going to go down. What we did to her last night, by pressing her is going to drive her out of our home. I will not do that to her. She is hurt and needs a place to be, where there is no one pressuring her, a place where she feels comfortable…I love my daughter and want her always to feel that she is welcome in our home no matter what.

    I tell him, I agree. I just learned about my unconditional love for her, that I too will not hurt her when she is down.

    The next thing he says is you have to let her go, let her do it her way, let her be EVEN if she decides to move out of our home, let her decide, You have to let her go.

    I tell him he is asking too much.

    In that instant, I feel the little girl in me terrified of letting go, of losing once again.

    I tell him, Honey I know about letting go, about letting them decide, of allowing them to be, I let my family go and none of them came back to me.

    I have lost and I have lost and none of them ever come back, you are asking way too much, and now you are asking me to let go of my little girl to let her go free while she is alone and lost.

    I can’t let her go, for if she doesn’t come back I don’t know what I will do, I can’t let her go, I don’t have a heart big enough to bear this if she doesn’t come back.

    I tell him, “Mr. Big as a House Heart Man, you will have to lead this, you will have to stand in front of me, for me with the “Little as a Rock Broken Heart lady can’t be out front, I am afraid that if this little piece shatters, I will not have anything left, that I will go down and not come back up.”

    Honey I can let her go but your big heart will have to carry me, my heart isn’t big enough to do this alone and I don’t know how.

    In that moment I felt my holding grasp, its final clutch leave, and she was set off alone.

    Peace overcame me in that instant that seemed to settle over the spot that terror lived.

    My husband continues on unaffected by my emotional display. He says, “we can’t tell her what to do, she is a young lady, she is inexperienced, but this is how she will learn, we will offer her a space here to heal, but not tell her what to do.”

    I am in total agreement and following his lead.

    It is the first time in my life I let go of being responsible of taking the lead of getting on the back of the motor bike, of getting out of the wind and flying bugs and debris to snuggle in behind him and let him tell me what it is we need to do.

    What my husband and I then discussed was exactly what he had done for me six years ago when my world crumbled, when I too discovered that the relationships I had were very dysfunctional, when I had lost my way, when I found my self upside down and backwards, when I didn’t have a radar that knew its way, my dear husband opened up his heart wider, opened up our home, and allowed me to enter in.

    Nothing changed inside, it remained a place of normal in an otherwise upside down unnormal world.

    I entered in exactly as I found myself; there were no requirements no rules or regulations that I had to change first to be here.

    He allowed me the space, he demanded nothing, he asked no questions, he made no suggestions, he allowed me, a frightened wounded animal, to come into the warm space of his loving home and curl up an be safe.

    He never, not once asked me to do something I did not want to do, he waited for me to decide I was ready.

    He never not once wanted me to be further healed than I was, he waited for me to share with him.

    He continued to love and hold me like nothing had changed, to him I was the same person but sick or wounded, that was all.

    I told him, ”What you want me to do for our daughter is what you already did for me, I can do this.”

    I get to be him, to walk in his shoes and just allow her to be. I know even more for I have actually walked those steps.

    I felt immediately, that this was the right path for healing for I know that without him, this house, the space and undemanding loved ones, I would not have made it. I can now give to her that.

    I told him, “I can’t imagine what this had to be like for you, with a wounded wife, to be the only one to do this, it had to be very hellish, and how did we make it through that?”

    He isn’t wanting to go back, he wants to be here.

    He tells me, “you are not to say anything negative, in fact you are not allowed to say anything at all, you are to go on creating a loving home, doing what we have always done here and let her just be.”

    I say, “Honey I get it, I get to be a loving mom unconditionally l can do this.”

    I say I will follow your lead, for did the perfect job for me.

    As we sat face to face over breakfast, my body a noodle, empty and drained, feeling like I had just completed a 6 year marathon, I say to him.

    “Honey, what would a perfect mother have done?”

    He says to me, “she would have stopped this morning like you did, she would done exactly everything you did and said, but she would stop now and let her go.”

    I know for some this may not seem like an answer to a trouble wounded child, but it worked for a very mentally twisted up and wounded adult child.

    I sit in awe of what this man has done for me, and what we, him and I can do for our little girl, our almost woman child who has been wounded, we can open our home, our hearts and welcome her in.

    We demand nothing but accept all.
    We say nothing unless asked.

    We work hard to maintain the energy or atmosphere of our home as it always was.

    We keep this the one piece in the world unchanged in her very changed life.

    This home, the people in this home were my saving grace.

    They never treated me like the outside world talked of me, they remained true to me as what we had previous, they did not change.

    They went to work and did what they loved, they did not have a blame or shameful eye directed at me.

    In their eyes I was imperfectly me.

  • We poured ourselves out for them.

    The two main things I have been striving to achieve are to mend a broken heart and to find my sense of lucidity.

    There are times when the brokenness obscures my vision of sanity.

    Perhaps a broken heart causes insanity.

    It is impossible to discern the cause and affect.
    What came first?

    As I head into each situation, past memory, old relationship, investigating and probing, I usually become more lucid and sane and find no love.

    What is so unsettling is that I can have my sanity back, but can’t find love there.

    It seems the wires of insanity are laced with love, wrapped and wound tightly together, like white on rice, that you can’t separate the two.

    Trying to leave love unaffected while becoming lucid, is to maintain a loving family amidst the evidence of dysfunction.

    I see the love change before my eyes, as my eyes grow clearer and clearer, its to see the secondary picture emerge that has always been there, just obscured by my love.

    My insanity fades into lucidness, my love I see was poured into containers with holes.

    Leaking out not held dear.

    I can see clearly now where I poured all my love, see now where it lay abandoned and betrayed, my efforts long forgotten, my undying faithfulness cheated upon, like a used container tossed aside after its contents enjoyed.

    I see the me that was so faithful to the unfaithful.
    I see the me that was so trusting to the untrusting.
    I see the me that was so giving to the ungiving.

    I see me doing the right thing to the wrong people.
    That no matter how much I gave, I couldn’t change the people in front of me, that it is impossible to add love, trust, faith and a giving spirit to someone else.

    And I also think, I came really close in losing that spirit within me, that when the outside doesn’t change, you believe that your love isn’t good enough.

    Your faith isn’t strong enough.
    Your trust isn’t trusting enough…you are the problem, you didn’t try hard enough.

    Insanity is trying to make a loving person by loving them more.
    Insanity is trying to make a giving person by giving them more.
    Insanity is trying to make a trusting person by trusting them more.

    When, evidence showed the first time you walked up to them and handed them, your love, trust and faith, they tore them up.

    Somehow someway, as a child, we keep bringing them more and more, believing that if only we could be good enough, they could see love and kindness within us.

    We look to them to find the value in us.

    What is so shocking to see is the emptiness there, I see them not seeing me at all, and perhaps it is the empty container in front of them.

    We poured ourselves out for them.

  • Thank you.

    As I sit here on Thanksgiving morning, I look back at this year and find so many moments of gratitude, it seems I had a year full.

    My moments of gratitude are interrupted with moments of sheer pain, frustration, sorrow, confusion and tangled thoughts; it is only when I truly see the whole picture that I am overwhelmed with gratitude, knowing I was spared.

    Spared a lifetime stuck in that thought pattern, or held prisoner by that belief, to be forever at the mercy of another, while never seeing me.

    It isn’t so much that they didn’t see me, but I didn’t see me.

    Seeing and feeling me, learning how to respond that is respectful of me, what honors my soul, bringing forth a new version of me, one that is authentic and uniquely me, one that brings me to life.

    Gratitude of such magnitude, there isn’t a word that adequately expresses this freedom; it is like breathing or not breathing, love or fear, living or being dead in your life.

    To not be dead in my life is beyond what words can hold, to be alive in each moment, aware that I am connected to the Universe, that there are no mistakes, just opportunities to expand further and further, that even the darkest of the darkest moments are bringing me back to myself.

    The Universe only wants the grandest version of me; it doesn’t want a replica of someone else’s dreams.

    This past year I have been shown all the places I was still stuck, lost in the dark, and each time I become aware, I bring peace in to me.

    In peace I am overwhelmed in gratitude.

    I am thankful on this Thanksgiving Day for all the moments of pain, the untangled thoughts, the dark stuck places, and sorrow of what isn’t, for they all came bearing gifts.

    They all delivered a part of me that wasn’t free.

    Hell doesn’t seem like hell when it comes bearing gifts.

    I am grateful for my pain and for my suffering, for it was grieving the loss of me.

    It was telling me where I wasn’t present.

    In the darkness I mourned the loss of me.

    It was in the dark that I found me.

    On this Thanksgiving day, I thank you.

  • Loving What Is…

    We would rather be ruined than changed;
    We would rather die in our dread
    Than climb the cross of the moment
    And let our illusions die.
    ~W.H. Auden

     

    What is so unreal is that we believe we can stop change that it is up to us to keep things the same, and it is viewed worthy if we remain unchanged.

     

    Not only unchanged, but that if you change it is somehow seen as bad, wrong or that you succumbed to a new circumstance, instead of standing hard against change.

     

    I have come to see that change happens often and mostly for my benefit, and the more I get used to letting go of rigid beliefs about my life and how it is supposed to flow, I am much more relaxed and willing to bend with the next thing that changes.

     

    Our bodies change, the days change, the seasons change, our roles change, our attitudes change, our energies change, our feelings change, our world simply doesn’t stop changing.

     

    I think we can accept change as long as it goes according to our vision of our futures, but as soon as it changes and creates a kink in our plans, we then stand strong against that change.

     

    Standing against change feels stronger, yet it is actually a weakened state.  The strongest is to surrender and accept with grace whatever is happening, for it is happening.

     

    Accepting what is, as Byron Katie says…is really loving what is, and if you are not accepting it, you are fighting with reality and you only lose, but 100% of the time.

     

    I think we think we are good at navigating the changes in our lives, until the unthinkable happens, when we are forced to look upon something that certainly goes against our dreams, or our plans, and then see how you accept change?

     

    I have found that it is in accepting the most difficult things that we truly see ourselves; see where we truly are, how we are and how we are really living.

     

    Are we living in reality or in a dream about reality?

    Are we flowing with the Universe and living in a love hate relationship with it?

     

    Loving the Universe when our plans are going according to plan, and despising that same God, when things fall through?

     

    It has taken lots of disappointments, lots of changes, and lots of moments of utter disbelief to finally see the gifts in all the changes that have happened in my life.

     

    I was forced to look for gifts among the piles of changes and in doing so always found the thread that lead me to understanding the change.

     

    In seeing a bigger picture or seeing that which I failed to acknowledge, it was my perspective of change that was needed.

     

    Instead of sitting in the land of ‘expecting no change’, I now live knowing all life changes…I am comfortable with change, and if not, I know that it is my mind that has to be changed, not reality.

     

    Reality changes whether we agree or disagree…it is up to you how long it takes.

     

    I have found the quicker I change my mind, the more peaceful I am.

     

    Byron Katie says there are three little words that cause suffering…should, could and would.

     

    And there are three words that bring peace, Loving what is…