I M Perfect lady

Tag: Martha Beck

  • Selfishly I Respectfully Do Not Care!

    “I respectfully do not care!” is a new quote I heard from Martha Beck as she spoke today on the Lisa Oz radio show.

    People have told her (Martha) that in order to promote and sell books and to keep her selling herself she needs to be on facebook, twitter and the like, but doing so has made her sick, physically sick with shingles.

    She found that she can talk with her daughter, and if her daughter feels her mom says something profound, her daughter will post it online.

    Martha has total trust in her body and she was getting physically sick doing what others wanted her to do, but what wasn’t natural or feeling right for her.

    When she says, “I respectfully do not care,” it means I respect what you are saying, it’s not for me.

    I love that.

    She is following and listening to her body.

    This may be my second favorite quote from her and it validates that you heard the request, but don’t care.

    Don’t care if all are doing this, me and my body are not okay with it,

    “I respectfully do not care” almost sounds like what I tell my children. I respectfully do not care if all the kids are doing it you are not. (when the other kids parents didn’t care and we had different rules.)

    This phrase actually gives you the freedom to be an individual, to follow the signals of your body, to listen to the inner knowing, to care more about yourself than others.

    Selfishly I respectfully do not care!

  • Free to be you.

    At the end of Dr. Jill Bolte’s book, “My Stroke of Insight”, she writes what she needed the most to heal, and I too would like to share what was most beneficial to me as I made my way out of the legacy of dysfunction.

    When you wake up and find that you lived in denial for 46 years, you are smack dab in the middle of a pretend life and you need to begin finding truths everywhere and living truth.

    Here are some things in no particular order…

    The book, “Loving What is” by Byron Katie helped me embrace the idea of acceptance and how it is much easier to walk with reality and to separate whose business is whose. My lines of responsibility blurred and I was lost in other people’s lives and absent from my own.

    “Be Here Now” by Eckhart Tolle helped me live in this moment while unraveling the past. Showed me how to not deny but to embrace the moment right here and all that it delivered.

    Martha Beck’s book “Leaving the Saints” showed me the way abuse blinds you and how the family situation and religion has a great impact on how you then go forward, abused and confused.

    My brother’s ears listened, his eyes sought the truth like I, and his hand reached forward in healing always. Together we bravely walked deeply into what we had experienced to find where we lost ourselves, felt the pain or discovered the things we missed, clues that led us to our self. It greatly helps to have one family member in a dysfunctional family that wants to get out as bad as you, that wants to end the legacy in their life. His understanding of dysfunction as well as his desire to be free was the perfect companion on my journey. His willingness to bravely let go of family in dysfunction to be whole gave me strength.

    My husband bravely walking with me in the unknown, of me and the future, of allowing me space to figure it out, of hearing the truth and not fighting it. He made no demands for me to Not change, nor did he make demands on how I should be, he simply stood by and let me find me. We both had no idea if when I healed if there would be a we. Love is letting go and being free. We found a love that has no strings, you be you and I be me kinda love. His freedom was key.

    Friends. Well, I lost some old friends and old family members who were unable to bear the new me and my new found truths, and I am way okay in letting them go, for I don’t want to make them believe that which they don’t.

    New friends arrived, deeper, wiser, more understanding and caring, they match my new me.

    Playing in Art was my saving grace, a place where I still could play with colors designs in fabric, creating and letting go of the heaviness of dysfunction, there I felt free to be. My Art carried messages to me, like letters from the Universe, showing me I was on the right path and that I would be okay.

    I M Perfect Lady blog, is a key component as well, it has be a sacred space for me to bring my truths, to lay them on the white sheet and to dissect each morsel and to find answers. While I often hoped it would help another person, I have selfishly gained the most. It has beautifully displayed all aspects of me, the broken wounded little girl, the mental survival woman, and the sprouts of the real me. I grew to love this imperfect me and know that each part is perfectly me! There is no part you could take out, for each part hold up a section of my life, each part has a hand in making me me!

    What we need the most is freedom and for others to hold the space of our innocence until we can find our way back.

    We need to use reality like Braille watching all actions as they brilliantly say what words can try to cover; we need to have narrow vision staying with the evidence of actions.

    As we tear down our life of denial, we need to build a life in reality, we need to build up our strength, add wholeness to support what we want to become, while saying good bye to the things that kept us down.

    We need to find the stamina to go against old beliefs and life patterns.

    We need the courage to face all we turned away from.

    We need to reconnect to our bodies and yoga is a spectacular way to join, the mind, body and soul.

    Mostly we need the space to be free.

    Abuse steals our power; we need to become powerful again from the inside out.

    Abuse steals our love; we need to become loving of self.

    Abuse steals our faith; we need to become faithful to self.

    Abuse steals our trust; we need to learn how to trust our judgment, our value, our morals again.

    Denial or dysfunction or abuse has us living from the outside in, where we will please other before self.
    We have to turn ourselves inside out and begin living from inside. Listening to our quiet inner voice, and following our feelings inside.

    Mostly become one. Separated from the leagues and groups and piles of folks that wanted us to be something for them. We need to become a sovereign nation of one. One wave in the Ocean of the Universe.

    What is great about victims is that they bring love, trust and faith and give it to another. In order to heal, they now need to use all those great gifts to heal themselves, to now treat thy self, turn inward.

    All my strengths I had for helping others, I used to help me. I became my biggest cheerleader, my strongest friend; I learned to love my self.

    It is like having the wounded heal the wounded.
    The ultimate healing, I who was broken healed myself.

    The blind learning to see.
    The deaf learning to hear.
    The dumb wanting to know.

    The desire begins with you.

    “Ask and yea shall receive.”

    Seeks the answers of who you are and you will move into being you.

    It all begins in wanting to know the truth.

    The truth shall set you free.

    Free to be you.

  • Listen…

    The 20 most important questions we should be asking ourselves is the theme of Martha Beck’s column in The O Magazine for February.

    There are many great questions, but I love this one.

    “Is this what I want to be doing?” This very moment is, always, the only moment in which you can make changes. Knowing which changes are best for you comes, always, from assessing what you feel. Ask yourself many times every day if you like what you are doing. If the answer is no, start noticing what you’d prefer. Thus begins the revolution.” Martha

    Most often I hear what people don’t want to be doing while they are doing it.

    We call it complaining or whining.

    Yet what we fail to Hear is the actual words.

    Maybe it isn’t so much in asking the question, but listening to your voice or complaints, whether they are spoken out loud or silent behind, as begrudgingly does that which you don’t want to do.

    And I love her first question.

    What questions should I be asking myself? At first I thought asking yourself what you should be asking yourself was redundant. It isn’t. Without this question, you wouldn’t ask any others, so it gets top billing. It creates an alert, thoughtful mind state, ideal for ferreting out the information you most need in every situation. Ask it frequently. Martha

    Both of these questions can be life changing if you ask the questions with integrity and listen to your body and how you feel and then be courageous enough to actually follow through.

    Ask a bunch of questions today and listen…

  • I Didn’t Forgive Her

    When women feel they have learned to forgive their mothers – and men, their fathers – all it usually means is that they've decided to allow themselves the same kind of behavior.

    ~Mignon McLaughlin

     

    The above quote caught my attention and I full heartedly agreed.  Yet someone commented that it was kinda negative, and I agree it is negative and rightly so.

     

    What is forgiveness?

    How is it applied and why?

    Who needs it and is it our responsibility to apply forgiveness upon the behaviors from someone who have hurt us, and if so, what does it change?

     

    If I hurt someone, will them adding forgiveness on top like gravy make it feel better, remove my actions, will they feel less pain and will it stop me from hurting them again?  What is my consequence for hurting them?  Them being okay and letting it go letting me be a harmful humanbeing, is that good for me??? 

     

    While the word sounds so compassionate and very loving, is it?

     

    Forgiveness is applied upon another, when I believe it was meant for personal use.

     

    I had mentioned to my mother a long time ago, that the forgiveness she seeks is of her self, and I still agree with that today.

     

    How do you apply forgiveness? 

     

    Is it a thought, a feeling, an emotion and it it possible to transfer it to someone?

     

    In my experience of how my siblings used forgiveness it is to ‘overlook’ pardon the hurtful actions and remain in a relationship with my parents. 

     

    It is seen as a more loving thing to do.

     

    More loving than not forgiving.

     

    What is not forgiving? 

     

    Is it to not overlooking the actions, not pardoning them, but holding them accountable?  Is that wrong?

     

    I am not seeing why it is bad to hold someone accountable, to not pardon their behavior, what am I missing here?

     

    It didn’t take me long to realize that IF my father was a monster, and IF I didn’t see that, and due to the fact that I had missed this fact, I had brought my girls to him, I was accountable for my behaviors, there was no pardon that would change that fact, none.

     

    I was the driver of the car that brought them to him.

    I hold myself responsible for my part.

     

    As a child who didn’t know, but feared him and was silent, I was not to be pardoned for not telling, being silent was a behavior that was not to be overlooked, for when I was silent he continued to abuse.

     

    You can’t pardon my behaviors and even if you did, they will not change the outcome of the past 45 years, nothing, absolutely nothing will change if you forgive me.

     

    Nor did it ever even once cross my mind to ask my children or my siblings to forgive me, for I knew full well, what my actions had caused.

     

    Martha Beck has a new meaning of forgiveness that I have adopted, “Forgiveness is accepting that the past will not change.”

     

    I agree.

     

    I have been working on forgiveness, (accepting) my actions and behaviors for the first 46 years of my life, and there is no pardon on earth that will change what happened.  None.

     

    No fancy words.

    No transferring energy to me.

    No emotions can be put upon me to change the outcomes, none.

     

    What was done was done.

    Many a little girl lost her innocence and there is no pardon for that, none.

     

    Pardons will not change it.

    Overlooking what happened will not change it.

    Refusing to hold them accountable today does not change it, yet all I can do is make sure today that I remain accountable of my actions today.

     

    Today I will not forgive him, that is for him to do.

    Today I will not forgive her, that is for her to do.

     

    Today I will forgive myself by accepting that the past will not change, that I can’t change who I was back there, I can’t change what happened, but I can change who I am today.

     

    Who I am today is someone who will not overlook, look around or away from a behavior that hurts, I will hold you accountable for your actions and me for mine, I will speak up instead of be silent about my feelings, and I want you to be honest with me about yours.

     

    I don’t want a repeat of my first 46 years.

     

    I am grateful I have a second chance at life.

     

    Grateful that I have been able to make corrections so history will not repeat itself in my life.

     

    I am grateful I didn’t learn to forgive my mother, for I would have allowed the same behavior in myself.

     

    It was for both of us that I didn’t forgive her.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Your Diet Today

    As I did yoga today I was reminded of where all the unexpressed emotions lay, the container that holds them when I lived a short distance from my body, is my body.

     

    What has always been true and will always remain true, is even if you mind doesn’t allow you to stay in reality, we haven’t found a way to take our bodies out of it.

     

    Our heads only live in denial; it is like the phrase, ‘get your head out of the clouds’.

     

    I am reading “The Joy Diet” by Martha Beck.

     

    Her book contains instructions for a different kind of “diet,” one designed not for the body but for the soul.

     

    “When the word diet first entered the English Language, back in 1656 when I was a little girl, it didn’t refer to food intake.  It meant “a way of living or thinking.”  A few decades later, diet also came to mean “a day’s journey.”

     

    Her first technique is to do 15 minutes of day of nothing. 

     

    The second one is to be truthful.  Imagine this is the chapter I read last night.

     

    “The practice of telling ourselves the truth is so simple and so freeing that you’d think we’d all do it constantly. The fact is, however, that most of the people tell themselves the truth only in selected areas, and many of us lie to ourselves and others about practically everything we experience.  Why? Because living behind a pane of glass, numbing and empty though it is, also feels safe.

     

    …in 1992 and the years that followed, I realized that the simple, small truths of my real thoughts and experiences were the keys that unlocked the dungeon doors for my true self.  Trying to stop telling them would have been like trying to give up oxygen.

     

    This was an almost inexpressibly painful period of my life, but as it drew on, I began to feel intensely, vividly alive.  Prior to that time, I ‘d had no idea so much joy was even possible.  I’ve watched in pain and pride and dozens of my clients have taken the same kind of plunge, determining to tell themselves the truth, no matter what, then opening up secret after secret, breaking through lie by lie, until they find their hearts.  I only recommend that they go for one Moment of Truth a day, but the effect is the same whether you go for broke, as I did, or proceed gradually, as I suggest.  As far as I can tell, this process is always hard, always painful, always so, so worth it.

     

    If you did nothing but pursue the truth about yourself for the rest of your life, you would never run out of fresh discoveries. Every day brings you new experiences, changing you, bringing new aspects of your true self into expression.  There are many layers of thoughts and perceptions in your mind, so many interactive connections that have been developing from infancy on, that the largest part of you will always be an undiscovered country.  As you tell fewer fibs and keep fewer secrets in your inner world, you’ll find energy you once spent on denial turns outward in a kind of creative bloom.  Fascinating ideas, compassionate actions, unheard-of adventures will bubble up from the inexhaustible well of your unique personality during your Moment of Truth.”  Martha Beck

     

    This is the perfect book at the perfect time to help me articulate the ways of living outside of the bubble or as she says, behind the pane of glass.

     

    I love that diet is a day’s journey!

     

    What will you do on your diet today?

     

     

     

     

  • We Begin Again.

    "I exist in perpetual creative response to whatever is present."  Martha Beck

     

    In yoga today, I was watching how I felt in each posture, where my attention was or my attitude, was I accepting or enduring or somewhere in the future.

     

    Today I wasn’t fighting Bikram and the length of time he wanted me to stay with the posture, nor was I expecting me to do beyond what I did.

     

    If I went in very mindful and controlled and had a good breathing sequence going, I was amazed at how much more I could do.

     

    In fact I did so well on the Balancing Stick, I was eager to tell you all, but the next two were horrible, for I was ahead of the pose, expecting a perfect one before I even began, based on the prior one.

     

    Well, the prior one was gone, it was a whole new game, and I didn’t focus, breathe or concentrate.  I wasn’t in that pose, I fell out and had to chuckle at the difference between the two.

     

    I caught the feeling of how quickly moments go by, how we have to grab and drink of each one, and not worry about the flavor of the next, or indulge to long in a past one.  We have this moment, right here.  

     

    Right here, right now, we begin again. 

  • I realize I am me.

    What I have been marveling at for the past few days, is how time goes by no matter what we are doing, and we use up energy trudging in one direction or another, but depending upon where you are heading, you will get different results.

     

    You all may have discovered this, but for some reason when I made changes to what I did physically, instead of just mentally, the results can’t be denied.

     

    Not only do I feel different, I am beginning to look different.

     

    Doing workouts for mental wellness and to balance your self emotionally inside, doesn’t show up outside.

     

    There are of course subtle differences, which others feel radiating from you, and you feel different, but your body size is the same etc.  There are no before and after pictures to show.

     

    As shocking as it is to find myself so out of shape physically, it is nothing compared to how out of shape mentally and emotionally I was. 

     

    This challenge seems easier to walk, I become prettier as I go, where digging in the mess, it seemed I found aspects of my self that were horrifying and my past behaviors so blatantly dysfunctional.

     

    The term ‘Self-Realization’ always seemed like a sacred term, where one would find them selves equal to the Divine God; smear free without an error or a speck of guilt, standing perfectly perfect, certainly not imperfect.

     

    But to me there are two ways to self realize; one to see yourself behaving badly, and two to see yourself treating yourself kindly.

     

    Own your actions.

     

    My first 46 years were actions that reaped love and approval from my parents, but neglected my self.

     

    Martha Beck would call that living as a Social Self, in her book, “Finding Your Own North Star.”

     

    When I discovered that I was supporting their lives, but not living my own separate life, I then realized I didn’t know my essential self outside of their system.

     

    What I am certain of is this yoga unveils the Essential Self. 

     

    When you lock you knee, you will be able to stand against the ‘social self’ the one that seeks approval and love of others and be strong in voice and action for the Essential Self.

     

    Each day that I bring myself to yoga, I will uncover more of my essential Being.

     

    Who am I? 

    What is my Purpose? 

    What is the reason for my Birth?

     

    It is so exciting to have a life of my own.

    I am who I was born to be!

    I realize I am me.   

    IMG_2141

    Day 23

     

  • Control of our Selves.

    FEAR;

    -feeling of anxiety: an unpleasant feeling of anxiety or apprehension caused by the presence or anticipation of danger.- frightening thought: an idea, thought, or other entity that causes feelings of fear- reverence: respect or awe for somebody or something.

    TERROR;

     

    the use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, esp. for political purposes.
    2. the state of fear and submission produced by terrorism or terrorization.
    3. a terroristic method of governing or of resisting a government

     

    My brother and I had a discussion on whether he should have to do something that he fears or is the fear a way of telling him, not to continue.

     

    There seems to be two kinds of fears, one where there is danger and the other that has you feeling as if danger is present.

     

    I remember reading Fear is False Events Appearing Real.

     

    How do you know if your body’s signaling a false event or a real threat?  Is it possible that our bodies are protecting us falsely?

     

    Are there fears that you should not attempt to conquer and are there fears that keep you feeling less empowered and they should be faced, and how can you discern what is what?

     

    Feelings of terror seem to be fear and submission or being coerced to do something you don’t want to do.

     

    That is interesting, being forced to do something you don’t want to do.

     

    Isn’t that the nuts and bolts of being abused, especially sexually?  Would it then make sense that our ‘terror’ button has been activated at a very young age? 

     

    Now even as a big adult, when we get into situations we can’t control, we feel the imbalance and fear arises, and our terror button goes into overdrive.

     

    Due to the fact of undeniable trauma in early childhood we have an unreasonable relationship with fear and terror.  We bring into each new experience the unfounded terror or maybe misplaced fear.

     

    What is unfounded terror? What is misplaced fear?

    Or maybe what is more real is that our perceptions have us believing we will lose our power and control.

     

    It is very terrifying to be placed in a spot where you have no power.

     

    What does that mean to be powerless?  Does that mean controlling others and all situations?  Is that possible?

     

    What is the difference between surrender and submission?

     

    Submission; The act of submitting to the power of another.

     

    Surrender; To give up in favor of another. 3. To give up or give back (something that has been granted): surrender a contractual right. 4. To give up or abandon: surrender all hope. 5. To give over or resign (oneself) to something, as to an emotion: surrendered himself to grief.

     

    It seems that submission is giving your power to another.

    Surrender is to give up in favor of another, to surrender all hope stands out to me.   What comes to mind is Martha Beck’s quote, “Forgiveness is accepting that the past will not change.”

     

    I surrendered to the past, I did not become submissive and a let the past have power over me.

     

    There seems to be a fear and terror that rules my brother, that stands in front of realities that appear harmless, yet to him feel harmful.

     

    How can you correct or right yourself if you have terror of ‘normal’ things and then not fear what most do?

     

    Is it possible to be a victim with power?

    That seems like an oxymoron.

     

    Either you have power or you become victim to situations that you fear.

     

    What came to mind is how women become prostitutes.  It seems that we will control ourselves to be controlled.

     

    Does that make sense to anyone but me?

     

    It is like talking yourself into be powerless and being ok or powerful in the mode of powerless.

     

    Do you all recall seeing the faces of the women in the Religious Cult, and how they stated, “we are free to leave, but we choose not to.”

     

    Who but themselves believe that? 

     

    I recall feeling so shaky and inept to take the wheel of my mind, to be the only one standing there making choices.  No one or nothing stood between my reality and me.

     

    I had no rulebooks, and all past feelings were based upon a past that wasn’t grounded in normal, so I couldn’t even trust them!

     

    What was bad in the past was now good and what was good was now bad!

     

    Picture the ladies of the religious cult coming out in the world of so called sin and devil making.  How they feel ‘normal’ and even of purer status to be behind gates and subjected to being controlled.

     

    Isn’t it a tragedy that we fear the fearless and can eat Sunday dinners with a pedophile and be able to swallow.

     

    Our fear and terror button has a totally faulty sensor.

     

    I don’t know how my brother can flip his switch to off in places that are not harmful and then readjust the switch for places that are.

     

    How overwhelming it is to be so wrong in such a right situation.

     

    Yet we were trained that way.  Imagine being trained backwards.  Just as the ladies in the cult believe that they are doing ‘god’s will’ when in fact they are playing with the devil himself.

     

    The devil has his hands on the fear switch and is pushing it in places that he will lose control.

     

    How could the Serial Pedophiles of the Cult Religions have control, if the gates were open wide, if the ladies could talk and share with other normal people of the world, or if the world could come in and see what is hidden behind the gates?

     

    Are the gates to keep the ladies/girls in or the world out?

     

    It was spoken often and suggested firmly that we curtail all relationships with folks outside of our religion. 

     

    The devil was anyone outside of the religion.  Put the Fear Of God in us.  And isn’t that true?

     

    We feared God, but were faithful to the devil himself.

     

    Astounding to me even now.

     

    All I can say to my brother is to continue to walk into ‘devil realities’ and look again with your own eyes, hear with your own ears, to experience life and readjust your fear switch.

     

    It is broken and shattered and has been that way since you were four.

     

    You be the one to reset it, you can now freely say what it is you fear, for the devil is controlling it now.

     

    This is what happens when someone you love, trust and have faith in molests you, rapes you, and makes you be submissive to acts that are deviant.  You make real fear fearless and then take the fearless and make it fear.

     

    When an ‘uncle’ sexually abuses you, you are set backwards in fear from hence forth.

     

    You feel in control in uncontrollable places, having control in being a victim.

     

    And fear more the power of being free.

     

    Like the rats in the shock box, like the ladies behind the gates of the devil’s religion, more at home in places where real fear lives.

     

    “You are more afraid of your brightness, than your darkness,” says Marianne Williamson.

     

    It is like we were raised with the Devil and thought it was God, and we now have to totally flip every last thing around.

     

    Our journey to heaven turns out to be one to hell.

     

    It is like being kicked out of the compound and you now have to learn to live alone.

     

    What is fear and what is love, what is normal and what is not normal, what is functional and what is not functional.

     

    Little did we know that all our switches are not functioning?

     

    That is what it means to be dysfunctional.

     

    In order to become functional we will rewire our switch by walking fearlessly into normal situations, to have fear but go in anyway, to take back the control of our selves.