I M Perfect lady

Tag: my stroke of insight

  • Discovered the real me.

    I listened once again to Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor speaking to Oprah about her stroke and how she lost all contact to the person she was before the stroke and was left as an infant in a woman’s body, unknowing who she was.

    What struck me were the differences between the two Jills and how I can relate having lived as two of me.

    We both like our second self much better than the first and it took her eight years to grow her second self, and then parts of her old self memories filtered in, but by then a whole new her was in its place.

    My experience wasn’t quite so dramatic physically, I didn’t have to re-learn how to walk, talk, read and write, but my self -identity was equally destroyed, my past all a fraud.

    The me I thought I was wasn’t real and the real me was nowhere and I had to get myself away from the false relationships and places that abused me.

    My healing relied on me walking away from family.

    Her mother came and mothered her a second time and fully embraced her where she was, an infant who needed to be taught all over again. They mourned the loss of her first self, but never expected the second one to be like the first, but a new Jill.

    While they had a second mother and daughter relationship…my mother and I went our separate ways.

    In fact my new self and wellness depended upon whether I could separate myself from my family of origin, the family who created the false files.

    My old self drew its energy and life from being in the old relationships and in doing all the old behaviors and my new healthy self emerged from walking away.

    The tricky spot I was left standing in, was that I knew the old self, and yet the old self was built upon lies, and I had no clue of the new self, but the new self depended upon me walking away from all that I knew.

    I had to learn how I grew wrong to then grow correctly the second time.

    My whole world crashed around me, and my left hemisphere (the storyteller of who you are) was all wrong and it led me to cling to the right hemisphere where intuition, nature, being, now, artistic, and pictures lived.

    While she didn’t understand words, I didn’t trust them.

    Dr. Jill spent 8 years connecting back to the Left side and I have spent 6 years disconnecting from files that were all wrong and then filling them with new contents or meanings.

    I find it interesting what I have learned from her stroke experience, how the brain works and where the self lives.

    What I feel makes a great self is when you occupy the right side most of the time and use the left to communicate.
    We both learned that we couldn’t live unattached to the left side, even though the left side was so damaged, we had to bring it back in order to live whole.

    Somehow hearing Dr. Jill speak of never expecting the second self to appear like the first, took away an unconscious fighting that had been going on within me that it was almost adultery to accept the new me, like I was cheating on the old self.

    My love of my old self and my love of the new self were at odds…it has taken me time to get used to loving the new me, while unloving the old me, if that makes sense?

    There is a wistfulness at times when I struggle to do what my new self needs, a wanting the comfort of being used to this new self.

    While I see my husband in new eyes, it isn’t him, but the eyes looking upon him.

    It is strange to have a new me in an old life and to feel the new self being rejected in places the old self was accepted and it is harder to find confidence in the new self’s love.

    This self loves differently, this self sees differently, this self believes differently.

    This self was grown from the wisdom that my first self experienced.

    I would not be the woman I am today, if I hadn’t lived as the first self first.

    As I learned how she grew to be that way, I discovered the real me.

  • What Fills Me Up.

    Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor wrote about energy takers in her book, “My Stroke of Insight”.

     

    And if you watch how your body responds to different situations, you can find this out yourself.

     

    I know that when I am in the presence of people who talk about life negatively, I leave totally drained.

     

    Some talk in a victim mode where life is out to get you, and there is nothing you can do to change it.  They are not looking for an answer, but rather seem to delight in sharing more and more of how victimized they are and who the next big threat will be and how to guard against it. 

     

    Living on the defensive side of life!

     

    They are fighting with life and feeling they are being assaulted by life at every turn. 

     

    From this mode there is very little in life that brings them happiness, mostly life brings them bad news.

     

    Their radar is positioned to spot the next attack.

     

    Very interesting to watch the way the conversations flowed and how my energy level disappeared.

     

    It doesn’t matter which topic is brought up, they see it from a victim’s point of view and their victim energy gets refilled.

     

    I didn’t realize that victim energy could be draining on one side and refilling on the other.

     

    What fuels the victim mode is feeling more like a victim.

     

    My energy system needs the opposite; I need to be with life giving energies, where change is seen as an opportunity to change.  Where you flow with life, greeting it as it is, and bending in nonresistance, where you look for answers and solutions.

     

    What is greatly interesting to me, it is not the individual bodies I resent, but their modalities of living life.

     

    My view of life is so completely different now. I no longer feel a victim to life, but instead a partner with my life.

     

    As I walk hand in hand with my life, I feel so grateful to be free of the life draining energies that engulfed me in my past and I now know what brings me energy or what steals it away.

     

    Living life from the inside out, I feel the differences between energy coming in and my energies leaving, how I feel with someone or how I feel when I leave.

     

    I love that I know this about me.

    I love knowing what is draining me and what fills me up.

     

    As a good body keeper it is my job to watch for energy drains and for what fills me up.

     

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  • My psyche was all wrong.

      

    What is the meaning of the word psyche?

     

    psyche /psy·che/ (si´ke)

     

    1. the human faculty for thought, judgment, and emotion; the mental life, including both conscious and unconscious processes; the mind in its totality

    distinguished from the body.

     

    2. the soul or self.psy´chic
    psy·che(s k) n. The mind functioning as the center of thought, emotion, and behavior and consciously or unconsciously mediating the body's responses to the social and physical environment.

     

    If I am reading this right, we have a body, then we have a psyche body that makes up our thoughts, judgments and emotions, our mental life, including the conscious, and unconscious.  And this mind body or psyche body mediates our body’s response to the social and physical environment.

     

    The mind body, what our minds have learned and are comprised of, which is why my brother feels that his psyche is so mixed up at times.

     

    If I am understanding this correctly, then in the case of being raised by dysfunctional parents we then get a dysfunctional psyche. 

     

    This dysfunctional psyche is what we think from, judge from and our emotions are set from this point.

     

    The psyche body is our mental us.  Our mental definitive description of us.

     

    Just as you have a physical body type and shape, we have a psyche type and shape.

     

    Our psyche then has to be the combination of thoughts, judgments and emotions we interpeted from our parents interactions and actions, we have mimicked their psyche.

     

    To change your psyche is to change your thoughts, judgments and emotional reactions.

     

    When I wrote a reply to my mother’s letter, it occurred to me that what she wants most, is for my emotional or my actions to be different with the incoming information.

     

    It isn’t what we see that is the issue, but how we react, she wants me to have my old sense of psyche, to have dysfunctional responses, to not feel the correct emotion, to not scream, cry and shout. 

     

    That is the twist, the backwards psyche we have developed.

     

    We have been taught to respond differently.

    We have been taught to think differently.

    We were taught to develop this psyche that isn’t healthy.

     

    My brother and I have been pushed back in our chairs in total bewilderment, angst and horror to see some of our beliefs, thoughts and just our overall mentalness.

     

    To see first hand, to awaken to the shocking observation that our psyche is totally flipped around and backwards.

     

    I had written Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor about her stroke of insight, and shared with her, mine.  What I related to her was that I had become aware of all the files that I had in my mind were totally screwed up.

     

    Here is what that email said;

     

     

    Dear Dr. Jill,

     

    Thanks so much for sharing your experience.  What I want you to know, this book also helps others, even ones who have no physical brain issues.

     

    When you discussed the two sides of the brain, and how each carries separate parts of how we experience our reality.  It explained to me, many things, that before I could not explain.

     

    I am a survivor of incest and have memory loss, of the actual event.

     

    Now, I know that in order to disassociate from those events, I made my files different from reality.

     

    I am 49, and at 46, my niece was brave enough to speak up that her grandfather, my father, was molesting her.  It was then, that I had a stroke of insight.  My stroke of insight was that all my 'files' were wrong. Truth and reality shattered my world!

     

     Truth and reality, hard to believe that they could be harmful.

     

    They were, to my left- brain.

    It forced me into the right side.

    It was the right side that brought me security and comfort, while I sorted out my life.

     

     Files with the labels, father, love, mother, and Normal, were all shattered. My whole world had been created with wrong information.

     

     I have in the past three years, walked through each file, and compare my old beliefs and knowing, with what is really reality.

     

    It was like going to find myself, when I didn't know who I was, or even what I believed in.

     

     Your book, shared physical insights into what the brain is capable of doing.  I loved how you said the left side would take minimal information and create the most plausible truths.

     

     It can actually create whatever it wants to…. What it creates is a dysfunctional relation with reality.  Has you seeing what is not there, and not seeing what is.

     

    Creates an untruthful place that allows you to be with people who are bad for you.  And sadly, it takes the good and turns it bad.

     

     I said that I found myself upside down and backwards, but for the first time felt right side up. For you see, I could not, as an adult get physically close to my father.  Something in me, kept me back.

     

    My body feared him, but I had no words/pictures of why.

     Now, I know I was reading his energy.

     

    The world was not upside down and backwards my left brain had created it that way. I lived in the left side, until Dec 4th, 2004, when truth exploded.

     

     The right side, reality and truth, led me out of a wilderness of dysfunction. My disassociation had kept me from me.

    I have now found me, the Me that ran away when terror stepped into my world and stole my innocence and a normal view of reality.

     

     I am right side up, and my family is still upside down.  They are still lost on the left side, in files that are all wrong, compared to what is really happening.

     

     Thank you so much and again, you have no idea of how much you can help so many, whose files have been wrongly labeled depending upon the adults that raised them.

     

     My sister had aptly put it, "we were left alone in our minds, without adult supervision"…..

     

    She was right; we created the most plausible reason, with the least amount of information.  Children who have no idea what sex is, will do that. Sex with a father is way confusing to an adult, let alone to a child.

     

    When you live on the left with files filled with information that is

     incorrect, you continue to live a life of abuse.

     For file labeled love, is full of abuse.

     File labeled security, is full of none secure places.

     

    You book could shed light on why……and maybe teach others “not to trust “ the left side, like we do.

    The left side is built upon the platform called home.

    If your home is not in the truth, neither will your files be.

     

    More and more mental diseases have to be from that basis.

    Children grow up upside down and backwards, trying to fit into an right side up world.

     

    When I began looking at my world, from the right side, and seeing what was really there, what I found, was a pedophile, a mental mother, siblings lost in dysfunctional lives, to me.  Me, who am I?  I had no idea. I found myself, a grown woman, with four children and a husband, living a life that had no basis in reality or truth.

     

    It has taken three years, to walk out.

    I am still a woman, with four children, and a husband.

    All my relationships, have changed.

     Like you, I want to help others, shed some light.

     I too feel like I was conscious going through this.

    Where as my siblings, were not.

    All but one, have continued to be lost.

     

    I know it as consciousness that saved me.

    I had more awareness to correct the files.

     

    Thanks for you time…..your book completed the puzzle, as to why and how I could not see, what was there!

     

    Sincerely,

      

    My stroke of insight was that my psyche was all wrong!

    Dr. Jill signature on her email says,

     

    *I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be.*

      ***Einstein***

     

     

     

     

     

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