I M Perfect lady

Tag: Nepo

  • I will Dance in Mine!

    "I am often surprised and humbled by how quickly in my insecurity I can begin to assume responsibility for all the wrongs and sufferings I see around me.  When thrown off-center, when old patterns return, when feeling exhausted or depressed, I so quickly become the exaggerated cause of all that is not right with the world."  

    "I know I am not alone in this.  Perhaps it is one of the laws of emotional weather; sudden lows result in isolated storms.  It has happened to me enough over the years that I have to acknowledge the power of Negative Self-Centeredness.  We typically think of the ego-centered as being conceited and self-inflated and quite selfish.  But this recurring struggle with exaggerated responsibility has made me realize that more often we are ego-centered with feeling deflated, when feeling shaken from our sense of oneness with things.  In that place of separation, we become darkly self-centered, blaming ourselves for not fixing things or making things right or for letting bad things happen. Underneath these self-recriminations is the grandiose assumption that we have the power, in the first place, to control events that are really beyond any human being's influence."

    "Certainly, we affect each other, and often, but to assume that other people's inner moods hinge on my presence is an egocentric way to keep myself in a cycle of sacrifice and guilt.  Further, to assume that another's condition or way of being in the world hinges on my presence is the beginning of self-oppression and co-dependence.  In extreme moments of negative self-centeredness, we can assume magical proportions of burden, in which we feel acutely responsible for a loved one's illness or misfortune because we weren't good enough or perfect enough."  Mark Nepo

    In the past few days, okay 53 years, I have experienced this negative self-centeredness.  It is truly an awful feeling…feeling responsible for others…I just had not thought of how incredibly "special" I was trying to make myself and then how "unspecial" the other feels…when I take on their responsibilities.

    However I have been getting better at dropping the responsibility and letting others carry themselves.  Yet, there are moments when I do pick them up for a few days and carry them along. And it is true, I do see them as less while I carry them.

    And at first glance, at least to me, it seems harsh to not pick them up…when with my limited knowledge it seems they "Need" me…(even if they have not asked…)

    My body has bore the brunt of this negative self-centeredness and it responds quickly when my mind stirs up another's life…I get a sharp clutching knot in my neck…the strain of mentally being responsible in a life that isn't mine.

    In yoga today, I had a mantra, that I released in different poses, to let go of the tightness of being in control, while clearly not capable of being…"I am responsible just for me!"….or "I am not responsible in other lives."

    If I had to boil down my dysfunction to one pattern that I repeat time and time again, it is this one.  Negative Self Centeredness. 

    Who knew that in jumping into lives I was pushing in ahead them and their God and Universe…wow.

    Hard to justify the two…for at first glance it appears to be 'helpful'…caring even…when I was actually putting them down as I got in front of their God.

    What I do love, is that at the end of the day, and the end of tossing around thoughts in my head, all I am responsible for is Me.

    Today I pushed aside the cape of rescuing someone by being responsible, and focused instead on my Art. Thankfully I have a place I can go that will shove aside the voices urging me to don my cape and get involved. 

    Here is what I did instead of playing God in someone's life today…

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    I love the Ladies dancing to their own beat…For each of us hears life and move in the way we feel best.

    Dance to the feelings of your Life…and I will dance in mine!

     

     

  • A spiritual experience for me.

    "We often underestimate the power of giving voice, but it is real and sustaining.  It is the basis of all song.  It is why prisoners break into song.  It is why the blues are sung, even when no one is listening.  It is at the heart of all hymns and mantras."

    "And it works its healing not so much by being heard as by the fact that in giving voice to what lives within, even through the softest whisper, we allow the world of spirit to soften our pain.  In this way, the smallest moan is in itself a lullaby. In giving voice to what we feel, the darkest cry uttered with honesty can arrive as the holiest of songs."  Mark Nepo

    I love, "the darkest cry uttered with honesty can arrive as the holiest of songs."  My honesty in writing about sexual abuse does feel very holy to me, even if the topic itself isn't.  And writing about my experiences with the FALC and how its applications kept dysfunction going, also feel more holy than anything I heard in church.

    It isn't the topic that is written about, but the energy of honesty and integrity.

    And to me, the greatest songs and words ever spoken are those whispered or cried in total honesty.  I felt at one with God the day I began walking my truth…giving voice to how I feel, even if what I had to say was not welcomed by many, it was a spiritual experience for me.

     

     

  • Live where I was Planted.

    "In nature, we are quietly given countless models of how to give ourselves over to what appears dark and hopeless, but which ultimately is an awakening. This moving through the dark into blossom is the threshold of God."

    "As a seed buried in the earth cannot imagine itself as an orchid or hyacinth, neither can a heart packed with hurt imagine itself loved or at peace.  The courage of the seed is that once cracking, it cracks all the way."  Mark Nepo

    Nature truly is remarkable Grace.  

    Nature is the only place I clung to when the rest of my world was falling apart. It demonstration time and time again as  how to live life.  

    It is perfectly orchestrated and never resists…but flows in harmony.  Each part of nature stands as itself in its full glory.  It doesn't know how to be fake or pretend…it just is.

    Watching nature helped me be me…to find peace and live where I was planted.

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    Photograph by Hannah Jukuri

  • Acknowledgement of Hurting.

    "Unintended hurt is as common as branches snapped in wind. But it is the unacknowledged hurt that becomes a wound."  Mark Nepo

    I believe we all will hurt others and be hurt…as long as we are living and in relationships.  It is the unacknowledged hurt that wounds us.

    "Even if our awareness of being hurtful comes years after delivering the hurt, the smallest word or gesture – owning what we've done – can reopen the heart."  Mark Nepo

    I was sexually abused as a child, but no one ever acknowledged that they hurt me.  It is the unacknowledged hurt that wounded me.

    Even when it all came to light 40 years later, silence stood in the place of acknowledgement.

    I have often felt it wasn't enough to acknowledge how I mistreated and hurt my children with my angry words and general dysfunctional mothering…this lesson today has shown me, that in owning how I hurt them, began the closing of the wound and opening of our hearts.

    This is the opening I was waiting to enter…the acknowledgement of the pain they caused me…would have allowed my heart to reopen.  

    That is the difference, the dividing factor between estrangement and growing closer…Acknowledgement of hurting.

     

  • Feelings feel felt.

    "The fastest way to freedom is to feel your feelings."  Gita Bellin

    "This sounds pretty simple, but though it's easy to know you have feelings, easy to know their weight and agitation and suddenness of mood, it is another, more subtle matter to feel them – that is, to let them penetrate your being in the way wind snaps through a flag."

    "This is necessary because if we don't feel our feelings all the way through, they never leave us, and then we do all kinds of unusual things to get out from under them.  This is the cause of many an addiction."

    "I've diverted myself many times by becoming involved in what surrounds my pain or sadness, while never feeling the thing itself.  So, when someone asks me how I feel, I wind up retelling the circumstances of the pain, but not feeling it.  Or strategizing what to do next, but  not feeling it. Or anticipating reactions, but not feeling what is mine to feel.  Or swimming in the anger and injustice, but not diving through the wound."

    "Though we fear it, feeling our feelings is the only clear and direct way to free our hearts of pain."  Mark Nepo

    How appropriate to have this reading this morning.  Feeling our feelings seems like it would be impossible to do, yet I quickly get caught up in the current of anger and injustice, the wide and swirling river of it…unexpressed feelings from long long ago.

    It seems that river never runs dry.

    What I believe happens is that if you can't feel as a child, then as an adult, you don't just feel this moment of feelings, but all the similar type feelings of the past pile upon  each other to be expressed.

    So, instead of being mildly put out, I am outraged.

    Instead of feeling a bit overlooked, I feel totally neglected.

    The wealth of feelings that I have to feel, truly feel like 50 years worth of bottled up negativity…and even joy.  

    Overreacting is standard for me…for in the past I under felt.

    I never felt all the way through feelings…

    And sadly, the more traumatic, the less I ventured in.  Now all feelings feel like tragedies are looming.  Simplistic and typical pulls and pushes of parent and teenage child, feel to me like I am being abused, again.

    Feelings stored in me find opportunities to be expressed…so of course it is in relationships that they line up, pushing and shoving to come out.

    Separating the old feelings from the new is very tricky.

    Letting out and airing the childhood wounds AND not inflicting wounds upon my children is crucial.  The two can't be joined…yet it seems this is where my expressing happens.  I get a voice of expression, but at the wrong time…

    When someone labeled feelings "Time travelers"….they were right.

    I am saying what I needed to say, but 50 years too late.

    How do I now feel them all the way through, without subjecting my children with their expression?  How do you get them to rise to the surface without something/someone prompting them?  Is it possible to get them to rise by myself? Is it possible to feel them, without a label?

    In yoga feelings arise without labels….I feel.

    In real life feelings are triggered, labeled.  Does it matter?

    Am I like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode?  Is yoga the place to defuse that bomb? Writing and acknowledging and knowing is good, but it is when I get an emotional response that the feelings feel felt.

     

  • Be a Surprise

    "I know that over the years, through fear and expectation, my mind has gathered and hoarded places I needed to go, things I needed to have, selves I needed to be.  But here I am, without most of them – the goals and wants all used up in learning how to love."

    "So, try as I do to imagine and construct where I am headed, try as I will to plan and know what this life of feeling means, it is the pulse of what I feel itself that lifts me into spirit.  In truth, wings don't grow any differently to fit south or east or west, and our lives,  no matter how we train ourselves are more fundamental than any direction of worldly ambition.  We, like birds, are meant to fly and sing – that's all – and all our plans and schemes are twigs of nest that, once outgrown we leave."  Mark Nepo

    What I took away from today's reading, is that no matter what we think we need to be doing or where we think we should be, all we can do is live where we are right now and do so fully being with what is.

    It matters not if you have goals or destinations, in order to get there you live.

    You live whether you have lofty goals or not, whether you have intelligent wants, or righteous destinations.  You live.  

    For me the more I concentrated on goals or end games, the less I lived right now, for I was living for a certain outcome. Bypassing this day, focusing on the one over there.

    Now I just live and an outcome happens.  Often times a surprise destination appears.

    It seems rather careless in a world that wants you to keep in mind your destination and to groom your life to assure you end up where you planned on going…to NOT plan, but live.

    In my past, this moment in time was just something to overlook, for my mind was focused on the goal….tomorrow, when, and If.

    When you live staring at the horizon, you miss what is right here, right now.

    The sights, the smells, the sounds, the people…all the opportunities to be alive and engaged in living.

    It truly doesn't matter where we end up, for there are so many days and hours to live before we get there.  Some how we feel that  when we get there life will begin, when in actuality, living in this day is to live.

    Living in this day has to matter more than any lofty goal in mind.

    If you can't fully live this day, you are wasting days waiting for the goal to appear.

    We somehow have been sold a bill of goods called, goals, dreams etc…that steal our attention from living today.

    Maybe it is when your future starts to shrink, that you can see how fruitless it was.  

    What good is a goal if all the days leading up to it your not living, but counting the days till you arrive.  Imagine all the days spent and passed by, giving up for this goal.  It is like the goal has stolen your everyday life.

    Living without staring at goals or focusing on a certain outcome, will allow you to live and breathe better in this day.

    Imagine how you could live today, IF it didn't have to be a step towards a goal.

    You could be careless and things wouldn't matter if they fit into the 'plan'.

    You could be a live living work of art…where you truly don't know how you will end up when you get 'there'.  Live without a firmly painted goal or pictured outcome.

    Live… allowing the ending to be a surprise.  

     

     

     

     

  • In Control Within the Flow

    Today's reading, March 21,in the Book of Awakening, by Mark Nepo "To Harbor and Release"  I love this one.

    "Often the pain of resisting makes us rust like iron, and in order to re-enter the flow of life, we need to be scraped back to our original surface.  Our feelings, if not released, bread the heart with their grit. Like windows filmed by weather, we wait on loving hands to be rubbed clear.  It is inevitable.  Experience covers us over, and the expressive journey lets us come clean to the table of light. Again."

    "All things in existence participate in this involuntary cycle.  For human beings, the process of living stains us repeatedly with the grit of being here, with heartache and disappointment and the pointedness of being human, which can sicken us if harbored or make us whole if released.  Again and again, we, more than any other life form, have this majestic and burdensome power to harbor or release the impact of our experience."

    "Humbly, we are asked to keep the flow real between what is taken in and what is let out.  We have only to breathe to remember our place as a living inlet.  Experience in, feelings out.  Surprise and challenge in, heartache and joy out.  In a constant tide, life rushes in, and in constant release, we must let it all run back off.  For this is how the earth was made magnificent by the sea and how mankind is carved upright, again and again, by the ocean of spirit that sets us free."  Mark Nepo

    What we have to remember, what we take in, we have to let out.  I love, "Experience in, Feelings out."  This one sentence alone says so much.

    I believe that children who were abused in childhood, learn to experience and not to let the feelings out. We instead try and hold our feelings inside and do so til we explode in various ways.

    Rarely are children allowed to express their feelings after being sexually abused or physically abused.  We experience and then we have no outlet.

    This alone has created an unnatural way of being human. To take in things in silence our of fear of reprisals, is living half way.  This is how the rust builds upon us. And in my experience, only by expressing what has gone unexpressed, do we clear away the layers of film upon us.

    The natural process of Experience in, Feelings out, is disrupted in abuse and this alone is the cause of so much disease and violence…we are out of control, out of order, not able to work correctly.

    The term harboring resentment came to mind.  I didn't know that when we don't express our feelings (release them) we are harboring.  

    I had truckloads of expressions to release, and in the beginning they flowed like a rushing river, tumbling over each other, with volumes raised, they tore out of me…held back so long their force near violent in the outward flow.

    While it had to be shocking and out of character for others to witness this of me, it felt extremely healing to say what I had failed to say…for years.

    I wasn't the most prolific or articulate or kind as the words came rushing out, but I was scraping off the rust of old feelings I hadn't felt.  Some were not so pleasant or kind themselves…and all had to be felt in order to be released.

    Now, it is my intention to not let layers of unexpressed or unfelt emotions pile up upon myself, for it feels heavy and a burden to carry…so whatever I experience, I let my feelings out…I don't like holding on to feelings.  

    Harboring your feelings seems safer when you have been abused…we learn to keep them in order to get along and for sheer survival for some.  

    Abuse teaches us to live only taking in…never in a healthy release.

    I am still learning how to release.  Sometimes it still comes out very fearful or childlike in expression, but to me…it isn't about the delivery, but rather that they get out.  Maybe over time, with enough space and healing, I will be able to release them with a graceful kind and compassionate delivery…and not the hurried careless abandon that often rushes out.

    I will find my natural releasing stance…that isn't totally harboring or rushing abandon…but rather a fearless authenticity, beautiful yet powerful, in control within the flow. 

     

     

     

     

     

  • Completely whole all alone.

    In Mark Nepo's Book, "The Book of Awakening" for March 18th, 

    The Life of the Caretaker.

    "Accept this gift, so I can see myself as giving."

    "I have been learning that the life of a caretaker is as addictive as the life of an alcoholic.  Here the intoxication is the emotional relief that temporarily comes when answering a loved one's need.  Though it never lasts, in the moment of answering someone's need, we feel loved.  While much good can come from this, especially for those the caretaker attends, the care itself becomes the drink by which we briefly numb a worthlessness that won't go away unless constantly doused by another shot of self-sacrifice."

    "It all tightens until what others need is anticipated beyond what is real, and then, without any true need being voiced, an anxiety to respond builds that can only be relieved if something is offered or done. At the heart of this is the every present worry that unless doing something for another there is no possibility of being loved.  So, the needs of others stand within reach like bottles behind a bar that, try as he or she will, the caretaker cannot resist."

    "I have experienced this even in the simple issue of calling a loved one while away from home.  Even when no one expects to hear from me, I can agonize over whether to call.  Often, unable to withstand the discomfort of not registering some evidence of my love, I will end up going to great lengths to call."

    " In truth, caretaking, though seeming quite generous, is very self-serving, and its urgent self-centeredness prevents a life of genuine compassion.  In all honesty, to heal from this requires as rigorous a program of recovery as alcoholics enlist, including sponsors who will love us for who we are."

    "Within one's self, the remedy of spirit that allows for true giving resides somewhere in the faith to believe that each of us is worthy of love, just as we are."  Mark Nepo

    This is my disease.  This is where I felt my greatest hits of love and self worth, by how and to whom I gave.  I gave to get…I needed to be needed in order to feel worthy.  

    When I discovered this within me, I had to quit cold turkey…to stop giving with an agenda in hand.  I truly and completely felt the sentiments of "Accept this gift, so I can see myself as giving."

    I was unable to sustain my own self worth without a second party gushing or being grateful for what I had done.  My inner well of worthiness was nonexistent. Without doing for others, I was empty.

    It was very hard to purposefully not give.  I felt horrible and mean and uncaring.  The worse I felt, the more I knew how backwards I had giving.

    To give with the freedom of no returns was not something I had ever done.

    All my giving came with very fine print…."I give to make me feel special".

    I had to turn all my giving inward, to become a self contained container of worthiness, without using other people's needs to keep me afloat.

    My greatest sense of self was gained by giving…and my biggest hits of love came from what I did, not from who I was.

    It was horrifying to see that all or most of me was built outside of me…and the only way to find my true love of self, was to no longer give to be worthy.

    I had to become worthy by doing nothing for others…until my own well of worth was full.  

    The freedom of having your own well of worth is hard to explain…to be a self contained unit.  To have an inner source, a well spring of worthiness inside, to have it fed from the inside out…is to live a life completely different.

    One is empty…and forever seeking a new hit of worth.

    The other is full of self worth…self love and completely whole all alone.

     

     

  • Truthful to Respond to.

    "True inner responsibility centers on our willingness to give voice to whatever is happening to us in the midst of a relationship. This is important both for you and the person you are relating to.  If you are not present, there is nothing to respond to.  And love only becomes real in the world through our ability to respond.  Bringing who you are to a relationship – being your True Self- gives other the opportunity to transcend their limitations by acting on their love.  It gives the other person a chance to show up."  Mark Nepo

    What I hadn't considered is that it takes two people to be present in a relationship, to honesty voice their feelings… 

    While I knew this instinctively, I didn't know that there was an actual formula or general rule.  When I voiced my new-found truth or honesty, it then offered to others the chance to do the same. 

    Most however, opted not to respond in-kind.  

    So, while I have carried the full ownership of many relations falling to the wayside, what I hadn't considered is that I didn't have nothing to respond to when they failed to respond back.

    "So, while we dread voicing our fears and hurts to one another, love has no way of being acted on without something truthful to respond to."  Mark Nepo

    This paragraph alone sets me free…I didn't have anything truthful to respond to.


  • Lies Control You.

    "Beauty is Truth, Truth Beauty – that is all you know on earth, and all you need to know."  John Keats

    And Mark Nepo writes, "This is "all you need to know."  Beauty, wherever we find it, is the salve that keeps us vital and fresh.  But Truth, in its uncompromised and naked story, no matter how harsh, has a Beauty all its own that is cleansing."

    "This is why we must remember the Holocaust and other atrocities exactly as they were. This is why it is essential to bear honest witness to our own naked stories."

    "Still, as wise as the message he came upon is, there is an equal lesson in how young Keats came upon it.  For only by voicing our tender pains can we find our way to the deeper Beauties and Truths that like ropes and wheels can carry us."  Mark Nepo

    Truth, in its uncompromised and naked story, no matter how harsh, has a Beauty all its own that is cleansing."

    What I love the most about the truth, is that it is uncompromising and in that alone, it cleanses me…it is the most beautiful part of the truth, is that it is unrelenting.  And it is the Truth, and it doesn't need anyone to believe it to make it so.  It just is.

    Don Miguel Ruiz and Janet Mills write about Common Sense, in their book, "The Voice of Knowledge".

    "Common Sense exists in all of us, but we cannot see it with our attention focused on the lies we believe."

    "Lies make everything complicated, when the truth is very simple.  I think now is the time to return to the truth, to common sense, to the simplicity of life itself.  Now we know that the lies are so powerful that they blind us. Well, the truth is so powerful that when we finally return to the truth, our entire reality changes. Truth brings us back to paradise, where we experience a strong communication of love with God, with life, with all of creation."

    "When you release your faith from all the lies, the result is that you free your will.  And when your will is free, you can finally make a choice. The voice in your head gives you the illusion that you can make a choice, that you have free will.  Well, do you really believe that it's your conscious choice to hurt yourself, to make yourself suffer, to reject and abuse yourself?  How can you say that you have free will when you choose to hurt the people you love, when you judge your partner or make them miserable with your judgement?"

    "Just imagine if you really have free will, which is the power to make your own choices. Do you really choose to sabotage your own happiness or your own love?  Do you choose to judge yourself, to blame yourself, to live your life in shame and in guilt?  Do you choose to believe that you are bad, that you are not beautiful, that you don't deserve to be happy or healthy or prosperous because you are not worth it? Do you choose to constantly fight with the people you love the most?  If you have free will, you choose the opposite. I think it is obvious that our will is not free."

    "When you put your faith in truth instead of in lies, your choices change. When your will is free, your choices come from your integrity, not from the program, that liar in your head.  Now you believe whatever you want to believe, and when you have the power to believe whatever you want, something very interesting happens. What you want is to love. You don't want anything else but love because you know that what is not love is not the truth!"

    "When your will is free, you choose happiness and love and peace and harmony.  You choose to play; you choose to enjoy life. You no longer choose drama.  If in the present moment you are choosing drama, it's because you have no choice; it's a habit. It's because you were programmed to be that way, and you don't even know that you have the power to make a different choice. Something else in your head is making the choice, and it's the voice of the liar. Just like the man in the movie A Beautiful Mind, whose visions made the choices for him, your voice is making the choices for you."

    "Why would we consciously decide to have a fight with our parents or our children or our beloved?  It's not that we want to fight. You know, when we are children and we gather with other children, it's because we want to have fun and enjoy life.  When we grow up and decide to get into a relationship – mainly a romantic relationship – is it because we want to create emotional pain and drama?  No, common sense tells us that we want to play together; we want to have fun exploring life together.  But the Prince of Lies who controls the voice of knowledge represses our common sense."

    "Common Sense is wisdom, and wisdom is different from knowledge.  You are wise when you no longer act against yourself. You are wise when you live in harmony with yourself, with your own kind, with all of creation."

    "Right now you have a choice.  What are you going to do with this information?  What happens if you don't believe in lies?  Take a moment to put your attention on your feelings, to feel all of the possibilities for your life if your faith is no longer blind.  If you recover your faith from lies, your suffering is over, your judgments are over. You no longer live with guilt, with shame and anger, with jealousy.  You no longer have the need to be good enough for anybody, including yourself. You accept what you are, whatever you are, even if you don't know what you are.  And you don't care to know anymore. It's not important to know, and that is wisdom."

    "Just imagine that because you don't believe in lies, your whole life changes.  You live your life without trying to control everybody around you,  and your integrity doesn't allow anybody to control you. You no longer jduge other people or need to complain aobut whatever they do because you know you can't control what people do.  Just imagine that you choose to forgive whoever hurt you in your life because you no longer want to carry all that emotional poison in your heart. And just by forgiving everybody, even yourself, you heal your mind, you heal your heart, and you no longer have emotional pain."

    "Just imagine that you recover the power to make your own choices because you no longer believe the storyteller. You enjoy life with plentitude, with inner peace, with love.  Imagine how you treat your partner, how you treat your children, what you teach the new generation, if you no longer believe in lies.  Just imagine the change in the whole of humanity out of something so simple; not believing in lies."  Don Miguel, Janet Mills.

    I have lived completely blind with my faith tucked securely behind the lies; believing in that which wasn't true and it hurt and many suffered because of my blindness.  And for some reason, I was granted awareness to see the lies.  Unless you can spot a lie, you will not be able to see the truth. And when you can't see the truth, the lies control you.