I M Perfect lady

Tag: one

  • Love will never leave you Powerless.

    In the past seven years, my brother and I have been dialoguing and most often coming to the same point, but from two different directions.  But we have always honored and respected each other enough to only speak our truths, even if and when that truth landed in unsettling ways…it seemed that we needed each of our sides in order to fully embrace and know the lay of the land.

    Our conversations often times are batting words and definitions around, trying to understand where the other is coming from.  For while we were raised in the same house, we came out differently, but the same. We both walked forth dysfunctional, yet displayed it in two different ways.

    I have been telling him for many many years, that he is Authentically Dysfunctional, and it meant to me that he was bravely owning all of his abuse and how it left him…and how he has done extremely remarkable in undoing the damage by learning to function in reality.

    What he heard was he could never not be Dysfunctional.  What I had implied was that he was openly dysfunctional and recovering his functions.

    For what I believe is the heart or root cause of the term Dysfunctional, is that you are unable to function correctly in a situation, that you do odd things instead of what nature would do.

    Our Function as a human being, no longer functions correctly; our systems begin to operate backwards.

    We are drawn to people who hurt us, instead of being repelled away.

    The complexities of living backwards is mountainous; our whole lives are lived blindly hurting ourselves and blaming others.

    We can't function on our own.

    We need others to change so we can be okay.

    We have lost the connection inside of us to move away.

    In abuse, when someone overpowers us, especially someone we love and trust, we become powerless to them.  We are then left minus the switch to move away.

    To function means you have your power back.  You can move towards and away from people and behaviors that don't feel okay to you…You become unfrozen.

    Without this switch, you are dysfunctional.  You can't function and be the one to move.  You are left in a place without legs.

    The Function of a victim is to be powerless, unable to move, frozen without choices.  Many folks get stuck in this position after abuse, especially if the abuser is your caretaker.  We simply are left without a choice, we can't move, so we grow up in the position of being powerless.

    Being powerless and being unable to move is the function of a victim, and a victim we will remain, until we can move.

    While my whole family of origin sees me as being cold bitter, angry and stuck, it is actually the complete opposite.  I am free and functional for the first time since my father's abuse.  I lived as a victim for 4o years, and now in the last 7 have been working to become functioning as a natural human being.

    I now have the ability to move away from folks who hurt me, who bring toxic energy…

    In order to function again, you first have to see where you are unable to move…where you are a victim, where you haven't moved away from abuse…That is my meaning of being authentically dysfunctional; you have to be real with what is not working in your life.

    If you cannot see your self in prison, you can't set your self free.

    And I do believe, that it is easier at times to stay prisoner in a life that you know, compared to walking free into one that you don't know.  

    Just as in the experiment of mice, who were raised in a shock box, one that would emit shocks in order for them to eat…when they were given two choices, a box without shocks and food or one with, they all chose to continue with what they were used to.

    I do get that it is easier to continue being shocked than it is to learn a new way of being.  It is easier to sit in the jail and be a victim, than it is to walk free.

    But the bottom line, is that you and you alone decide to move your switch or to let it be.  Once you know, you can't not know…and once you know, you are willingly being a victim, and then, IS that really a victim or are you now an active participant?

    Being authentically dysfunctional is admitting you can't function…and in acknowledging you are unable to function, is the first function of becoming functional.

    If you can't see where you lost your power, you can't get it back…it remains lost.  

    Sometimes, it is hard to get your power back from those who took it in the first place, harder still if you believe love is attached.  But here is what I know for sure, love will never leave you powerless.

    (Dysfunction, equals no power, which then adds up to no love.)

     

     

  • Valley of Evil

    Reporting – is to tell about what happened: to give information about something that has happened, an account or statement describing in detail an event, situation, or the like, usually as the result of observation, inquiry, etc

    How well do you report your life? What is your observation deck, is it the mind or can you step back and witness the whole scene and see your part in the mix of the whole?
    Can you report from your inner view and share all the details, or do you gloss over the rough spots and expand on the lighter moments.

    Are you an in depth reporter and can you speak your own truths, do you even know your own details? Do you dare become an investigating reporter in your own life?

    It seems we are more comfortable in the valley between both truths, yours and mine.
    A place where life is lived on the thin surface, where feelings are not shown and reported, where no hard questions are asked or expected, where details are of weather, dress and food…the space where life isn’t happening.

    What I find so interesting is that the truths from both sides fly over this valley are heard but not believed, are seen but overlooked, are felt but quickly numbed, it is the place where truths are not held and they quickly are ignored.

    No one expects you to hold on to reality in the valley, it will ruin many a pretend relationship if you do so.

    The perceptions from here are very distorted and absent of truthful facts, a report that leaves out the most pertinent information for the goal of the valley is to be kind and loving…at all costs, even if means leaving reality behind.

    At times it seems that I am living in a dual world, where people speak a totally different language than I and that I can see and hear what others blatantly overlook, it is like I am a reporter of reality and they are reporters from the valley’s floor where they don’t hold on to facts as being real.

    My mother had said we have two perceptions and she was totally right, in her world truths were known but not held, they were looked at quickly but not dwelled upon, so life could return as quickly as possible back to ‘normal’.

    My perception is much different, I report differently, I see things and hear things that I do not disregard.

    The meaning of the word Perception.

    Perceptions -perceiving: the process of using the senses to acquire information about the surrounding environment or situation result of perceiving: the result of the process of perception impression: an attitude or understanding based on what is observed or thought.

    Interesting to know that perception comes from the process of using the senses.

    Using your senses…but what happens if you are detached and disconnected from your feelings, then what? What will you then use to guide your peceptions or how right on can they be?

    It is interesting to know that we all percieve the world based upon our connection to our own inner sense of self.

    The further from your self you are, the further off base is your perception. And to me, the more you disregard your truths, the further from self you go and the more off base are your perceptions and more you out of line with reality you go and deeper into the valley of pretend.

    I was a residence of this valley for 46 years while living in reality, I had no clue that my perceptions at that time were distorted, that they did not match reality, but instead fit perfectly with the image in my head.

    When the image in my head exploded it left me standing in the valley of pretend but aware…aware of how off my perceptions had been.

    I was aware of all the distortions, all the false images, it was like waking up in a nightmare, where all the good became evil and the evil good…where truths became my friends instead of my enemies.

    All the things that were kept hidden were revealed, to see the old sins resurface unharmed, truth flooded into the valley in my mind, there was no place to hide.
    I was flooded with awareness of how unaware I was.

    The view of the valley of looks very different standing on mountains of truth, it looked like the valley of evil.

  • Peace Inside.

    It occurred to me yesterday, that I was like a ghost who refused to leave the scene of a tragedy, a tragedy that I died in, that I was not aware yet that I was dead, that I was lingering around waiting, not willing face it was over.

    Facebook allows me to have a portal into lives I am not a part of, and they in mine, without fully connecting in a real one on one, face to face, heart to heart, truth to truth, feelings to feelings, actions to actions, a real life body & soul connection.

    We are ghosts in each other’s lives.

    I am sure we can be haunted by these exchanges or we can be inspired.

    It occurred to me, what would happen if I did not have these portals what would I really know about my family, for in reality I don’t have body-to-body interactions?

    It is both a blessing and a curse to have this window into their worlds, I had thought that I was better off than Edna and Thelma, that I had this thread into their worlds, and now I am re-thinking that.

    What is it keeping alive?
    A relationship or the evidence that there isn’t one there?

    I am sure it is as hurtful to them as it is to me, the misunderstanding that cuts deeply each time we see their written words.

    Words online, the ghost connection, with great amounts of energy connected.

    It’s the energy I feel more than the words.

    The energy is alive and electric, cutting and decisive, very much a one-way street, no U-Turns here it screams.

    No one is willing to turn around and make a new choice, not me and not them.

    Our streets are running parallel but disconnected.

    A cement wall running between us broken now and again with facebook, a portal opens and we can see what the other is doing.

    Two roads.

    One road traveled by many, one road traveled by few.

    How can I know what it feels like to travel their road, I can’t. I can only write about mine.

    My road is leaving a family of dysfunction.
    Their road is traveling with family.

    Each of us took the road our hearts and souls directed.

    They say I chose this road, but the road chose me.

    A road that began as a very little girl…

    This road I am on was not an option then, but it was offered to me on December 4th.

    Something within me came alive, aware and alert; a voice of truth woke up.

    It spoke and I followed.

    The Universe and I walk this road, the road back to my true self.

    I am sorry we can’t agree, but it can’t be so, you can’t win the world and gain a soul.

    I know to the depth of my being you all can’t see and understand my walking, that what I say is hurtful and it is not intended to be, that my blog say things that don’t feel good, but guess what, the truth first hurt me.

    It hurt me to know what I had to know, to see what I had to see, to feel what I had to feel, yet in doing so it put me on the road to my soul.

    The soul of me, the spirit of my little girl is alive and well within me…even though this road is hard and misunderstood, it is the only road for me.

    I hope your road fills your soul, makes you dance and shine, gives you life and feeds your passion, that you are walking hand and hand with your truth. There is nothing more I can want for you is for you to be at Peace inside.

  • One Real Me

    “How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg?  Four.  Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.”   

    ~Abraham Lincoln

     

    I love the simplicity of how this shows you can name anything you want, but that doesn’t make it so.

     

    I have been learning about my self, a part of me that I didn’t even know existed, it was like I was a tail, but was called a leg.

     

    I knew myself the best as a leg, and I created a life as a leg, learned how to live and be and love and enjoy life, as a leg and I was really a tail.

     

    It isn’t that neither is wrong or right, except that if you are one thing and think you are something else, then it is.

     

    That is where the psychological damage is done.

     

    Somehow it slipped my attention for 46 years that I was not who I knew myself to be.

     

    It is beyond what a thought can hold to not know that you didn’t know that you are not what you thought you were.

     

    Its like my only normal was to be two things, yet could only see one of them, I saw me as a leg, yet I acted like a tail.

     

    The two were never fully in my awareness at one time. 

     

    I am now working to merge the two selves inside so that I become one real me.