My last post was tearing apart the difference between Guilty and Innocence.
It is my belief that you can only pick one of these emotions, you don’t get to be both.
It is nearly impossible to feel the freedom of innocence while walking around with a half- ton weight of guilt inside.
How do you rid yourself of guilt, how does it just simply disappear?
My brother has this huge package that he has been dragging around since he was four.
I am urging him to let go of the package, yet his hands and mind hold on tighter or so it seems.
His body is having spasms of retching trying to get rid of the feelings of guilt, to the point of no breath and blacking out because of it.
How is this possible, what is the gagging trying to protect?
Inside of him there seems to be this very strong will to be guilty and the desire to be free of it is just as strong.
As I look back at my life, it was a daily battle it seemed to win my life back to snatch it back from the evil who controlled it for so long.
This has to sound insanely insane for those of you who haven’t experience being under the influence of evil.
It seems to be like a drug.
Under the influence of evil, to be in the grips of guilt, shame and blame, to hold yourself accountable and responsible for things that are beyond your control, is simply insane.
Yet to wrestle your self away from that, is like going against the magnetic pull, going against the vortex of life itself, or so it seems.
To swim up the rapids with your clothes on and the weight of the world is tied to your ankles.
It does leave you breathless.
It seems all currents are going against you, for you can’t clearly see the currents are actually trying to propel you outward and clear of the evil pull.
My brother has a clear understanding why it is that people do drugs, why they commit suicide, why it is that they themselves can’t live consumed by this energy.
He and I can’t seem to find the thread of freedom for him, what will it take to thrust him free and clear of the bonds that have him prisoner in his mind?
The strong hold the mind has on a body leaves me pushed back with a huge amount of respect for it, it is not a tool to deal with lightly.
The mind maybe the root of all evil, not money like it has been reported.
I understand that it is capable of psychic blindness, and it is capable of shielding a person’s innocence of stealing the moments of joy, of thrusting a person into states of total anxiety when nothing in the room warrants that.
The mind.
Neale Donald Walsh in one of his books said, “In order to experience the Ultimate Reality you have to be out of your mind.
What he doesn’t tell you nor can anyone, is how to get out of your mind.
My mind was controlled by an outer world, it followed without question religions that blessed monsters, and could erase actions with simple words, it had me blind and deaf following along.
What his mind seems to be doing is eclipsing reality or the good reality, it keeps looking for proof of his shame, blame and guilt. His mind can’t search for innocence.
His mind doesn’t recognize joy. This is a foreign language to the mad mind.
What breaks that and allows the Knowing to begin to come from the Right mind?
What gives? Who has to give up and cry Uncle?
It seems that each of us walk a separate and uniquely designed walk, one that will propel us into our greatness, one that leads us to the depth of hell to find it.
It is said, “your darkness is your divinity.” I wonder what that really means?
I do recall being so out of control, so lost, so upside down and out of tools to help me, I was simply out of rope to reel myself back in.
I think I let go.
I recall feeling so helpless and hopeless, but surprised I was still alive.
Surprised that when I wasn’t so in control, that life still moved on.
I recall a friend whose husband had died, and she said she lay on the couch and willed herself to go ‘mental’ to just simply fall into an abyss of no longer knowing.
She wanted so bad to no longer know and no longer feel and no longer be, instead a child would cry and she would have to get up and deal.
Life seemed to move her along anyway.
She wasn’t in control of losing it.
I wonder if my brother would feel better knowing that he wasn’t in control of losing it or not losing it, to simply let the Universe take control.
I remember feeling so vulnerable, but so free to let the Universe tell me how my story would end.
All it asked of me was to do this moment.
And this moment was all I could concentrate on.
I couldn’t think ahead.
I couldn’t feel ahead.
I didn’t want to know how this would all end, the total package, I didn’t want to be that lonely.
So, I just focused intently on this moment.
Forcing all thoughts of past and future far back from my mind.
I took control of my present and my mind fell back.
I sometimes had to scream and cry and fail, but I always struggle and felt I would die trying, but I got back up on the Present.
In each Present there is a gift.
The gift of Now, of being ok, right now, I could not know how long I was going to be ok, but for now I was.
Falling off the wagon of Now. That is what happens over and over and over again.
I simply would get up, and chase that wagon and get back on.
Over time, my mind understood this was not a battle I would succumb to easily. I simply would have gone completely and totally insane if I hadn’t had the present moment to keep me anchored.
Whether you feel guilty or innocent, can you at least stand in this moment?
Stand here.
Breathe here. Be here. Even with a messy mind, can you stand here? Don’t try to do more than just stand in this moment of time. Just this one small moment, then the next small moment, the momentum will carry you forward.
All we really are being asked is can you stand in this moment that is all.
I guess I left my guilt and my innocence up to the Universe.
I couldn’t carry it no more.
I just get to experience this moment.
Just this one for now, all I can handle now are just little tiny pieces of life, just one little moment at a time.
Come join me on this pinhead I call life.
Where we don’t know what will happen next, what will pop up, what will shine upon us this day.
Climb up and sit, we don’t care if you are guilty or innocent, we just care that you are here.
The Universe and I are waiting for you.
Will you hop up and sit awhile.
Sit in this moment of time.
Just this one little second called life.
Let the Universe breathe for you, let it decide what comes next, all we do is wait on this moment called Now.
For this moment let all your past go, let all your futures be, just take rest in this moment.
Rest in Peace is for the Living.
I M Perfect lady 