I M Perfect lady

Tag: seeing

  • Back to the Lake of Innocence.

    The previous post’s pictures articulate the changes, and how in fact the little girl continues to look the same, but now feels like that dirty lake resides inside of her, by the actions done to her and the lack of response.

    Prior to abuse entering into her world, her world is like Lake Superior on a beautiful summer day, calm, peaceful, relaxing, clean, fresh, beautiful, loving, kind, innocent…

    And then….

    (Recounting from the file)

    “He was always very nice, showing interest in me… he casually pulled me on his lap, real friendly like, a real laid back guy…but very strong…he would pull me onto his lap, he forcefully pulled me on his lap and then take my hand, held my hand, and place it over his erect penis that would be out of his long johns…if she tried to pull it away, he would very firmly put it back, rubbing his penis, while Ray would be doing this, other people would be in the room, including his wife. The same scenario happened, over and over again…”  Little girl voices…

    After abuse the world changes color, it is now darker, scarier and monsters lurk in kitchens and living rooms…friendly laid back guys can transform into monsters and then back again. No one seems to see the monster you are experiencing… It becomes this fluid ever changing landscape.

    And from the file, each girl spoke of my father’s transformation, of going from nice laid back neighbor man to a forcible pedophile.  The juxtaposition.

    What is missing is the transformation of the other adults.

    The wife, neighbors and minister continued on as normal.

    What is horrific is that they don’t become unglued…and transform into raging indignant people reeling about the injustice of such treatment of the innocent.

    We are left with double transformations.

    We wait to see our loving caring parent transform into rage at our abuse…and it doesn’t happen.

    So we then, watch or feel inside the disappearing love, trust and faith.

    It transforms from loving and caring, to caring less.

    Our world now holds people who are not who they say they are, there are flipping images and we can’t trust what we see anymore.

    The truth is, there is no truth.

    This is the awful state to be in, where you can’t trust the kind face of my father for lurking in the background is forcible contact with his penis.

    Double images.

    You can’t trust your mother’s high morals and values for when it comes to the real tough things in life, she is unable to stand tall, to come out swinging for you.

    She proclaims strong and comes out weak.

    She turns a blind eye towards your abuser, which translates to us, a blind eye on our abuse our wounds…

    If you don’t value your children, you don’t value anything.

    And when you don’t value the children, the children can’t value themselves. They literally see themselves in your eyes.

    What I saw in my parent’s eyes is the Lake of Sins…their sins.  I seen me through their eyes of sins…believing those eyes were talking about me, instead they were showing me who they were, and it had nothing to do with me.

    Their value became my value…they can’t make me precious and valuable…without it being within them first.

    “you can’t give what you don’t have…” seems like a lofty bit of wisdom the therapy world imparts, but I know form experience this is true.

    When I discovered my own innocence, I could then see my children with eyes of innocence…but first I had to see the abuse my parents gave to me.  I couldn’t hold them innocent, for when I did I was the problem.

    And what I know for sure is the girls; the little children who are forced to perform sexual acts are never the problem.  Not now, not ever.

    Until I held my father accountable, my innocence was not mine.

    This is very very tough for a child to do, for we want at all cost to keep a loving parent, a strong caring forceful in love parent, but instead we get parents who become strong in abuse and weak in love.

    Even at my old age, I still wanted to have a strong generation before me, I didn’t want to be stronger than the top, I wanted a soft place to fall, someone to rely upon, a warm embrace, a shelter from life storms…

    My healing and dealing and bearing the brunt of all ridicule and disdain is giving my children the parent I sought.

    I have to withstand all the storms that have been leveled at me to show my children and I how strong I am, that no matter who abuses…I can stand tough.

    I have stood against my father, my mother and all siblings who have openly and willingly supported and cared for them.  I have let family go for the sake of my own little girl inside and in doing so have secured an environment for my own children.

    I have transformed multiple times…innocent to abuse, to innocent again, from strong to weak and weak to strong, from loving to fear and fear to loving, from me to not me to back to me again.

    Back to the Lake of Innocence…

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  • What Isn’t There to See!


    To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have. 

     ~Ken S. Keyes

     

    We have two eyes and I am thinking we need to use them for two separate things; one to see what we have and the other what is missing.  I also suggest keep one eye working more than the other, perhaps even wear a patch over the one who is a forever counting what is Not here.

     

    Our train of thoughts need to keep the track to the positive eye well used, and abandon the tracks to the one that is forever reporting the doom and gloom, the worrier, the spoil sport, the one that is adding up a long column of negatives, when there is a whole world of good to be calculated.

     

    I know that by switching how I look upon my job makes a difference, if I can see all the positives, the downsides will fade from neglect.

     

    I heard Dr. Maya Angelou say of people who whine, ‘stop you will let them know a Victim is in the area.’

     

    So in the vicinity of your voice how is it being heard?

     

    What are you mentioning most often, the things going right or what is going wrong?

     

    We are either a victim commentator of life or one that sees things as they are and rolls by accepting, being enthusiastic or having enjoyment in what is, as Eckhart Tolle suggests.

     

    If you can accept what is going on, you are no longer a victim.

     

    When you fight it, you become a victim to It, no matter what It is.

     

    It is raining and you want sunshine, the rain will victimize you.

    Just by wanting what is not there, IT takes your power; your eyes are on what isn’t happening.

     

    When you keep your strongest eye on what isn’t happening, you waste what you have in life.

     

    Can you have what you don’t see?

     

    Yet we believe we can have what we don’t see by focusing on what isn’t there.

     

    How backwards this all is…What we can see, we don’t and what we don’t we focus on.

     

    Seeing what isn’t and not seeing what is.

     

    Like a trick mirror, reporting back what isn’t there to see!

     

  • Awareness of Self

    It is interesting to me that when you see someone in denial you automatically think that they just need to see reality.

     

    What is a much deeper problem is the ways in which they have lived to ‘not see reality’.

     

    And it is from there that you begin.

     

    You don’t need to see what is in reality; you need to see what you are doing to cover up reality.

     

    It is the cover up that needs to be explored.

     

    The cover-ups can be dismantled by doing as Martha Beck suggested, begin telling the truth no matter what.

     

    Instead of ‘hiding’ the fact that your eating is out of control, face the fact that it is.  Name it to claim it, is a term Dr. Phil has used.

     

    As I explored the affects that sweets had on my body, and how I overindulged them, and how they left me empty of the very thing I thought I was getting, love, I knew I was on to something.

     

    I loved sweet treats.  I felt good eating them, yet the final out come was not love or good.  I had an overweight body that was sluggish and one that I didn’t like.

     

    My life style of indulging in sweets and looking for opportunities to ‘treat’ myself, and them giving me something wonderful, really gave me the opposite.

     

    Denial is not recognizing what the affects of ‘treating’ your self is actually doing.

     

    You somehow just have a thirst for sweets, and feel you deserve the treat, but never look at the actual almost scientific reading of the outcome.

     

    Denial is a twisting rope that never allows you to see all sides at once.  You can either see the thirst or the bloated body….

     

    Once I decide to stay awake for both parts, to watch the sweets going in and I didn’t tell myself a limit, I ate as many as I could, but I also had to monitor myself during and after.

     

    Denial seems be cured by being truthful on all sides, there is no side that will slip away.

     

    It is refreshing to be honest, to expose the secrets of understanding how you operate and why, it allows you to be free of the unexplored agendas that you have somehow overlooked.

     

    Once I understood that the sweets didn’t really bring me good feelings, I was able to sit with what they really were.  What they were comprised of and what they really did to the body.

     

    Denial is the doorway that will lead you to full awareness of self.

     

     

     

     

  • There I was!

     (Awakening Intuition by Dr. Mona Lisa Schulz)

     

    Maintaining the Façade.

     

    When I told you about my brush with death at Brown, I said that the feeling I had was that of my façade falling away, so that nothing stood between me and the world around me and I could sense my complete oneness with the Universe and all its beings.  This, in fact is a very common experience for people who’ve come close to death, whether through illness or accident or some other life-threatening event.  They immediately get in touch with their seventh emotional center.  They suddenly see life in a completely different way. They experience what is known as primary intensity, which means that they feel life in a particularly immediate and intense fashion.  They feel things, hear things, and see things with great clarity.  Nothing separates them from the raw energy of life around them.  No veil obscures the harsh realities of human existence or cloaks the full exhilaration of passion and creativity.  These people have no more façade.

     

    As most of us go about our day-to-day business of living, our façade protects us from the more difficult, less pleasant aspects of the world, and the human beings we share it with, such as all the constant, sometimes necessary hypocrisy that permeates human dealings.  In fact, people who lose their facades find this very difficult to bear; they can’t listen to others tell even little white lies, watch the games we play, or observe their manipulations and machinations without having a strong negative reaction.  While this sort of greater honesty might seem like a good thing, it can actually make life in some ways more difficult and painful, because it sets you apart and can make you seem irritable and antagonistic.

     

    Another consequence of not having a façade is that it also opens you up completely to intuition.  When your façade is removed, nothing stands in the way of your feeling all the world and tapping directly into the pool of intuitive knowledge.  That can be, of course, wonderful. But there’s a danger in losing your façade.  While it means that you can all at once hear or see or feel everything that’s going on, you can go too far into the vulnerable aspect of this and begin to hear everyone’s thoughts and feel everyone’s pain, even literally, in your body.  This can truly be extremely painful. 

     

    Surviving a near-death or life-threatening experience almost invariably changes people.  A woman who comes close to dying from breast cancer but is pulled back by chemotherapy and radiation is changed to a certain degree, forever. Such people commonly make a lot of external changes in their lives as a reflection of this.  They may change their jobs, their relationships, and a lot of other things.  After about four years, a degree of normality returns, some of their façade will come back and they balance their seventh emotional center somewhat better between power and vulnerability, but they never completely lose that connection with the Universe that has been revealed to them……

     

    When I read this part in her book it totally explained how I felt, how I was left standing naked against the world.  And I could literally hear, see and feel way too much.

     

    My husband said that I was like a scared rabbit when we would go out in public, and I literally felt that there was nothing to protect me.  That I could feel the negativity coming at me, the false or insincere messages silently hitting me.

     

    However, I was also extremely affected by nature and its glory, the immense beauty that seeped into me from there.

    I was literally brought to tears each day seeing the sun shining as I stepped out for my walk.

     

    To be open to the wonders of the world at the same time to feel the abrasive negative, left me forever charged, open and feeling, the best and the worst.

     

    The façade I wore for 46 years was ripped off of me in one fell swoop, and left me standing there wide open.  Now I have the explanation from a Medical person. 

     

    When I seemed overly sensitive, overly dramatic, and overly knowing, I was literally that!

     

    Somehow someone’s experience that echo’s your own, makes you feel less weird.

     

    And she is right, I have not lost the connection with the Universe, I still feel utterly connected.  I also can hear, see and feel much much more than ever before, but I have also created more self- power, and less vulnerability.

     

    My new façade or new me is so much more aware and feeling than the old me, and it has been about 4 ½ years so she is right, we do find a new normal.

     

    I am blessed to have had my façade broken for it opened my connection to the Universe, and shown me who I really was.

     

    My façade broke and there I was!